# closed



## Sholee (Mar 1, 2015)

Thanks for all your responses guys! 

This is now closed~ :]


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## samsquared (Mar 1, 2015)

Hmmm...
He probably does love you. But just because he loves you doesn't mean he doesn't feel a little something for this other girl. The operative word in this situation, I think, is "drunk". 
Although many people believe that anything you would do drunk you would also do sober, I don't think that's necessarily true. Drunkenness makes you feel less inhibited and more powerful- I mean, it doesn't make you loopy, but it certainly affects your good judgement because you kinda stop caring. 
After five years? A revenge thing? I think he thinks that you should be less mad if mad at all because you did it once rather than he kissed this girl pointedly because of your past mistake.
At any rate, once is a mistake. Of course you are hurt, but the best thing for you to do (especially because you have experience with what he is probably feeling and know how you needed to be forgiven) is forgive him. But "forgive but don't forget" is definitely something I am advocating here. 
What is interesting is that this is a girl that he knows very well and liked at one point. He might still have lingering feelings for her. I doubt they are very strong since he's been with you for seven years and says that he loves you. It's pretty necessary at this point for you to believe that he loves you and have substantial evidence proving that he loves you to still be in this relationship. Also, you've seen them around each other before and didn't feel threatened. That means they don't really flirt, they don't seem to want to pursue a romantic relationship at all. You likely have nothing to really be worried about. But that he chose her and not some random girl suggests that the feelings are probably there, latent, at least (or he's not bold enough, even drunk, to hook up with some random floozie at a party and chose a girl he felt secure with or knew he could get to kiss him (that's something only you would know)). As he was drunk at this party (and if there will be a lot of future interactions of this type, there were probably a lot of past interactions of this type where nothing happened), he probably has no real intentions on acting on what is probably a weak attraction. But don't forget this.
What will most likely happen is that things will be awkward between them for a little while.

I think what I said makes sense, but in the world of human emotions almost anything can happen! So, follow your own intuition here, too. You know the situation better than anyone. Trust yourself to make the right decision.
Good luck~


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## infinikitten (Mar 1, 2015)

The most concerning aspect of this is him saying "I don't know" when you asked if he feels anything for her or was trying to get back at you by doing what he did. He needs to properly define his feelings and tell you what's going on rather than dancing around the subject, as hard as it is to do so and as much as he may not want to. For the sake of your relationship, this is something he NEEDS to do, plain and simple. If he truly doesn't know? Then he needs to spend time thinking about it until he can nail down his motivations and desires, and if he loves you, which he clearly does, then he'll do exactly that.

I am with you on the "once a cheater always a cheater" thing being bull****. Sometimes things happen, as you know from personal experience. You are either strong enough of a couple to work through it, overcome it and move past it, or the incident could be too damaging to your relationship and prevent you from repairing what's been damaged. You've already been through this so you know how it works; as adults, and in extremely long term relationships, it's not so easy and black and white as "Oh, he cheated? Dump him" - many other factors come into play here.

In order to figure out if you can trust him not to do this again, he needs to be a big boy and be honest with both you and himself. If he does have feelings for her, but they're little crush-type fleeting feelings that may well go away in a week or two (it happens) then you two will just have to ride it out and then you'll be just fine. It's clear to me you don't want to throw away such a meaningful and long-standing relationship over this incident but I see why his feelings for this other girl are pretty much the be-all/end-all here. So again, it falls to him.

If he wants to ensure that this will never happen again and doesn't trust himself? Then you have a problem on your hands. If he thinks there's any possibility that he'll just feel weak in the moment and ~go with it~ or whatever, then he needs to either stay away from that girl or bring you with him when she's around, and you need to evaluate whether it's worth it to stay with him if he can so easily be provoked into cheating on you. If he knows for certain that he does not want this to happen again and he's 100% sure that it was a mistake on his part, then... again, this falls to him:

He needs to be clear with that girl and set boundaries. Very hard, clear boundaries, about what she can and cannot do, and when they can and cannot hang out together, especially if alcohol is "maybe" the deciding factor in whether they get handsy with each other. I know boundaries get blurred sometimes with friendships like theirs (the super close childhood friend type deal - been there, done that) but she needs to respect your relationship just as much as he does.

It's really all riding on him at this point, I think. It's his responsibility to clarify how he feels, what he intends to do in the future, and how he means to make this up to you. It's on him to prove that you can trust him not to do it again, or to be an honest adult and TELL you if you _can't_ trust him to do so (at which point, again, you'd have to discuss whether continuing as a couple is worth it).

He can't "I dunno" his way out of this, is what I'm saying.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, friend. I've been cheated on in short term relationships and I remember just being able to shut it down, feel all indignant and hurt and then move on fairly quickly, but if it happens in a long-term relationship with so much history behind it, it's instantly a thousand times more complicated. I wish you well ♥ And if you ever need someone to talk to or someplace to vent, my inbox is open.


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## Tao (Mar 1, 2015)

> I asked him if it really was the alcohol's doing, he said "maybe 50/50"
> I asked him if he liked her, he said "i dunno"
> I asked him if he felt this was a "*** for tat" and he responded with "maybe, .....I dunno"



The above sounds like the most 'sketchy' part. "I dunno"...It's either "yes" or "no". "I dunno" seems more like "Yes, but I don't want to outright say that to you."

There's always the possibility that nothing more comes from this. 
There's also the possibility that he could string you along until this other girl (he clearly has some interest in) breaks off her relationship and he goes for that.

The thing that seems different is that she's always been a friend of his, he's confessed to liking her in that way before and now this has happened. I would personally struggle to see it as a one off thing that won't happen again. They have a history.
Yours was just a one night thing.





I've been in a somewhat similar situation where I was with my ex 6 years.

About 2 years in I got absolutely wasted one night and slept with another girl. I don't remember the event at all, I was literally *THAT* wasted that I have no recollection of it happening. I didn't actually find out that I had slept with her until about 2 weeks later (it was at a friends house, so there were witnesses to it happening...Plus 'other' factors that made me know it was true).
Being wasted obviously isn't an excuse though. It just begs the question of whether I was that into the idea, or whether she talked me into something when I was in a state where I couldn't even make a decision of what type of Pokemon to use against a Rock type.

I told my then girlfriend the moment I found out. She asked if I felt anything, I said no. She asked if I wish I remembered doing it and I replied "well, yea. If I'm going to do something stupid I should at least remember it", blah blah blah. We argued, cried, etc etc. All in all, I was entirely truthful, she forgave me and nothing else like that happened again (and I controlled my drinking a bit more)

A few years later she did the same...But she did it with more guys and I'm skeptical she was actually drunk with most of it. Regardless, we took a short break but I overall forgave her.

About a year after that she went on holiday again (which is where one of her past 'cheats' happened). She came back, told me she had cheated on me a few more times and that she was now moving to that country because apparently, I was just getting strung along until everything was good to get with this other guy (she didn't say that but it seems obvious it was that reason to me).



I guess you can't really trust somebody once they've done something like this is what I'm getting at. They may never do it again but there's the very real chance they will. I never thought she would do it in the first place or do it again after it happened but, hey, I was proven wrong on that.


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## Alolan_Apples (Mar 1, 2015)

I never heard such cases where someone cheated on their girlfriend for revenge for cheating on them.

I once heard that breaking a girl's heart (if you're male) is the last thing you want to do. Cheating on a girlfriend or wife makes you a scumbag, and so does breaking a girl's heart (figuratively).


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## Tao (Mar 1, 2015)

Apple2012 said:


> I never heard such cases where someone cheated on their girlfriend for revenge for cheating on them.
> 
> I once heard that breaking a girl's heart (if you're male) is the last thing you want to do. Cheating on a girlfriend or wife makes you a scumbag, and so does breaking a girl's heart (figuratively).




So what about the other way around?

Is breaking a boys heart okay? Does cheating on your husband make you  fantastic human being?


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## Alolan_Apples (Mar 1, 2015)

Tao said:


> So what about the other way around?
> 
> Is breaking a boys heart okay? Does cheating on your husband make you fantastic human being?



No, it doesn't make you a decent human being. But the reason why breaking a girl's heart is taken more seriously...it's hard to explain.


