# Tell Me a Joke.



## Draco (Jul 17, 2016)

In this Thread u can post something funny u saw in ad or newspaper or tell a joke, or Talk about a funny moment that happened to you at someplace you were at.   Please try to keep it PG-13.


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## SilkSpectre (Jul 17, 2016)

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."


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## LambdaDelta (Jul 17, 2016)

now to see how many people actually get this


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## moonford (Jul 17, 2016)

Donald Trump.


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## visibleghost (Jul 17, 2016)

Whiteflamingo said:


> Donald Trump.



while he is a joke i'm not so sure if he's funny.. i'd probably just call him scary and Bad


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## moonford (Jul 17, 2016)

visibleghost said:


> while he is a joke i'm not so sure if he's funny.. i'd probably just call him scary and Bad



His existence is funny, he's an embarrassment and you can't help but laugh at him.


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## visibleghost (Jul 17, 2016)

Whiteflamingo said:


> His existence is funny, he's an embarrassment and you can't help but laugh at him.



yeah i guess you're right.... but i'm still kinda nervous because he has so many supporters thag don't think of him as a joke. it's kind of scary that people actually love him )x


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## LambdaDelta (Jul 17, 2016)

Spoiler: 2 men walk into a bar....



then begin preparations for and open up the bar. they're bartenders. were you expecting a punchline?


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## Gregriii (Jul 17, 2016)

tbt is a quiet place where you can debate


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## oath2order (Jul 17, 2016)

The Presidential Race in 2016 has amazingly ended in a three-way tie. Gary Johnson, Hillary Clinton, and Donald Trump have all somehow received completely equal thirds of the total vote. So, to solve this, the three have a literal race, whoever can run a mile the fastest becomes President.

Trump, overconfident in his abilities, shoves the other candidates to the side and runs first, and takes 15 minutes to run the mile. Johnson goes next, he's relatively in shape, and takes 12 minutes to run the mile. Now, Hillary Clinton, in her desperation to become President, has been preparing for every possibility, and sprints the entire mile, finishing in 10 minutes.

She says "I was the fastest, so I'm President now, right?"

"Not quite," The judge of the race said. "Bush did 9:11."


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## Bowie (Jul 17, 2016)

My life.


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## seliph (Jul 17, 2016)

So I ordered a lion statuette for an award but something went wrong somewhere down the line and when it arrived it had only the rear end of the lion.

It was a catastrophe.


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## The Pennifer (Jul 17, 2016)

We need a 12-step program group for compulsive talkers. They could call it *On Anon Anon.*


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## Katattacc (Jul 17, 2016)

Whiteflamingo said:


> Donald Trump.



That's the exact same joke I was going to say


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## raeepow (Jul 17, 2016)

Why can't Marty ride a bicycle?
He has no arms.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Not Marty.


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## Draco (Jul 17, 2016)

this in not a politcal comment thread it is  a joke and funny happens thread. please stay on topic.


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## LambdaDelta (Jul 17, 2016)

but modern western politics are a joke


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## #1 Senpai (Jul 17, 2016)

Why did the chicken cross the road?

because it was a chicken.


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## brownboy102 (Jul 17, 2016)

Shakira had murdered someone. Her lawyer told her to lie and say she didn't if she was asked.
She lost the case.
Why?

Her hips gave it away, because her hips don't lie.


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## Draco (Jul 17, 2016)

Dog Walked into a Bar in the old west and said   "I am looking for guy who shot my Paw".


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## oath2order (Jul 17, 2016)

Draco said:


> this in not a politcal comment thread it is  a joke and funny happens thread. please stay on topic.



Except my comment was a joke.

Who are cats going to vote for in November?


Spoiler



Hillary Kitten.




Why won't Hillary let her campaign staffers exercise?


Spoiler



She doesn't want them to "Feel The Bern".


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## vel (Jul 18, 2016)

what did the farmer say when he couldn't find a tractor?



Spoiler:  



where's my tractor


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## amanda1983 (Jul 18, 2016)

Why did the elephant paint it's toenails red?

So it could hide in the strawberry field.


- this is the one and only joke I can reliably recall, and it is always a hit with the kinder set (or younger)!


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## Discord (Jul 18, 2016)

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ?I?m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.


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## #1 Senpai (Jul 18, 2016)

19 and 20 had a fight

21


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## Nicole. (Jul 18, 2016)

I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered: 'Yeah, three males and two females.' Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: 'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.


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## Discord (Jul 18, 2016)

Bob and Jerry were two hunters hiking through the woods in hopes of finding some deer. Bob collapses and Jerry panics, Jerry pulls out a cellphone, dials 911, and says: "Help! My friend is dead!".

The operator responded "Ok, first let's make sure he's dead" the Operator heard silence and then a gunshot shortly after.

"Okay, now what?" Jerry answered as he got back on the phone.


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## The Pennifer (Jul 18, 2016)

Not really a joke but it makes me laugh every time!


