Mephisto Pheles
Head of True Cross Acad.
I'm not even joking - I really am despicable.
My mouth was causing me a lot of pain earlier tonight, and being the whiny little piece of crap I am, I complained and complained about how much it hurt.
But whose fault is that? Mine.
It's my fault I neglected my dental hygiene growing up - and often still do.
I know full well how bad it is to put it off, but I always talk myself into thinking it's okay to skip it - "just for today" - because I'm "too sleepy" or "too depressed" or whatever.
And then what happens? Pain happens. Because I'm an idiot. A lazy idiot that refuses to learn.
And then there's all this trash lying about my room - on the bed, on the desk, on the floor.. empty bottles, candy wrappers, tissues, etc. It's a pig sty.
But whose trash is it? Yep - mine.
All this trash is a pain, but do I clean it up? Noooooo. I do the same thing I do when it comes to my teeth - find some lousy excuse not to do it, and tell myself "I'll do it tomorrow or something" to make myself feel better for not doing it today.
But that's not even the worst part. No.. Poor hygiene aside, I have a bigger problem: Education and just plain cowardice.
See, when I was about 9 years old and was starting the 4th grade, I had no friends. And being a very shy kid, that scared me - I was too afraid to make friends with my new classmates, because they all seemed so much more "mature" than me..
There I was, the shortest kid in class, still dressing like a first grader, still carrying around my brightly colored lunch boxes filled with Cheetos, Reese's and a ham sandwich that my Mom cut into the shape of a little chick.
I stood out like a sore thumb and I hated it. I just wanted to leave and do "homeschool" like my old friend from kindergarten started doing, so I wouldn't have to deal with all these giant "grown-ups in kid bodies".
And you know what? I got my wish.
I mentioned it to my Mom one day, and she enthusiastically took me out of public school and started me on a homeschool curriculum. Hooray!
...Or not.
Fast forward around a year or so later, I started getting frustrated with my schoolwork because things weren't making sense, and when I'd tell my Mom that I didn't understand, I was accused of "not trying".
So what did I do?
I stopped trying. I'd make up excuses whenever my Mom came to me and asked if I was ready to do my homework. "Not right now - I'll do it later", "I can't, I don't feel good", "I'm too sleepy, I'll do it tomorrow".
Eventually, my Mom stopped trying, too. She stopped coming to me and asking me if I was ready, because she knew I'd just make excuses.
But I was a stupid little brat, and I just shrugged it off. I figured that I'd get in trouble for it eventually, and I'd just catch up then.
She never came back for me, though. Never. And the amount of trouble I was in didn't really hit me until I was about 14-15 years old, when I started trying to make friends online.. Everything was "school this" and "school that" - I couldn't understand a word anyone was saying, even though they were all in my age group.
I was the odd one out again, and I hated it, so I finally went to my parents and brought up the subject. I was in tears as I told them how alien I felt around kids my own age.. and how stupid I was in comparison. I just wanted to be a normal kid again.
And with a pat on the back, my parents told me not to worry - that they'd figure something out so I could get back into school. And so I waited.
And waited.
And waited.... But nothing ever seemed to change.
I'd bring it up now and then - asking them "So.. what're we going to do about my school stuff?". Which was always met with the same line; "Don't worry - we'll figure something out eventually".
But "eventually" never came.
So here I am, 22 years old with the education of a 5th grader. I can't drive, I still live off of my Dad's paycheck, and my shyness has grown into a full blown phobia of people, resulting in me avoiding them for most of my life. Haven't had any "friends" in forever. And a love life? HA. It never existed. Who could love me, anyway?
TL;DR: I'm a filthy, uneducated coward who should probably just crawl into a ditch and die.
My mouth was causing me a lot of pain earlier tonight, and being the whiny little piece of crap I am, I complained and complained about how much it hurt.
But whose fault is that? Mine.
It's my fault I neglected my dental hygiene growing up - and often still do.
I know full well how bad it is to put it off, but I always talk myself into thinking it's okay to skip it - "just for today" - because I'm "too sleepy" or "too depressed" or whatever.
And then what happens? Pain happens. Because I'm an idiot. A lazy idiot that refuses to learn.
And then there's all this trash lying about my room - on the bed, on the desk, on the floor.. empty bottles, candy wrappers, tissues, etc. It's a pig sty.
But whose trash is it? Yep - mine.
All this trash is a pain, but do I clean it up? Noooooo. I do the same thing I do when it comes to my teeth - find some lousy excuse not to do it, and tell myself "I'll do it tomorrow or something" to make myself feel better for not doing it today.
But that's not even the worst part. No.. Poor hygiene aside, I have a bigger problem: Education and just plain cowardice.
See, when I was about 9 years old and was starting the 4th grade, I had no friends. And being a very shy kid, that scared me - I was too afraid to make friends with my new classmates, because they all seemed so much more "mature" than me..
There I was, the shortest kid in class, still dressing like a first grader, still carrying around my brightly colored lunch boxes filled with Cheetos, Reese's and a ham sandwich that my Mom cut into the shape of a little chick.
I stood out like a sore thumb and I hated it. I just wanted to leave and do "homeschool" like my old friend from kindergarten started doing, so I wouldn't have to deal with all these giant "grown-ups in kid bodies".
And you know what? I got my wish.
I mentioned it to my Mom one day, and she enthusiastically took me out of public school and started me on a homeschool curriculum. Hooray!
...Or not.
Fast forward around a year or so later, I started getting frustrated with my schoolwork because things weren't making sense, and when I'd tell my Mom that I didn't understand, I was accused of "not trying".
So what did I do?
I stopped trying. I'd make up excuses whenever my Mom came to me and asked if I was ready to do my homework. "Not right now - I'll do it later", "I can't, I don't feel good", "I'm too sleepy, I'll do it tomorrow".
Eventually, my Mom stopped trying, too. She stopped coming to me and asking me if I was ready, because she knew I'd just make excuses.
But I was a stupid little brat, and I just shrugged it off. I figured that I'd get in trouble for it eventually, and I'd just catch up then.
She never came back for me, though. Never. And the amount of trouble I was in didn't really hit me until I was about 14-15 years old, when I started trying to make friends online.. Everything was "school this" and "school that" - I couldn't understand a word anyone was saying, even though they were all in my age group.
I was the odd one out again, and I hated it, so I finally went to my parents and brought up the subject. I was in tears as I told them how alien I felt around kids my own age.. and how stupid I was in comparison. I just wanted to be a normal kid again.
And with a pat on the back, my parents told me not to worry - that they'd figure something out so I could get back into school. And so I waited.
And waited.
And waited.... But nothing ever seemed to change.
I'd bring it up now and then - asking them "So.. what're we going to do about my school stuff?". Which was always met with the same line; "Don't worry - we'll figure something out eventually".
But "eventually" never came.
So here I am, 22 years old with the education of a 5th grader. I can't drive, I still live off of my Dad's paycheck, and my shyness has grown into a full blown phobia of people, resulting in me avoiding them for most of my life. Haven't had any "friends" in forever. And a love life? HA. It never existed. Who could love me, anyway?
TL;DR: I'm a filthy, uneducated coward who should probably just crawl into a ditch and die.
Still dissatisfied with myself and life in general, but I'm over the whole "crawl into the ditch and die" thing.