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## tobi! (Mar 1, 2015)

Apple2012 said:


> No, it doesn't make you a decent human being. But the reason why breaking a girl's heart is taken more seriously...it's hard to explain.



Are you kidding me?


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## Princess Weeb (Mar 1, 2015)

If you didn't properly discuss the first incident with him when it happened then this is possibly why he is unsure as to whether his actions were as a result of yours.I've never cheated on anyone but I can imagine that the feeling afterwards is kinda weird and confusing I suppose.

For ages I knew that there was something going on between my current boyfriend and my best friend and a lot was going on behind my back. It's very difficult to explain but they ended up kissing one night while very drunk and while almost all of my friends knew, noone told me until a year later. 

Safe to say I was pretty heartbroken. I didn't leave because the situation was complicated and it meant nothing but I felt pretty betrayed by everyone around me. One of my first instincts was revenge even though I wouldn't enjoy it at all, I just wanted him to feel the same pain that I did, and I wonder if this is what made him do/made him feel less weird about doing what he did. He may have said he was over it but if you never talked about it properly then I promise you he wasn't over it at all. 
Idk yeah

- - - Post Merge - - -



Apple2012 said:


> No, it doesn't make you a decent human being. But the reason why breaking a girl's heart is taken more seriously...it's hard to explain.



because men are raised to eventually perpetuate this cold/hard exterior-ed figure that can't show emotion at all and it's probably one of the worst "gender roles"(if you were to use that term)  imo really.


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## boujee (Mar 1, 2015)

What goes around comes back around.
His responses are just priceless. "I dunno" "I dunno", it's not "I dunno", it's either yes or no. That's just going to make things even more complicated, which is why you're here now. If you're hurt about it, then you still love him. Maybe a reality check that this was how he was feeling a few years back. We don't know how he's feeling or thinking, it's just "I dunno", like he doesn't care. It happened. But how do you make out when you're drunk? How do you even remember that you kiss/makeout if you were drunk? You were fully aware that one thing was going to lead to another. Isn't everything supposed to be a blur when you're drunk? Just curious. 
Anyways, something will happen and you can carry out things from there. Maybe the relationship was starting to get dull so he made out with a friend to get a feeling..back? He wasn't hesitant. LOL he told you afterwards but it seems silly.


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## Bixxy (Mar 1, 2015)

This is why I'm against alcohol, just saying.



Apple2012 said:


> No, it doesn't make you a decent human being. But the reason why breaking a girl's heart is taken more seriously...it's hard to explain.



That's because girls are stereotypically weak and fragile and emotional. If one doesn't think vice versa is just as bad then that person has serious yet way too common social issues.


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## kassie (Mar 1, 2015)

Norski said:


> Are you kidding me?



No, I seriously doubt he is.

@OP: He needs to take some time to think and come up with some answers. I'd be pissed if all I got were "I dunnos" & "maybes" in a situation like that.


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## Hyoshido (Mar 1, 2015)

Punch/kick him in the balls, that might screw his brain in right.


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## Princess Weeb (Mar 1, 2015)

Bixxy said:


> This is why I'm against alcohol, just saying.



wahey me too 
#don'tcheatkiddos


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## Amissapanda (Mar 1, 2015)

Honestly, if he's being that wishy-washy instead of reassuring you about what happened, how he feels about you and the relationship you share, especially when you need it, I would say that is a bright red warning sign. Playing with someone's feelings or tossing them aside is just not acceptable, regardless of who is doing it. It takes _two_ people to move past wrong-doing/cheating or anything like that between them in a relationship.

I don't mean to be harsh, but if he's not taking this seriously and if he didn't flat out tell you strongly "*no*" when you asked if he liked her/had feelings for her, in my opinion, he doesn't deserve you or what you have/had together.

For the record, I don't condone cheating at all. If it was ever done to me, I would be done with that relationship. Period.


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## Alolan_Apples (Mar 1, 2015)

Bixxy said:


> This is why I'm against alcohol, just saying.



Yeah, alcohol can do weird things to your body. That's why I don't drink alcohol. I had less than 4 fl oz of alcohol in my entire life.



> That's because girls are stereotypically weak and fragile and emotional. If one doesn't think vice versa is just as bad then that person has serious yet way too common social issues.



I was about to say that. Also, for a very long time, men had all the power. Our current congress, justices, and cabinet are still male dominant. And you don't want men to be even more overpowered (which includes breaking girls' hearts).


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## EmmaFrost (Mar 1, 2015)

Sholee said:


> I asked him if it really was the alcohol's doing, he said "maybe 50/50"
> I asked him if he liked her, he said "i dunno"


50/50, meaning fifty percent of him was capable of making the decision to cheat or not. He chose to.

He "doesn't know" if he likes her?

...yeah, no. I wouldn't feel comfortable with those responses.


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## Bixxy (Mar 1, 2015)

I'm also against being drunk cause it's emberrassing, dangerous, unhealthy and plain trashy. Thank god I'm not the only one who thinks this way. :<


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## EmmaFrost (Mar 1, 2015)

Also I think if people can't take personal responsibility and control themselves when they drink, they shouldn't. I mean look what it's caused. Twice.


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## Amissapanda (Mar 1, 2015)

Bixxy said:


> I'm also against being drunk cause it's emberrassing, dangerous, unhealthy and plain trashy. Thank god I'm not the only one who thinks this way. :<



I'm in agreement with this, too. I don't drink, period. And I can't imagine being put into a state where my actions, behaviors, and words are no longer entirely under my control. That's a pretty terrifying concept.

Not to villify anyone who likes to drink/get drunk, though. I wouldn't say it's trashy, necessarily. If you enjoy it, or it helps you loosen up/relieve stress and you drink responsibly and don't drive under the influence or do anything dangerous, that's great for you. They even say a glass of wine a day is actually quite good for you (assuming you aren't pregnant, etc).


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## Princess Weeb (Mar 1, 2015)

Amissapanda said:


> I'm in agreement with this, too. I don't drink, period. And I can't imagine being put into a state where my actions, behaviors, and words are no longer entirely under my control. That's a pretty terrifying concept.



sorry but I genuinely thought  was the only person that felt like this omg ❤


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## Reenhard (Mar 1, 2015)

I would say, he gotta proove you now that he REALLY mean that he is sorry and he is loving you. And how do we know he was really drunk? drunk is sush an excuse sometimes to make someone cheat. I heard when someone is drunk, it shows who you really are. And you were smart enough to get out of the situation. Did he? sceptical. And how he is so protective to keep her close makes me not sure if you should trust him. If he really loves you, he gotta proove you that. How? well, he better figure out. For example, dont get drunk. Like you did. You keep away from those things since you it once happen. Lets see if he can do the same thing for you. If my babe did this, I would be so mad and I would let him proove me if he really loves me or not. I understand it is sush a hard situation and right now is nothing clear in your mind. My advice is to talk to him and be strict, its either yes or no. Not maybe. Just yes or no. "Do you like her?" and he says maybe. Thats obvious a yes but dont want to "hurt" you. If my babe said maybe, I would know he was liking her. Be strong darling. Be strict, be brave. You can do this. You are worth so much more.


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## Meadows (Mar 1, 2015)

All men are cheaters, and they always will be!


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## Tao (Mar 1, 2015)

Apple2012 said:


> No, it doesn't make you a decent human being. But the reason why breaking a girl's heart is taken more seriously...it's hard to explain.




Aren't we supposed to be moving closer to equality between genders rather than saying that something universal (heartbreak) is somehow still worse for one gender?


In this case there's an old saying, "a woman's work is never done", and this is why you get paid less.


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## Reindeer (Mar 1, 2015)

Apple2012 said:


> I was about to say that. Also, for a very long time, men had all the power. Our current congress, justices, and cabinet are still male dominant. And you don't want men to be even more overpowered (which includes breaking girls' hearts).


Why are you trying to make this about politics? People's point was that men have emotions just as much as women do, so saying that it's worse if you cheat on a woman or break a woman's heart is short-sighted and frankly stupid. Check out the original post to see the guy's reaction to her cheating 5 years ago.

I've had to deal with cheating in my previous relationship, though if it was just kissing I probably wouldn't have minded it as much. The worst part of it was all the lies I had to fight through, because even now I'm certain I only know half the story of all the times I got cheated on.

