Life during and after Traverse

[VanitasFan26]

I just learned that I am just better off being single. Since my social skills are so weak and I cannot interact with most people in real life and because I had to put up so much toxic people in my life I just learn I have to be myself and do whatever makes me feel happy. Throughout my life I was told that "You need to have a girlfriend or else you will be lonely" but I realize that message is so outdated by today standards. I found out that there are people out there who choose to be single and they are happy for themselves which is okay.

Of course with me since I'm autistic sometimes being single can be really good but a little lonely. I will have a day where I am just by myself just enjoying my time and not having to worry about getting into any arguments or having to be called out or made fun off by other people. However, sometimes it can feel lonely when you have no one else to speak to that understands all your struggles and respects you for who you are. That is very rare for me because it just doesn't happen to me in real life, but I realize that there are some people online who are like that. Then again, just like in real life its very rare for that to happen to me.

I guess being single can have its downsides too, but I am happy being single, because it makes me feel good about myself, appreciate what I have to live for in life, and of course just being around people who I know very well that respects me for who I am as a person and doesn't judge me or try to change me for the better.

 

[VanitasFan26]

I came back because I guess I realize I'm my own worst enemy. I really was being too hard on myself for the stuff I said and done recently. I took "warnings" as a sign of "punishments" when in theory made no sense, because I was just so depressed and lost in my thoughts that I just had such a mental breakdown this past month. After a long therapy session, I made the right decision to leave for a while and come back with a different mindset. I am not fully better, but still going to try to be careful of what I say and try my best not to get in trouble which is easier said than done.

I still made it clear that even if I come back it still won't change a thing. I know its sad for me to say because of all the damage I've suffered last month, but I am still going to be very cautious about what I say and try my best not to make any mistakes. I've learn what is not okay to say and how to avoid getting into anymore trouble. This is exactly reminding me of school when the teachers threatening me that if they catch me with a bad attitude they will give me extra homework. I really hate being reminded of similar things, but I can't help myself sometimes. Its the way I am as an autistic.

I don't know I am just feeling conflicted. Part of me is regretting coming back after how I messed up badly and messed everything up for myself, but the other part of me is saying how there is nice people around who are not bad and that I was overlooking the nice stuff and focused too much on the bad stuff. I know this may seem like I'm overreacting or making a big deal about it, but truth be told its how I've been in real life. Cannot change anyone but myself. That is the most important thing I've learned through this whole experience. Its complicated these days. I am just going through a personality crisis at this point. I don't know what describes my personality. I am just "all over the place" its really hard to say.

 

[VanitasFan26]

Well its been a while, but I came back to Traverse and to my surprise so much just happened Today was Cherry's Birthday:

Francine just moved in after I invited her from the Campsite a few days ago.

And Finally my favorite villager Molly after 11 months of being on my island has finally give me her photo! I never felt this much happiness in a long time. I am not going to let her go after this, but its very nice that I finally got her photo!

 

[VanitasFan26]

Sometimes I know when people ask me questions like "Did you lose any weight?" and the response I usually say is "yes and I am still trying so hard". For the longest time I have always struggled with this. I was growing with so much weight on me because I was eating out of control. My parents would always tell me to "keep losing weight you're too fat" but then its like I try my best but my weight doesn't go down. This went on for years until around 2021 I started pressuring myself to lose weight.

I began to cut down every junk food, started working on treadmill every mornings, and of course eat the right healthy foods. I've been doing this since February 2021 where my weight was about 343.6 which looking back I am so mad at myself for not losing this weight sooner, because I was going through difficult moments in my life that I haven't really gotten around to it. Eventually when I started to lose weight, my parents at first were not too impressed and they told me I wasn't "trying hard enough", because of this I had to keep doing more and more.

By the end of March 2021, I've lost 20 pounds and my weight was down to 321.3 it was at this time my parents were still telling me to do more, because they still weren't satisficed. As time kept going on and on I keep hearing voices in my head telling me "You're not good enough to lose weight" and "Its no use you will never lose the weight." I kept telling myself "NO! I will not be defeated". So I kept going on exercising every single day, eating less junk food, and eating more healthy foods.

When it was the end of April 2021, I've lost 10 more pounds and my weight was down to 311.4 and when I finally went to Doctor for a checkup he told me that my blood results were actually improving and he was surprised to see how much weight I've lost. He was happy, but then he said that he wanted to see me go down in the 200s in my weight. Which didn't make me feel any better, because I told myself "Darn it I should've tried harder" While my parents were actually happy to see me lose weight, I felt myself just feeling more pressured to continue to lose weight.

