I have Written this for YEARS(April 2011-October 2013) tell me what you think..... It is an odd story but I want to know what you think so far.
NOTE: I am only 14 so I don't have all the fancy writing techniques down pact, especially commas..... they are awful..... Back to the real matter this story is barely mediocre and I know that, but critiques are requested <3
Gone on the tail
Chapter 1: The Meeting
Crash! A girl with rich brown hair blast’s though the window of a nearby building, right off the fourth floor onto the ground. Her boots hit with a clack echoing around the street. “I am not coming back Pearl!” the girl yelled. Bam! She covered her eyes as a girl with black hair broke through the buildings first story metal door.
“Oh yes you are Katie, you have been gone for 5 years and you expect your older sister not to have me sent after you!” The girl, possibly Pearl, responded. One bystander, a medium sized man with bright orange hair, he was hunkered down in a big coat. Katie noted this, lunging for him, ‘I can get away quicker in that form.’ She thought. BOOM! BOOM! Two explosions of orange and pink smoke. “Huh?” Pearl questioned as 2 cats crawled out of the pile of clothes. One brown with a pink tail and the other orange.
“What the hell.” The orange cat screamed.
“I am as confused as you.” Katie said her tail lashing back and forth with interest. “So who are you?”
“I am Kyo Sohma and you are Katie I recall.” Kyo said looking at the girls.
“Yes I am and this is Pearl, allow me to give a short explanation of our family or those of the Flamecrest family aside from having strange hair, and we transform into the animals of the Zodiac Legend.” Katie said. BOOM! BOOM! Both cats returned to a human from, only naked. Kyo quickly swept up his clothes and Katie did the same each turning around to change. Katie first getting her tank top, shorts, and boots, she quickly smiled as Kyo turned around zipping up his pants.
“We of the Sohma family all turn into the Zodiac animals as well.” Kyo said eyeing the duo suspiciously. “Say Pearl, would you allow me to borrow Katie for a little while?” Kyo smiled.
“I suppose, but Rosie won’t hear of-” Pearl stopped for they had already gone. “I am dead.” Pearl said shaking her head. With a sneeze, she walked off hoping to maintain a human form until she was home. “This day is going to be crazy.” Pearl muttered as her phone rang, simply picking it up. “Yes, Diamond I am on my way.”
Chapter 2: Craziness in the Sohma House
Slam! The door shut behind Kyo and Katie, both panting as they ran into the front room. They had just run from the center of town to a house out in the woods. “See we went for a jog and we brought a lady friend home, hello darling I am Shigure.”
“Watch this.” Kyo said opening his arms, as Katie opened hers for the hug.
“Now wait a moment, Kyo you know you can’t Akit-” Shigure started then two explosions went off and two cats crawled out from under the piles of clothes, “what in the world is going on, Kyo have you done something?” Shigure said almost panicking.
“No, she claims her own families also are Zodiac animal!” Kyo shouted losing his temper.
“Now let’s calm down,” Katie said stepping forward, “we all need to keep our heads as this is shocking to everyone.” She said as they both transformed back. Shigure covered his eyes, peering at Katie changing back into her clothes, Yes, new inspiration! Shigure thought happily.
“Shigure and Kyo would you keep it down, I have a test tomorrow and I am studying.” A boy with a slender figure said walking downstairs. His hair silver and longer on one side sparkled, eyes purple, yet sad looking he was interesting, Katie noted all of this. “Oh we have a guest, hello Madam, I am Yuki.” He said walking forward.
“Ugh, what do you want rat.” Kyo glared.
“Kyo keep your trap shut, not in front of our guest.” Yuki said popping his knuckles.
“Wait you’re the rat!” Katie said an evil glare setting on her face.
“Of course not what would give you that idea?” Yuki scrambled.
“Give it up; her family is part of the zodiac.” Kyo sighed.
“Impossible!” Yuki stepped back, “Only Sohma family is….. unless…..” Yuki shook his head.
Katie took a few steps forward, anger clouded her vision. In less than a second she had Yuki in a vice grip, one wrong move and she would break him, “You caused so much suffering, how would you like to die!”
Shigure jumped into action, patting Katie’s shoulder, “Calm down please we can discuss this, I mean we all did jus-” he got cut off, without losing all grip on Yuki, she threw Shigure over her, her grip on Yuki tightened to the point where he would lose all ability to breath. “Wow you are strong, almost impossibly strong.” Shigure said dizzily getting up, surprisingly nothing was broken in the house or inside him. Katie blinked a few times as the room was silent except for Yuki trying to breath. Then BAM! Katie dropped Yuki and turned her back, blood dripped from her mouth. I’ve pushed it. Katie thought, her power was large but she had a tendency to push herself to a breaking point. Flipping a full grown man and choking a teenager was usually nothing for her. Plip, Plip, Plip, her blood dripped onto the floor, Yuki gasped for air it felt nice to breathe again.