If your boyfriend says "I don't know" in regards to whether he likes her or if it's payback, then something weird is going on. You need to give him space for a while and tell him to think, then tell you his true feelings. Don't put too much pressure on him though, because I imagine that if the guy's actual response to the two questions is "no", then his actions have him very confused. He needs to work through this as much as you do.


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## Reenhard (Mar 1, 2015)

Wendy Marvell said:


> All men are cheaters, and they always will be!



I know many girls who are cheater too. So. to be fair, everyone are cheaters.


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## Tao (Mar 1, 2015)

Wendy Marvell said:


> All men are cheaters, and they always will be!



...*sigh*


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## Reindeer (Mar 1, 2015)

Wendy Marvell said:


> All men are cheaters, and they always will be!


Wow, calm it, woman. I never cheated on my girlfriend, even though I can name at least 5 dudes that she actually had sex with during our relationship. I've had a really bad experience, yet I don't go "OMG ALL WOMEN ARE SLUTZZZZZ".

Shut up.


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## Naiad (Mar 1, 2015)

Reenhard said:


> I know many girls who are cheater too. So. to be fair, everyone are cheaters.



Cheaters are Cheaters.


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## Reenhard (Mar 1, 2015)

should we watch the show cheaters?

- - - Post Merge - - -



Lafiel said:


> Cheaters are Cheaters.



yep!


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## Trundle (Mar 1, 2015)

Stop getting drunk because it's fairly obvious neither of you are responsible enough for it.


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## TaliZorah (Mar 1, 2015)

*" I asked him if it really was the alcohol's doing, he said "maybe 50/50"
I asked him if he liked her, he said "i dunno" "*

THAT. Right there. Is a redflag.
Hun, I have been cheated on my whole life. I don't know if it's because I allowed my ex's to be very open, I wasn't exciting enough for them, or maybe I attracted the unfaithful ones. And I'll tell you what, I've had 3 boyfriends my entire life. All 3 of them cheated on me. I forgave all of them once.

My fiance I am currently with has cheated on me as well.... about 3 years ago. He was seeing another girl for 2 years. We had been together for 6 years. The most fantastic thing was, she was my best friend. One who I poured my soul into. One who I trusted with everything. I had met her 4 years prior. So for 2 years after the three of us met, he was cheating on me with her. I honestly don't know how far they took it and I don't want to think about it. After I caught both of them, of course I confronted. You know what happened? My boyfriend broke down. My best friend? She didn't care. She actually thought it was funny. I was stabbed in the back twice. I am still dented from this situation 3 years later.

However, my boyfriend saw how my best friend treated me, he saw what her scheme really was; to break us up because it was all a game to her. It was vile, cruel. I have never seen, in my life, another person that cruel. He lived 5 hours away, but the next day, he made a special trip down to see me. Skipped work and everything. He got on his knees and apologized to me. I could see it in his eyes, he really was sorry. I forgave him, when I wasn't going to, because of my past. But I did.

Happy ending: I'm still with him and that friend of mine is long gone.

I know how you feel. I do, love. But when he doesn't give you a direct answer, when he doesn't feel any remorse about what he did, no matter if alcohol was involved or not... it's wrong. it is *wrong*. You made up for your mistakes, the guilt is eating at you. Yet he feels no guilt? To answer a serious question with "I dunno," makes me worried. You need to face him and make him answer. If not, then every time will be a "I dunno," answer. He needs to listen to you. Period.

If he can't step up to par for your heart, why should you for his?


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## Sholee (Mar 1, 2015)

Did any of you guys watch Friends before? This is totally reminding me the Emily, Rachel, Ross arc, and I'm Emily. 

-_-


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## Alolan_Apples (Mar 1, 2015)

Tao said:


> Aren't we supposed to be moving closer to equality between genders rather than saying that something universal (heartbreak) is somehow still worse for one gender?
> 
> 
> In this case there's an old saying, "a woman's work is never done", and this is why you get paid less.



You're right. It's bad no matter what gender it is.



Reindeer said:


> Why are you trying to make this about politics? People's point was that men have emotions just as much as women do, so saying that it's worse if you cheat on a woman or break a woman's heart is short-sighted and frankly stupid. Check out the original post to see the guy's reaction to her cheating 5 years ago.
> 
> I've had to deal with cheating in my previous relationship, though if it was just kissing I probably wouldn't have minded it as much. The worst part of it was all the lies I had to fight through, because even now I'm certain I only know half the story of all the times I got cheated on.
> 
> If your boyfriend says "I don't know" in regards to whether he likes her or if it's payback, then something weird is going on. You need to give him space for a while and tell him to think, then tell you his true feelings. Don't put too much pressure on him though, because I imagine that if the guy's actual response to the two questions is "no", then his actions have him very confused. He needs to work through this as much as you do.



I don't know why I brought up politics there, but I was trying to say that men had more power, which is why I felt that it's worse to be meaner to a girl than a boy.


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## Naiad (Mar 1, 2015)

Apple2012 said:


> You're right. It's bad no matter what gender it is.
> 
> I don't know why I brought up politics there, but I was trying to say that men had more power, which is why I felt that it's worse to be meaner to a girl than a boy.



It's not worse, being mean to anyone is terrible. However, there's a double standard in society which says that woman are "more fragile", and "weaker", so they can't handle things like this. That statement isn't necessarily true.


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## Tao (Mar 1, 2015)

Apple2012 said:


> You're right. It's bad no matter what gender it is.
> 
> 
> 
> I don't know why I brought up politics there, but I was trying to say that men had more power, which is why I felt that it's worse to be meaner to a girl than a boy.




Men 'had' more power...So screw men?


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## Alolan_Apples (Mar 1, 2015)

Lafiel said:


> It's not worse, being mean to anyone is terrible. However, there's a double standard in society which says that woman are "more fragile", and "weaker", so they can't handle things like this. That statement isn't necessarily true.



I believe this is the answer I was looking for. Thanks for answering.


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## Nuclear Bingo (Mar 1, 2015)

Tao said:


> Men 'had' more power...So screw men?



why you wailing on apple so much, breh? The topic is someone's relationship, not this gender stuff


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## Reenhard (Mar 1, 2015)

Seriously, men has as much feelings as girls dose. why even complain about this? we are here to help out our friend what to do.


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## Reindeer (Mar 1, 2015)

Apple2012 said:


> I don't know why I brought up politics there, but I was trying to say that men had more power, which is why I felt that it's worse to be meaner to a girl than a boy.


Because somehow the status of specific individuals makes it right for the other people of the same sex to be mistreated?

For your age, you have a very simple view of the world.


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## Alolan_Apples (Mar 1, 2015)

Nuclear Bingo said:


> why you wailing on apple so much, breh? The topic is someone's relationship, not this gender stuff



Well I was the one who started it, but I was talking about my perspective until someone else turned it into a gender topic. So you're right.

@Sholee: If he cheated on you, then you should look for someone else who is faithful. Your old boyfriend should've not done that.


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## Tao (Mar 1, 2015)

Nuclear Bingo said:


> why you wailing on apple so much, breh? The topic is someone's relationship, not this gender stuff



I'm not wailing on her personally, I just dislike the whole "it's somehow worse for women" thing that gets thrown around quite a lot, which is actually relevant to the overall topic considering it's based around cheating on somebody.


It's similar to me saying "Women shouldn't be cheating, they should be in the kitchen making me a sandwich".


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## Alolan_Apples (Mar 1, 2015)

Tao said:


> I'm not wailing on her personally, I just dislike the whole "it's somehow worse for women" thing that gets thrown around quite a lot, which is actually relevant to the overall topic considering it's based around cheating on somebody.
> 
> 
> Her last post was 'clear' enough anyway that it wasn't intended in a bad way (so I assume), so it's a none issue.



Thanks. Now let's move on to helping out Sholee. She doesn't deserve people treating her like seen in the OP.


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## Jarrad (Mar 1, 2015)

He has feelings for the girl. 

If you ask me I'd break up with him. The more time spent with him the less chance you'll find your true love.

I get it that individuals each react differently to alcohol, but when I drink I'm able to make these conscious decisions in my head. I feel as though the excuse "because X was drunk/had been drinking alcohol" is being thrown around too much as an excusable reason to get away with things.

