Poetry :)

[SolaireOfAstora]

http://www.belltreeforums.com/showthread.php?325861-Christy-s-Writing-Warehouse
Will do work for TBT, IGB and RLC, see link above:


Changes:

The cool weather bites at me,

Daring me closer

It?s not far away,

I can wait

I would rather wait in the coolness of the air

Than face what tragedy lies ahead

It towers above me

Looking at me with a menacing grin

It seems like an eternity ago,

When I was still stuck in childhood,

Longing to be an adult

Now, that I enter adulthood,

I long to be a child

Keeping my distance, but still too close

Never again

Never will I have my childhood back,

Forever gone

I walk, facing the wind

Continuing the everlasting journey

To bring me to where I am

Where I belong,

Bringing me forward;

Not where I want to go;

Nor what I want to be,

Where I belong,

What I need to be

What I am becoming:

A girl with dreams, I was

A girl with hopes, I was

A girl with purity, I was

Now, what I am;

A woman

Doubtful, but strong

A strong independent woman,

To be forever

In the arms of change

 

[SolaireOfAstora]

Bump!! Still looking for feedback

 

[Locket]

It doesn't rhyme as well as it should, maybe work on the rhymes.

 

[Murray]

Hi and nice job. I've put some structural/grammatical changes that I recommend in the spoiler below.

Spoiler

The cool weather bites at me,

Daring me closer.

It?s not far away.


I can wait, but

I would rather wait in the coolness of the air

Than face what tragedy lies ahead.

It towers above me,

Looking at me with a menacing grin.


It seems like an eternity ago,

When I was still stuck in childhood,

Longing to be an adult.

Now that I enter adulthood,

I long to be a child.


Keeping my distance, but still too close.

Never again.

Never will I have my childhood back.

Forever gone.


I walk, facing the wind,

Continuing the everlasting journey

To bring me to where I am.

Where I belong.


Bringing me forward;

Not where I want to go;

Nor what I want to be,

Where I belong,

What I need to be

What I am becoming:

A girl with dreams, I was

A girl with hopes, I was

A girl with purity, I was

Now, what I am;

A woman

Doubtful, but strong

A strong independent woman,

To be forever

In the arms of change

It's an interesting style overall but I think your message is just too sporadic. Try being a lot more succinct in your poetry writing, writing shorter poems might help. You'll have better luck if you try to nail it down to one main metaphor; one main message that you can try to express in as few words as possible.

In terms of structure due to how sporadic it is, it was difficult to try and put it in stanzas. However, in this case, it is much better than having one large stanza as there are some obvious turns in the focus of the poem which deserve a line break. The last stanza/section lost me in terms of structure, almost as if it belongs to a different poem.

In red I've highlighted some clich?'s which you'll find your poem will be improved drastically if you remove them. You can either remove them entirely or find your own original way to express what you were trying to say.

In terms of rhyme, you don't need it at all in this kind of poem. However, it may be beneficial to consider using some as it will really help you to define stanzas and round the meaning of each line.

 

[SolaireOfAstora]

Wow, thanks!