“I am so very sorry.” Katie said turning and bowing.
“It is alright,” Shigure said getting a good look at her. He noticed she was rather short and the blood she was dripping. “Are you alright?” He said worried.
“Yeah, I think so.” Katie said wiping the blood away, but it just kept dripping.
“I should call Hatori.” Shigure said walking away.
“Thank you.” Katie muttered guessing he was a doctor. Kyo just stood there stunned, he had been trying to defeat Yuki for years and this girl walks in and nearly kills him in five seconds.
“Are you I-INSANE!?” Yuki screamed almost breathing normally.
“I am so very sorry.” Katie said bowing again, “My temper got the best of me and I really am sorry. Also if you haven’t realized I am the cat zodiac and umm well you know how the cat and rat get along.” She gave a small smile as Yuki stood back up. Both Kyo and Katie re-explained what had happened today and the curse of the Flamecrest family.
Chapter 3: Medics In
With that Hatori burst in, “Where is she!” Running over to Katie he placed a vial under her mouth collecting a bit of blood. “Why hello Katie, I have heard of you from Shigure I am Hatori Sohma.” He said huffing, obviously he had been running everywhere at the news.
“Hello, I am so sorry to have come all the way down here; I hope it wasn’t a pain.” Katie said brushing her hair out of her face. After a short examination of Katie, he did one on Yuki. No real damage had been caused although he did have deep cuts from where Katie had held him.
“Well this was interesting.” Hatori said standing up, he had calmed down a bit but still he was a little excited. “Now Ms. Kat, how did you cause this, I mean you were able to nearly kill Yuki and almost majorly injure Shigure with a single toss, although I don't understand how you missed all vital points on him.”
“Well, I had Yuki in a vice grip, just because he is the damned rat,” She took a moment to glare at him, “but Shigure tried to calm me down and while I kept Yuki in a grip I threw Shigure over my head and then I had apparently pushed the limit I could go to for today, and well here we are.” “Also since these cuts on Yuki are pretty deep I will show you why and or how I created them.” Katie held up one hand to show her perfectly sharpened nails or as she said they were her claws.Both sets had blood on them.
“Ms. Katie that is rather dangerous.” Hatori said politely, looking right into her eyes. Katie noted how one eye was covered with his long black bangs. Without even thinking Katie brushed his bang behind his ear. Katie got a good long look at his face before he placed his hair back. She knew everything with a glance, his story, the way it happened everything.
“My dear Hatori, I am not just being dangerous, I can read your story with a glance of your face. With a devious smile she stated bluntly, “Please allow me to re-tell your tale, after falling in love with a beautiful woman, your clan leader rejected her love to you, and attempted to hurt you for trying, in which the woman felt it was her fault and you erased her memory accordingly. You face just reads hurt.” Katie said with an impossibly large demonic smile on her face.
“How in the world did you do that Katie?” Kyo asked eyes wide; this girl was everything he never dreamed was possible.
“Easy I look into the soul of the person and decide accordingly how well I see a past person, and or how they will treat me, and I can see his despair in that right eye of yours.” Katie said patting Hatori and Kyo’s backs with a grin. And they all just stood there, everyone scared of what just came into the house.
Chapter 4: Death Do They Part?
Shigure walked in and he just stood still the room was filled with tension. Kyo glanced around nervously afraid someone else would lose it. BAM! “Oh no,” Kyo muttered trying to keep calm. He franticly stood in front of Katie as the door opened and closed with speed. All he saw was a wisp of blood red and then she was there, a girl maybe a year older than Katie but barely.
“Hand over Katie!” A shy voice called from the girl.
“And who are you to command me?” Kyo said judging the tallish girl by her slim silhouette and tall, yet short then him, stature.
“I wouldn't if I were you.” Katie said shaking her head.
“I am Anni of the Flamecrest family,” The girl said shyly, “don’t underestimate me you will regret it.”
“She’s right.” Katie said rolling her eyes stepping forward. Kyo didn’t know why but he moved on his body on his own, he stepped between the two girls.
“Over my dead body,” Kyo called!
“You don’t get it, I was the first to find you, if the rest of the family finds her no one here is safe.” Anni said looking around nervously.