Just because somebody's drunk doesn't mean that they become a completely different person. Alcohol just concentrates all of your emotions and thoughts. 

Look at it this way;
It doesn't turn you into a monster, it just dissolves the barriers keeping your inner-self (your monster) in. You've always been a monster, but with the help of alcohol people can see that more clearly.

- - - Post Merge - - -



Tao said:


> I'm not wailing on her personally, I just dislike the whole "it's somehow worse for women" thing that gets thrown around quite a lot, which is actually relevant to the overall topic considering it's based around cheating on somebody.
> 
> 
> It's similar to me saying "Women shouldn't be cheating, they should be in the kitchen making me a sandwich".



Apple is a 22 yr old guy


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## Javocado (Mar 1, 2015)

Wendy Marvell said:


> All men are cheaters, and they always will be!



are u kidding me m8 




this is no. #1 contender for worst post of the year


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## Reenhard (Mar 1, 2015)

Jarrad said:


> He has feelings for the girl.
> 
> If you ask me I'd break up with him. The more time spent with him the less chance you'll find your true love.
> 
> ...



Yeah, like I said. Alcohol shows who you truley are pretty much.  "I was drunk" is never an excuse for me. But yeah, like I also said. Let him proove that he truley loves you and see what happens.


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## Yukari Yakumo (Mar 1, 2015)

I would say these things: 
1)remember that both YOU AND HE committed these indiscretions under the influence of alcohol.  
2)his "I dunno" may have been the result of feeling guilty and "the nicest and most thoughtful person you know" while being confronted during his own confession; not an ideal circumstance
3)so far, both indiscretions resulted only in kissing and immediate confessions to the other person
4)It is possible you unintentionally turned your guilt into anger over this occurrence.
I would say, forgive as you were forgiven.  If you still felt guilty for your actions, so might he over his.  Mistakes happen and not every inconsiderate action is done out of meanness.
Couples counselling might be helpful and now is the ideal time to figure out if your relationship can handle hurdles like this.


Wendy Marvell said:


> All men are cheaters, and they always will be!


If you don't want to be bitten by sharks, don't get in the water, but you'll never be able to swim with dolphins


----------



## Jarrad (Mar 1, 2015)

Apple2012 said:


> No, it doesn't make you a decent human being. But the reason why breaking a girl's heart is taken more seriously...it's hard to explain.



No it's not.

It seems like all you do on this forum is make stupid bias posts which evoke arguments...
Literally, you talk a lot of ****, and that's a HUGE insult coming from some body like me.

- - - Post Merge - - -



Reenhard said:


> Yeah, like I said. Alcohol shows who you truley are pretty much.  "I was drunk" is never an excuse for me. But yeah, like I also said. Let him proove that he truley loves you and see what happens.



I believe that sometimes second chances shouldn't be given.
The OP creator should have expected something like this, considering he's replicated her own actions.

How can you show love towards somebody, but simultaneously have 50/50 feelings towards a childhood friend? :s

- - - Post Merge - - -



Wendy Marvell said:


> All men are cheaters, and they always will be!



http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sexism

take a break from the internet and educate yourself, my fellow fairy tale fan.


----------



## Tao (Mar 1, 2015)

Apple2012 said:


> Thanks. Now let's move on to helping out Sholee. She doesn't deserve people treating her like seen in the OP.




Indeed.



Jarrad said:


> Apple is a 22 yr old guy



I make mistakes sometimes. I usually don't use gender specifics at all unless I for some reason I think I know their gender.


----------



## Reenhard (Mar 1, 2015)

Jarrad said:


> No it's not.
> 
> It seems like all you do on this forum is make stupid bias posts which evoke arguments...
> Literally, you talk a lot of ****, and that's a HUGE insult coming from some body like me.
> ...



For many years ago before I meet my babe today. I had a ex boyfriend who was an *******. He was flirthing with others girls behind my back. And flirthing is already a sign of cheating. Because then there is something he dosent like about me and go to other girls. I DO rather the relationship just ends by breaking up than experience cheating. I did the same behind his back when he did that. But shortly I broke up with him because I knew he wasent the one for me. The love I got now, I could never cheat on him. And I trust him more than anything. So its importand finding someone you dont need always keep an eye on and you can fully trust him and he can trust me.


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## Javocado (Mar 1, 2015)

also
" I asked him if it really was the alcohol's doing, he said "maybe 50/50"
I asked him if he liked her, he said "i dunno" "

you gotta get to the bottom of this fam
or it might be time to pull the plug
and if that happens then i wish you the best peach goddess


----------



## Leela (Mar 1, 2015)

Wendy Marvell said:


> All men are cheaters, and they always will be!



No.

Sholee, if I were you, I'd end the relationship... 

*"I asked him if he liked her, he said "i dunno""*

If he's even considering being attracted to someone else, it doesn't seem like his heart's fully in the relationship. I won't go into the time you got drunk and cheated any further than mentioning it, but it's been five years since then. I'm sure you've been through so much with him in that time, and you'd been together for much longer when he cheated.

Maybe he has commitment issues? He could be worried that he's settling down since you've been together for do long, and he might be questioning the relationship.


----------



## Naiad (Mar 1, 2015)

Jarrad said:


> I believe that sometimes second chances shouldn't be given.
> The OP creator should have expected something like this, considering he's replicated her own actions.
> 
> How can you show love towards somebody, but simultaneously have 50/50 feelings towards a childhood friend? :s



Polygamy u v u
But yeah, I'd push him on the whole Childhood Friend thing. His replies just rub me the wrong way.


----------



## Jarrad (Mar 1, 2015)

Lafiel said:


> Polygamy u v u
> But yeah, I'd push him on the whole Childhood Friend thing. His replies just rub me the wrong way.



plot twist: Op's boyfriend is an Indian prince with over 5 wives


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## Naiad (Mar 1, 2015)

Jarrad said:


> plot twist: Op's boyfriend is an Indian prince with over 5 wives



welp
at least he's a prince


----------



## Jarrad (Mar 1, 2015)

Lafiel said:


> welp
> at least he's a prince



yes...

at least he's a prince...


----------



## Peisinoe (Mar 1, 2015)

I didn't read the rest of the thread..

I think separating might be the best choice. If it was meant to be you guys will be back together.

I asked him if it really was the alcohol's doing, he said "maybe 50/50"
I asked him if he liked her, he said "i dunno"
I asked him if he felt this was a "*** for tat" and he responded with "maybe, .....I dunno" 


That already shows you he's unsure.

What if she breaks up with her bf? Then she's single, if he still likes her more than a friend, and he doesnt want to tell you then deep down no matter what you'll still think about the incident.

- - - Post Merge - - -

He might think "I liked her for so long, and now I have a chance."

The kiss might have rekindled his feelings. Sure we can be optimistic that everything works out. But lets be realistic, sometimes people just go with the flow and what feels good.


You did the same, and you might say well... he forgave me, I should forgive him. But if he can't tell you 100% why he did it, and he can't be 100% invested in the relationship with you, and not think about the old childhood friend/used to have a crush on.

Then its time to let him go.


----------



## mogyay (Mar 1, 2015)

i don't know you at all so i couldn't possibly know how you'll deal with these emotions but when my ex boyfriend cheated on me with his best friend i turned into a literal crazy person. i didn't sleep, i didn't see my friends, i called him constantly, i tried to make him choose between me and her, i'd get angry when he mentioned her name, i'd need constant clarification that he loved me, i ended up hating myself, by the end of the relationship i was getting next to no sleep and wasn't eating.

and it was horrible breaking up, every single day was so lonely and all i wanted to do was call him and say sorry and i made a mistake but looking back on it now (it's been about 8 months) i'm so god damn happy. i think you need to take some time out to understand how damaging this can make you feel.

also this is so irrelevant but my ex and his friend are in a relationship now (she too had a boyfriend at the time so i thought there was no way it could happen) i used to think i pushed them together until i realised that was bull****.



also what satani said basically, i don't think you need to forgive him because he forgave you, the circumstances i'm sure are very different. i understand in relationships it's normal and natural to have feelings (even if they're just sexual or whatever) for other people at some points but if you're in a monogamous relationship he shouldn't be wavering on his feelings for this other girl, that's not ok.


