Parental Problems

[cornimer]

Hi everyone, I've been really troubled lately and I don't really have anywhere else to say this so...I came here.

So basically my mom and I haven't really been getting along at all lately. The basis of it is that I think she's too strict so have been asking for some more freedom, but she refuses to give it and thinks I'm a bad "child" (I say in quotation marks bc I'm in university) just for asking. For example, I'm only allowed to stay up until 10:00pm, and if she sees me up literally five minutes later she yells and threatens to cancel my phone. The reason I'd really like to be allowed to stay up later is because both of my friends have depression/anxiety, and they tend to get bad at night and I want to be able to talk them through it. I've told my mom this but she doesn't care at all, nor does she understand that someone in university should be allowed to set their own bedtime.

I've tried talking to her about how bothered I am but she just gets mad and, again, threatens to cancel my phone. I can't express my feelings to her about anything without her getting angry. I feel trapped and so so frustrated.

I should add that I literally don't ask for anything else, I've never smoked/done drugs/asked to go to parties/etc. I literally study all the time and am a very good student, and now that I have a couple of friends she's just trying to keep me apart from them.

Does anyone have any advice? Or am I just overreacting and I shouldn't be trying to argue with my mom.

 

[N a t]

I think that for someone of your age, your mother is being kind of unreasonable. Especially because your reasons for asking for a little more freedom are valid, important, reasons imo. Unfortunately though, your mother may not understand that she should give you some more leeway. In which case, you may have to find a way to get a different phone, and plan, and the like. Through your own means. Maybe if it even means you have to get financial aid. I'm just assuming you don't have a job or cannot afford to pay for your own phone since you seem so worried about your mom cancelling yours. I would say, in this case, that you should defy your mother. If she gets mad, then she'll just be mad, but you're friends seem like they really need you. To a point where their health is at risk. I'd put my friends first in this case, even if I had to do a little work to help them. This is all my opinion though. Whatever happens, I hope you and your friends end up alright. :/

 

[Samansu]

Oh I'm so sorry you are going through this! My roommate in college had very similar parents. She was in a dorm and they were 4 hours away, but they still called to make sure she was in her room and getting ready for bed every night at 11PM.

In my opinion, you are an adult and ought to be able to decide when you go to bed and how long you stay on the phone. It sounds as though your mother is a bit too controlling, and doesn't understand that you have grown up. I think you have every right to argue with your parents. There is nothing sacred or special about parents that makes them immune to criticism. As long as it is valid you should be able to have an argument with them without feeling bad about it.

That being said, it sounds as though you still live at home and are dependent on her (since she can cancel your phone), so your situation is a bit more awkward. If you cannot afford to have a phone contract yourself, and have no where else to go you may have to just deal with her rules even if they seem ridiculous/inappropriate for someone your age.

~I wish you luck, and I hope she comes around! ^-^ <3

 

[cornimer]

Thanks to both of you for your answers, I'm glad to know that I'm justified in being upset. As you both guessed I am completely financially dependent on my mother and cannot afford to pay for my own phone, ugh. I would get a job but the program I'm in is very demanding and I'm at school all day every day, so I don't really have time to get a job. I am definitely planning on getting a summer job though to start making some money. Until then, I'm completely at her mercy in regards to whether or not I have a phone, if I defy her she'll happily cancel it and then I can never talk to my friends. So yeah it sucks thank you for your well wishes though

 

[namiieco]

Yes your mother is being very stubborn and overprotective. My parents have always been very understanding so I don't really know how you could get around this or work it out but good luck!

 

[Abbaba]

She could possibly just be upset or stressed, my mom tries to hide it from me that she's stressed because she doesn't want me to see her like that (Because I'm only 12) but I can always tell when she isn't feeling too good

 

[Fleshy]

I've never experienced this as an adult and I can only imagine how frustrating it is, your upset is completely justifiable, you shouldn't really have to feel trapped and not in control of your own life in your own home, especially considering your age.

It's a really hard situation, you depend on her financially and you can't have a discussion about it, as that would be my suggestion, bring it up in a way where you don't bring your feelings into it (as that may be likely to cause her to react), and try to come up with someone sort of agreement or compromise. It sounds like you already do, but I'd say make effort to prove to her that you are mature and old enough to make some discussions for yourself.

It seems like you're in a tough situation, I hope it improves soon though.

