# When should a guy pay on the date?



## Kissyme100 (Dec 4, 2015)

So, my boyfriend just took me out for a birthday date. We went for dinner then a movie. I expected to pay for my own movie stuff but I was kinda hoping he would pay for dinner. Am I over reacting if I'm a little pissed off on the inside?


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## Matramix (Dec 4, 2015)

I think being pissed is totally reasonable, I know if it were my boyfriend I would want to be treated on my birthday and not have to pay for my own things..


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## ams (Dec 4, 2015)

Yeah I definitely expect the guy to pay for things on a date. I mean it's different when you're in a long-term relationship but if it's just a date and _he_ asked _me_ out it would seem rude if he didn't pay.


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## Flaming_Oceans (Dec 4, 2015)

You aren't overreacting. It's, like, your special day. You shouldn't really have to pay for anything on that day. That's only in my opinion, of course, though.


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## Beardo (Dec 4, 2015)

Usually I'd say whatever, but it's your birthday


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## DarkDesertFox (Dec 4, 2015)

For your birthday he should definitely be the one to pay for your dinner and movie. If you guys have been dating awhile and it wasn't a special occasion, then splitting the cost of entertainment for dates is fine.


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## Cailey (Dec 4, 2015)

well I mean my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and a few months (living together for a year and a few months) and we just share money at this point or split costs or he just pays (we don't care much anymore as we're in a serious relationship and we live together so it's different) .. that being said it's a little hard for me to really comment on this other than the fact that it was _your birthday_ and in my opinion ; yes, he should've treated you..

did you pay for everything? if so that's a bit low of him and you have the right to be a little upset but at the same time I don't know either of you personally or your true situation / relationship.


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## King Dorado (Dec 4, 2015)

If you guys live together and have pooled resources then it's a different story, but if you have a formal dating relationship then it's odd he didn't treat you on your birthday.  is he unemployed or something?  also, what country are you in- i know in some cultures it's customary that the birthday celebrant buys for his or her guests...


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## nerdatheart9490 (Dec 4, 2015)

It was your birthday! Of course you shouldn't pay! You don't give someone a birthday present then make them pay for it.

When I first started dating my now ex-boyfriend, he paid for the first two dates because he knew I had recently lost my job. When I got some money, I was more than happy to split the bill when we went out to eat. But for a birthday? Nah. You don't pay on your b-day.

Unless he was broke. Is he broke? In that case, he just might not be able to pay right now. You can have him make it up to you later


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## Deak (Dec 4, 2015)

I'm a guy. I'd feel incredibly awkward if I had my date or gf pay her own way for everything. 

How am I suppose to show that I can and want to take care of her and have money a nonissue for her..that's wild. 

All for equality etc, but this isn't exactly what we were talking about lol.


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## riummi (Dec 4, 2015)

I would be hoping that he pay for important events (such as a birthday) or if he's the one who invited me out sometimes


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## CrossAnimal (Dec 4, 2015)

I think you're right to feel a little pissed about this since it is your birthday. I've always thought that whoever extends the invitation should pay, special event or not.


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## NerdHouse (Dec 4, 2015)

As you get older, your birthday gets less and less "important" until eventually your like "meh, I'm just a little older now" and it won't be such a big deal.

Enjoy the parties and such while you can, I suppose.


Also, I'd say it depends on the boyfriend's financial situation. You can always discuss things with him before any plans are made so that no one is mad/angry/etc.


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## DJStarstryker (Dec 4, 2015)

I don't think a guy should always have to pay. Honestly, IMO, that's being a selfish jerk to expect that. You should try to split things more fairly.

But for your birthday's date, he should be treating you. For all of it. The reverse is true if you took him out on a birthday date for his birthday. You should treat him.


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## Oldcatlady (Dec 4, 2015)

well even if it was just a friend, it was your birthday so they should of treated you.

on regular dates 50/50 would be good. or you pay this time, he pays the next.


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## piske (Dec 4, 2015)

My BF and I are in a long-term relationship and we live together. So we share the expenses for groceries and switch off on who pays what. But I would even be upset if he made me pay for my own birthday dinner!!! Maybe talk with him about it?


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## Kissyme100 (Dec 4, 2015)

Just in case you guys are interested in knowing this. No we do not live together or share finances, we've been dating for about 4 months but known each other for 4 years. I would of payed for both the dinner and movie if it was his birthday. If this was a regular date, I wouldn't care about paying my own bill but it's my birthday! He didn't even wish me a happy birthday btw.  It's like he forgot it was my birthday.

- - - Post Merge - - -



DJStarstryker said:


> I don't think a guy should always have to pay. Honestly, IMO, that's being a selfish jerk to expect that. You should try to split things more fairly.
> 
> But for your birthday's date, he should be treating you. For all of it. The reverse is true if you took him out on a birthday date for his birthday. You should treat him.