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## kyukon (Mar 1, 2015)

I don't know if this topic is valid anymore or not, but I've also been in a similar situation. I personally would suggest taking a break. I don't know exactly how invested you are in the relationship, but obviously seven years is substantial and this decision might seem like the end-of-the-world, but it's really not. Sometimes, breaks are vital to a relationship in that it gives both parties the time to calm down and think rationally about both the situation and their individual needs. When you are still in the relationship, you're forced to be so close to the situation and often (like I unfortunately learned), your heart can get in the way of your best interests. I think taking the initiative to break for now will not only assert that you have your specific standards and morals, but give the both of you time to think about what you really want. You may find out (I hope this isn't the case, but speaking rationally and in your best interests) that your boyfriend wasn't completely sincere about the relationship and was using you. OR (a better alternative), you may find out that you meet someone better and that you were just sticking with him because of your long history and need for stability). I can't say much since I'm only going off of the little bit you said and sure, I'm making some assumptions (I hope none are out of bounds!), but it's just an idea to take away. I hope for the best, and you have a lot of support from everyone here! Be strong and trust in your own decisions and you'll be fine!


----------



## Sporge27 (Mar 1, 2015)

Woah.  First I am upset at the responses jumping right on specific things.  One of the biggest misconceptions people have about love and relationships is that you won't feel something for anyone else.  That simply isn't true.  

May be it is easier for me because I am gay and already question traditional love.  Or that me and my husband actually can look at a cute guy and agree he is haha.  

There are billions of people on this planet and you and your boyfriend are going to have crushes on other people from time to time.  No matter who you are with that is true, and if that is a deal breaker for you I honestly think either you are going to end up with someone really good at lying or you might not find someone, because no one is flawless.

What is important is that you communicate, and understand what it means.  When he says he doesn't know he likes this other girl, it means he probably does have feelings for her even if only slightly but he cares enough about you to A not want to lie about it and B not want to cause a problem.  In my mind feelings for other people don't matter as long as he still loves you, especially if he is still putting you first and outright coming forward about it.

Life is to short to let jealousy ruin things so easily.  Be open and empathetic, you even stated yourself that you have done the same mistake before, so you know it can happen.   I also don't think he did it because you did he was drunk, which points to a  spur of the moment kind of thing.  When you put him on the spot asking that kind of a question, it is like a trap that makes him feel like some blame then gets shifted to you which is not what happens.  Don't hold grudges, and don't expect him to hold a grudge either.  If he had said "Well you did this before", that is entirely different than when you bring it up.  

That said I cannot judge your situation too thoroughly I don't know you or your boyfriend, and I certainly don't know your history.  7 years is a long time.  Don't do something rash if it was only a small smudge on an otherwise wonderful time.


----------



## Jake (Mar 1, 2015)

Why not have a 3way it's a win-win


----------



## infinikitten (Mar 1, 2015)

OP, I'm sorry your thread kind of devolved into weird jokes and arguments, and I want to remind you again that my inbox is always open if you want to have Serious Business Talk about this kind of thing. I don't know quite how stressful it is for you at the moment but I imagine it's hard and I hope that even if you don't reach out much online (beyond this thread of course) that you have a support network offline that can be there for you and help make it easier to process all of this.



Sporge27 said:


> Woah.  First I am upset at the responses jumping right on specific things.  One of the biggest misconceptions people have about love and relationships is that you won't feel something for anyone else.  That simply isn't true.
> 
> May be it is easier for me because I am gay and already question traditional love.  Or that me and my husband actually can look at a cute guy and agree he is haha.
> 
> ...



This is a great post and you should feel great. ♥


----------



## Naiad (Mar 1, 2015)

Jake. said:


> Why not have a 3way it's a win-win



okay but
whatchu gonna do about the extra person u v u
Best Friend is taken remember


----------



## Sholee (Mar 1, 2015)

Jake. said:


> Why not have a 3way it's a win-win





Lafiel said:


> okay but
> whatchu gonna do about the extra person u v u
> Best Friend is taken remember



it could be a 4 way! 


Anyways, thanks for all the response guys! I still haven't talked to him yet, still gathering my thoughts and i'm sure he is as well.

We are currently on a break and that's probably for the best. After reading everyones response, I probably should have added this to the first post, he definitely feels remorseful about it, he apologized several times when I was asking questions. I've only seen my boyfriend cry twice during our whole relationship, the first time was when i cheated on him and the second time was when he was apologizing about what he did. 

This whole situation just seems so out of the blue, it's not like they were never drunk with each other before. They've been to countless parties together, some where I was there and some where I wasn't. So i do wonder if there was something about our relationship that may have spurred this to happen. Like someone posted before, maybe he is having committment issues? And i'm not even sure if I should ask, who started it? was it him or was it her?

I have even more questions to ask him now after posting this thread.


On the bright side.... it feels great eating this tub of ice cream! ahahah 
Now i know why they always do this in movies~


----------



## Jake (Mar 1, 2015)

Sholee said:


> it could be a 4 way!
> 
> 
> Anyways, thanks for all the response guys! I still haven't talked to him yet, still gathering my thoughts and i'm sure he is as well.
> ...



Don't break up with him tho unless he is a real ****. You. 2 are my otp!!!


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## Sholee (Mar 1, 2015)

Jake. said:


> Don't break up with him tho unless he is a real ****. You. 2 are my otp!!!



But i always wanted to check out online dating!


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## Yukari Yakumo (Mar 1, 2015)

Also, remember that you're asking for relationship advice on the internet.
Grain of salt, you know.


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## Ghost Soda (Mar 1, 2015)

Illyana said:


> 50/50, meaning fifty percent of him was capable of making the decision to cheat or not. He chose to.
> 
> He "doesn't know" if he likes her?
> 
> ...yeah, no. I wouldn't feel comfortable with those responses.



this seems like the best response.

yes, people can have other crushes, but you should be able to keep it your frikken pants anyway if you're taken.


----------



## Peisinoe (Mar 1, 2015)

Sholee said:


> it could be a 4 way!
> 
> 
> Anyways, thanks for all the response guys! I still haven't talked to him yet, still gathering my thoughts and i'm sure he is as well.
> ...



Sporge is right though, 7 years is a long time. A lot of time invested, don't do anything rash bascially. And talk when you both are calm and not just reeling from what has happened.

I hope everything works out for you, and that you find happiness. That is all that truly matters.


----------



## Tao (Mar 1, 2015)

Sholee said:


> But i always wanted to check out online dating!



Stay away from the free sites...From what I've seen and/or heard regarding female users, a majority of the men on there are utter animals.


Though some of the things you hear about these guys asking are delightfully hilarious (as well as ultra creepy).


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## Heartcore (Mar 1, 2015)

That's a complicated situation. Alcohol makes things hazey, but at the same time, you can't really blame your problems on alcohol 100%. He said it was 50/50 so it sounds like he had some recognition about what he did. But you also have to take into consideration that you cheated. I wouldn't stay with a cheater, but I also wouldn't cheat. So I would say maybe you guys just aren't good for one another.


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## Fearthecuteness (Mar 2, 2015)

I hate it when people blame alcohol on their actions. Alcohol is NEVER an excuse for cheating. If you drink so much that you can't control your actions it is still your doing, so you're still the one to blame. 

Also, the guy is being a d**k. Just leave him since he probably wants to be with the other girl. Unless he cuts Her from his life then he's most likely going to cheat on you with her again. It just might go further next time.


----------



## Murray (Mar 2, 2015)

Fearthecuteness said:


> I hate it when people blame alcohol on their actions. Alcohol is NEVER an excuse for cheating. If you drink so much that you can't control your actions it is still your doing, so you're still the one to blame.
> 
> Also, the guy is being a d**k. Just leave him since he probably wants to be with the other girl. Unless he cuts Her from his life then he's most likely going to cheat on you with her again. It just might go further next time.



