Mystery Time: A Story

[BellGreen]

Chapter One: The Beginning PART ONE

Time travel. A worthy subject to the kids who love sci-fi.

For me, I am a dictionary when it comes to science fiction. Aliens, time travel, apocalypses, end of the world.....

However, none of these came to life.

But there was a day.

A day where everything and anything changed.

April 24, 2012. 10:34am

Here I am. An Adrian Warner trying to skip class. No, I am not a slacker. Yes, I have friends. It was the time of day where you want to play outside: sunny day with no chance of rain.

Mrs. Hartman is one of those teachers. The ones where they care about giving out a million pages of homework everyday. AND they don't correct or check it either.

At the cafeteria, they expect us to eat spaghetti with too much cheese and milk that wrinkles.

It doesn't take a detective to find out that our school.....

Stinks.
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How did you like the first chapter? Was it good? Nice and kind criticism is fine. Be aware that this is my first chapter story written in front of an audience, so please take it easy with me. If you want to know why this story started off slow, it was because I wanted to give a background to Adrian. This is part one, after all.

Another chapter will be posted every week, so tune in!

 

[Kaiaa]

I like it but I think you could go a little more in depth with a few things. There are a few grammatical errors but nothing major. In this sentence: "It was the time of day where you want to play outside: sunny day with no chance of rain." You are describing a type of day, not a time of day so I think it would be better if you switched "time" to "type".

Over all its nice but you could make it a bit longer and more in depth so you can really capture your readers attention. Beginnings matter

 

[BellGreen]

I like it but I think you could go a little more in depth with a few things. There are a few grammatical errors but nothing major. In this sentence: "It was the time of day where you want to play outside: sunny day with no chance of rain." You are describing a type of day, not a time of day so I think it would be better if you switched "time" to "type".

Over all its nice but you could make it a bit longer and more in depth so you can really capture your readers attention. Beginnings matter

Thanks for the tips, this was only a first draft anyway :3
Besides, I typed whatever I thought of 0_0
I am posting better chapters onto FictionPress.com.