If it was a regular date I wouldn't care about paying for my bill. And I agree with you, I would pay for dinner for dinner and the movie if it was his birthday.


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## Matramix (Dec 4, 2015)

Kissyme100 said:


> Just in case you guys are interested in knowing this. No we do not live together or share finances, we've been dating for about 4 months but known each other for 4 years. I would of payed for both the dinner and movie if it was his birthday. If this was a regular date, I wouldn't care about paying my own bill but it's my birthday! He didn't even wish me a happy birthday btw.  It's like he forgot it was my birthday.
> 
> - - - Post Merge - - -
> 
> ...



I'm really sorry to hear that, if I were you I'd try talking to him about it, keeping things like this bottled up is the worst thing to do in a relationship because it begins to built spite overtime, from my experience at least. Hopefully everything works out, also happy birthday from me if it still is your birthday!


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## kayleee (Dec 4, 2015)

Yeah on your birthday he definitely should have paid, I would be annoyed too. He should have paid for your movie also tbh


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## crystalmilktea (Dec 4, 2015)

Ahh noo! Definitely talk to him about it, especially that you feel he forgot it was your birthday. You're not being unreasonable by getting upset, I (and so many others, as you can see) would be as well. But also listen to what he has to say! Have a good discussion rather than an argument, so this can be avoided in the future and you can both improve.

Also just to answer title question: we usually take turns/eyeball it, but on my birthday he would pay for me (and now that I think about it...he paid for his own birthday too OTL he probably insisted because I baked him a cake and bought him a really expensive present, so he feels bad about me spending more money on him)


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## Jawile (Dec 4, 2015)

On dates I'll pay for a good amount of things but I think it's right to split large bills. However, if it's your birthday or other special day, I think it's perfectly reasonable to be upset that he made you pay.


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## MozzarellaSticks (Dec 5, 2015)

When they initiated it. But this is more for the first few dates, if they aren't paying separate. Whoever asks the other person out pays.

If it's a relationship, it doesn't matter. One time one person pays, the next another. It's not something you should keep track of or worry about.


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## ZekkoXCX (Dec 5, 2015)

It was your birthday a.k.a special day for you so of course you shouldn't have payed anything...


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## wassop (Dec 5, 2015)

usually i would think splitting the cost or whoever invited the other are good ways to pay but it _was_ your birthday .... i'm not sure . it's weird that he forgot to say happy birthday , so you could talk to him about it or just mention casually that your birthday was on a certain day and see how he reacts


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## King Dorado (Dec 5, 2015)

yeah, sounds like he totally spaced and forgot it was your birthday!  did he give you any card or gift??


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## Hopeless Opus (Dec 5, 2015)

No, it's totally reasonable to be upset. If you take someone out on a date it's like a given that you pay? I find that really odd actually. If I took someone out on a date I'd pay because it's courteous. Sorry that happened to you!


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## radioloves (Dec 5, 2015)

It's fine to think that way~ It's really nice when guys are willing and want to pay for the girl! It's not a must and can always split but it's just nice to see that guys aren't always selfish and cheap lool ahaha, though it's kind of a tradition but it doesn't have to be I guess


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## Nuclear Bingo (Dec 5, 2015)

this is why you talk about **** in relationships. the best way not to have a miscommunication is to talk about it in the first place


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## King Dorado (Dec 5, 2015)

Is it possible he didn't know it was your birthday to begin with???


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## Trent the Paladin (Dec 5, 2015)

King Dad said:


> Is it possible he didn't know it was your birthday to begin with???



I mean I dunno about you guys, but like birthdays are usually the first thing I ask about so as to try and surprise em.


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## iamnothyper (Dec 5, 2015)

i guess it could be like, he didnt see treating you to dinner as his "gift" ? 
but it is your birthday >__>


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## Ichigo. (Dec 5, 2015)

i'd be mad. even my friend buys me birthday dinners like....it's like the least you could do.


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## Acruoxil (Dec 5, 2015)

I wouldn't ever let my girl pay for anything if I were the one who asked her out :')


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## oreo (Dec 5, 2015)

Of course you aren't overreacting! I'd be pissed too.
Is he dealing with financial issues? If your boyfriend is, he should of told you firsthand.


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## GalacticGhost (Dec 5, 2015)

Tbh I'd be mad too if I had to pay for everything on my birthday. He should be treating you, so he should pay for everything.

Buuuuuuut I've never been in a relationship with anyone before, so... yeah.


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## Kissyme100 (Dec 5, 2015)

King Dad said:


> yeah, sounds like he totally spaced and forgot it was your birthday!  did he give you any card or gift??



Nope. I told him I wanted this date to be my present.

- - - Post Merge - - -



King Dad said:


> Is it possible he didn't know it was your birthday to begin with???



I dont think so, I mentioned many times throughout the week that I was excited for my birthday date.