Finally now at the moment when my mom asked me "When last you weighed?" it was probably the first time I felt pressured to even check my weight. Feeling scared I went up on the weight scale and to my shock it was at 301.4, part of me is suppose to feel happy, but I didn't because I didn't get under 300. When I told my mom about it she told me "You are doing a good job and I am proud of you for losing the weight" this is probably the first time in a long while she has ever said that when she was so hard on me the first time about it. My emotions were all over the place. I was annoyed because she asked me about my weight and I was even more angry with myself that I didn't try hard enough to get under 300.

I know they say losing weight is suppose to make you feel happy but for me I just feel pressured to lose weight, just to make sure I don't get shamed on or feeling pressured by others to lose weight. Then again its my fault for not doing this sooner and I was being neglectful about my own weight in the first place. Do I feel happy losing weight? Well kinda yes and kinda no, on one hand it made me feel better, but at the same time I just feel like I didn't do good enough despite some of the complaints I got. I don't know maybe I'm just going crazy.

 

[VanitasFan26]

This is something I've been wanting to do for the longest time, but for the longest time I've been living on Traverse I feel like its time for me to move on. The island of Traverse was an interesting experience. When I started off, I didn't know what I was doing. I had no idea what to do stuff and I over stressed myself trying to figure out how to design Traverse. I did visit other people's islands for Inspiration and truth be told I was impressed with their island, but it made me hate how Traverse looks. Over a year I've made it my goal to make Traverse the best island it can be, but it only just made me burned myself out.

Then there was times where I went to a trading site to get the stuff I want, but I knew at that point it spoiled me and caused me to have trust issues when making friends. Some people wanted to be friend, but then I come to find out that they only used me to get stuff out of me and then they stopped talking to me. Even today when I tried to talk to my friends they either have forgotten about me or they just don't seem to want to talk to me anymore.

Now I come to the Present and since I moved to a new Island by the name Twilight with Roxas being the new Resident Representative. I just had to make a decision. That decision is to let Traverse go and move on to a different island of my own. I don't know, because when I look at it, it just brings back terrible memories of what happened, and reminded me all of the bad stuff that happen. I know there were things that I could've done better, but it just wasn't making me feel happy. Also what ideas I had for Traverse wasn't working and it just wasn't in my favor.

So now I am going to wait until everything is cleared out from my home, carry all the stuff out from Traverse to the new Island when I finally go to a new Island to help broaden my Horizons. This will be the last Journey piece I will write about this island and in the future Traverse can be gone for good. Its been a rough Journey, but for now its time to move on from this island and start over on a new island to help me feel better about myself.

 

[VanitasFan26]

Its over for Traverse. Its gone and its no longer here. I have now have an island called "Destiny" now its the time I move on and change for the better.

RIP Traverse
March 20, 2020- May 22, 2021

 

[VanitasFan26]

For the past 10 years that I graduated high school I've been stuck living with my parents. I am mentally disabled since I have autistim and I have to rely on Social Security Income. Everyone in my family is always talking about great things and whenever they ask me how I'm doing they I would say "good I guess" but I Know thats a lie because everything is not okay. I am so sick and tired of hearing the same pharase "Things will get better" and "It will fly over soon" its not as simple!

I feel like sometimes whenever I make a big deal out of everything I was always gaslighted into thinking that "You should not be so hyper" and "Its not a big deal get over it". Since when I was a child I've been bottling up my emotions. I never once expressed to everyone how I really feel because the moment when they ask me "Are you okay" and then I respond what my issue is I just get a dimissive response like "Its no big deal you'll get used to it". I have always isolated myself from people because I was at the point where no one understood me at all. I tend to stutter alot in real life when speaking and people tend to misunderstand me or take what I say out of context and use it against me. My ex friends and ex best friends did this to me acting like they understood me but in reality they never did and just abandoned me. Then finally when I heard those dreadful words from that teacher in school saying "Nobody wants to hear about your problems" that was the straw that broke the camals back. Its hard for me to open up when there are people who are always so dismissive about what you're going through. This is one of the reasons being autistic is so hard becuase I have reasons to express how I really feel and yet I just get brushed off as if I'm going crazy. Its hard to open up these days.

I don't know who I am anymore. For me as an autistic I am still confused by everything in the world. I second guess things, I don't know if people can be trusted these days, I have a hard time understanding intentions behind people's actions, then sometimes whenever people ask me questions I take a long time to respond and I don't want them to feel awkawrd so I just force myself to say something even though I don't mean it. Even if there was a cure I still think it would not help me as much. I don't even know who I am these days. One moment I'm a different person that is high function and then other part I am someone who is just sad all the time. I have this bad habit of rambling on and I don't know what I'm talking about most of the time.