Being forced to come out

[nintendofan85]

Well last night, I ended up coming out to my mom as bisexual. I will say that it was something I had already been planning on doing, because she was, at least up until relatively recently, convinced I was straight, and I didn't want to be living a lie to her (nor to my dad, for that matter, but he doesn't know about my sexuality yet). I wanted to just wait a little bit because while I'm out of college now for the summer, I wanted Mother's Day and my parents' wedding anniversary (which is this Friday) to pass before I said anything to her or my father. See, I have very conservative parents whom are very Christian, very conservative, and are Republicans who support Donald Trump, and I just didn't imagine it going well. Both of them, but especially my mother, had a history of homophobic actions and comments.

However, I had to do this earlier than planned because my mom apparently had been reading some emails I had received a month ago. Some were comments on YouTube I believe talking about my sexuality, and others were pictures of Pinterest of attractive guys. Apparently she had been consistently worried about it within the last month, and said it was her plan to confront me about them when my freshman year of college ended.

Her reaction to my bisexuality wasn't all bad, and she seems to accept it for what it is. However, I can tell it does bother her, and she admitted that unless she had seen my emails, she likely wouldn't have been as well-prepared to take the truth as she was. But my thing is, it bothered me that she read emails of mine like that-is it wrong this bothers me? I just felt like she was digging into my personal business that she didn't need to be in. Also, by basically being forced to come out, I didn't get a chance to prepare myself for it or anything.

I'm not too upset with her, but I just wish it could've been a little bit more fair for me, but I guess fate just decided it wouldn't be that way.

 

[Lady Timpani]

Hey, I’m really sorry about the circumstances under which you had to come out. I hope you’re doing okay.

It’s not wrong for you to be upset about her reading your emails, but unfortunately there are a lot of parents who will say “you’re under my roof, I get to do what I want.” How did she have access to your email? It may be time to change the password so something like this doesn’t happen again, if you can. Have she or you said anything to your dad yet?

Sending my thoughts your way.

 

[Hat']

I don't think it's wrong for you at all to feel a bit upset because she read your emails. No one likes to get their intimacy broken into like that. I mean I don't know your age but I don't think you're young enough for your parents to still be looking at your email or history.
This can make someone loose the confidence they had placed on someone trust me.
Also I'm sorry that your coming out had to happen like this but I'm happy that kind of turned out to be good, or at least better tha you expected!
Wishing you the best and take care! (Also the pinterest pics of attractive guys... relatable)

 

[nintendofan85]

Hey, I’m really sorry about the circumstances under which you had to come out. I hope you’re doing okay.

It’s not wrong for you to be upset about her reading your emails, but unfortunately there are a lot of parents who will say “you’re under my roof, I get to do what I want.” How did she have access to your email? It may be time to change the password so something like this doesn’t happen again, if you can. Have she or you said anything to your dad yet?

Sending my thoughts your way.

The truth was, it was an account she and I share. I had just simply created a Pinterest account with it and I wasn't aware Pinterest would start sending emails saying "you might like these pins".

- - - Post Merge - - -

I don't think it's wrong for you at all to feel a bit upset because she read your emails. No one likes to get their intimacy broken into like that. I mean I don't know your age but I don't think you're young enough for your parents to still be looking at your email or history.
This can make someone loose the confidence they had placed on someone trust me.
Also I'm sorry that your coming out had to happen like this but I'm happy that kind of turned out to be good, or at least better tha you expected!
Wishing you the best and take care! (Also the pinterest pics of attractive guys... relatable)

I am 19.

 

[Midoriya]

Sorry that you had to come out this way. I will say about the email thing though, that’s not really right and kind of an invasion of privacy. My parents don’t read my emails, the only person who does is me. If I feel like something is important and they need to see it, I usually forward it to them (and usually it’s school-related). Anyway, I hope that things get better and that you can be happy.

 

[nintendofan85]

Sorry that you had to come out this way. I will say about the email thing though, that’s not really right and kind of an invasion of privacy. My parents don’t read my emails, the only person who does is me. If I feel like something is important and they need to see it, I usually forward it to them (and usually it’s school-related). Anyway, I hope that things get better and that you can be happy.

It's just that while she and I shared this account, we did have a pact where she would not read my emails, and clearly she violated this... But I appreciate everything.

 

[Bread Kennedys]

Nintendofan actually came to me and talked about this a few weeks ago and how he planned to come out this summer, but I didn't expect it to be this soon. But with the circumstances the way they are, there's not much you can do, I suppose. It sucks that it had to be like this, but it could be a lot worse, and again, there's not much you can do. I will say though, it is definitely wrong for your parents to be looking through your personal emails and stuff like this. If you know they're willing to do this, then who knows what else they're willing to look through of yours. Anyway, wishing you the best (like I did a few weeks ago) and hoping things get better on your end.