- - - Post Merge - - -



oreo said:


> Of course you aren't overreacting! I'd be pissed too.
> Is he dealing with financial issues? If your boyfriend is, he should of told you firsthand.



I don't think he does, he has a job. If he did though, he knows that I would be perfectly fine with going out another time and should of just told me.


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## Nuclear Bingo (Dec 5, 2015)

Tom said:


> I mean I dunno about you guys, but like birthdays are usually the first thing I ask about so as to try and surprise em.



I usually ask later or wait for er to mention it, cause then if things don't work out, the day it becomes her birthday and you're not there, it sucks.


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## Dinosaurz (Dec 5, 2015)

Pfft they should pay for everything always


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## TheGreatBrain (Dec 5, 2015)

If the date was suppose to be your present, then of course he should have paid. You pretty much paid for your own Birthday present. Kind of odd that he didn't tell you "Happy Birthday" either.

My sister had asked for a special kind of cake from her fave bakery for her Birthday. The cake had to be ordered, and it was the only thing she wanted. She was a bit annoyed with her husband when she had to pick it up and pay for it.


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## Chris (Dec 5, 2015)

Kissyme100 said:


> Nope. I told him I wanted this date to be my present.



That doesn't necessarily tell him you expect him to pay for it - that just tells him that you wanted to spend time with him as your present. You also shouldn't expect him to pay for it unless he explicitly offered to buy you dinner.


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## Aestivate (Dec 5, 2015)

I guess I'm pretty simple when it comes to this. I'll pay if I ask you out, (or in this case if you organise something for the other person their bhirtday), unless you really want to split the bill. I expect the bill to be split if you ask me out, this just because I feel like following the gender role for at least a fair bit. 

It isn't really a big thing for me, a date is just for fun. Though I doubt we'll have fun anytime soon if you expect me to pay for everything on beforehand regardless of who asks who and you decide to buy half of what the possible shop has in stock.

Coming back to your situation, I don't think it's wrong of you to expect him to pay for the dinner. Or if he decided to switch the payment roles between the movie and dinner around. Besides, he's your boyfriend so it would be more normal that he pays for you (partly) than if he was dating you, at least in my opinion. I just recommend you to not get pissed of too much, it will spoil the fun you have had, you can always talk about it with him just like you did with this thread.


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## Kissyme100 (Dec 5, 2015)

Don't worry about it guys, I'm not too upset about it now. Having a good night's sleep has helped and I plan to spend the whole day with my best friends.


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## piichinu (Dec 5, 2015)

On ur birthday? wtf thats weird


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## Celestefey (Dec 5, 2015)

Well, on a general perspective, I don't think that either male or female should be expected to pay for a date... Like unless one partner actively says "Hey, I don't mind paying for today's meal" or whatever, but it's not something that should be EXPECTED of a certain gender. And I mean I would happily pay half and half on a date, that's what me and my friends do, and even I wouldn't mind paying for it all, despite the fact I am female. x3 But either way... It was your birthday, and it seems a little unfair for your boyfriend to expect you to pay for your own birthday meal. :\


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## epona (Dec 5, 2015)

as far as i'm concerned, equality doesn't mean chivalry and tradition has to go out the window and any lame jerk bandwagoning on feminism to get out of paying for a date isn't worth my time anyway

if the guy asks me on a date i'd kind of expect him to pay, especially if it's a first date
when you're actually in a relationship it's different, i'd almost always offer to pay my own way but still accept him paying a lot of the time


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## Isabella (Dec 5, 2015)

if they asked you out it'd be kind of rude for them to expect you to pay imo..
but listen, this is your boyfriend we're talking about. you gotta communicate these things and come up with a consensus on who pays what and when. this is just generally speaking in other situations. but you do have a right to be upset that it was on your birthday. you should def talk about it next time it comes up though.


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## Ghost Soda (Dec 5, 2015)

Whoever arranged the date should be the one to pay, imo. Female, male or whatever. The idea that guys should always be the one paying is stupid asf anyway.


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## Aerious (Dec 5, 2015)

a guy paid $200 to go out and buy a quesadilla for me from moes once am i a god?


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## Trent the Paladin (Dec 5, 2015)

Aerious said:


> a guy paid $200 to go out and buy a quesadilla for me from moes once am i a god?








Anything like that for guys I'd appreciate half a paycheck and a quesadilla.


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## King Dorado (Dec 5, 2015)

yeah, but its not just paying for the date, she said he didn't even wish her Happy Birthday.

whether male or female, imo life is too short to date somebody that doesnt make you feel special on special days...


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## Aerious (Dec 5, 2015)

Tom said:


> Anything like that for guys I'd appreciate half a paycheck and a quesadilla.


tom i'd give you like $2 and a half eaten quesadilla


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## Trent the Paladin (Dec 5, 2015)

King Dad said:


> yeah, but its not just paying for the date, she said he didn't even wish her Happy Birthday.
> 
> whether male or female, imo life is too short to date somebody that doesnt make you feel special on special days...


