Judge my writing
- Thread starter Beardo
- Start date
First of all, watch your tense; you're jumping between past and present tense and it's distracting to read
Some wordings and phrasings can use some finesse; "gray eyes" sounds awkward where it should have been "a pair of gray eyes"; this is my preference but to me a period between "They’re lonely. But not for long." makes the stop a bit too abrupt
I like how you try to build up a mood and hinting at the presence of the girl; but the fact that the girl has come out with you didn't come across very clearly and the mentioning of her in the second paragraph feels very out of nowhere; though you have a mood going, it's not consistent throughout the story; you started the story with almost an ominous feel: gray eyes, lonely, soft jacket, open the door carefully, this wasn't a gentle rain; then all of a sudden at the mentioning of the girl, the story got a little too lovey dovey; I would definitely work more on the details and descriptions, perhaps elaborate more on the setting, the weather, on her loneliness and how she lights up after seeing the narrator (you want to show how "she’s only brave when [he's] around, otherwise she’s a mouse", instead of stating it)
lastly, the tone of the narrator when he compares the girl and himself sounds sloppy; he doesn't sound like he likes her a lot
Some wordings and phrasings can use some finesse; "gray eyes" sounds awkward where it should have been "a pair of gray eyes"; this is my preference but to me a period between "They’re lonely. But not for long." makes the stop a bit too abrupt
I like how you try to build up a mood and hinting at the presence of the girl; but the fact that the girl has come out with you didn't come across very clearly and the mentioning of her in the second paragraph feels very out of nowhere; though you have a mood going, it's not consistent throughout the story; you started the story with almost an ominous feel: gray eyes, lonely, soft jacket, open the door carefully, this wasn't a gentle rain; then all of a sudden at the mentioning of the girl, the story got a little too lovey dovey; I would definitely work more on the details and descriptions, perhaps elaborate more on the setting, the weather, on her loneliness and how she lights up after seeing the narrator (you want to show how "she’s only brave when [he's] around, otherwise she’s a mouse", instead of stating it)
lastly, the tone of the narrator when he compares the girl and himself sounds sloppy; he doesn't sound like he likes her a lot
thanks. I appreciate the feedback
