I wrote this for my camp news paper. I'm bored out of my skull, so I decided to share it with you guys. So enjoy 
How to survive an intense war between leprechauns and unicorns
By: That one really cool kid (that's my pseudonym for the paper)
Step one: Join the leprechauns. You may think it?s a bad decision, but trust me; it?ll be worth it. But you can?t just waltz in and expect to be welcomed with open arms. You need to come in with a weapon (I recommend a radio blasting polka music, as polka is a unicorn?s least favorite type of music) when the leprechauns are losing a battle. Some unicorns will fall down to the ground in defeat, giving the leprechauns time to finish those off, and others will run away. Either way, you?ve saved their lives and they?ll be forever grateful. Leprechauns are very giving when in the right mood, and will most likely let you take any position you want in the war effort.
Step two: Choose to be a guard. Not of the money, that would be too obvious. Guard the food supply, as they are always near each other, no matter what leprechaun base you?re at.
Step three: Guard the food and act like a normal leprechaun. Make sure to become friends with the money guard, this is a key step. Continue this process for a month.
Step four: Pay a few of the leprechaun children to sneak into the money vault. Make sure to tell them not to take anything, just play in the room. This will convince the money guard he is failing at his job. If he can?t stop a few little kids, how will he stop a unicorn raid, or just a plain ol? thief? Suggest that he just needs to get into shape, and that you?ll help him because you?re such a good friend.
Step five: Make him do intense workouts. Wear him out, and make sure he works out all day and all night. Don?t do the works out with him, or if you must, just make sure you do less than him. 3-5 days of this should be enough.
Step six: At night, tell him he?s done enough training, and should return to his job. He will go to the door in front of the room that has all the money to guard it. If you followed my instructions, you should be the food supply guard, or something else near the money room and its guard.
Step seven: Keep doing your job as food supply guard until you see the guard fall asleep. To make sure he?s really out of it, pinch his left elbow really hard. If he doesn?t wake up, proceed to step eight. If he wakes up, tell him you were trying to wake him up so he could keep doing his job and not get fired if the head honcho came up for a surprise inspection. Try again tomorrow night.
Step eight: Now that the guard is guaranteed not to wake up, go into the money room with some bags. I recommend going to the food supply room and emptying some of the bags containing food, that way if you?re caught, you can tell them you?re moving food because you saw roaches or something in the room. Any way, once you have your bags, go to the money room and load up on as much money as you can. Preferably bills, as coins make noise. Plus, bills are easier to compact, and you?ll be able to get more of them.
Step nine: Once you?ve gotten all that money, go inside the food supply room. Take a good amount of food. The leprechauns are good at storing it, but bad at growing it (they only get it from raids on the unicorns. You?ll be thankful for this later), so they?ll have a lot. Take enough so you and five others can live off it for two weeks.
Step ten: Once again, go to the money room. You should see a door in the back of the room. Go through it.
Step eleven: Now you should be ten miles away from the unicorn?s main base. Travel there by foot, and use the food you brought wisely. Just make sure you have a sizable amount left when you arrive at the unicorn base.
Step twelve: Once you arrive there, sing the unicorn national anthem to the guards. All you need to sing is ?always, I wanna be with you, and make believe with you, and live in harmony, harmony, oh yeah.? Only unicorns are allowed to learn this song, so they?ll be impressed. Tell them you want to talk to the king. They?ll lead you to him.
Step thirteen: Show the king all you?ve brought, and tell him it is for him and all of his people. Also tell him you know a lot of secrets about the leprechauns that would be good to use against them (after all, you were trying to find their weaknesses, right? I didn?t have to tell you that, did I?). BUT, tell them you know this because your uncle was a leprechaun supporter. You don?t want to look like you know too much, or they?ll think you?re a spy.
Step fourteen: Find the head of the military, and tell him the secrets you know. Work together, and destroy the leprechauns. You guys will work together so well, every leprechaun should be dead within the span of six months. (Remember, do make sure they?re all dead, or an uprising could start).
Step fifteen: CONGRATS! You survived an intense war between leprechauns and unicorns. You must be feeling pretty spiffy. Now you can kick back, relax, AND you?ll be known forever as the guy who helped us win in the unicorn kingdom, and they?ll love you forever and grant any of your wishes.