I agree with the first thing that you said only, I think it's good that he is being honest and not blaming alcohol 100% (like you seemingly did 5 years ago). It seems like back then your relationship showed a crack that wasn't fixed because the problem was blamed on alcohol. You should let him think about it as, I don't think his response makes him a filthy cheating animal, but rather he is honest and either wants to repair the relationship properly or end it, so make sure you at least hear him out either way. But don't feel obligated to do anything for any reason, if you're not comfortable in the relationship don't feel like you have to stay out of guilt. ok bye


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## Fearthecuteness (Mar 2, 2015)

Murray said:


> I agree with the first thing that you said only, I think it's good that he is being honest and not blaming alcohol 100% (like you seemingly did 5 years ago). It seems like back then your relationship showed a crack that wasn't fixed because the problem was blamed on alcohol. You should let him think about it as, I don't think his response makes him a filthy cheating animal, but rather he is honest and either wants to repair the relationship properly or end it, so make sure you at least hear him out either way. But don't feel obligated to do anything for any reason, if you're not comfortable in the relationship don't feel like you have to stay out of guilt. ok bye



I agree with this person. At least your boyfriend was being honest.


----------



## Reenhard (Mar 2, 2015)

Sholee said:


> it could be a 4 way!
> 
> 
> Anyways, thanks for all the response guys! I still haven't talked to him yet, still gathering my thoughts and i'm sure he is as well.
> ...



It is a big diffrent saying "I kissed her" and "she kissed me". If she was the one kissing him. He better not kissing back and better move back. I never understood things like this honestly... If I loved someone that much. Why should I go and kiss someone else? its totally stupid to me.


----------



## Wishy_The_Star (Mar 2, 2015)

I read this and spoke about this with my own boyfriend of 2 years and he said that this is unacceptable. You should not forgive him if his answers were "i dunno". He probably does still love you, and i wont deny that, but there are clearly feelings there for this other girl. And if he is not 100% for YOU then you deserve way better.


----------



## Tap Dancer (Mar 2, 2015)

Wendy Marvell said:


> All men are cheaters, and they always will be!



Because you've personally met every man in the world, right? And they've all shared that information with you? Give me a break.


----------



## Sanaki (Mar 2, 2015)

This is why I don't tolerate when my boyfriends drink if females are there unless I'm there too or I don't drink with other guys. I may sound narrow minded but it honestly solves and prevents a ton of problems.

His answers are what bothers me. If he had answered with more thought, I'd have gone a little easier.


----------



## Sholee (Mar 2, 2015)

Ahri said:


> This is why I don't tolerate when my boyfriends drink if females are there unless I'm there too or I don't drink with other guys. I may sound narrow minded but it honestly solves and prevents a ton of problems.
> 
> His answers are what bothers me. If he had answered with more thought, I'd have gone a little easier.



I dont want to have to babysit my boyfriend when he goes out and vice versa. By now, we should know our alcohol limitations and we should be able to handle ourselves like responsible adults in these situations thats why i never really worried about him going to parties without me. 

I am bothered by his answers as well but i can understand that he probably is really confused right now. However, the next time we talk, i wont be accepting "i dunnos" as an answer anymore.


----------



## Reenhard (Mar 2, 2015)

Sholee said:


> I dont wanve to babysit my boyfriend when he goes out and vice versa. By now, we should know our alcohol limitations and we should be able to handle ourselves like responsible adults in these situations thats why i never really worried about him going to parties without me.
> 
> I am bothered by his answers as well but i can understand that he probably is really confused right now. However, the next time we talk, i wont be accepting "i dunnos" as an answer anymore.



You should never baby sit him or antibe


----------



## SweetT (Mar 2, 2015)

I agree with other posters, his indecisive answers the I dunno etc are not good.  I would make him nail down those answers better and if he can't then he would be gone..well in my book he'd be gone either way but thats just me.


----------



## Reenhard (Mar 2, 2015)

Sholee said:


> I dont want to have to babysit my boyfriend when he goes out and vice versa. By now, we should know our alcohol limitations and we should be able to handle ourselves like responsible adults in these situations thats why i never really worried about him going to parties without me.
> 
> I am bothered by his answers as well but i can understand that he probably is really confused right now. However, the next time we talk, i wont be accepting "i dunnos" as an answer anymore.



Ah darn.. Ignore my last post. Typical phones. Anyways. You cant baby sit him. That would just tear you down and it won't be love anymore. He either gotta choose you or the other girl. Be strong and we are here to support you <3


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## Sholee (Mar 2, 2015)

Is it a bad idea to confront the girl? I want to hear her side of the story... and compare the 2 stories to see if there is anything my bf is lying about or leaving out.

it seems that she hasnt told her bf about what happen seeing as they still seem as lovey dovey as ever on fb.


----------



## badcrumbs (Mar 2, 2015)

Sholee said:


> Is it a bad idea to confront the girl?



Good, bad, or neutral, I would talk to her about it. I would be stewing over the situation until I did... that's just me, though.


----------



## SockHead (Mar 2, 2015)

its not like you guys ****ed other people.. dont sweat it man


----------



## Reenhard (Mar 2, 2015)

Sholee said:


> Is it a bad idea to confront the girl? I want to hear her side of the story... and compare the 2 stories to see if there is anything my bf is lying about or leaving out.
> 
> it seems that she hasnt told her bf about what happen seeing as they still seem as lovey dovey as ever on fb.



Hm... there is always a risk for drama but still. When my ex boyfriend cheated on me, my friend who got flirthed by him told everything to me. And then I knew everything and at that point I left him. Better know the truth so.


----------



## Sholee (Mar 2, 2015)

SockHead said:


> its not like you guys ****ed other people.. dont sweat it man



lols you remind me of my friend. of course im glad that he didnt sleep with her or at least thats what he says. and honestly if it was some random girl that he kissed, it'd be a whole lot easier.

But its possible that he may have rekindled old feelings for his friend and it still doesnt change the fact that it shattered all the trust i had in him and i feel like that will be the hardest thing to repair if we are to stay together


----------



## SpatialSilence (Mar 2, 2015)

I would be really mad if this happened to me. If he is one bit indecisive about liking another girl, he doesn't truly love you. Love is liking one person and only wanting to be with that person. I think you should let him go, but that's just my opinion. He should get credit for being honest, but to say that it was 50/50 judgement would make him more than guilty. Being completely drunk is one thing but to have some control is wayyy different. And when you cheated it was much earlier so the love has grown. He did it not long ago so that makes him even more guilty. I feel really bad for you and I know how you feel somehow even though it has never happened to me. I hope things go well and you make a good decision. <3
He may really love you but he might just be confused. I would break it off for a while and see what direction he goes in. Make him fight for you back. He is the one that is guilty, not you.


----------



## Princess Weeb (Mar 2, 2015)

Sholee said:


> Is it a bad idea to confront the girl? I want to hear her side of the story... and compare the 2 stories to see if there is anything my bf is lying about or leaving out.
> 
> it seems that she hasnt told her bf about what happen seeing as they still seem as lovey dovey as ever on fb.



Tell him, seriously. 
If you're unsure as to whether he knows just as him how he is dealing with it to bring up the conversation. Either way the longer her boyfriend is left without knowing the worse he will feel after finding out.


----------



## Sholee (Mar 2, 2015)

Princess Weeb said:


> Either way the longer her boyfriend is left without knowing the worse he will feel after finding out.



i feel like thats not my business. She should be the one telling him, not me. i feel like if i tell her bf what happened, its just going to be even more drama.


----------



## kassie (Mar 2, 2015)

Sholee said:


> i feel like thats not my business. She should be the one telling him, not me. i feel like if i tell her bf what happened, its just going to be even more drama.



Uhhhh yeah, definitely not a good idea. 
I do agree with badcrumbs though, that you should talk to the girl.


----------



## Tao (Mar 2, 2015)

Sholee said:


> i feel like thats not my business. She should be the one telling him, not me. i feel like if i tell her bf what happened, its just going to be even more drama.



Don't directly tell him.

Make a status update like "Can't believe my boyfriend cheated on my with that skank @*insert name*. He's so silly!"

Then he knows and you've not really done anything.




Then go all 80's action movie and look for revenge, with a brutal climax with an 82 person death count where you rip her boobs off. Remember to say something awesome when you do it like "say goodbye to your *breast* friends".


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## Lady Timpani (Mar 2, 2015)

Tao said:


> Don't directly tell him.
> 
> Make a status update like "Can't believe my boyfriend cheated on my with that skank @*insert name*. He's so silly!"
> 
> ...



