Life during and after Traverse

[VanitasFan26]

My first time creating Traverse was interesting. I wanted to make an island based around Kingdom Hearts but the original idea I had was that I wanted to name it "Kingdom" but that didn't work so I choose the name "Traverse" instead. The name is a reference to the world of "Traverse Town" from Kingdom Hearts 1. I always liked that area and the music so thats why I decided to go with it.

I didn't have many friends going into this island. It was just me. I was just doing a lot of stuff because truth be told I was new to Animal Crossing and know nothing about what it had to offer. So I was just making helping out Tom Nook making this strange desert island (honestly I knew that he would fool me) but I had to pay a lot of bells. At the time I did not know how to earn them. I went around catching fish and bugs the first time after learning how to craft a Fishing Rod then a Net. I give them to Timmy to sell and I was able to make bells. After a while blathers came (thank god because the fishes and bugs were pilling up), Nook's shop was opened, Able Sisters was built, I had 10 villagers who were Antonio, Rocket, Patty, Skye, Charlise, Dobie, Anabelle, Eugene, Shari, and Nate. Then KK slider showed up and I was given the app to make my island the way I wanted so thats when I started to make it.

Of course I was struggling to make idea of what I want my island to be. I was just going around making cliffs and rivers because I had no idea what else to think of. My island was in a complete mess I had trees cluttered everywhere, homes were scattered, and so many areas were empty. I was losing my mind because I had no idea how to make a good island. I go and see other people's islands and I did take inspiration from them. Eventually I made my island better thanks to them but then around May 2020 is when I started to feel unhappy with my island. So I decided to start over and go back to square one. Eventually I made it how I picture in my head that stood out. As the months went by I began tearing down my island and remaking from the way I see it. By October 2020 it was fully completed. By now most of the villagers I originally had were gone. I payed no attention to them because I had been so busy terraforming. It made me feel bad. I had new villagers at the moment that replaced them, they are Raymond, Judy, Audie, and Cherry. They were really nice and some of the other 6 villagers I let random ones in and let them go.

Then I started feeling depressed. It was by then some of the friends I made while I was still in the process of making my island turned on me. The first one decided to ghost me when I asked them to help me clean out the flowers since they were cluttered on my island. I remember just feeling so left alone. Next day I talked to them to find out what happened they said they were too busy and promise to show up the next day. I waited on that next day and they never showed up. I remember feeling sad and angry about it. I confronted them and the last thing they said to me was "whatever dude, you're blowing this out of portion and you are always dragging me down" that was the straw that brock the camels back so I decided to remove and block that person. Things didn't get much better. Some the friends I made started to use me just to get stuff out of me. They would ignore me whenever I try to talk to them and they would always ask me if I have anything for them. It just made me look like a tool. I had to end up removing friends because I felt manipulated, ghosted, backstabbed, and just helpless that people would treat me like this.

However, this one friend I had since June 2020 decided to stick by my side and realize that she was the only one who cared for me. I felt happy that she wasn't like those other friends who did that to me. I felt happy. As time went on we were doing trades with each other, but then around November 2020 this happened. My friend was asking me for a Cute Red Bed. I said "Okay but you have to give me 99,000 bells" she was upset and started to yell me because I was treating her like "Profit" and "not a friend". I remember just feeling so bad about it that I had to apologize about it. She didn't message me back. It was then that I started to beat myself for something stupid I said. The next day we had a talk and we both agreed that trading between us was a big mistake that almost ended the friendship so we decided to put an end to it. We remained friends since then and we still had each others back.

To this day I have mixed feelings on Traverse. On one hand I should be proud that I made something to my liking but at the same time I had some not so good experiences with other people, but at the end the day its an island that holds a place in my heart of all the memories I had.

