Things just suck right now.
It's horrible that you're so sad and have been crying so much that I just don't have the energy to cry anymore. I just kinda....sit there in silence for a while.
A lot has happened lately, and things started to look up a bit, but of course, it starts to go back down little by little. What we thought would make things better was just the same old crap all over again. Boyfriend still away a lot and being a jerk sometimes, getting buried in bills, no friends talking to me, adult life catching up to me, all of it. There just seems to be no escape.
Usually I'm ok and can deal with it, but...there are times where I just break. My bottle can only hold so much, and there comes a time where it can't hold any more negative feelings. Feelings like stress, despair, and loneliness. And when the bottle breaks, it gets real bad.
What pushed me over the edge this time was mainly the people that I talk to. I feel like every time I even try to talk to them, they give me the hand in order to pay attention to someone else. Boyfriend included. Something else always has to have the higher priority, something else always grabs their attention more. I'm just shoved in a corner to be forgotten and eventually thrown away.
I'm sorry if this is just one huge sob fest, I just needed to get this off my chest. I've vented and told other people how I feel, but all I really get is 'aw sorry' or 'sorry I haven't paid much attention to you'...but then proceed to say nothing. It's not like I need attention 24/7, I'd just like for people to actually sit down and hold a conversation with me for more than 5 minutes. I want someone to treat me like how I treat them. No matter how much I'm there for them, how much I do or try, I just get treated the same...just some background person that they forget.
I used to be treated well...and I really miss those days...
He used to greet me every morning and ask me how I am...we'd meet up at lunchtime and joke about various things while also comforting the other when they needed it, without caring about the stupid PDA. We used to say 'goodnight' after school when he left because 'goodbye' was too sad for either of us....and when we could we would meet up at his house or mine and we'd cuddle for an hour or walk to the nearby park and play tag. He used to vent to me about his life and all the problems he was having, and I would hold him while he cried...we would text late at night or early in the morning, wanting every minute of the day just to talk. We would cry sometimes because we would miss the other so much that it was painful...we even planned to run away together after his birthday because he felt so restricted and pinned down at home and only felt free and happy when he was with me.
But in the end...he threw me out. Decided I wasn't enough. Despite all the things we went through, he said in my face that it was all just a stupid infatuation...he took my letter I wrote for him and just shoved it in his pocket like it was a used up wrapper. That day and onward, he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. And no matter how much I pleaded or cried, he walked away. That was when part of my soul walked away too.
Ever since then, I've never been the same. 3 years later and I'm still haunted...by his face, his voice, his laugh...I still have nightmares where I see him, and I'm so happy that he's back with me...only to wake up alone again. Ever since then...I haven't been really able to find myself again. The world isn't so vivid and bright anymore; I mostly see the world through teary eyes.
And the worst part? He's married now. Either he found someone quickly after ending it with me, or he married her not far in the relationship. I'm reminded nearly every day that he planned to do that with me...but the girl in the photo isn't me. I was just an infatuation, and now she gets to spend every day with him, holding him, crying with him, loving him.
After all that...I still miss him so much. I felt important and cared for when I was with him. People started to take notice of me and actually listen. He took the time to talk and made me a priority. It was the best 8 months of my life.
I don't think anyone will be like that with me anymore...that fantasy is over. Now I'll always be the girl that everyone forgets, the one everyone never invites to their parties, or asks to hang out, or rely on me. I'll never get that time back...
And I'll always have these regrets. I'll always know that it was my fault. I was the one who pushed him away and closed myself up without a care. A part of my heart is now forever lost, all because of me, and there is nothing I can do to change it. He is gone forever with his new love, and I am stuck here in the abyss.
I just wish people gave a bit more effort. I wish I could be important to someone again and maybe be truly happy again. I wish people wouldn't push me aside and actually listen for once.
It's horrible that you're so sad and have been crying so much that I just don't have the energy to cry anymore. I just kinda....sit there in silence for a while.
A lot has happened lately, and things started to look up a bit, but of course, it starts to go back down little by little. What we thought would make things better was just the same old crap all over again. Boyfriend still away a lot and being a jerk sometimes, getting buried in bills, no friends talking to me, adult life catching up to me, all of it. There just seems to be no escape.
Usually I'm ok and can deal with it, but...there are times where I just break. My bottle can only hold so much, and there comes a time where it can't hold any more negative feelings. Feelings like stress, despair, and loneliness. And when the bottle breaks, it gets real bad.
What pushed me over the edge this time was mainly the people that I talk to. I feel like every time I even try to talk to them, they give me the hand in order to pay attention to someone else. Boyfriend included. Something else always has to have the higher priority, something else always grabs their attention more. I'm just shoved in a corner to be forgotten and eventually thrown away.
I'm sorry if this is just one huge sob fest, I just needed to get this off my chest. I've vented and told other people how I feel, but all I really get is 'aw sorry' or 'sorry I haven't paid much attention to you'...but then proceed to say nothing. It's not like I need attention 24/7, I'd just like for people to actually sit down and hold a conversation with me for more than 5 minutes. I want someone to treat me like how I treat them. No matter how much I'm there for them, how much I do or try, I just get treated the same...just some background person that they forget.
I used to be treated well...and I really miss those days...
He used to greet me every morning and ask me how I am...we'd meet up at lunchtime and joke about various things while also comforting the other when they needed it, without caring about the stupid PDA. We used to say 'goodnight' after school when he left because 'goodbye' was too sad for either of us....and when we could we would meet up at his house or mine and we'd cuddle for an hour or walk to the nearby park and play tag. He used to vent to me about his life and all the problems he was having, and I would hold him while he cried...we would text late at night or early in the morning, wanting every minute of the day just to talk. We would cry sometimes because we would miss the other so much that it was painful...we even planned to run away together after his birthday because he felt so restricted and pinned down at home and only felt free and happy when he was with me.
But in the end...he threw me out. Decided I wasn't enough. Despite all the things we went through, he said in my face that it was all just a stupid infatuation...he took my letter I wrote for him and just shoved it in his pocket like it was a used up wrapper. That day and onward, he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. And no matter how much I pleaded or cried, he walked away. That was when part of my soul walked away too.
Ever since then, I've never been the same. 3 years later and I'm still haunted...by his face, his voice, his laugh...I still have nightmares where I see him, and I'm so happy that he's back with me...only to wake up alone again. Ever since then...I haven't been really able to find myself again. The world isn't so vivid and bright anymore; I mostly see the world through teary eyes.
And the worst part? He's married now. Either he found someone quickly after ending it with me, or he married her not far in the relationship. I'm reminded nearly every day that he planned to do that with me...but the girl in the photo isn't me. I was just an infatuation, and now she gets to spend every day with him, holding him, crying with him, loving him.
After all that...I still miss him so much. I felt important and cared for when I was with him. People started to take notice of me and actually listen. He took the time to talk and made me a priority. It was the best 8 months of my life.
I don't think anyone will be like that with me anymore...that fantasy is over. Now I'll always be the girl that everyone forgets, the one everyone never invites to their parties, or asks to hang out, or rely on me. I'll never get that time back...
And I'll always have these regrets. I'll always know that it was my fault. I was the one who pushed him away and closed myself up without a care. A part of my heart is now forever lost, all because of me, and there is nothing I can do to change it. He is gone forever with his new love, and I am stuck here in the abyss.
I just wish people gave a bit more effort. I wish I could be important to someone again and maybe be truly happy again. I wish people wouldn't push me aside and actually listen for once.