Oh my god

Well, I feel like everyone's said everything I want to say, but I don't think you should let their opinions totally dictate what you would do in this situation. His lack of a response is definitely alarming, and I do think it's good that you guys decided to take a break. However, I don't think you should break up with him unless things get worse (like he decides he does still have feelings for her). I've never been in a relationship, but seven years is a whole lot of time, and if you guys were good before this one hiccup, I don't think it's worth throwing it away.

I wish you good luck in whatever you do.


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## inkling (Mar 2, 2015)

Sorry about your situation. He probably just needs  some space to figure out how he's feeling and what he wants. By what you said he sounds confused. It seems like you want to work things out and love him, so I guess just be patient with him? In the end he'll either miss you or not and I guess you guys can go from there...
That's just my opinion. I'm speaking from having been in a similar situation of cheating and being confused. In my case, I ended my 5 year relationship/being engaged because I realized even though I cared about that person and considered them my best friend, I did not truly love that person enough to put up with them and spend the rest of my life with them. I think a lot of times in any relationship when it gets to a point of there being a lot of pressure on a person or they feel constrained they just need some breathing room to figure out their situation and feelings.

I'm really sorry for your situation. It sucks. :/


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## Bowie (Mar 2, 2015)

Look, you've been together for seven years. That is a very long time. Couples are bound to make some mistakes in that length of period. He needs time to figure out what he really wants, and in the meantime, you have to prepare yourself for what his decision might be. I wouldn't go to him and demand answers. Not yet, at least. Give him a month or two to make his decision, and if he can't make one the next time you confront him, you're gonna have to be strong and make one for him.


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## Eldin (Mar 2, 2015)

I haven't read this entire thread, but here's my two cents;

It wouldn't bother me that he kissed some girl. Everybody makes mistakes. What would bother me is the fact that he a) admitted that it wasn't just the alcohol that lead to this happening, and b) he responded to your other questions with "I don't know". I know he's probably confused, but I don't know is not a suitable answer if you want to have a totally honest conversation about this. When asked if he has feelings for her or if this was some sort of revenge bs, I would sure as hell want either a yes or no because if either of those things are the case, then that's the issue - not the fact that he kissed her. He needs to be more open about why it happened, even though I'm sure it's not the most comfortable thing to talk about. But if you want to get past it he's going to have to be honest and stop avoiding those questions.

Anyways I'm sorry this happened, I hope you guys can figure it out.


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## Jake (Mar 2, 2015)

Just lock them in a room together and set them up or sth

Of they frick frack then dump his ass and if not then he is ok!!


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## Sanaki (Mar 2, 2015)

Sholee said:


> I dont want to have to babysit my boyfriend when he goes out and vice versa. By now, we should know our alcohol limitations and we should be able to handle ourselves like responsible adults in these situations thats why i never really worried about him going to parties without me.
> 
> I am bothered by his answers as well but i can understand that he probably is really confused right now. However, the next time we talk, i wont be accepting "i dunnos" as an answer anymore.



If "babysitting" is what I have to do to prevent some accident like this from happening, then I'll do it. I talk to them in a civil manner about alcohol and how I'm pretty uncomfortable with the idea of him going to a party without me and etc, they usually just understand and agree. I did allow him to go out and drink and there were some girls, mainly because he was sneaky about it and didn't tell me, and that always adds to my paranoia. 

But honestly if you guys didn't even sleep together then you need to understand how it happened with you first. Doesn't make it right, but it's not like the world's going to end. Only seriously wrong thing are his answers. He sounds like he doesn't give a ****.


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## tobi! (Mar 2, 2015)

Ahri, I kinda disagree with saying babysitting should be done. If you babysit your partner, that leads to trust issues.


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## Sanaki (Mar 2, 2015)

I didn't tell her to, I said that's what I do. Re-read what I said please, lol.


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## MrPicklez (Mar 2, 2015)

I've cheated and been cheated on. Mostly myself cheating because I have huge commitment issues, but I can agree on the huge feeling of guilt that comes with the burden. I honestly don't condone it. That's why I primarily stick to open relationships aka FWBs.

But, yeah, sounds like the dude has feelings for her and is thinking what step he wants to take next in your relationship. Honestly, it sounds like he's hiding other information to me.


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## Jake (Mar 2, 2015)

"When in doubt, put out"

That's what my mom told me and it's never failed me once


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## Tao (Mar 2, 2015)

Jake. said:


> "When in doubt, put out"
> 
> That's what my mom told me and it's never failed me once




I went with that logic for a while...Getting chlamydia is pretty much a fail state.


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## tobi! (Mar 2, 2015)

Ahri said:


> I didn't tell her to, I said that's what I do. Re-read what I said please, lol.



That was directed towards both of you but w/e

- - - Post Merge - - -



Jake. said:


> "When in doubt, put out"
> 
> That's what my mom told me and it's never failed me once



You should be a love doctor.


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## Princess (Mar 2, 2015)

I'm sorry this happened, and I understand this is a complicated situation because you feel you were in his shoes before.
But the fact of the matter is, he is unsure about his feelings for someone else, and that's not okay. He needs to figure that out before you two can figure out what to do. 
Yes you cheated in the past, and so did he, but this situation involves him having feelings for someone else so it's different. 

If you decide to continue the relationship, will you be able to handle seeing this other girl everywhere? What will he do to ensure you feel comfortable when you inevitably see her again?


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## oswaldies (Mar 2, 2015)

I'm 11, Idkkk


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## Ghost Soda (Mar 2, 2015)

sailoreamon said:


> I'm 11, Idkkk



10/10 best response.


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## tobi! (Mar 2, 2015)

sailoreamon said:


> I'm 11, Idkkk



yeah the most you've probably cheated on is a math test.


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## KarlaKGB (Mar 3, 2015)

nice memes


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## Royce (Mar 3, 2015)

Cheating is Cheating , Love is Love , how can you truly love if you have no problems, problems cause a tear a tear that can let you make a new start and make the bond stronger, but if the tear is repeated, it will be harder to mend , always have balance in a relationship. 

I is 13 lol


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## Sholee (Mar 3, 2015)

Tao said:


> Don't directly tell him.
> 
> Make a status update like "Can't believe my boyfriend cheated on my with that skank @*insert name*. He's so silly!"
> 
> ...





Jake. said:


> "When in doubt, put out"
> 
> That's what my mom told me and it's never failed me once





sailoreamon said:


> I'm 11, Idkkk



lmaoooo you guys!


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## Sholee (Mar 3, 2015)

/edit

no more interrogation


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## Jas0n (Mar 3, 2015)

Sholee said:


> compiling questions to ask, what else should i ask?
> 
> What happened? from beginning to end.
> Who was there?
> ...



I don't think you're going to have a boyfriend after playing a round of 20 questions with him.


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## gnoixaim (Mar 3, 2015)

Sholee said:


> compiling questions to ask, what else should i ask?
> 
> What happened? from beginning to end.
> Who was there?
> ...



Tbh, this seems like a lot to ask. It really depends on if you trust him or not. He can easily BS his way through all these questions to make you happy. (And if you ask the girl these questions, she can easily BS you too) And I highly doubt him answering these will ease your pain. ;/ & you really shouldn't have to be asking questions to get any information. He should be telling you and being straight up, if he cared.

I'm really sorry this happened to you.it's happened to me too


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## Sholee (Mar 3, 2015)

Jas0n said:


> I don't think you're going to have a boyfriend after playing a round of 20 questions with him.



lols most of these are pretty simple questions, if he cant answer them, then he wont have a gf nemore.


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## Jas0n (Mar 3, 2015)

Sholee said:


> lols most of these are pretty simple questions, if he cant answer them, then he wont have a gf nemore.



Might be the healthiest solution right there!


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## tobi! (Mar 3, 2015)

Jas0n said:


> Might be the healthiest solution right there!



Agreed :/


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## Eldin (Mar 3, 2015)

Woah, not to be rude but I don't think you need to analyze every single thing that went down. I know you want to know exactly what happened but it usually won't make you feel better. It happened. The only important question now is what this means for your relationship in the future ie, can you both move on from it and does he even want to.


