Rasumii
90% Me|10% Other
Alright, this one was in response to an article I had read called "Six to Eight Black Men". A quick recap would be that the Turkish Santa Clause apparently travels around with six to eight black men, and every time he asked someone it was always six to eight, instead of elves, who were originally slaves but later on just became friends.
I wish Santa was real. Now I'm not sure if it's the 7-year old speaking inside of me or the fact I still hold a grudge over my parents for lying to me, but I want him to be. But what exactly would he be like?
There were many parts of this article that I cracked up about, namely whenever he mentioned the "six to eight black men" that would come that were like the elves we used to believe in, and each time he mentioned it it got even more hysterical, and when he said the Santa "from Turkey will be coming along with six to eight black men. They might put some candy in your shoes, they might stuff you in a sack and take you to Spain, or they might just pretend to kick you." And I thought getting coal was bad, jeez. If you're on the naughty list over in that part of the world, you get kidnapped. What I would imagine, the kids would be put in some sort of disciplinary camp with leaders ranging from six to eight black men on duty. I guess it's just part of the Santa "clause" and what's written there is Christmas Law. Pretty intense laws they have up there in the North Pole.
Now if Santa was real, how would he maintain his image? What I mean is, no one can live forever, so how would this work? Since most people would believe this is a myth, it's not like we could hold auditions to fill his spot. The only logical way I could see this working is selecting the appropriate candidate among the many men of this Earth, taking them up North without their consent and brainwash him and his family to make sure they never remember who he was. Then again, you need more people in on this in order to make it happen so maybe there should be some sort of committee for this? But what happens to those committee members when they die? We would have to make sure the committee has an even number of male and females and they could only engage in inter-work relations, and the next generation will be born into this committee spot. However, now it just seems like we're breeding humans. And for some reason a lazy 17-year old kid is playing the hand of God in this. I guess this is how elves operate in our fictional Christmas tales of old. But it would satisfy the nerd inside me to actual be able to say I'm one-quarter Elvish.
Another option I guess would be to take a kid and make him Santa's apprentice. The problem here is that you don't know if that kid would be naughty or nice. Putting him in disciplinary camp wouldn't work either because sometimes there is that bad seed, and the Santa lineage would be ruined. No risks can be taken here.
Could elves be Santa? Well I don't see why not but the idea does seem a little preposterous. They would know the job better than anyone you bring it, most likely. If you don't allow it, there could be some racial inequalities that would be set afoot here, and then you have the lawyers who could win if sided with the minority because let's be honest, elves are some of the most oppressed peoples in fictional history.
We need some criteria to set for the next Santa, however we decided to tackle the idea of who gets to be the next Santa. If we had some set of rules for Santas to follow, I believe it would look something like this:
Or something like that.
Establishing Santa
I wish Santa was real. Now I'm not sure if it's the 7-year old speaking inside of me or the fact I still hold a grudge over my parents for lying to me, but I want him to be. But what exactly would he be like?
There were many parts of this article that I cracked up about, namely whenever he mentioned the "six to eight black men" that would come that were like the elves we used to believe in, and each time he mentioned it it got even more hysterical, and when he said the Santa "from Turkey will be coming along with six to eight black men. They might put some candy in your shoes, they might stuff you in a sack and take you to Spain, or they might just pretend to kick you." And I thought getting coal was bad, jeez. If you're on the naughty list over in that part of the world, you get kidnapped. What I would imagine, the kids would be put in some sort of disciplinary camp with leaders ranging from six to eight black men on duty. I guess it's just part of the Santa "clause" and what's written there is Christmas Law. Pretty intense laws they have up there in the North Pole.
Now if Santa was real, how would he maintain his image? What I mean is, no one can live forever, so how would this work? Since most people would believe this is a myth, it's not like we could hold auditions to fill his spot. The only logical way I could see this working is selecting the appropriate candidate among the many men of this Earth, taking them up North without their consent and brainwash him and his family to make sure they never remember who he was. Then again, you need more people in on this in order to make it happen so maybe there should be some sort of committee for this? But what happens to those committee members when they die? We would have to make sure the committee has an even number of male and females and they could only engage in inter-work relations, and the next generation will be born into this committee spot. However, now it just seems like we're breeding humans. And for some reason a lazy 17-year old kid is playing the hand of God in this. I guess this is how elves operate in our fictional Christmas tales of old. But it would satisfy the nerd inside me to actual be able to say I'm one-quarter Elvish.
Another option I guess would be to take a kid and make him Santa's apprentice. The problem here is that you don't know if that kid would be naughty or nice. Putting him in disciplinary camp wouldn't work either because sometimes there is that bad seed, and the Santa lineage would be ruined. No risks can be taken here.