“But she is extraordinary, her strength, her intellect, and not to mention that little gift she has, we could use her to help us.” Hatori said glancing back and forth. A door slammed, and steps upon steps of feet came inside the house.
“Too late.” Anni sighed.
“KATIE!” A few voices called.
“Oh no….” Katie just shook her head in despair.
Chapter 5: Meeting the Family
The first to run up was a girl with light brown hair and lavender streaks in her hair. “How dare you! Running away and then not coming right home. I was so worried!” She cried.
“Look I really could care less but for the sake of the Sohma family here, allow me to introduce everyone.” Katie began. “The woman with the dark blue hair and maroon diamond in the back is Miranda. This here with the green bangs and black hair is Pearl. You already met the little cutie, Anni. My sister Rosie is the lady with the lavender flames and light brown hair. Cara is the girl with dark brown hair and deep purple highlights. I wish that was all of them but who knows where they went!” Katie said taking a deep breath, so many people to introduce.
"Wow thats a lot of people." Shigure said giggling. Katie shot a glare at him.
"KATIE!" Rosie shouted angered.
"Yes Rosie," Katie began, "What do you want?"
"So you won't come home but you will go hang out with boys! Do you know how much Diamond lost it when she heard!"
This is different, they are like us." Katie said opening her an arm to the side, hoping Kyo caught on. Kyo did catch right on and he stepped into her open arm.
"WAIT KATIE STOP!"Rosie screamed reaching for her, but Shigure blocked her hands. A spark connected between the two, each feeling strange, Shigure continued to block Rosie no matter what.
"Now now, Rosie wait." Shigure whispered feeling the tension in the room. As the two connected for their hug. BOOM! BOOM! Two explosions went off and two cats looked right at their families. Only collective gasps could be heard after that moment.
"See I told you!" Katie said her claws extended angrily.
"Impossible unless..." Cara slurred off her words, eyes wide. Nobody seemed to understand what she meant but that was nothing compared to what had just happened. Two zodiac cats sitting in the floor, as if two parallel worlds met, throwing both families for a loop.
"To continue on with introducing my family allow me to tell you their anim-." Katie began with a sigh, cut off by Miranda's finger on her kitty lips.
"I think we should just show them." Miranda grinned nervously said jumping at Yuki.
NOTE: I am only 14 so I don't have all the fancy writing techniques down pact, especially commas..... they are awful..... Back to the real matter this story is barely mediocre and I know that, but critiques are requested <3
Gone on the tail
Chapter 1: The Meeting
Crash! A girl with rich brown hair blast’s though the window of a nearby building, right off the fourth floor onto the ground. Her boots hit with a clack echoing around the street. “I am not coming back Pearl!” the girl yelled. Bam! She covered her eyes as a girl with black hair broke through the buildings first story metal door.
“Oh yes you are Katie, you have been gone for 5 years and you expect your older sister not to have me sent after you!” The girl, possibly Pearl, responded. One bystander, a medium sized man with bright orange hair, he was hunkered down in a big coat. Katie noted this, lunging for him, ‘I can get away quicker in that form.’ She thought. BOOM! BOOM! Two explosions of orange and pink smoke. “Huh?” Pearl questioned as 2 cats crawled out of the pile of clothes. One brown with a pink tail and the other orange.
“What the hell.” The orange cat screamed.
“I am as confused as you.” Katie said her tail lashing back and forth with interest. “So who are you?”
“I am Kyo Sohma and you are Katie I recall.” Kyo said looking at the girls.
“Yes I am and this is Pearl, allow me to give a short explanation of our family or those of the Flamecrest family aside from having strange hair, and we transform into the animals of the Zodiac Legend.” Katie said. BOOM! BOOM! Both cats returned to a human from, only naked. Kyo quickly swept up his clothes and Katie did the same each turning around to change. Katie first getting her tank top, shorts, and boots, she quickly smiled as Kyo turned around zipping up his pants.
“We of the Sohma family all turn into the Zodiac animals as well.” Kyo said eyeing the duo suspiciously. “Say Pearl, would you allow me to borrow Katie for a little while?” Kyo smiled.
“I suppose, but Rosie won’t hear of-” Pearl stopped for they had already gone. “I am dead.” Pearl said shaking her head. With a sneeze, she walked off hoping to maintain a human form until she was home. “This day is going to be crazy.” Pearl muttered as her phone rang, simply picking it up. “Yes, Diamond I am on my way.”