 

[cornimer]

You definitely have a right to be upset. She violated your privacy and the promise you made not to read each other's e-mails. I would be really mad if my mom went through my e-mails - even a parent reading through their under-aged child's e-mails is not right in my opinion because everyone deserves privacy, but a parent reading through their adult child's e-mails is just so unnecessary...

I'm terribly sorry you were forced to come out that way and I hope it works out alright. I also hope your mom respects your privacy more in the future.

 

[xSuperMario64x]

It seems a bit unsettling that your parents had access to your personal stuff. If my parents saw all the things I do on Pinterest it would blow their minds lmao

But seriously, it's good that she took it well. My parents are the same way, but even though my mom tells me she would love me no matter what, I still haven't come out as ace. Idk I guess it just doesn't seem like a big deal to me. But in your situation yeah, it prob would be a big deal, and I'm glad it didn't go horribly wrong or anything.

 

[That Marshal Fangirl]

Wow, that is so screwed up. I'm really sorry this happened when you weren't ready for it. My parents are extremely Christian and homophobic as well, so I can only imagine their reaction if I happened to be anything but straight. The circumstances in this situation were definitely not the best. Whatever happens, please don't let anyone make you feel ashamed about who you are. You have every right to love whatever gender you want to love.

 

[moonbyu]

yikes. it kinda confuses me that even though you told your mother to not check your emails, she goes and checks anyways. i really hope she doesn't do that again. i'm sorry that you were forced to come out like that.

 

[nintendofan85]

It seems a bit unsettling that your parents had access to your personal stuff. If my parents saw all the things I do on Pinterest it would blow their minds lmao

But seriously, it's good that she took it well. My parents are the same way, but even though my mom tells me she would love me no matter what, I still haven't come out as ace. Idk I guess it just doesn't seem like a big deal to me. But in your situation yeah, it prob would be a big deal, and I'm glad it didn't go horribly wrong or anything.

She didn't it take it perfectly, but apparently what she saw in these emails prepared her for finding out her son wasn't straight, according to what she told me anyways.

 

[Bcat]

Sorry it had to happen to you that way instead of on your own terms. It was definitely a privacy violation for her to read your emails and being upset about it is totally normal. Maybe change your password so she can't get in anymore?

At least she's relatively understanding though. We don't always see eye to eye with our parents, but I hope that you can work things out with her and still be able to maintain a relationship with her where she accepts you for who you are.

 

[LadyDestani]

I'm so sorry that things happened that way. I've never had to come out, but I'm sure it would have been better if it was done on your own terms instead of being sprung on you like that. It really wasn't right of your mom to read your emails after promising not to do so, but I've lived with a parent who violated my trust and read my emails when I was about your age, too. Some parents just think that they have the right to do things like that if they have any suspicions or worry about anything. But you're 19 and therefore, technically, legally, an adult. I wouldn't hold it against her too much, but I would suggest taking action to make sure that it can't happen again. Get your own account and password protect anything you think you might not want your parents to see.

I am glad that she took it relatively okay, even if not perfectly well. If she's willing, maybe she can help break the news to your dad. I wish you the best of luck. Whatever your parents' reactions, I hope you know that there are many, many people out there who do not think there's anything wrong with who you are and who you are attracted to. I hope that your parents come around and that you find whatever support you need.

 

[Stella-Io]

Basically what others have said. Yes you share an account but it's not right for her to read YOUR emails even after you two said you won't read each others emails. Y ou have every right to be bothered by it. But I guess in a way, it's a double edge sword, or a catch 22? It prepared her in a way to think differently.

I'm sorry this was forced on you and that you would have liked more time. I'm glad she's able to take it in a little. Hopefully overtime she will realize bi, gay, lesbian, ace, trans, whatever, they are all people and people deserve respect and to be treated like a person, not trash and have slurs and nasty words thrown at them for somethin as everyday as who they are/attracted to.

Off topic, but Idk where I got the idea you are 22. Maybe I'm thinking of someone else.

 

[nintendofan85]

Basically what others have said. Yes you share an account but it's not right for her to read YOUR emails even after you two said you won't read each others emails. Y ou have every right to be bothered by it. But I guess in a way, it's a double edge sword, or a catch 22? It prepared her in a way to think differently.

I'm sorry this was forced on you and that you would have liked more time. I'm glad she's able to take it in a little. Hopefully overtime she will realize bi, gay, lesbian, ace, trans, whatever, they are all people and people deserve respect and to be treated like a person, not trash and have slurs and nasty words thrown at them for somethin as everyday as who they are/attracted to.

Off topic, but Idk where I got the idea you are 22. Maybe I'm thinking of someone else.

I don't remember you ever saying I was 22 LOL.

- - - Post Merge - - -

I'm so sorry that things happened that way. I've never had to come out, but I'm sure it would have been better if it was done on your own terms instead of being sprung on you like that. It really wasn't right of your mom to read your emails after promising not to do so, but I've lived with a parent who violated my trust and read my emails when I was about your age, too. Some parents just think that they have the right to do things like that if they have any suspicions or worry about anything. But you're 19 and therefore, technically, legally, an adult. I wouldn't hold it against her too much, but I would suggest taking action to make sure that it can't happen again. Get your own account and password protect anything you think you might not want your parents to see.

