Yuki's Poem Showroom

[Neko Yuki Pyrozanryu]

Hi
This is my Thread for when i got a Poem idea i'll write it and let you lot look (or prob flame) at them. Im not a brill writer, im kinda crap so yea there BOUND to sound crap xD

<div class='spoiler_toggle'>Her Sword</div><div class="spoiler" style="display:none;">Her Sword
by Yuki:-
Drip....Drip...
The blood gently fell to the floor,
A Crimson Puddle reflecting her face
Her Heart was dancing wildly inside her chest
She pulled the sword out quickly,
Letting the Tsunami of Blood hit the floor,
Her thoughts were quick and many
'I've killed someone!'
'My god...Im a Murderer!'
She stepped back from the incoming tide of blood
Before the victim fell forward,
Dead as a stone,
an island in the sea of blood
She trembled looking at her hands,
Murderers hands tainted with the blood of her first victim
She dropped the sword
The clanging rang through the hall like a bell in a quiet villiage
<big>Clang</big>....<big>Clang</big>........Clang.........Clang...............Clang
She took another step back,
Her hand to her mouth as she gasped in horror,
Her tears swam through her fingers before freefalling into the sea below
She then ran,
Ran as fast as she could,
leaving the body of the one she killed,
Her victim,
The one man who had murdered her parents
Surely.....This was only...Fair?</div>

<div class='spoiler_toggle'>Little Lizard</div><div class="spoiler" style="display:none;"> Little Lizard
By Yuki
Little lizard on my wall,
Green skin and really small,
Beady eyes and no call,
Your Ancestors were really tall,

Little Lizard on my bed,
Your body is long and so's your head,
When you sleep you look dead,
Many approach you with Dread,

Little Lizard Come to me,
I would just like to see,
How well we could be,
To show Humanity,
Little Lizards arnt so mean.
</div>

 

[Marcus]

It's very dramatic and a good ending but...

It doesn't rhyme, but that's fine.

It has no certain rhythm, it just bounces from 4 word lines to 12 word lines which is not fine

Some of the descriptions are quite frankly horrible. Example-a tsunami of blood. I'm sorry, but that's like saying, "The waves were as big as mountains". It just sounds corny.


All in all, 4.5/10
Keep it up though, you have a good ability to dramatise the writing.

 

[Neko Yuki Pyrozanryu]

It's very dramatic and a good ending but...

It doesn't rhyme, but that's fine.

It has no certain rhythm, it just bounces from 4 word lines to 12 word lines which is not fine

Some of the descriptions are quite frankly horrible. Example-a tsunami of blood. I'm sorry, but that's like saying, "The waves were as big as mountains". It just sounds corny.


All in all, 4.5/10
Keep it up though, you have a good ability to dramatise the writing.

Lol i sucked at poetry in school

 

[Neko Yuki Pyrozanryu]

*BUMP*
Updated: Little Lizard Poem Done, Basically a 5min piece.