Chapter 2: Craziness in the Sohma House
Slam! The door shut behind Kyo and Katie, both panting as they ran into the front room. They had just run from the center of town to a house out in the woods. “See we went for a jog and we brought a lady friend home, hello darling I am Shigure.”
“Watch this.” Kyo said opening his arms, as Katie opened hers for the hug.
“Now wait a moment, Kyo you know you can’t Akit-” Shigure started then two explosions went off and two cats crawled out from under the piles of clothes, “what in the world is going on, Kyo have you done something?” Shigure said almost panicking.
“No, she claims her own families also are Zodiac animal!” Kyo shouted losing his temper.
“Now let’s calm down,” Katie said stepping forward, “we all need to keep our heads as this is shocking to everyone.” She said as they both transformed back. Shigure covered his eyes, peering at Katie changing back into her clothes, Yes, new inspiration! Shigure thought happily.
“Shigure and Kyo would you keep it down, I have a test tomorrow and I am studying.” A boy with a slender figure said walking downstairs. His hair silver and longer on one side sparkled, eyes purple, yet sad looking he was interesting, Katie noted all of this. “Oh we have a guest, hello Madam, I am Yuki.” He said walking forward.
“Ugh, what do you want rat.” Kyo glared.
“Kyo keep your trap shut, not in front of our guest.” Yuki said popping his knuckles.
“Wait you’re the rat!” Katie said an evil glare setting on her face.
“Of course not what would give you that idea?” Yuki scrambled.
“Give it up; her family is part of the zodiac.” Kyo sighed.
“Impossible!” Yuki stepped back, “Only Sohma family is….. unless…..” Yuki shook his head.
Katie took a few steps forward, anger clouded her vision. In less than a second she had Yuki in a vice grip, one wrong move and she would break him, “You caused so much suffering, how would you like to die!”
Shigure jumped into action, patting Katie’s shoulder, “Calm down please we can discuss this, I mean we all did jus-” he got cut off, without losing all grip on Yuki, she threw Shigure over her, her grip on Yuki tightened to the point where he would lose all ability to breath. “Wow you are strong, almost impossibly strong.” Shigure said dizzily getting up, surprisingly nothing was broken in the house or inside him. Katie blinked a few times as the room was silent except for Yuki trying to breath. Then BAM! Katie dropped Yuki and turned her back, blood dripped from her mouth. I’ve pushed it. Katie thought, her power was large but she had a tendency to push herself to a breaking point. Flipping a full grown man and choking a teenager was usually nothing for her. Plip, Plip, Plip, her blood dripped onto the floor, Yuki gasped for air it felt nice to breathe again.
“I am so very sorry.” Katie said turning and bowing.
“It is alright,” Shigure said getting a good look at her. He noticed she was rather short and the blood she was dripping. “Are you alright?” He said worried.
“Yeah, I think so.” Katie said wiping the blood away, but it just kept dripping.
“I should call Hatori.” Shigure said walking away.
“Thank you.” Katie muttered guessing he was a doctor. Kyo just stood there stunned, he had been trying to defeat Yuki for years and this girl walks in and nearly kills him in five seconds.
“Are you I-INSANE!?” Yuki screamed almost breathing normally.
“I am so very sorry.” Katie said bowing again, “My temper got the best of me and I really am sorry. Also if you haven’t realized I am the cat zodiac and umm well you know how the cat and rat get along.” She gave a small smile as Yuki stood back up. Both Kyo and Katie re-explained what had happened today and the curse of the Flamecrest family.
Chapter 3: Medics In
With that Hatori burst in, “Where is she!” Running over to Katie he placed a vial under her mouth collecting a bit of blood. “Why hello Katie, I have heard of you from Shigure I am Hatori Sohma.” He said huffing, obviously he had been running everywhere at the news.
“Hello, I am so sorry to have come all the way down here; I hope it wasn’t a pain.” Katie said brushing her hair out of her face. After a short examination of Katie, he did one on Yuki. No real damage had been caused although he did have deep cuts from where Katie had held him.
“Well this was interesting.” Hatori said standing up, he had calmed down a bit but still he was a little excited. “Now Ms. Kat, how did you cause this, I mean you were able to nearly kill Yuki and almost majorly injure Shigure with a single toss, although I don't understand how you missed all vital points on him.”
“Well, I had Yuki in a vice grip, just because he is the damned rat,” She took a moment to glare at him, “but Shigure tried to calm me down and while I kept Yuki in a grip I threw Shigure over my head and then I had apparently pushed the limit I could go to for today, and well here we are.” “Also since these cuts on Yuki are pretty deep I will show you why and or how I created them.” Katie held up one hand to show her perfectly sharpened nails or as she said they were her claws.Both sets had blood on them.
