marzipanmermaid
*insert Pikmin noises*
I've been listening to Blue October's 'Amazing' on repeat today.
"Can you pretend I'm amazing? I can pretend I'm amazing. Instead of what we both know." That line is just constantly looping through my head over and over and over.
I'm starting to feel like an inconvenience.
My school is draining my family financially.
I can't drive, I can't get a job, I don't have any money.
I spend a lot of my time at home in my room, crying, or cleaning.
I think my parents resent me; 22 and at home. I'm pathetic.
I'm trying and have nothing to show for it.
I wish my boyfriend would see me more... I know I'm annoying when I ask if we can do something almost every day... We used to do stuff every day, remember? And what happened to Wednesdays? I'd come over, get in your bed, and we'd sleep for a bit and then we'd get up and have a day together... I miss Wednesdays. Now I just wait for my one day a week, any day or couple of hours, that I get to see you. Maybe he's falling out of love with me. I wouldn't blame him. I let myself go this summer; I'm embittered and angry and hurt. I'm constantly crying and pleading; all tears and sex and self-hatred. All regret and guilt and repressed memories about a part of my past that I'm ashamed to admit I have. I put him through a lot this last year or so. I went from functioning teenager to emotionally/mentally crippled twenty something year old that hides behind pixel animals and anime gifs, who's only friends are online, miles away, and in other countries. If he could see in my head, he'd go. He's almost left before and I feel like that it'll happen again. He says things never change with me. I hate myself for thinking this way. Today was full of negativity and I can't even find solace in my relationship anymore because sometimes I feel alone and he's so far away from me. He's frustrated with me. I'm frustrated with myself too.
The obsessing and over-thinking have gotten worse. Sometimes my brain makes up memories and thoughts. I don't even know what's really "mine" anymore. I tried talking to mum about things and apparently I have no reason to be feeling any way because my life is fine. I have no reason to be sad or upset or depressed and I just stop talking. I don't talk a lot it seems. But what's there really left to say in my home? It's never taken seriously. I'm just told I'm being over-dramatic and that there's no basis for any of my feelings. My friends' lives seem so lovely so our chats revolve around them a lot more lately and I hate raining on their parades so when they get around to asking about me, I just smile and say life is swell.
I have this thing where I like to bury my nails into my arms or scalp or shoulders when I'm upset or stressed out. I cut the crap out of the top of my head so I can't wash my hair for a day or two. I have a bruise on my leg that I got from running into my bedroom furniture and I'm resisting agitating it and making it worse like I always do.
I used to not mind the long pauses in conversation with my love. I know he actually has friends. He has things to do. It's not his fault that I don't have much of a social life and that my life has been reduced to household chores, applying for jobs, and coping with the basketcase that has become my head. I know he's just as depressed as I am... But can't we just be sad together? You shut me out and then get mad at me when I don't open up to you...
My cat puked on my carpet. I wish she'd actually sleep in here like she used to instead of just getting sick and leaving. Ughhhhh....
I got Julian today. And I'm moving villagers in/out of different towns so I can reset my holding town. But I'm already getting frustrated. Should've finished a town before picking all these others up.
Reading a book about kids in the UK having to cope with a "zombie" apocalypse where only the adults were infected and turned. It's interesting. Been watching a lot of this old show called Bob and Margaret on Youtube and I've been playing my old favorite app: Tiny Tower. Great time waster and it's addicting.
My dad will be up soon for work and every time he sees me awake, I get yelled at for still being awake, lol.
"Can you pretend I'm amazing? I can pretend I'm amazing. Instead of what we both know." That line is just constantly looping through my head over and over and over.
I'm starting to feel like an inconvenience.
My school is draining my family financially.
I can't drive, I can't get a job, I don't have any money.
I spend a lot of my time at home in my room, crying, or cleaning.
I think my parents resent me; 22 and at home. I'm pathetic.
I'm trying and have nothing to show for it.
I wish my boyfriend would see me more... I know I'm annoying when I ask if we can do something almost every day... We used to do stuff every day, remember? And what happened to Wednesdays? I'd come over, get in your bed, and we'd sleep for a bit and then we'd get up and have a day together... I miss Wednesdays. Now I just wait for my one day a week, any day or couple of hours, that I get to see you. Maybe he's falling out of love with me. I wouldn't blame him. I let myself go this summer; I'm embittered and angry and hurt. I'm constantly crying and pleading; all tears and sex and self-hatred. All regret and guilt and repressed memories about a part of my past that I'm ashamed to admit I have. I put him through a lot this last year or so. I went from functioning teenager to emotionally/mentally crippled twenty something year old that hides behind pixel animals and anime gifs, who's only friends are online, miles away, and in other countries. If he could see in my head, he'd go. He's almost left before and I feel like that it'll happen again. He says things never change with me. I hate myself for thinking this way. Today was full of negativity and I can't even find solace in my relationship anymore because sometimes I feel alone and he's so far away from me. He's frustrated with me. I'm frustrated with myself too.
The obsessing and over-thinking have gotten worse. Sometimes my brain makes up memories and thoughts. I don't even know what's really "mine" anymore. I tried talking to mum about things and apparently I have no reason to be feeling any way because my life is fine. I have no reason to be sad or upset or depressed and I just stop talking. I don't talk a lot it seems. But what's there really left to say in my home? It's never taken seriously. I'm just told I'm being over-dramatic and that there's no basis for any of my feelings. My friends' lives seem so lovely so our chats revolve around them a lot more lately and I hate raining on their parades so when they get around to asking about me, I just smile and say life is swell.
I have this thing where I like to bury my nails into my arms or scalp or shoulders when I'm upset or stressed out. I cut the crap out of the top of my head so I can't wash my hair for a day or two. I have a bruise on my leg that I got from running into my bedroom furniture and I'm resisting agitating it and making it worse like I always do.
I used to not mind the long pauses in conversation with my love. I know he actually has friends. He has things to do. It's not his fault that I don't have much of a social life and that my life has been reduced to household chores, applying for jobs, and coping with the basketcase that has become my head. I know he's just as depressed as I am... But can't we just be sad together? You shut me out and then get mad at me when I don't open up to you...
My cat puked on my carpet. I wish she'd actually sleep in here like she used to instead of just getting sick and leaving. Ughhhhh....
I got Julian today. And I'm moving villagers in/out of different towns so I can reset my holding town. But I'm already getting frustrated. Should've finished a town before picking all these others up.
Reading a book about kids in the UK having to cope with a "zombie" apocalypse where only the adults were infected and turned. It's interesting. Been watching a lot of this old show called Bob and Margaret on Youtube and I've been playing my old favorite app: Tiny Tower. Great time waster and it's addicting.
My dad will be up soon for work and every time he sees me awake, I get yelled at for still being awake, lol.
[video=youtube;vWwz9JTusiw]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWwz9JTusiw[/video]
