Hi all, for my school's newspaper (humor section) I wrote a parody of SOPA. Tell me what you think
STOP CONGRESS FROM PASSING THIS RIDICULOUS BILL
If you?ve been following the news lately, you probably already know what I?m going to talk about. A bill is currently in congress that would affect us all if it got passed. The date of final decision has been pushed back, but that doesn?t mean there aren?t any chances of it passing. Life will never be the same, and we can?t just assume that it won?t get passed because it?s so ridiculous. We have to fight and take a stand if we want our way of life to be maintained?not destroyed for the pursuit of power and money. While it?s true the laws that concern this bill do need to be revisited, the way congress intends to handle them is ridiculous and tyrannous. Censor our Rights And Piss off (CRAP) will invade our privacy and turn our land of the free into the home of the incarcerated.
So you might be wondering, what exactly will happen if CRAP gets passed? The bill deals with copyright, which has been a big issue the last few years. People are pirating content creators? work, which makes the creators suffer. To insure that pirating cannot happen, the government intends to hire tall men in suits with grey afros to stalk every person starting from their birth and continuing after they die. (Yes, even corpses will be stalked. You know how rebellious they can be.) These men will follow you and act as your personal censor. Anytime you speak the name of a copyrighted work, they will proceed to flail their arms rapidly, bug out their eyes, and scream the lyrics to the happy birthday song, since it is a public domain song. Mary had a Little Lamb is also acceptable, however typically it will be saved for dire situations. These men, known as CRAP enforcers, will scream the lyrics so loudly that no one will be able to hear what you are saying. Your every day conversations about Jersey Shore, iCarly, and piano playing cats will never be had again without a trip to the hospital (emergency room at first to treat your ears, and then to the mental hospital to recover from the insanity.)
Still don?t understand? Let?s say your homeboy Delancy is sitting with you in the library, and suddenly says, ?See anything good on TV last night?? You might reply, ?Yeah, the Oscars(HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU) were on. I don?t think Will You Be My Cheesedoodle(HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU) should have won, Snooki(RED ALERT: MARRY HAD A LITTLE LAMB, LITTLE LAMB, LITTLE LAMB, LITTLE LAMB) was terrible as the lead role.? If you continue to speak to the point where your censor loses their voice (which will happen quickly given the amount of obnoxious energy needed to censor you) you will be thrown in jail and charged a rather pricey fine of $1,000,000 and your first born child and/or Chihuahua. Also the functionality of your kneecaps will become questionable. You don?t get due process of law, just straight to the slammer for you. Do not pass go; do not collect two hundred dollars. And since your censors are humans with their own opinions, if you say something they disagree with they might just call you a repeated offender and send you to the big house. It?s also very tempting for them to arrest you since congress will make a lot of money every time you violate CRAP.
This sounds horrible, right? You like your kneecaps, don?t you? You can fight back, don?t let the government get away with CRAP. Call your local congressmen, let your voice be heard. The feds shouldn?t have control over your every day rights. You as an American have the right to talk about your Beliebs and sing Hannah Montana songs alone in your room at night (come on, don?t pretend you don?t. I see you. Unrelated note, you should consider cleaning your windows, the view is getti?I mean your neighbors might judge you.)
If you?ve been following the news lately, you probably already know what I?m going to talk about. A bill is currently in congress that would affect us all if it got passed. The date of final decision has been pushed back, but that doesn?t mean there aren?t any chances of it passing. Life will never be the same, and we can?t just assume that it won?t get passed because it?s so ridiculous. We have to fight and take a stand if we want our way of life to be maintained?not destroyed for the pursuit of power and money. While it?s true the laws that concern this bill do need to be revisited, the way congress intends to handle them is ridiculous and tyrannous. Censor our Rights And Piss off (CRAP) will invade our privacy and turn our land of the free into the home of the incarcerated.
So you might be wondering, what exactly will happen if CRAP gets passed? The bill deals with copyright, which has been a big issue the last few years. People are pirating content creators? work, which makes the creators suffer. To insure that pirating cannot happen, the government intends to hire tall men in suits with grey afros to stalk every person starting from their birth and continuing after they die. (Yes, even corpses will be stalked. You know how rebellious they can be.) These men will follow you and act as your personal censor. Anytime you speak the name of a copyrighted work, they will proceed to flail their arms rapidly, bug out their eyes, and scream the lyrics to the happy birthday song, since it is a public domain song. Mary had a Little Lamb is also acceptable, however typically it will be saved for dire situations. These men, known as CRAP enforcers, will scream the lyrics so loudly that no one will be able to hear what you are saying. Your every day conversations about Jersey Shore, iCarly, and piano playing cats will never be had again without a trip to the hospital (emergency room at first to treat your ears, and then to the mental hospital to recover from the insanity.)
Still don?t understand? Let?s say your homeboy Delancy is sitting with you in the library, and suddenly says, ?See anything good on TV last night?? You might reply, ?Yeah, the Oscars(HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU) were on. I don?t think Will You Be My Cheesedoodle(HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU) should have won, Snooki(RED ALERT: MARRY HAD A LITTLE LAMB, LITTLE LAMB, LITTLE LAMB, LITTLE LAMB) was terrible as the lead role.? If you continue to speak to the point where your censor loses their voice (which will happen quickly given the amount of obnoxious energy needed to censor you) you will be thrown in jail and charged a rather pricey fine of $1,000,000 and your first born child and/or Chihuahua. Also the functionality of your kneecaps will become questionable. You don?t get due process of law, just straight to the slammer for you. Do not pass go; do not collect two hundred dollars. And since your censors are humans with their own opinions, if you say something they disagree with they might just call you a repeated offender and send you to the big house. It?s also very tempting for them to arrest you since congress will make a lot of money every time you violate CRAP.
This sounds horrible, right? You like your kneecaps, don?t you? You can fight back, don?t let the government get away with CRAP. Call your local congressmen, let your voice be heard. The feds shouldn?t have control over your every day rights. You as an American have the right to talk about your Beliebs and sing Hannah Montana songs alone in your room at night (come on, don?t pretend you don?t. I see you. Unrelated note, you should consider cleaning your windows, the view is getti?I mean your neighbors might judge you.)