Of course! I usually treat my friends on their birthdays and they do the same with me. Don't expect it if they can't fork up the money. But yeah, it's definitely clear the guy didn't have his priorities right.



Aerious said:


> tom i'd give you like $2 and a half eaten quesadilla



 ?\_(ツ)_/? It's something, plus I'd get to hang out with a god so that's cool.


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## Aerious (Dec 5, 2015)

Tom said:


> ?\_(ツ)_/? It's something, plus I'd get to hang out with a god so that's cool.


since u are a top target security guard u can protect me


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## Kissyme100 (Dec 16, 2015)

We ended up talking and things are fine now. We're going to give each other Christmas presents this year, I'll let you guys know how it goes.


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## That Zephyr Guy (Dec 16, 2015)

A guy should pay on the date if both people think it's what should happen at that specific date.


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## King Dorado (Dec 16, 2015)

Kissyme100 said:


> We ended up talking and things are fine now. We're going to give each other Christmas presents this year, I'll let you guys know how it goes.



ah what happened? you can't leave us hanging--  (well you can if you prefer, lol)


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## Luxsama (Dec 16, 2015)

me and my bf take turns in paying


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## Javocado (Dec 16, 2015)

I always feel obligated to pay, but if the gal wants to pay, she can go right ahead. I just find it in my nature to pay for everything. Hell even when I'm out with one of my dudes, I'll offer to pay for his sushi or whatever we're doing.


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## Shimmer (Dec 16, 2015)

I don't think the guy has to pay for the date unless he volunteers. Nobody should assume the other is paying without asking them first. That'll lead to some awkward issues later. 
I personally think that that should be discussed ahead of time.


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## mogyay (Dec 16, 2015)

i personally always pay for my own half in dates, even if they offer i feel too awkward accepting. however, if it's my birthday i'd expect them to pay (just like i'd pay when it's their birthday) but i'm glad you sorted things out, maybe there was a reason he didn't pay


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## Manah (Dec 16, 2015)

The one who invites the other should pay, guy or not. Or talk about it before anyone makes assumptions.


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## Soot Sprite (Dec 16, 2015)

I never expect a guy to pay for my stuff. I mean it's super nice if he does, but I don't come to expect it no matter how long we've been dating. But, I'll admit it would be nice to have been treated on your birthday.


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## TheGreatBrain (Dec 16, 2015)

When I ask a guy out, I pay. Sometimes they let me, and sometimes they insist on paying.

When I first started dating my husband, he would want to go out a lot. I couldn't afford to go out so much. He knew this, and would usually pay. I did however pay a few times when I had extra cash. 

 One time he wanted to go play bingo. I told him I would share any money I won. I won 300 bucks. I gave him half. He was so happy. LOL. He said it was the first date where he actually made money.


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## KaydeeKrunk (Dec 17, 2015)

The fact that you started it as HE took YOU out, then yeah, he should have paid or else he's not taking you out. If he is just "going with you" then yeah, but that's different stuff all together. I think you should be pissed especially because it was for your birthday? Like what even, that's an awful "date". :/


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## Kissyme100 (Dec 18, 2015)

Well, he early Christmas gift to me wasn't too bad. He got me a generic travel mug since I drink a lot of tea.... but I already have a bunch of them already! XD Not his fault at all. I don't want to sound snobby or anything but I was kind of expecting more. He kind of built the hype up a bit before giving it to me...oh well. It's the thought that counts. 

 I got him a Nintendo NFC reader so he can finally get some amiibos he wanted for smash 3ds. I was going to get him a Mew Two amiibo too but that would of went over our price limit for each other. 

- - - Post Merge - - -



KaydeeKrunk said:


> The fact that you started it as HE took YOU out, then yeah, he should have paid or else he's not taking you out. If he is just "going with you" then yeah, but that's different stuff all together. I think you should be pissed especially because it was for your birthday? Like what even, that's an awful "date". :/



Yeah, he didn't pay, when I went to the washroom before the movie he went ahead without me and then he didn't wish me a happy birthday.
Things seem to be going down hill for the both of us. I'll admit I'm not perfect and there was probably some things I should of done differently in our relationship. I'll probably give until new years to decide if I should make it or break it. :/


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## Munna (Dec 18, 2015)

1) It's your birthday

2) He asked YOU out...what's going on here? 
Even if a female friend of yours says: "hey I'm taking you out for your birthday" it's a slap in the face when they turn around and expect you to pay suddenly.

3) A little bit of tradition & gentlemanly behavior goes a long way. If you haven't been going out that long it's too early to expect you to go dutch, he should be doing it if he's the one who asked you out.....

4) You have every right to be upset.


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## RainbowCherry (Dec 18, 2015)

I'm assuming this is a common opinion, but whoever invites the other should pay, unless it's a special event, such as your birthday, of course.


