emi's song writing thread

[ApolloJusticeAC]

hi! i felt like the old one was outdated so here's a new one! i you can spend your time on me, i would like you to critique my songs so they can be a tiny bit better? thanks, i'll leave you with a untitled and unfinshed one so you can "critique this."

Verse 1:
I never wanted you.
I never promised too.
I never could of protected you.
You could of been something strange inside.

But i love you too with all my heart
and with a kid and i got a change of heart
but really something seemed really strange
like a person was stalking me but i brushed it off aside.

Never thought it was strange until my friends
knew it was up. I'll never ever follow again and i hope
to god this didn't end with...

Chorus:
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Why don't you run inside and i hope
to god i didn't find anything with....

Pain!
Pain!
Pain!

 

[Bowie]

Lyrics are pretty hard to critique, 'cause the power of the lyrics is very much dependent on the actual composure of the song, which only the writer knows in their mind.

 

[ApolloJusticeAC]

Lyrics are pretty hard to critique, 'cause the power of the lyrics is very much dependent on the actual composure of the song, which only the writer knows in their mind.

okay, so just come here to read songs i wrote

 

[axo]

The only negative thing I can say about this is that there are a couple grammar mistakes. Otherwise I love it ^^

 

[ApolloJusticeAC]

The only negative thing I can say about this is that there are a couple grammar mistakes. Otherwise I love it ^^

can you please point out the grammar mistakes please! i really have a hard time with grammar.

 

[axo]

can you please point out the grammar mistakes please! i really have a hard time with grammar.

Sure, I just copy and pasted with the mistakes

Verse 1:
I never wanted you.
I never promised too. <- Not sure if this one is too (as in also) or to (as in to promise something)
I never could of protected you. <- Could have or could've
You could of been something strange inside. <- Could have or could've

But i love you too with all my heart
and with a kid and i got a change of heart
but really something seemed really strange
like a person was stalking me but i brushed it off aside.

Never thought it was strange until my friends
knew it was up. I'll never ever follow again and i hope
to god this didn't end with...

Chorus:
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Why don't you run inside and i hope
to god i didn't find anything with....

Pain!
Pain!
Pain!

 

[ApolloJusticeAC]

Sure, I just copy and pasted with the mistakes

Verse 1:
I never wanted you.
I never promised too. <- Not sure if this one is too (as in also) or to (as in to promise something)
I never could of protected you. <- Could have or could've
You could of been something strange inside. <- Could have or could've

But i love you too with all my heart
and with a kid and i got a change of heart
but really something seemed really strange
like a person was stalking me but i brushed it off aside.

Never thought it was strange until my friends
knew it was up. I'll never ever follow again and i hope
to god this didn't end with...

Chorus:
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Why don't you run inside and i hope
to god i didn't find anything with....

Pain!
Pain!
Pain!

Thanks!

 

[ApolloJusticeAC]

-untitled-

verse 1:
i once had a father when he was still alive
he was the biggest star and had the best
wife. with his band he soared
through the world like a rocket

my whole life stopped until the day...

chrous:
once again
22 years from today
we lost a legend and my dad

once again
2 years from today
we lost a legend a friend

my father today

verse 2:
they went downhill my mother went on tour
with her band and her friends
left me alone with my dad's mom
left me alone
left me alone

and my dad's mother was so heartbroken
dad died and we have nowhere to hide
i cried and screamed leave me alone

chorus:
once again
22 years from today
we lost a legend and my dad

once again
2 years from today
we lost a legend, a friend

my father

 

[ApolloJusticeAC]

verse 1:
another day lost in my mind
another day lost in my mind
and counting down then days
till the end

looking at her, blushing
am i to obsessed or done with?
honestly i just want to hug her
and let the pain slip through
on me

she reminds of so many lost memories
when the days go fast and 10 months went so by
so fast and can't let go and i can't let go.

chorus:
they say i'm obsessed with her
and i'm losing my mind can't miss a day without her
no can't miss a day anymore.

and i just want to hug her and not
let the pain flow against her no, no more
hating on my life. after it ends i'm sorry

but you could remember that you were
my friend, a friend to my stand and i just can't
let go for so long and they say i'm crazy til 16

it's over, it's over.
i'm basically dead in seconds while losing my mind
and no i can't lose you lemme die instead of November.
in that bathtub were i saw you in my dream, parents yelling
getting so sad and now...

i just want to get home

 

[ApolloJusticeAC]

track list:
1. Talk/Walk
2. These Years
3. GONE
4. fallfallfall interlude
5. fallfallfall
6. Ella/Layla (vent for action)
7. Lana (You Know.)
8. Souls X3
9. 21st Century
10. Wronged
11. Convicts Of Your Nightmares
12. I'm Here Losing You.
13. The Backsalt Rubs My Angels (hidden track buddy)

 

[Xerolin]

//heavy breathing
These are good, no critique I can give, as I suck at critique

 

[ApolloJusticeAC]

//heavy breathing
These are good, no critique I can give, as I suck at critique

finally somebodys responds lel
still working on you're song tho

 

[ApolloJusticeAC]

//heavy breathing
These are good, no critique I can give, as I suck at critique

finally somebodys responds lel
still working on you're song tho


Talk/Walk
IV - 1

verse 1:
The way you move.
The way you talk.
make me strange.