 

[VanitasFan26]

Well yesterday was the Festivale event oh man it was....something. I encounter this Pave bird at my Plaza. He was dancing around like crazy and everyone else was having a good time. I talked to him he starts dancing, he questions my clothing (Its 2021 I wear what I want so I should not be judged), and then he tells me to catch feathers. I spent the last 4 hours running around my island collecting feathers, my nets kept breaking, villagers were constantly getting in the way, but eventually I was full on feathers. I returned to Pave and I gave him all the feathers. What did I get in return? Just the same Festivale items that I already got from my shop and trading with others just to get different colors. Then Pave asks me to give him 3 Rainbow Feathers. I crafted them and gave it to Pave and he gives a Festivale Float. I spent more time trying more time trying to get more items from Pave but nope he kept giving me the same thing.

Feeling frustrated I decided to sell all the extra items I got. I didn't get much bells from it so that was a complete waste. I turned off the game and just called it the day. The next day I go and talk to my villagers to see if they actually say anything different but it just went on like nothing ever happened. Villagers were still talking about my outfit, reminding me what I was doing, asking me about my hobbies, and of course trying to ask me about being in villagers home. I ask myself "Why do I even bother?" and just turned off the game. Never have I felt so bored with my villagers and the event yesterday burned me out.

 

[VanitasFan26]

I will be taking a hiatus break from Traverse. Its not going to go anywhere but, I just need to step down and reflect on my life. I had a good year of making my island, met people some good ones some really bad ones, but it was a journey. Maybe some day I will return whenever new stuff happens or whenever Tom Nook or Isabelle actually announces new stuff I may care about.

 

[VanitasFan26]

I've been feeling very salty and very angry that Tom Nook and Isabelle didn't mention anything about how great I made my island. Isabelle still talked about her personal life again and again. She is really becoming more annoying than ever. None of my villagers don't seem to even care that they felt "glad" for living on this island for so long. Never mentioned anything to me how I was the one who made this island so great. I am just feeling so lost in my thoughts that I don't know what else to do. Sometimes I wish I can just tear this entire island down but then my inner self is saying don't do it otherwise you will regret it soon.

I thought coming back after a few weeks of my break would make me feel happy but sadly it hasn't I ask myself "Why am I still here? Just to suffer?" Its Everyday I log into this game I can feel my happiness and my soul draining from the constant grind I put on myself for the past year. I expected everyone to be so welcome to me and appreciate how well I made the island, but nobody on my island cared. Of course Tom Nook gave me a cake in the mail. I mean seriously? I deserve better than this!

Its really just frustrating when everytime I feel like I am trying evolve it feels like everything has remained the same for the past year and nothing on this island has changed not one bit. There is that stupid Rabbit known as Zipper T Bunny that is coming back and I will not be around that creep any longer. I have hold a grudge against him and he made me and most of my villagers feel uncomfortable. Maybe I will return to give him another chance, but in hindsight I probably won't because I would just be going against my word of never bothering with that terrible event. Maybe I'm just losing my mind but, I feel like no matter what I do on my island nothing else seems to matter....

 

[VanitasFan26]

So that stupid ZIpper Bunny appeared on my island yesterday. Now I heard that he has made villagers possible to give you eggs. I took a peak outside and there we was, jumping around, with his scary looking eyes. I board up my home and I refuse to come out of my home until April 5th, 2021. That rabbit left me with a bad taste last year and I am not going to let him ruin me again!

Those villagers maybe excited about Bunny Day and same with Isabelle (even though she still does nothing at all) but for me I refuse to even take part in that event. I have my reasons.

 

[VanitasFan26]

I felt really upset all week, because my friend was telling me how my island feels "too barren" for their liking. I felt very angry and upset that she would even say things like that. I put in 3,000 hours into my island and this is how she comments on my island? Nobody will ever understand what it feels like to terraform, move buildings, and of course trying to be different. She probably saw islands that she thought was great and then had the nerve to tell me how "barren" my island looks? Sometimes I wish I can just tear down this island just to be refreshed, but then I think to myself, I am just throwing away so much hard work. I should not let opinions of others affect me.

My island Traverse holds a place in my heart. Sure its not like most islands, but I am proud of my hard work. Sometimes I do get complaints from strangers who says my island is like the "best" they've ever seen whenever I open my gates. Back then I thought "what if they are just saying that, because they think my island is the best, but they think their island sucks". I really hate how sometimes people compare themselves to others. Its like why can't everyone just be themselves and not try so hard to make their island "perfect"?