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## Sholee (Mar 3, 2015)

Eldin said:


> Woah, not to be rude but I don't think you need to analyze every single thing that went down. I know you want to know exactly what happened but it usually won't make you feel better. It happened. The only important question now is what this means for your relationship in the future ie, can you both move on from it and does he even want to.



yeah thats tru. i dont think i really want to know how it went down, it wont change the fact it happened.

my emotions are just all over the place right now


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## Chris (Mar 3, 2015)

I agree with *gnoixiam*, *Jason*, and *Eldin*. A big interrogation is just going to overwhelm him and make him feel even more awful about it - and from what you've said, it sounds like he felt bad enough. Keeping it short and simple might get you better thought out answers. So, rather than looking to add more questions to the list, why not cut them down instead? 

To pick out a few from your list: 


Who kissed who? 
How long? Did you stop it?
Do you like her?
Do you still want to be with me?
These seem like the most ideal questions to ask IMO: who initiated it, who stopped it, and his feelings regarding both (a) her and (b) your relationship.


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## MozzarellaSticks (Mar 3, 2015)

Honestly, if you've both cheated it might be time to call it quits. Maybe you two aren't meant to be at this time. Feeling remorse for your actions doesn't exactly excuse doing them in the first place, and this is a problem both of you have. Blame the alcohol, blame whatever. But it's a pretty glaring issue of trust now and it's going to crumble the longer you try and string it out.


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## Tao (Mar 3, 2015)

Sholee said:


> compiling questions to ask, what else should i ask?
> 
> What happened? from beginning to end.
> Who was there?
> ...



I would say the bold ones are the more important. 

Some of them like "Do you still want to be with me" are things that will probably get a yes response but could quite easily be a case of "yes...Until she breaks up with her boyfriend", or others such as "who kissed who" don't really matter and are more about finding somebody to blame (which doesn't change the fact that it happened). 

The "does her boyfriend know?" is super irrelevant. He *should* know, but it's not really any of your business (I don't mean to sound rude)..........Besides, if he doesn't know and their life goes on as normal, they will never suspect you abseiling through her bedroom window in a few weeks with an M16 and having an epic standoff with her, shooting her in the face and saying "you should take an aspirin".





I would say "are you going to still see her" etc are more of a bigger question.

Personally, if this happened to me (it has happened to me, and I've been guilty of it once) I would think it goes without asking that they don't see that person, at the very least not for a while until the trust between you two has been built back up. 

Something lacking in your relationship could be an answer but if that's the case, don't feel like it was your fault. If there was a 'problem' he should have told you rather than banging another chick. It's nice to know if there was a problem but don't let him off the hook if there was. He's still the one at fault.


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## Sholee (Mar 3, 2015)

Tao said:


> Besides, if he doesn't know and their life goes on as normal, they will never suspect you abseiling through her bedroom window in a few weeks with an M16 and having an epic standoff with her, shooting her in the face and saying "you should take an aspirin".



If only it weren't for the legal issues that will ensue after I blow her to pieces! ;]


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## Reenhard (Mar 3, 2015)

Remember, the only blame though is the boyfriend. It is HIS choice, I bet she didnt force him really. That what annoyes me about cheaters. The partner attack the girl/guy its boy/girlfriend has kissed or got laid with. It is the boy/girlfriend you should be pissed of.


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## Bradski (Mar 3, 2015)

Why are you posting this on here? sounds like some super personal stuff.


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## Sholee (Mar 3, 2015)

Reenhard said:


> Remember, the only blame though is the boyfriend. It is HIS choice, I bet she didnt force him really. That what annoyes me about cheaters. The partner attack the girl/guy its boy/girlfriend has kissed or got laid with. It is the boy/girlfriend you should be pissed of.



Yes, lemme direct my imaginary AK-47 at him as well.



Bradski said:


> Why are you posting this on here? sounds like some super personal stuff.



I like to hear opinions from other people especially people who have dealt with this situation before, and it's not like I know anyone on these forums in real life and people here don't know me, so whats the harm?


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## Ghost Soda (Mar 3, 2015)

Sholee said:


> Yes, lemme direct my imaginary AK-47 at him as well.
> 
> 
> 
> I like to hear opinions from other people especially people who have dealt with this situation before, and it's not like I know anyone on these forums in real life and people here don't know me, so whats the harm?



plot twist; the other girl was among us all along.


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## Isabella (Mar 3, 2015)

alright so i've been following your thread for a while now & pretty much read all the pages, there's a lot of good advice here.

I've been in a similar situation although it was less severe I guess I could put it, he wanted to be honest with me and told me he might be getting distracted/catching feelings for a friend. More to it but I'll just leave it as a general summary. And my initial reaction was basically pure anger, cause our relationship had been going on for more than a year so you can imagine the jealousy or whatever you wanna call it.
I thought and said irrational and angry things, then I cut contact for about a month. Fought the urges to say anything. 
He came back to me a month later, we had a clear and honest conversation, and as of now we are good friends. I do feel like I'm too forgiving sometimes but I felt like he gave me valid reasons to still want to talk to him and proved a lot as a friend with his actions that he truly was sorry for it.

Over that time though, I got to recollect my thoughts a lot. A post that I want to highlight that was posted a few pages back on this thread is that over time, it's going to be inevitable that at some point you're going to fancy someone else, think they're attractive or whatever, but what really matters is if you pursue or not, and if you can maturely handle it if you do something immature, which truly shows how much you respect your relationship. Basically, while I do think cheating is a deal breaker, in your case you recognized your mistake and now you know your limits with alcohol and stuff. You still went on with your relationship and he seemed to have forgiven you. 

In his case, his response is unacceptable and should not be taken, it just seems like he doesn't care. but since it's so early on and this just happened, my honest opinion is that you should give it a few weeks to recollect your thoughts and think about if you do really want this relationship to continue, etc etc. but don't create a staged interview with a bunch of questions. Just let it come as a natural and honest conversation with a clear mind.

being honest though if you feel like you're in a position where you have to dig so deep just to get some answers out of him, just let it go. he's the one who messed up, he should be handling this in a mature way and giving straight answers if he actually cared to keep a long term relationship. relationships should be 50/50 in terms of effort, and if you're putting in like 90% just to get answers and he's just like "i dunno" then it might be time to just move on.


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## Sholee (Mar 3, 2015)

Isabella said:


> alright so i've been following your thread for a while now & pretty much read all the pages, there's a lot of good advice here.
> 
> I've been in a similar situation although it was less severe I guess I could put it, he wanted to be honest with me and told me he might be getting distracted/catching feelings for a friend. More to it but I'll just leave it as a general summary. And my initial reaction was basically pure anger, cause our relationship had been going on for more than a year so you can imagine the jealousy or whatever you wanna call it.
> I thought and said irrational and angry things, then I cut contact for about a month. Fought the urges to say anything.
> ...



Thanks for your response! I've been thinking A LOT about this whole thing, so much that it's driving me a little insane. I'm going through different scenarios in my head of how this whole thing could go and what I would do. 

It really all boils down to whether or not he likes her. 

If he does like her, well nothing I can do about it except cry and move on.
If he doesn't like her, well... I hope he'd also follow that with a "i wont see/talk to her again"

I've never had to rebuild trust with anyone before and I'm sure it would be way easier to just break up and move on like many of you have said. But I feel like that would be a shame considering we DID have a great relationship and this is only a small yet annoying pimple in our 7 years together. I'm also worried that I'm going to change into that crazy girlfriend who asks her boyfriend 2930129 questions whenever he goes out. (it's already looks like it's starting to happen)


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## Fhyn_K (Mar 3, 2015)

I personally do not think that either of you are ready for a relationship. There's a lot of immaturity going along with your posts, I'm not saying that in a childish connotation, I'm merely saying that a long "stable" relationship isn't always best at the moment. Just live your life and find peace of mind.


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## Jake (Mar 3, 2015)

Jas0n said:


> I don't think you're going to have a boyfriend after playing a round of 20 questions with him.



jason plz, its only 19 questions


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## Sholee (Mar 3, 2015)

Jake. said:


> jason plz, its only 19 questions



I should add one more! :]
j/k j/k


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## Reenhard (Mar 4, 2015)

Looks like this is the end of this thread. Last words here tho. Good luck darling, I hope our words has comforting you and lead you to a safe and healthy path in your life. Whatever happens, we are here to support you. Always.


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