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## tae (Dec 18, 2015)

now i know everyone wants to be treated on their birthday, so i understand that aspect of this.

but i don't think men are always entitled to pay for you. 
if he offered his treat and such for your birthday i understand that, but i think it's a little unfair to assume all men should pay for you women all the time.


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## Munna (Dec 18, 2015)

Kissyme100 said:


> Well, he early Christmas gift to me wasn't too bad. He got me a generic travel mug since I drink a lot of tea.... but I already have a bunch of them already! XD Not his fault at all. I don't want to sound snobby or anything but I was kind of expecting more. He kind of built the hype up a bit before giving it to me...oh well. It's the thought that counts.
> 
> I got him a Nintendo NFC reader so he can finally get some amiibos he wanted for smash 3ds. I was going to get him a Mew Two amiibo too but that would of went over our price limit for each other.
> 
> ...



Based on this & how disappointing he sounds...break it off... 

One of the life lessons I learned is I wasted too much time worrying about "being snobby". I have always been the "nice girl" and I stuck with guys that weren't really what I wanted.

Life is much more than just a black & white binary.

It's not like the way my teenage mind thought... that basically it was this:

*a)* you're a shallow goldigger/spoilt princess type

*b)* you're an intelligent, shy, thoughtful bookworm, who would never care about shallow things like looks or money...
(ironically that is intellectually/morally narcissistic ...trying to "holier than thou".......is as bad as being "shallow")

(o.k. even my teenage self wasn't THAT simplistic (actually I was rather intellectual & considered quite mature & intelligent for my age.)
I'm just trying to remember the sort of binary a more immature version of myself had in their mind.

Noooooo...*life is more than two modes of thinking*!

_There are many other options missing from that equation _(am I sweet/snobby?), and not being one doesn't automatically make you the other:

-If you are NOT a golddigging bimbo, you are not automatically the kind-hearted nerd.

-If you are not the "everything goes" kinda girl, you are not automatically classified as a shallow golddigger (if you are, you are dealing with a twit, or a very young person with no perspective on real life.)

Let me give you an example of *option C:*

*c)* a sweet lady who is thoughtful and kind, but isn't a doormat---a person with STANDARDS, that likes to be taken out on her Birthday!

Do you see how you need to look outside of the judgement you place on yourself, the binary way of thinking & realize you have every right to tell yourself you DESERVE BETTER, and not stick judgemental labels such as "snobby" onto the normal expectations of a person with properly developed self-esteem.

I'm sorry if this rant was a bit much, I just wish I understood this a few years ago, and don't want you to waste your time either.


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## TheGreatBrain (Dec 18, 2015)

taesaek said:


> now i know everyone wants to be treated on their birthday, so i understand that aspect of this.
> 
> but i don't think men are always entitled to pay for you.
> if he offered his treat and such for your birthday i understand that, but i think it's a little unfair to assume all men should pay for you women all the time.



Of course it's unfair for a guy to be expected to pay all the time.  After reading these posts, it seems that most people agree with this. I haven't seen anyone say that men should always pay.


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## King Dorado (Dec 18, 2015)

this guys sounds like a putz to be honest. stop wasting your time.


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## SoftFairie (Dec 18, 2015)

I'm not attracted to guys but I guess if I did date one I wouldn't care who paid honestly ._.


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## Kissyme100 (Dec 20, 2015)

King Dad said:


> this guys sounds like a putz to be honest. stop wasting your time.



Yeah, after thinking about it and discussing it with people I trust IRL... I'm going to break up with him.  It kind of sucks because in my opinion no matter how much of a putz someone is being, there's appropriate times and ways to end it. I don't feel right ending the relationship before or soon after Christmas and I have to do it in person face to face. I plan on ending it as soon as possible after New Years.

- - - Post Merge - - -

I think it's the best for the both of us. While being in a relationship is nice, deep down I've never felt much of a spark. I tried to learn more about him and his interests, spend time together and tried to find a spark but it was never was there. I don't want to be in that kind of relationship and I don't want him in that kind of relationship. I plan on handling it maturely and I hope he acts the same way.

Thanks for all your opinions everyone, it may not seem like much but it did help me. I needed to see that I wasn't just me. I felt like maybe I was being too hard on him and I felt like a b-word. Your opinions made me feel better and see that it wasn't just me. Thank you. I hope you all have a nice day and a safe and happy holidays.


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## Altyran (Dec 21, 2015)

To some extent, I can see both sides. The real question is: Do you split everything normally? Like he pays for him and you pay for you? If that were the case, and you didn't SAY you wanted him to pay, then I think you're wrong.

Actually scratch that. Did you ask him to pay for you, as a special birthday present? I feel like communication is so hugely important, and it's little moments like this where we (all) forget to think about the signals we've sent!