I talked to others about this and they told me that I should not let people say what bothers me just to make me start over my island. Then again I was so silly to think I would tear down my island just to make my friend more happy. Pfft she needs to learn not to compare islands to each other and respect them for what they are. My island is how I made it to be and if anyone has problem with that, thats their business.

 

[VanitasFan26]

I always feel lonely when my villagers are not around, but then again they don't say anything different so I don't bother with them too much.

 

[VanitasFan26]

I don't know why I always have conflicting thoughts whenever I play this game. On one hand it can be a relaxing experience when playing slowly, but most of the times whenever I feel the need to change something on my island that doesn't right. As soon as I go back to Terraforming it feels more like chore than actually trying to enjoy yourself. I would block off my villagers from even entering places, and then start with the terraforming the area. After like 5 hours I am done, but then I feel so tired and worn out that I just call it quits for the day.

I keep wondering "Why do I keep doing this to myself?" maybe its just because nothing much has happened since Bunny Day ended and my villagers are still talking like mindless robots. I am trying to find a reason to enjoy myself on my island, but now its really starting to become mentally draining for me, because I force myself to try and look for stuff to do. There is a moment when all you're doing is basically relaxing, but then its like you want to feel like you want to have fun and then feel great about it. I am so lost right now, maybe I should retire from this island, but then again I am stopping myself from even getting rid of the island I had for the longest time. I feel like I need help, but I am too much of a scared person to even ask for help, because I would feel so stupid.

 

[VanitasFan26]

Well I've officially ran out of stuff to do on my island. Everything has gotten so stale and boring that its not even as "joyful" or "relaxing" to me. All that terraforming just felt like a chore to do and it really sucked the fun out of me. Maybe I will try and come back when there is new stuff happening, but if not, oh well.

 

[VanitasFan26]

Guess I can finally share my memories of my island with screenshots since I'm pretty much done explaining what it was like before, but now I'm going to share some memories:

Around August 2020, I was celebrating the Fireworks Festival. It was refreshing at the time.

At the end of August is where I finished my Garden Park. Of course its no longer here since I took it down, but at the time it was pleasant.

November 19th 2020. I was sitting next to Diana to make her feel comfortable. She is no longer living on the island but this is a moment that really warms my heart

On that same day. I saw 3 of my villagers Lucky, Sherb, and Freya sitting together on this one tree. Of course I joined in just so I would not feel left out.

 

[VanitasFan26]

Really Rosie? You had to say stuff like this during the time when there is a Pandemic? Good thing I moved you out before you spread the virus.

I don't know why this took me a long way to make, but it was a great feeling when I completed the Robot Hero by the end of November 2020.

 

[VanitasFan26]

This was the last Photo I took of me and Fauna sitting under the moonlight before she moved out by the end of May 2020

 

[VanitasFan26]

This was the first thing I caught this big thing while I was visiting my friends island.

 

[VanitasFan26]

Finally this was the last remaining photo of my old island what it used to looks like back in March 2020. I am still in disbelief how bad it was then.

\

This is what my island looks now at the moment. Thats all of the memories I can share of what it was like on Traverse Before and After.

 

[VanitasFan26]

I came back on just to clean up my island since the weeds were growing out of control. Of course I checked every home and it had no roaches (thank god). I spoke to my villagers still repeating the same topics as always, but at least they wondered where I was. I mean its like they care about me when I'm gone but the moment I try to chat with them they still repeat the same old topics. Either way I gave them gifts, hopefully to get their photos, but sadly I didn't get it. Just got more freaking clothing and furniture.

Fang was thinking about moving out, but I told him to stay since he's been with me for the longest time and I don't want him to leave. He's my favorite cranky villager of all time. Afterwards I went and did my Nook Mile tasks. I got x5 on diving for sea creatures which was cool and I ran into Pascal again when the first sea creature I got was a "Scallop". I gave it to Pascal and he gave me a pearl, which is fine because I can sell that for a lot of bells. So afterwards I was done for the day, but before I could go I wanted to give one of my Residents by the name Roxas a lot of materials and tools to prepare when he is ready to move out of my island to start his own island in the future.

