my loved ones, especially my parents, dying and leaving me alone. i know i complain about them a lot on here and that my relationship with/feelings towards them are very complicated, but my kitten and i would genuinely be so screwed if something were to ever happen to them. i know one day they’ll be gone, and that fact terrifies the literal hell out of me, but my biggest fear is something happening to them both at the same time, leaving me orphaned or whatever. my fear of this has become even more prominent ever since my grandmother died back in september, as it’s just my parents and i now. if something happened to them, i’d be completely alone and unprepared. there is so much they haven’t taught me how to do such as cook for myself, pay the bills, go out into the world and survive, etc. i feel like it’s a race against the clock to learn everything i need to so that i can stand on my own once they’re gone, even though they’re relatively healthy and seemingly not dying anytime soon. i don’t know, i’m just always terrified that when they go out together (which is almost every day) they’ll get into a car crash or become victims in a store robbery or something. i find myself watching the news and being terrified that their names will come up or there’ll be news on a car crash and it’ll show images from the scene and it’ll just be my mom’s car. i’m terrified that whenever the phone rings while i’m home alone, it’s the police or a hospital calling me to let me know that something’s happened to them. it’s irrational and makes me feel crazy, but i can’t help it. the thought leaves me unable to get out of bed some days, and i’ve had plenty of anxiety attacks whenever they’ve been out for longer than 4 hours in the last 8 months alone. the relief i feel whenever i hear the door unlock and their voices fill the apartment is insane.
having a kitten now has made me even more scared of this happening, because god forbid if it did, i wouldn’t just have me to worry about and look after. i’d also have her. i’d be able to feed her and clean up after her and all that just fine, but how would i get her to her vet appointments? how would i pay for them? it’d be a terrifying, sudden mess if it was just her and i. i’m hoping to be educated and grown and mature enough to one day be capable of being independent and looking after alize (my kitten) and i just fine, but i’m not there yet, and i’m scared something will happen before i am.
i’m also scared of something happening to my online friends because if something did, i don’t think i’d ever know. they would just... disappear one day, and the thought of that happening is paralyzing to me. all of my friends mean so much to me that i can’t imagine any of them just suddenly not being here anymore.