On a different note: I'm curious why it's 'expected' for a guy to pay for his dates stuff at all in a (at least in the USA) world striving for equality? Or why men still seem to think it's their duty... Curious.

Either way, really, since my opinion is completely irrelevant. What do YOU think? Should he pay on dates? Yes? Tell him/ask him. Only sometimes? Tell him that too. If he doesn't agree, there's not a lot you can do, and he's not really 'wrong' just not 'right for you'.

Hopefully you guys can talk it out and you can explain why it bothered you! (And maybe he can explain what he was thinking!)


Edit: 

I'm a tool. I totally missed 7 pages of conversation and was replying to the first post. While my opinion on date paying remains the same. If he isn't going to acknowledge important things, then he can chew a rock.


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## Classygirl (Dec 21, 2015)

I still believe the man should pay, may be outdated but especially a birthday, unless your married but even then not every woman has a career...or can do it all by herself. I think before he took you out if he was in a money bind he should have said so so you could have chosen a traditional family birthday where I am sure they would have paid and saw him after also depends on your situation..But given mine I think he should pay if he can't well we stay in..but we broke up as he was younger than me and very money stressed even if I said I want this I will pay to go but it did become an issue but I can't work and he was purposely slacking so that's different..


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## enchilada (Dec 21, 2015)

whenever he feels like it


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## Darkwind (Dec 21, 2015)

Rule of thumb nowadays is that whomever invited the other person on the date is the one to pay. this is kinda the thing to alleviate the stress on both parties, and is way less sexist? wow guys

that said without communication of this long beforehand it makes no sense to just expect it.
Talk to the person. you are dating them after all, if you cant talk what the heck are you dating for?

Also If its your birthday you shouldn't need to do anything??? its your GOSHDern birthday


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## Altyran (Dec 21, 2015)

Classygirl said:


> I still believe the man should pay, may be outdated but especially a birthday, unless your married but even then not every woman has a career...or can do it all by herself. I think before he took you out if he was in a money bind he should have said so so you could have chosen a traditional family birthday where I am sure they would have paid and saw him after also depends on your situation..But given mine I think he should pay if he can't well we stay in..but we broke up as he was younger than me and very money stressed even if I said I want this I will pay to go but it did become an issue but I can't work and he was purposely slacking so that's different..



I understand that perspective exists, but not all men have careers either. It's this idea that I, working at X job (say walmart) am making more than a girlfriend, that gets me. I'm making the same BASE walmart is willing to pay, as a girl is, and yet somehow I'm expected to pay for her? No, and I'd never date a girl with that outmoded perspective based in fallacy. Even worse, I've met girls who make MORE than I do, who still insist I'm supposed to pay because "men make more," even when they know they make more. Well... I mean what? How does that work? 

The idea originally was because... well an evolution of the working male courting the unworking woman. With the expectation that she wouldn't work, anyway. So if you want to not work, and stay home, take care of the house, and not expect me to 'work at home' then we can talk. However, as long as you're in the workforce, shoulder-to-shoulder, you can pay your half too.

What about being a man makes me more able to 'do it all myself' at the same base price?

Edit: Speeling, herpderp.


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## Classygirl (Dec 21, 2015)

That outdated fallacy stems from the fact that I have a rare genetic disease and cannot even with MA level degrees work in any capacity as I am ill but do still hope that not being able to bring in money doesn't make me less of a smart beautiful and loving person..like I said it's situational I suppose but I'd like to think that my illness isn't a deal breaker on being loved and having a family of my own..ok done but as I said it's situational if you do t know someone's situation whose to judge right off my opinion based on her story you judge me so Yes to communication is key


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## Altyran (Dec 21, 2015)

Classygirl said:


> That outdated fallacy stems from the fact that I have a rare genetic disease and cannot even with MA level degrees work in any capacity as I am ill but do still hope that not being able to bring in money doesn't make me less of a smart beautiful and loving person..like I said it's situational I suppose but I'd like to think that my illness isn't a deal breaker on being loved and having a family of my own..ok done but as I said it's situational if you do t know someone's situation whose to judge right off my opinion based on her story you judge me so Yes to communication is key



I can understand, but from my perspective, if I took someone out who had an illness, or something, and I knew they were making a similar amount (take home, not necessarily before taxes and bills) as I am, I would feel rude by simply expecting they can't afford it. 

I do not think someone who *can't* pay is undesirable necessarily. I will agree with you in a half-way, if one party can't pay, they shouldn't be expected to. In that instance, I'm *not* going to run around spending a ton of money (one because that would make ME feel bad if someone did that to me, and two because I'd rather have fun AND be equal), but rather come up with ideas that don't cost a fortune.

 Dinner and a movie, for example, can run almost $100 depending on where you live, even at 10.50 an hour which isn't great but not bad for an early twenty something to be starting at, that's almost 1/3rd of a paycheck. So I guess for me the question is: Is one date worth roughly 13.333 hours of my time in work alone? No. That doesn't mean the person I want to SEE isn't worth my time, but on a first date, how much am I supposed to put in? 1 hour to get ready (shower, get dressed, and actually go), 2-4 hours actually there (the fun part!), and 13 hours of my work week paying it off? 