 

[N a t]

Thanks to both of you for your answers, I'm glad to know that I'm justified in being upset. As you both guessed I am completely financially dependent on my mother and cannot afford to pay for my own phone, ugh. I would get a job but the program I'm in is very demanding and I'm at school all day every day, so I don't really have time to get a job. I am definitely planning on getting a summer job though to start making some money. Until then, I'm completely at her mercy in regards to whether or not I have a phone, if I defy her she'll happily cancel it and then I can never talk to my friends. So yeah it sucks thank you for your well wishes though

I'm sorry to hear that our advice won't really help. There might be other ways to help your friends though. Just try not to give up.

 

[AnimalCrossingPerson]

Maybe try to get her to talk about the time she was really drunk or something. Not sure where you'd go from there, but it's an idea, as most have had their wild nights out.

Other than that, just try to be as independent as possible, I guess. Easier said than done, huh?

I assume any other close family members aren't an option to at least talk with...?

 

[cornimer]

I've never experienced this as an adult and I can only imagine how frustrating it is, your upset is completely justifiable, you shouldn't really have to feel trapped and not in control of your own life in your own home, especially considering your age.

It's a really hard situation, you depend on her financially and you can't have a discussion about it, as that would be my suggestion, bring it up in a way where you don't bring your feelings into it (as that may be likely to cause her to react), and try to come up with someone sort of agreement or compromise. It sounds like you already do, but I'd say make effort to prove to her that you are mature and old enough to make some discussions for yourself.

It seems like you're in a tough situation, I hope it improves soon though.

Thanks for the advice, I'll try to keep my feelings out of it the next time I talk to her!

- - - Post Merge - - -

Maybe try to get her to talk about the time she was really drunk or something. Not sure where you'd go from there, but it's an idea, as most have had their wild nights out.

Other than that, just try to be as independent as possible, I guess. Easier said than done, huh?

I assume any other close family members aren't an option to at least talk with...?

She never drinks, otherwise that would be a good idea though!
Yeah I guess I just have to try to prove my independence more.
No, I don't have any other close family members, just her and my younger sister.

 

[Chicha]

Thanks to both of you for your answers, I'm glad to know that I'm justified in being upset. As you both guessed I am completely financially dependent on my mother and cannot afford to pay for my own phone, ugh. I would get a job but the program I'm in is very demanding and I'm at school all day every day, so I don't really have time to get a job. I am definitely planning on getting a summer job though to start making some money. Until then, I'm completely at her mercy in regards to whether or not I have a phone, if I defy her she'll happily cancel it and then I can never talk to my friends. So yeah it sucks thank you for your well wishes though

I would recommend MetroPCS. They have affordable phone plans. I've gone through so many carriers and have been the happiest with them.

I've lived with very controlling parents and because of your situation, it can feel like it's really difficult to pull off. As long as you're under your mother's phone plan, you're pretty much at her mercy. I would slowly start being more financially independent. Maybe consider a uni job that works with your schedule like tutoring or something? You have to understand that parents like these will flip out over the smallest thing and they think they're being valid as long as you do what they say. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself because that's part of being an adult.

I would also recommend your friends to get help. I can understand you have good intentions but this is something a professional should handle. I think you should aim for convincing them to help themselves. It takes the person within themselves to become self-aware and want the help.

Good luck! Hope it works out.

 

[phoenixfab]

I have no advice, but I have an overprotective/controlling mom as well. She invades my phone privacy repeatedly, reads literally all of my texts, and monitors my search history and I can't use safari or the app store on my phone even though I am definitely old enough to have full ownership of my things. Yet here we are. I wish you luck though! Your mom sounds worse than mine D:

 

[sock]

You're definitely not overreacting! It's a really difficult situation, and unfortunately I don't think there's much that can be done...just try to keep reminding her that you need more time etc, especially as you're in uni and are definitely responsible enough to decide things like that.

 

[Soot Sprite]

Yeah, I'd say your mother is going a little overboard. Mine was the same way, and in my experience (don't know if this is possible or even an option for you) moving out was the best way to avoid that. I've never been that close with my family, and in my high school years I didn't get along with my parents at all. I'll admit, that was mostly my fault though. Working and going to school both full time sucks, but I actually get along with my parents pretty well now that we're not constantly harassing each other.

Just on another note, parents should never threaten to take something away from you when you're trying to express feelings or concerns. I consider that abusing parental power and borderline manipulative. You're reason for wanting to stay up later is pretty reasonable in my opinion, and trying to force what I'm assuming is an adult to go to bed before ten is absurd.