It will happen again.
Again like i burned
with you. And you'll be
my friend.

Yorke can't die.
New like our castle was,
And I swear it will never happen
again.

Chorus:
When you Talk/Walk you make me
feel so disranged that it hurts. When you
Walk/Talk, i swear to god you'll be so
happy.

Walk with me again x3
(Talk with me again) x3

Verse 2:
The torture never ends.
Like the way you cry every single day.
Sense the anger inside
and never run away.

Any you'll teach me how to dance.
Like how the stump did. Patrick will
now dance.

CHORUS

Bridge:
Yeaahhh!
Yeaahhh!
Yeaahhh!
You'll teach me how to dance.

Dance!
Dance!
Dance!
Dance!

You'll teach me how to dance.

 

[ApolloJusticeAC]

can't let go

verse1:
somebody's watching
somebody's cold
in dark she watched as her
lover turned to gold

she cried in the distance
i wish i could of been there to save her
and not let turn into dust.

(oh no, yeah, oh no.)

chorus:
stuck in the 18 hour parking lot
waiting to save her, she's dying
in the cold. jumped off the courage
tower.

18 years was she and she was a
golden girl, never met her dad
as i was her's.

verse2:
she stood in the river
the river of dreams somebody
watched her as she glanced at the screen
pointed to water and nobody came.

(oh no. oh no.)

3 hours later she was left alone
wish i saved her. i just can't let go.

chorus

bridge (instrumental bridge)

 

[namiieco]

finally somebodys responds lel
still working on you're song tho

I don't mean to be that annoying person who patrols comments looking for grammar mistakes but
you're is short for 'you are' so in your case you would just say 'your'.

 

[ApolloJusticeAC]

I don't mean to be that annoying person who patrols comments looking for grammar mistakes but
you're is short for 'you are' so in your case you would just say 'your'.

thanks ughhhh

 

[ApolloJusticeAC]

Things Don’t Ever Get Better. /B-SIDE: Dance, Dance

Verse 1:
While you’re not getting bullied at
this hall of memories and instead getting
yelled at by the person who created you.

I’m useless, you say while bleeding
from the cut on your arm. It’s bleeding out.

You fall down aching from the floor
getting kicked at the stomach by the ones
who did this. You just can’t wait to get home
and start crying on the bed where you were born.

Sadness, it is?

Chorus:
Sadness and anger, doesn’t that give you nightmares?
(Oh no, let’s go!)
Pills and bottles. Doesn’t that give you nightmares?
(Oh no, let’s go!)
Sex and booze. Doesn’t that give you nightmares?
(Oh no, let’s go!)

Gimme blood, Gimme blood. Why don’t you give me
these cuts while you're at it? Gimme drugs, Gimme drugs.
Why don’t you give me violence?

Verse 2:
And they still bully me to death, what do they not understand?
Punch them in the face, still get them back. It’s so ridiculous.
My friends, support me best. I guess daddy doesn’t think
i’m angry and sick in my bedroom.

Show them the pics of my body. I guess they say i’m a
tragedy. The one who was mistakened for the so
called perfect child. Mommy never wanted me
and i was left behind. I guess i’m not special as them.

Friend keep me going. Never want to die.
Never want to die. Well now i guess i want to die.

Chorus:
Sadness and anger, doesn’t that give you nightmares?
(Oh no, let’s go!)
Pills and bottles, sex and booze. Doesn’t that give you nightmares?
(Oh no, let’s go!)
The crowd goes wild! The crowd goes wild!
(Oh no, let’s go!)

Gimme blood, Gimme blood. Why don’t you give me
these cuts while you're at it? Gimme money, Gimme money.
Why don’t you give me violence?

Bridge:
(instrumental bridge)

Chorus:
Sadness and anger, doesn’t that give you nightmares?
(Oh no, let’s go!)
Pills and bottles. Doesn’t that give you nightmares?
(Oh no, let’s go!)
Sex and booze. Doesn’t that give you nightmares?
(Oh no, let’s go!)

Gimme blood, Gimme blood. Why don’t you give me
these cuts while you're at it? Gimme drugs, Gimme drugs. (Gimme money, Gimme money.)
Why don’t you give me violence?