I am glad that she took it relatively okay, even if not perfectly well. If she's willing, maybe she can help break the news to your dad. I wish you the best of luck. Whatever your parents' reactions, I hope you know that there are many, many people out there who do not think there's anything wrong with who you are and who you are attracted to. I hope that your parents come around and that you find whatever support you need.

Yeah, I'm slowly getting over her reading the emails, but I did almost have a panic attack about it since they were personal. It's just that the fact that she found out this way and also that I now have to really make sure she doesn't find anything like this again brings me a lot of stress. It shouldn't have happened and it shouldn't have to be this way.

Anyways, she is supposed to be helping break the news to my father when we tell him (which she said not to do until July because she said it will make him go into a depression, and apparently he thinks that being LGBT would mean he was a bad father), but ideally I was going to tell him and my mom at the same time after Mother's Day and also their wedding anniversary (which is in just two days), but ultimately I had no choice but to tell my mother the truth after she confronted me about these emails.

In order to provide further details, I will say that this conversation between me and her happened in the context of what she considered to be a problem (though I didn't honestly)-my best friend IRL is non-binary and is attracted to men (they were born male), and he goes to the same college I do, which is a Christian school. The values of the school obviously are against LGBT, as you can imagine, although they aren't quite hard-line anti-LGBT like they were in the past. However, my mom was trying to warn me that being around what she called a "homosexual male" (even though that's incorrect since they're non-binary) would make people think I'm gay. So, she told me to keep distant from them, although in the past she even told me to stop being friends with them period. She brought this up after how I mentioned that I honestly haven't been very lucky finding girls to date (I do prefer girls romantically) over the years, and I did have a girl reject me back in 2014 because I had another friend that acted very creepy towards her, so my mom was trying to say that girls would not want to date me because they'd think I'm gay. She had been constantly saying this ever since July or August, around the time I was starting college.

 

[LadyDestani]

Well, I hope you won't distance yourself from your friend based solely on your mom's reasoning. Although it sounds like you've ignored similar advice already. Honestly, I would think that you and your friend would provide great support for each other if you're in a school where you might face anti-LGBT sentiments. And anybody who is worth dating and being in a relationship with will accept who you are and not dismiss you based on assumptions about you or your friends.

 

[nintendofan85]

Well, I hope you won't distance yourself from your friend based solely on your mom's reasoning. Although it sounds like you've ignored similar advice already. Honestly, I would think that you and your friend would provide great support for each other if you're in a school where you might face anti-LGBT sentiments. And anybody who is worth dating and being in a relationship with will accept who you are and not dismiss you based on assumptions about you or your friends.

I completely agree! I do not judge them for being non-binary or attracted to males at all, that would be hypocritical. I would also never consider distancing myself from them based on that.

I also agree with you because anyone who judges someone based on friends is just simply extremely judgmental and shallow.

 

[xSuperMario64x]

She didn't it take it perfectly, but apparently what she saw in these emails prepared her for finding out her son wasn't straight, according to what she told me anyways.

I see :eyes:

Well don't worry too much about what your parents think, it's your life anyways.

 

[Rusolando-Kun]

All I can say is sex is just sex. It's wrong to be obsessed with it and do all the "sexual experiences" and etc.. Sex is a way of connecting to the person you like and as long as you don't go around having sex with everyone and everything - there's no reason for your parents or anyone to judge you. Again, sex and whichever preference you have is not a big deal, as long as it stays "not a big deal". But when you start making a huge problem out of it - that's when it starts to get bad. I'd go as far as to recommend you to not bring this up to your parents because sexuality doesn't matter. It's not a necessity and if anyone tells you otherwise - they're just spoiled and immoral.

What matters is that the person you find is good towards you! : )

I'd also say that it's wrong of her to read your emails. No matter how old you are, reading someone's emails is just bad. My "parents" locked me in a house when I was little and I couldn't talk to anyone or have any friends, all I had was my computer, games, TV and them fighting with each other every other day, they didn't even buy any normal food - just chips and ramen, instant mashed potatoes - all that junk.
Whenever I'd open up about my hobbies or interest, they'd do their best to make me feel bad for it or say "you don't need that, you're just a child". That gave me quite a few psychological problems, so all I want to say is that it's absolutely wrong to read a child's emails, diaries and whatever. I remember when my "mother" read the poems I composed about a girl I liked when I was in 3th or 4th grade... I doubt I'll ever forget the way she grinned and made fun of me...
Danger is always out there and a child can be abducted or harmed even if you're not giving them any privacy or freedom to speak of. That's just how world is... but risking mental health and not allowing any freedom or privacy is wrong. You're not a child now, so luckily, you can make your own choices but don't do that to your children when and if you'll have them.