Pontius
like a bowl of soup
Not having the greatest night. It's been a hard day for my mom. As I type she is currently retching terribly hard in the downstairs bathroom. I can hear her through the music coming through my laptop.
She can hardly spend 10 minutes outside her room. It's worse in the evenings. I try to spend quality time with her in the mornings but even then she is constantly nodding off because of her pain medication. She hates it, I hate it.
She cried today. I feel as though I am watching her die. And I'm sure I am. I just bury all my feelings about her fight and her health deep down to the pits of my stomach. Except those of encouragement for her.
It is terrible to watch. The only parent you have left slowly melting away. And I am a helpless spectator. I don't dare ask her if she thinks the treatments were worth it. I wonder. If it turns out that I have cancer when I am her age, will I want to go through what she has? Will she come out on top? Would I? Am I as strong as she is?
I don't want to grow old. Everything falls apart.
I cried at the dentist today. She was going to town cleaning my teeth and I'm just sitting there thinking about my day so far. Probably letting the undead thoughts and feelings creep up to the surface. Before I knew it I was crying in the chair. I apologized and got my **** together, thankful that my mother wasn't around to see me crumble.
Nobody knows how I am feeling. I don't even know how I feel. I have a daughter whose best friend is her Nana. She's too young to lose someone she's so close with. She'll be wrecked. My mom isn't ready. She's scared.
I'm scared.
She's the last of her 3 siblings. Her husband died almost ten years ago. She's alone, and doesn't want to burden her children.
How much longer will she have to fight? And do you understand what that question is really asking?
I don't want to not have parents on this earth anymore.
She can hardly spend 10 minutes outside her room. It's worse in the evenings. I try to spend quality time with her in the mornings but even then she is constantly nodding off because of her pain medication. She hates it, I hate it.
She cried today. I feel as though I am watching her die. And I'm sure I am. I just bury all my feelings about her fight and her health deep down to the pits of my stomach. Except those of encouragement for her.
It is terrible to watch. The only parent you have left slowly melting away. And I am a helpless spectator. I don't dare ask her if she thinks the treatments were worth it. I wonder. If it turns out that I have cancer when I am her age, will I want to go through what she has? Will she come out on top? Would I? Am I as strong as she is?
I don't want to grow old. Everything falls apart.
I cried at the dentist today. She was going to town cleaning my teeth and I'm just sitting there thinking about my day so far. Probably letting the undead thoughts and feelings creep up to the surface. Before I knew it I was crying in the chair. I apologized and got my **** together, thankful that my mother wasn't around to see me crumble.
Nobody knows how I am feeling. I don't even know how I feel. I have a daughter whose best friend is her Nana. She's too young to lose someone she's so close with. She'll be wrecked. My mom isn't ready. She's scared.
I'm scared.
She's the last of her 3 siblings. Her husband died almost ten years ago. She's alone, and doesn't want to burden her children.
How much longer will she have to fight? And do you understand what that question is really asking?
I don't want to not have parents on this earth anymore.