Sad thing is that getting a ticket to a new island is pretty expensive these days and Roxas told me that he has no idea when he wants to do it. He hopes one day it would be a free ticket to a getaway island for him, but he says that if it doesn't come soon then he'll just have to go with it for what it is. I mean I support him all the way, but then I wonder if I will ever see him again. Its a new chapter he wants to start in life, but because of money issues its holding him back. I will always be here for him when he needs my support.

 

[VanitasFan26]

I don't know why I mess up so much. I try so hard not to make any mistakes, but I just keep finding ways to make myself look so stupid. Its really pathetic for me to act like this, because I know I've been acting like a complete jerk around everyone. I let my anger get the best of me, I said things I should've never said, and tried to make it up to everyone. I feel like I'm just becoming a burden to everyone. I see everyone having a fun time, but the truth about me is that I never used to have fun. My parents always treated me like a servant, my old friends ditched me for someone popular, and of course whenever I try to ask for help I just get brushed to the side become ignored.

I've been hiding this for the longest time, but I am not sure why I still say. I contradict myself so many times saying that I will stop doing this and I will stop doing that, but I mess up so much. Of course the same thing wasn't the same on my island. Like I mentioned at the very beginning, I struggled to even make friends. Most people took advantage of me and just left me in the dust. All of my anger and depression finally snapped and I began becoming the most negative person around everyone and I ended up making myself look like such a fool to the point where people look at me as a vibe of "Nobody wants to be around you. You're too negative".

I try so hard to be positive and pretend like everything is okay, but it is not okay because I find myself just finding it so hard to even try to ignore my problems and it becomes worse for me. Even when I try to open up a little bit, some people think I'm just overreacting or thinking that I am making the whole thing up. I don't expect anyone to feel bad for me or even open up to me, because I don't want to ruin their day or waste their time trying to solve my problems. Its something only me can solve. Of course I tell myself "well why I am saying this when I isolate myself?" Truth be told its because I have trust issues, due to being hurt so many times in the past and being mistreated.

I don't deserve to be happy not after all the things I've said and done, I am just someone who has suffered through too much pain and whenever I do try to feel happiness its like its there at one point and it fades away. I know it should not be this hard but it is as someone who has an autistic disorder and suffers from depression.

 

[VanitasFan26]

Every time I think about all the mistakes I did in my life I just feel like my inner critic taking over and reminding me of all the bad stuff I've done. It makes me feel sad, depressed, and even makes me have thoughts about ending my life, because of how badly I treated people. I used to think that nobody would want me around, because I made so many mistakes in my life, but I have come to realize that it isn't always the case. Its mostly my negative thoughts getting the best of me and just makes me feel so uncomfortable. I don't know why this happens, but whenever I had someone confront me over something I said or did I hold myself accountable and try so hard to never make the mistake again, but I had to remind myself I would mess up again, so I keep trying harder to not make those same mistakes.

I know some people may think I'm overreacting, but the truth is that I never really made good friends in my life. I was friends with the wrong people who I thought they would always "be there for me" whenever something happens, but then they ditch me years later. I used to think that it had something to do with me, but then I realized that people grow and change when they go their separate ways. In my case that wasn't always true, but I know thats how life is and I have to learn to accept that. I never was good at social interactions because I was so shy about talking to others when I was told early in my life to always "be quiet or else you get in trouble" but as the years went by I was told to talk to more people, which made it harder for me to make friends.

Truth be told I think I am own worst enemy because I over exaggerate things way too much, because I've been hurt too much in my life to even realize that even small mistakes I make is not a big deal. I know I should not be so hard on myself, but its something I cannot control most of the time. Thats why I avoid talking to others, because I don't want to ruin their fun day or happiness if I talk to them about my problems. I just need to really learn for myself on how to better accept myself for who I am, not to compare myself to others, and always learn how to better myself on not making the same mistakes. Of course that is hard for me to even do from someone who is autistic.

