Does anyone else do this?

[Watchingthetreetops]

Yes and no. When I was younger I went into a downward spiral by doing this sort of thing, but I wanted to know why the things that had happened to had to happen at all. I was basically systematically torn down from ages 14 to 18 and didn't realize it because I just grew up with it. When I finally understood what abuse was, and that it could be verbal, I was left alone and without any confidence to stand up for myself and the belief that I should, for all rhyme and reason, not be alive (but I am and I'm okay with that). It was even harder to understand that the reasons people you care about abuse you stem from things like insecurity, anger, and their own problems. I had a really hard time coming to terms with everything that happened to me when I was younger. And after a while of being practically obsessed, I just stopped reading old messages and got off of social media all together and deleted all of the old texts.

Now a days I don't really have an urge to look at family messages or messages from non-friends. There's some recent events that have me looking at my ex's stuff sometimes. He was not an abuser, but rather someone that really helped me and I ultimately ended up hurting. I think I look at them because I want to understand the part of myself that hurt him. I don't like doing that. It's an almost alien feeling to act maliciously, and there is no justification for what I did. I promised myself to never allow such actions to occur because of me again, but sometimes I look back because....well, this ex and I went through a lot. He is a person that will always blame me because he never got his **** together, even if that part of his life is not my fault. In any case. Sorry for the wall of text.

 

[Buttonsy]

It depends on how badly someone has hurt me. Things where it ended bittersweetly, definitely, although things that ended blatantly bitterly are too difficult to indulge in that sort of thing, for me.