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## Draco (Jul 19, 2016)

The Pennifer said:


> Not really a joke but it makes me laugh every time!



lol that is funny.


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## LambdaDelta (Jul 19, 2016)

Jared's user title


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## vel (Jul 19, 2016)

LambdaDelta said:


> Jared's user title



i laughed i'm sorry tbt

why is peter pan always flying? he neverlands


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## Draco (Jul 20, 2016)

This good thread glad i made it. Why did the Lady throw the clock out the window? She wanted too see time Fly.


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## mintellect (Jul 20, 2016)

Spoiler: Science Jokes n shz



Two scientists walk into a bar.
The first one says, I'd like some H2O.
Th second one says, I'd like some H2O, too!
Both of them recieve their orders and upon consuming them, the second scientist dies.

Floride, Iodine, and Neon fused. The result was looking fine.

Bromine and Osmium are best bros.

Hydrogen and Iodine always greet each other by saying hi. Helium and Yttrium prefer to greet each other by saying hey.


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## Aquari (Jul 20, 2016)

What do you call crystal clear urine?



Spoiler: ANSWER~



1080-PEE


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## #1 Senpai (Jul 20, 2016)

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel!!


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## Gandalf (Jul 20, 2016)

what is the difference between a polar bear and a grizzly bear?

A POLAR BEAR DISSOLVES IN WATER


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## LambdaDelta (Jul 20, 2016)

Neikkocat06 said:


> What do you call crystal clear urine?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



this isn't pissing 4k+


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## Draco (Jul 21, 2016)

So lady is told bye Someone she is a bad mother, she doesn't believe it. but she is not sure so she asks her son.
 "Billy am i a bad mom"  the mother asks       "My name is Timmy".


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## Aquari (Jul 21, 2016)

LambdaDelta said:


> this isn't pissing 4k+



lol what?


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## LambdaDelta (Jul 21, 2016)

Neikkocat06 said:


> lol what?



https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ultra-high-definition_television


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## Limon (Jul 21, 2016)

LambdaDelta said:


> now to see how many people actually get this



Oh my god I'm laughing so hard I'm playing Strange Journey right now. Nice to see another fan of the game!


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## Draco (Jul 23, 2016)

When Humpty dumpty need to get by he say  EGGcuse me please...when he is happy he say im so EGGcited.


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## Aquari (Jul 23, 2016)

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.


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## Draco (Jul 23, 2016)

Why did the cow go in the spaceship? it wanted to go to the mooooooon.


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## The Pennifer (Jul 23, 2016)

Why did the chicken cross the road? ... Errrrm


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## Draco (Jul 24, 2016)

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
A: If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.


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## LinkToTheWorld (Jul 24, 2016)

What do you call an aligator that solves crime?


An investigator


What do you call an aligator with a sat nav?

A navigator 

Have a lot of aligator jokes....

- - - Post Merge - - -

Oh and another....

I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.


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## Draco (Jul 24, 2016)

If Muhammad Ali Was a Pokemon what would he say?   "I'm gonna Float like Butterfree and Sting like a BeeDrill."


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## Draco (Jul 26, 2016)

What did the Farmer say to the cow standing in the middle of the road?  Mooooooove over.


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## Aquari (Jul 26, 2016)

what do you call a lazy sword?.........kata-NAH



ill stop ;-;


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## Tensu (Jul 26, 2016)

Whiteflamingo said:


> Donald Trump.



More of a horror movie if you ask me.


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## Draco (Jul 26, 2016)

thats off topic please stay on topic with jokes or funny videos of humorous nature, not political comments, there are plenty of political threads 
if you wish to talk or make political comments.


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## CometCatcher (Jul 26, 2016)

Do you wanna hear a joke about ghosts?

_No, I really don't._

That's the spirit.



I laughed SO HARD when I saw this photo set. I love puns.


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## The Pennifer (Jul 26, 2016)

Going back to farmer and cow jokes


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## CometCatcher (Jul 26, 2016)

More puns. LOL!


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## The Pennifer (Jul 29, 2016)

I just had to post this one!!!


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## seliph (Jul 29, 2016)

What was left in Batman's glass after he finished his drink?



Spoiler



just ice


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## dude98 (Jul 29, 2016)

How many trumpets does it take to screw a light bulb?



Five. One to actually do it. 4 to tell how they could've done it better


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## Miii (Jul 29, 2016)

I was gonna tell a gay joke... butt **** it.


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## MochiACNL (Jul 30, 2016)

Miii said:


> I was gonna tell a gay joke... butt **** it.



Why do I relate to that so much?

- - - Post Merge - - -

The Teacher says to the class: Who ever stands up is stupid
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: I said who ever stands up is STUPID!
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: Johnny, do you really think that you are stupid?
Little Johnny: No Mrs, I just thought that maybe you are lonely being the only one standing.