Alternatively, a home-cooked meal (which I am excellent at, learned from my father!), a bottle of wine, and a movie at home, costs under $30. That seems more reasonable for 2-5 hours of enjoying someones company.

I will say that I do not like the 'privilege' that some girls express though. I understand the logic behind "If you ask, you pay" but somehow it feels like what they're saying is, really, "You want to spend time with me, you pay for that time." In my mind, if that person doesn't also want to get to know me enough to pay, then it's already not worth my time (or money). 

Again, I'm not saying that if someone can't pay they shouldn't have someone, or deserve things, but how about, just for a second, we consider this:

If you can't pay, we'll stay in. If I can't pay, we'll stay in. Even IF the other COULD pay, unless mutually agreed upon. No social contract nonsense (since we don't all agree on that either! )


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## pika62221 (Dec 22, 2015)

Maybe it's my age, but I always thought a guy ALWAYS paid. Guess times have changed...


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## Capella (Dec 22, 2015)

This is misandrist


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## skout (Dec 22, 2015)

In a relationship/casual dating I always prefer to split 50/50.  I think it's ridiculous to expect guys to pay for everything because it is such an archaic tradition.  After a certain point I think it should be worked out between the people within the relationship to do whatever is most comfortable.  My husband would pay for most things before we got married as he was simply making more money than I was (I was in school and working part time) so it just made more sense until I landed a job that paid better too.  I don't think gender should have any deciding factor in who pays for what, but simply what makes sense financially between you two.  

That being said, nobody should have to pay on their bday ;p


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## gh0st (Dec 22, 2015)

Deak said:


> I'm a guy. I'd feel incredibly awkward if I had my date or gf pay her own way for everything.
> 
> How am I suppose to show that I can and want to take care of her and have money a nonissue for her..that's wild.
> 
> All for equality etc, but this isn't exactly what we were talking about lol.



I like this response. ^^ *nods*


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## okaimii (Dec 22, 2015)

Personally I think anyone who invites someone out, regardless of gender, should pay unless both people are fine/agree with splitting the bill.

He should've paid since he invited you out for your birthday.


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## Altyran (Dec 22, 2015)

pika62221 said:


> Maybe it's my age, but I always thought a guy ALWAYS paid. Guess times have changed...



I can not find the exact quote, but it was on these forums. I swear it was in this thread, maybe it was deleted, or maybe I'm dismembering it from a different thread of a similar vein. 

A female had said, in response to the idea of having to work and split things, "What, I'm supposed to give up the last traditions and privileges of being female?!" to which I could only think "If you have a privilege as a female, and you lambaste men for being 'privileged' then yes, you do." (Also, genders shouldn't have privileges, so you still should.) 

I do realize that this is a common thought, but I do very much think that it originally came about based on the idea that women are less capable, or don't work, or ultimately are going to be a housewife. Everyone comments "To show her you can take her of her" or something to that effect. Well... but why? In today's world, many of us don't have careers (read:salary) and in that environment, it's not nearly as common for women to be paid less. Assuming my girl and I both work (right now) at Walmart, we're getting equal pay. So... if she's working, she can take care of herself. She shouldn't need or WANT me to do that. It's an idea that many women (and men) still hold, but it's an evolutionary social relic and it needs to go.

Edit: Speeling.

I do want to say something, by the way.

Obama got a lot of flack from the intellectual (more researchy side, anyway) side of the internet when he quoted that "Women make $0.77 for every $1 men make." Except that's not really true. 

"The 23-cent gender pay gap is simply the difference between the average earnings of all men and women working full-time. It does not account for differences in occupations, positions, education, job tenure, or hours worked per week. When all these relevant factors are taken into consideration, the wage gap narrows to about five cents. And no one knows if the five cents is a result of discrimination or some other subtle, hard-to-measure difference between male and female workers. In its fact-checking column on the State of the Union, the Washington Post included the president’s mention of the wage gap in its list of dubious claims." 

The same article also points out that men are, typically, more likely to choose higher paying careers, whereas women seem more likely to choose more passionate (but lower paying) careers. This accounts for a good portion of the perceived gap. You need to take life choices, lifestyles, etc, into account as well. Many more women work part time then men, and averaging out their yearly pay seriously hinders a comparison at first glance (it's easily accountable for by looking at per-hour-pay, but most studies don't put headlines that way, and most people don't check sources really).


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## Sholee (Dec 23, 2015)

I think it's fair to split it 50/50 by bill or situations where the guy pays for dinner and I'll pay for whatever we do afterwards.