Could elves be Santa? Well I don't see why not but the idea does seem a little preposterous. They would know the job better than anyone you bring it, most likely. If you don't allow it, there could be some racial inequalities that would be set afoot here, and then you have the lawyers who could win if sided with the minority because let's be honest, elves are some of the most oppressed peoples in fictional history.
We need some criteria to set for the next Santa, however we decided to tackle the idea of who gets to be the next Santa. If we had some set of rules for Santas to follow, I believe it would look something like this:
The Santa "Clause"
I hereby accept the forthcoming of being instated as the next Santa. By accepting this election, I will abide by the following rules:
1. I confirm that I am not of Elvish descent. Neither my father, or my father's father, or his father and all thereafter have never been any part Elvish. If I am tested and found out to be Elvish, I realize I will be terminated from this leadership position and will receive a restraining order, never allowing me to set foot within the North Pole from this day until the end of my days.
2. I will provide no intelligence to anyone not working under me.
3. I must keep a list of all naughty and nice kids, with each list containing at least 10,000 names to show that I, Santa, have no merciful intentions of allowing naughty kids to slip into the ranks of the nice. As a result of being on the nice list, I will do my best to fulfill every toy that human being deserves. As a result of being on the naughty list, the naughty kids will be kidnapped and put inside a coal mine with nothing other than three sticks of dynamite, a lighter and a woodcutter's axe.
a. After a governmental issue the North Pole had faced, any child in a juvenile detention center is considered naughty and therefore not allowed to receive gift.
4. Anyone over the age of 25 will no longer receive gifts from me. I am very good at what I intend to be doing, but resources are limited.
5. When arriving at a house, I can only enter through the chimney. In the case of a house not containing a chimney, I will climb in through the window at the tallest part of the abode.
a. I will be skinny enough by the time Christmas comes around in order to fulfill this rule.
6. Any and all cookies and milk left out for me to consume will be consumed.
7. Should I happen to decease whilst delivering the items, I understand I have ruined Christmas that year and will most likely end up in Hell.
8. I shall not let my personal sentiments affect the number of gifts a child receives. Should I happen to show bias towards any one child, that child will be immediately put on the naughty list and will recognize it is entirely my fault.
9. There must always be a Mrs. Clause present in order to fulfill the duties if I am unable to perform them myself. If I am unmarried for a full week, I understand the committee will provide a female suitor for me.
10. I must read any and all forms of Christmas Wish Lists that are sent to the workshop. Any letter left unread will result in serious consequences.
If I should fail to follow any of these rules, I fully accept the just consequence of my immediate termination from existence.
I hereby accept the forthcoming of being instated as the next Santa. By accepting this election, I will abide by the following rules:
1. I confirm that I am not of Elvish descent. Neither my father, or my father's father, or his father and all thereafter have never been any part Elvish. If I am tested and found out to be Elvish, I realize I will be terminated from this leadership position and will receive a restraining order, never allowing me to set foot within the North Pole from this day until the end of my days.
2. I will provide no intelligence to anyone not working under me.
3. I must keep a list of all naughty and nice kids, with each list containing at least 10,000 names to show that I, Santa, have no merciful intentions of allowing naughty kids to slip into the ranks of the nice. As a result of being on the nice list, I will do my best to fulfill every toy that human being deserves. As a result of being on the naughty list, the naughty kids will be kidnapped and put inside a coal mine with nothing other than three sticks of dynamite, a lighter and a woodcutter's axe.
a. After a governmental issue the North Pole had faced, any child in a juvenile detention center is considered naughty and therefore not allowed to receive gift.
4. Anyone over the age of 25 will no longer receive gifts from me. I am very good at what I intend to be doing, but resources are limited.
5. When arriving at a house, I can only enter through the chimney. In the case of a house not containing a chimney, I will climb in through the window at the tallest part of the abode.
a. I will be skinny enough by the time Christmas comes around in order to fulfill this rule.
6. Any and all cookies and milk left out for me to consume will be consumed.
7. Should I happen to decease whilst delivering the items, I understand I have ruined Christmas that year and will most likely end up in Hell.
8. I shall not let my personal sentiments affect the number of gifts a child receives. Should I happen to show bias towards any one child, that child will be immediately put on the naughty list and will recognize it is entirely my fault.
9. There must always be a Mrs. Clause present in order to fulfill the duties if I am unable to perform them myself. If I am unmarried for a full week, I understand the committee will provide a female suitor for me.
10. I must read any and all forms of Christmas Wish Lists that are sent to the workshop. Any letter left unread will result in serious consequences.
If I should fail to follow any of these rules, I fully accept the just consequence of my immediate termination from existence.
Signed,
X ___________________________
X ___________________________
Or something like that.