 

[VanitasFan26]

I just made this on Harvs island, where my villagers are feeling sad for me because they heard about all the struggle I was going through. If only they can hug me, I would feel so much better, but this is what I imagine how my villagers would check up on me when they are worried.

 

[VanitasFan26]

Everytime I always get a letter from "Mom" in the mailbox I just have so many flashbacks of what I have to do deal with personally. I know I see it everywhere that everyone's parents are always loving and caring, but for me I've had the worst parents for as long as I can remember. They are always yelling at me whenever I did something wrong, constantly questioning me about the things I do, and of course whenever I ask for help they tend to ignore my needs and wants. I always help them do things for them, but whenever I ask for help or I want something they feel the need to make it harder on me.

There was one day that I wanted something and my mom just kept telling me so many restrictions of why I should not get it. Telling me that I should not be spending out all my money. The truth is I've been saving money for the things I want and I wanted her help to get what I want. However, things didn't get much better. Dad told me he would give me money on one condition. If I have help do chores around the house and then he will give me the money. The problem with my parents is that they are at a old age and don't remember much about what is going on.

At times I try to remind of them of stuff but when I do they feel offended. Then my mom told me probably the most hurtful think ever. She told me that if I remind her one more time she will not let me get what I want and she felt like I was controlling her when in reality I was just reminding her about what to do later. I cannot trust my parents because whenever they promise that they will do something they end up forgetting and I call them out on it. Whenever that happens they threaten me to keep me quiet and it just makes me feel sad, worthless, and downright devastated.

I constantly I have to bottle up my feelings because my parents hate when I'm mad and they always keep telling me to "fix my face" and it just makes it more harder on me. I go into my room breaking down crying silently. I keep wondering to myself "Why am I stuck living with them and they are just restricting of what I want to do?". Life has gotten so much harder since the Pandemic and I've really became more depressed and lost because I had to deal with the verbal abuse with my parents. I really hate feeling like this, because it just puts me in a really sour mood when I am forced to do things for my parents just to get what I want, but this is what I have to deal with. I wish I can job, get money, and move out this home I'm living in with my parents, but sadly due to the pandemic it has gotten so much harder. My parents are the reason why I am sad most of the time and why I don't feel comfortable socializing with anyone else.

 

[VanitasFan26]

Some people often ask me "Well how come you never get a girlfriend" The Truth is I really don't know how to feel in relationships. I am fine with being single and its hard for me to even find someone who can relate to me or share the same common interests. I know people have their own tastes in people and I cannot change how they are as person to make them like me. That is just ridiculous to do a thing like that. I'm a guy myself but I know most woman really don't like guys too well because of all the things they do to them. I can't speak for any guy in general but I am one of the ones who respect woman for who they are and treat them the same others deserve to be treated fairly.

However, with me because I've been hurt so many times in the past I am just not good at opening up to anyone, because irl whenever I would sit with other people they often ignore me, because they think I have nothing better to say or when I try to say things they often just shove me to side and act as if I'm a ghost to them. I know loving yourself is one of those things that is so hard to do in today's world.

For me I am just an autistic person who's been made fun of before and never treated so well in my life. I really want to believe there is good people out there, but in my case its very rare, because I've been hurt so many times in my personal life. I will forever remain skeptical whenever someone tells me how "nice" people are. Its hard for me because at times they may look nice, but deep down they could be someone that could screw you over or sometimes lash out of you.

Nobody will ever understand what I go through. They don't know how it feels like to be abused, neglected, manipulated, and of course the most painful one being backstabbed by those who you thought they were people that cared about you, but then turned their backs on you. For an autistic like me its really hard because I feel like barely anyone understands that mental illness.

Combined that with depression it makes it a lot more difficult. I know there is kind people out there, but the biggest is we live in a time where its easy to spot really kind people, but deep down they can turn into something you would not expect them to be in a bad way. I'm just saying how I've been deal with this throughout my life. Not just on the internet, but in real life too.