By: That one really cool kid (that's my pseudonym for the paper)
Step one: Join the leprechauns. You may think it?s a bad decision, but trust me; it?ll be worth it. But you can?t just waltz in and expect to be welcomed with open arms. You need to come in with a weapon (I recommend a radio blasting polka music, as polka is a unicorn?s least favorite type of music) when the leprechauns are losing a battle. Some unicorns will fall down to the ground in defeat, giving the leprechauns time to finish those off, and others will run away. Either way, you?ve saved their lives and they?ll be forever grateful. Leprechauns are very giving when in the right mood, and will most likely let you take any position you want in the war effort.
Step two: Choose to be a guard. Not of the money, that would be too obvious. Guard the food supply, as they are always near each other, no matter what leprechaun base you?re at.
Step three: Guard the food and act like a normal leprechaun. Make sure to become friends with the money guard, this is a key step. Continue this process for a month.
Step four: Pay a few of the leprechaun children to sneak into the money vault. Make sure to tell them not to take anything, just play in the room. This will convince the money guard he is failing at his job. If he can?t stop a few little kids, how will he stop a unicorn raid, or just a plain ol? thief? Suggest that he just needs to get into shape, and that you?ll help him because you?re such a good friend.
Step five: Make him do intense workouts. Wear him out, and make sure he works out all day and all night. Don?t do the works out with him, or if you must, just make sure you do less than him. 3-5 days of this should be enough.
Step six: At night, tell him he?s done enough training, and should return to his job. He will go to the door in front of the room that has all the money to guard it. If you followed my instructions, you should be the food supply guard, or something else near the money room and its guard.
Step seven: Keep doing your job as food supply guard until you see the guard fall asleep. To make sure he?s really out of it, pinch his left elbow really hard. If he doesn?t wake up, proceed to step eight. If he wakes up, tell him you were trying to wake him up so he could keep doing his job and not get fired if the head honcho came up for a surprise inspection. Try again tomorrow night.
Step eight: Now that the guard is guaranteed not to wake up, go into the money room with some bags. I recommend going to the food supply room and emptying some of the bags containing food, that way if you?re caught, you can tell them you?re moving food because you saw roaches or something in the room. Any way, once you have your bags, go to the money room and load up on as much money as you can. Preferably bills, as coins make noise. Plus, bills are easier to compact, and you?ll be able to get more of them.
Step nine: Once you?ve gotten all that money, go inside the food supply room. Take a good amount of food. The leprechauns are good at storing it, but bad at growing it (they only get it from raids on the unicorns. You?ll be thankful for this later), so they?ll have a lot. Take enough so you and five others can live off it for two weeks.
Step ten: Once again, go to the money room. You should see a door in the back of the room. Go through it.
Step eleven: Now you should be ten miles away from the unicorn?s main base. Travel there by foot, and use the food you brought wisely. Just make sure you have a sizable amount left when you arrive at the unicorn base.
Step twelve: Once you arrive there, sing the unicorn national anthem to the guards. All you need to sing is ?always, I wanna be with you, and make believe with you, and live in harmony, harmony, oh yeah.? Only unicorns are allowed to learn this song, so they?ll be impressed. Tell them you want to talk to the king. They?ll lead you to him.
Step thirteen: Show the king all you?ve brought, and tell him it is for him and all of his people. Also tell him you know a lot of secrets about the leprechauns that would be good to use against them (after all, you were trying to find their weaknesses, right? I didn?t have to tell you that, did I?). BUT, tell them you know this because your uncle was a leprechaun supporter. You don?t want to look like you know too much, or they?ll think you?re a spy.
Step fourteen: Find the head of the military, and tell him the secrets you know. Work together, and destroy the leprechauns. You guys will work together so well, every leprechaun should be dead within the span of six months. (Remember, do make sure they?re all dead, or an uprising could start).
Step fifteen: CONGRATS! You survived an intense war between leprechauns and unicorns. You must be feeling pretty spiffy. Now you can kick back, relax, AND you?ll be known forever as the guy who helped us win in the unicorn kingdom, and they?ll love you forever and grant any of your wishes.