“Ms. Katie that is rather dangerous.” Hatori said politely, looking right into her eyes. Katie noted how one eye was covered with his long black bangs. Without even thinking Katie brushed his bang behind his ear. Katie got a good long look at his face before he placed his hair back. She knew everything with a glance, his story, the way it happened everything.
“My dear Hatori, I am not just being dangerous, I can read your story with a glance of your face. With a devious smile she stated bluntly, “Please allow me to re-tell your tale, after falling in love with a beautiful woman, your clan leader rejected her love to you, and attempted to hurt you for trying, in which the woman felt it was her fault and you erased her memory accordingly. You face just reads hurt.” Katie said with an impossibly large demonic smile on her face.
“How in the world did you do that Katie?” Kyo asked eyes wide; this girl was everything he never dreamed was possible.
“Easy I look into the soul of the person and decide accordingly how well I see a past person, and or how they will treat me, and I can see his despair in that right eye of yours.” Katie said patting Hatori and Kyo’s backs with a grin. And they all just stood there, everyone scared of what just came into the house.
Chapter 4: Death Do They Part?
Shigure walked in and he just stood still the room was filled with tension. Kyo glanced around nervously afraid someone else would lose it. BAM! “Oh no,” Kyo muttered trying to keep calm. He franticly stood in front of Katie as the door opened and closed with speed. All he saw was a wisp of blood red and then she was there, a girl maybe a year older than Katie but barely.
“Hand over Katie!” A shy voice called from the girl.
“And who are you to command me?” Kyo said judging the tallish girl by her slim silhouette and tall, yet short then him, stature.
“I wouldn't if I were you.” Katie said shaking her head.
“I am Anni of the Flamecrest family,” The girl said shyly, “don’t underestimate me you will regret it.”
“She’s right.” Katie said rolling her eyes stepping forward. Kyo didn’t know why but he moved on his body on his own, he stepped between the two girls.
“Over my dead body,” Kyo called!
“You don’t get it, I was the first to find you, if the rest of the family finds her no one here is safe.” Anni said looking around nervously.
“But she is extraordinary, her strength, her intellect, and not to mention that little gift she has, we could use her to help us.” Hatori said glancing back and forth. A door slammed, and steps upon steps of feet came inside the house.
“Too late.” Anni sighed.
“KATIE!” A few voices called.
“Oh no….” Katie just shook her head in despair.
Chapter 5: Meeting the Family
The first to run up was a girl with light brown hair and lavender streaks in her hair. “How dare you! Running away and then not coming right home. I was so worried!” She cried.
“Look I really could care less but for the sake of the Sohma family here, allow me to introduce everyone.” Katie began. “The woman with the dark blue hair and maroon diamond in the back is Miranda. This here with the green bangs and black hair is Pearl. You already met the little cutie, Anni. My sister Rosie is the lady with the lavender flames and light brown hair. Cara is the girl with dark brown hair and deep purple highlights. I wish that was all of them but who knows where they went!” Katie said taking a deep breath, so many people to introduce.
"Wow thats a lot of people." Shigure said giggling. Katie shot a glare at him.
"KATIE!" Rosie shouted angered.
"Yes Rosie," Katie began, "What do you want?"
"So you won't come home but you will go hang out with boys! Do you know how much Diamond lost it when she heard!"
This is different, they are like us." Katie said opening her an arm to the side, hoping Kyo caught on. Kyo did catch right on and he stepped into her open arm.
"WAIT KATIE STOP!"Rosie screamed reaching for her, but Shigure blocked her hands. A spark connected between the two, each feeling strange, Shigure continued to block Rosie no matter what.
"Now now, Rosie wait." Shigure whispered feeling the tension in the room. As the two connected for their hug. BOOM! BOOM! Two explosions went off and two cats looked right at their families. Only collective gasps could be heard after that moment.
"See I told you!" Katie said her claws extended angrily.
"Impossible unless..." Cara slurred off her words, eyes wide. Nobody seemed to understand what she meant but that was nothing compared to what had just happened. Two zodiac cats sitting in the floor, as if two parallel worlds met, throwing both families for a loop.
"To continue on with introducing my family allow me to tell you their anim-." Katie began with a sigh, cut off by Miranda's finger on her kitty lips.
"I think we should just show them." Miranda grinned nervously said jumping at Yuki.
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I'm always a bit nervous when it comes to rewriting. x3 However, it helps to know that if my rewrite fails, I'll always have my original document.