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## Draco (Jul 30, 2016)

Doctor goes to patient and says " I am Sorry Sir u only have Three weeks to live"
 Patient say "omg what am i gonna do"  " how will i tell my family"  "i'll never be able to pay my bill.

Doctor say   " o never mind i can give you three more weeks".


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## pawpatrolbab (Aug 1, 2016)

http://www.rd.com/joke/tim-siedell-revenant/


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## The Pennifer (Aug 2, 2016)

I thought this was hilarious!


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## Draco (Aug 2, 2016)

Why did the Turkey cross the road?    Because it was trying to catch that darn Chicken.


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## TheGreatBrain (Aug 2, 2016)

Why are cooks cruel?

Because they whip the batter and beat the eggs.


Why did the girl tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.


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## Discord (Aug 5, 2016)

There was a father sitting next to his son on the living room couch watching some evening television.

The kid's stomach rumbles and says:

"Ugh, I'm so hungry"

"Hi Mr. Hungry can I call you So?" The Dad responded.

The kid gave a blank stare and punched his dad off the couch.


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## N e s s (Aug 5, 2016)

How many russian leaders does it take to change a lightbulb?



Spoiler: Answer



None because russian leaders don't last as long as a lightbulb


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## xara (Aug 5, 2016)

Why did Susan fall off the swing? 
Because she has no arms. 

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Susan.


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## Discord (Aug 5, 2016)

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Lettuce

Lettuce who?

Lettuce in, It's cold out here!.


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## Liamslash (Aug 5, 2016)

What do you call a Jewish Pokemon trainer?

Ash


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## Discord (Aug 5, 2016)

_"If there's one thing I hate more that lying, it's Skim Milk. It's just water lying to be Milk."_

-Ron Swanson


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## Discord (Aug 5, 2016)

_"If there's one thing I hate more that lying, it's Skim Milk. It's just water lying to be Milk."_

-Ron Swanson

EDIT: Lag caused me to Double Post


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## Alolan_Apples (Aug 5, 2016)

Why did the moon stop eating?

- Because it was full.

What did the fast fry say to the slow fry?

- Ketchup.


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## Ehingen Guy (Aug 5, 2016)

Shaddup, Manners and Trouble are walking in the woods, when Trouble gets lost. So his friends walk to the nearest ranger station. Shaddup enters the station, while Manner stays outside. The ranger asks Shaddup, "What's your name, sir?" Shaddup replies "Shaddup." "What's your name, sir?" "Shaddup". "Are you looking for trouble?" "Yes." "Where's your manners?" "Outside."


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## Alolan_Apples (Aug 5, 2016)

Spoiler: Warning! Dirty joke inside



I forgot to wash this joke with soap and warm water.


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## xara (Aug 5, 2016)

Apple2012 said:


> Spoiler: Warning! Dirty joke inside
> 
> 
> 
> I forgot to wash this joke with soap and warm water.



Got my hopes up ;-;


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## oath2order (Aug 5, 2016)

A programmer is having a baby. She finds out the gender of the baby, and her husband asks "Is it a boy or is it a girl?"

The programmer responds "yes".


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## Aquari (Aug 5, 2016)

Why did the tomato blush?


Because it saw the salad dressing!

badum tshhhh........i'll stop


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## SolaireOfAstora (Aug 5, 2016)

Science joke alert!

What do you do with a sick chemist?


Spoiler



If you can't curium, you're going to need to barium


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## Draco (Aug 15, 2016)

So this Park Ranger is out doing his camp site rounds. And he see this guy cooking what looks like spotted Owl. So the park Ranger walks up to the hunter and says    "Sir is the spotted Owl you cooking?" Hunter says Yeah sure is. Ranger say "sir u do know it is a indangerd bird?

Hunter says i sure do but there is nothing like fresh spotted owl. Ranger says "im sorry sir im gonna have to in and place you under arrest"
So ranger places the cuffs on him they begin to walk out when Ranger asks the hunter a question "say what does Spotted owl taste like?"
Hunter turns to him and says " o a lot like Bald Eagle"


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## Antonio (Aug 15, 2016)

There's a funny joke called "My Life"...


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## Ehingen Guy (Aug 15, 2016)

Mike Tyson is riding his bike to the movies. Since he doesn't have a lock, he just leaves the bike on the bike rack and attaches a note that reads: "Stealing this bike is futile. Signed, Mike Tyson." After the movie is over, Mike Tyson discovers that his bike is missing. Instead, he finds that someone wrote on the back of his note: "Pursuing this bike is futile. Signed, Lance Armstrong."


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## ZekkoXCX (Aug 15, 2016)

keemstar


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## piichinu (Aug 15, 2016)

uposts need a minimum of 2 characters


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## Draco (Aug 18, 2016)

A man was looking out his window when he noticed that there was a snail on one of his plants. So he took the snail and threw him as far as he could. Ten years later the old man heard a tap tap tap on his window, and when he looked up he saw a very cross snail who looked at him and
said, “Hey, what did you do that for?”


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