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## Naekoya (Dec 23, 2015)

Was he the one who planned your birthday? If so I think he should be the one paying for dinner since he is the one who invited you out.. then you guys can either split the movie ticket etc stuff later on the date o~o


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## Kissyme100 (Jan 10, 2016)

Haven't been on the forums for a while. Oops! Anyways, I ended the relationship because of many reasons. I tried my best and it just didn't work out. I got tired of being treated like an acquaintance rather then a girlfriend, especially when he started to try and make me feel bad for his lack of effort in the relationship. Thanks for the support and thank you for giving your opinions on the topic!


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## radical6 (Jan 10, 2016)

Kissyme100 said:


> Haven't been on the forums for a while. Oops! Anyways, I ended the relationship because of many reasons. I tried my best and it just didn't work out. I got tired of being treated like an acquaintance rather then a girlfriend, especially when he started to try and make me feel bad for his lack of effort in the relationship. Thanks for the support and thank you for giving your opinions on the topic!



glad you ended that. he sounded like a **** tbh


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## Bowie (Jan 10, 2016)

I'm pretty content with the idea of the person who asked to go on the date to pay.


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## CommanderLeahShepard (Jan 11, 2016)

Me and my boyfriend usually split the cost, it was our anniversary dinner on Saturday and we split it 50/50. I don't like the idea of the man paying all the time, it seems unfair that he would have to pay seeing that I'm more than capable of paying for my own food myself. I have only had my meal payed for me once, on my birthday last year, and it was because he was adamant, wouldn't drop it and said it was a birthday treat. 

So unless it is for a very special occasion I think it is unfair to have a rule that the man should always pay.


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## QueenOpossum (Jan 12, 2016)

For people who aren't in a relationship or its new -I think whoever does the asking should pay. If that seems unfair (because I know men are expected to do more of the asking, which isn't fair) i think that going dutch should be stated ahead of time. Might be off-putting, but something as simple as "oh wanna go see this movie? yes? ok I will pick up my ticket on tuesday for the 5:30 show" "or wanna get dinner? help me remember to ask the server for split checks"

but i'm an old lady in a 3 year relationship. my boyfriend and i dont keep a score of who paid for what too much. 

but for your birthday? you should not be paying. i went out with the boy and a great friend and they split my entree. and then my other friends bought me a cake and such! it was a great birthday )


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## X2k5a7y (Jan 12, 2016)

I think whoever initiates the hangout/date should pay or at least split. 

Like with my friend I'll buy snacks, and he'll buy "legit" food.  


Glad you ended things. Not because he wouldn't pay or because I have a bad opinion of him, as I don't know him. So, I can't have much of an opinion, but you didn't sound very happy or like you felt safe and secure within the relationship. I hope you find love and happiness within yourself and someone else to share it with ^-^


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## ciara (Jan 12, 2016)

I'd definitely be mad too, who wants to pay for their own birthday celebration (?､?)

plus he was the one who initiated it, and in my book whoever initiated the date should pay for *at least* half of it


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## Kapriznyy (Jan 12, 2016)

@OP (because I'm not sifting through ten pages of this stuff, lol) - This is why it's best to work these things out ahead of time. Some couples split dates down the middle, others alternate ("I pay for this one if you pay for the next one" etc), others just go by whoever has more disposable income at the time. And then there are the traditional arrangements where the guy pays for everything (in straight relationships obviously). It just saves everyone a headache if you discuss it beforehand.


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## Bassy (Jan 12, 2016)

'Should pay' is definitely not the right way to go. Decide in the moment what to do. 

I've dated a girl that preferred to split the bill when it came to it and didn't like it at all when I paid for all of it. -> I can imagine it makes girls feel independant, not attached to the guy they date, free to do what they want and might give a feeling of equality

On the other hand I can totally imagine that some girls find it charming when guys play the traditional gentleman.

Seriously, drop the belief systems and go with the flow. Try to find out what person you're dating and think about what they'd like. I'd always show respect towards the other even if the date would be not so great.


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## Squidward (Jan 12, 2016)

I'm all for both girls and guys paying, not just guys, but on your birthday...


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## Zeiro (Jan 12, 2016)

If it's your birthday, then yeah, I believe he should have paid.


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## Alienfish (Jan 12, 2016)

Eh if it's a birthday date and they want to treat you.. then they should pay ofc. 

Otherwise I don't really care too much unless you have to pay like, 10 times in a row then it's something lol..


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## Osiris (Jan 12, 2016)

If its your birthday and it's a date, yes. If it wasn't your birthday, I'd say he wasn't in the wrong, but c'mon. It's your birthday.


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## Gusmanak (Jan 12, 2016)

DarkDesertFox said:


> For your birthday he should definitely be the one to pay for your dinner and movie. If you guys have been dating awhile and it wasn't a special occasion, then splitting the cost of entertainment for dates is fine.



This^ why should you pay lol it's your day, if its a money issue for him he should have set aside, he obviously knew about your birthday


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