Living Situations and Age Topic

[nightglow]

I was browsing around on twitter today and I came across a thread talking about living situations and age. The biggest one was being 18+ or 20+ and still living with your parents all the way up to the 40s. Whether you were in college or not. Or getting married and then moving parents in with you.

In the Usa it is "the norm" to move out of you parent's house around 18 to 25 years old. And it is generally frowned upon otherwise. And often if you are in your 30s you may get some judgy looks or comments. It is seen as laziness or irresponsibility. While in some other cultures or countries it is the norm to be married and still live with family or not leave your parents until you get married, or if you stay single live with your parents anyway. Many cultures are about having more than one generation living under the same roof. It makes since in a financial standpoint, and caring for members of the family. I know times have changed in the US where more people are living with their parents especially in their 20s because of college but I just found the topic interesting.

Some people were connecting shaming living situations and age to just a USA thing. Or a capitalism thing. Or shaming living with family/parents as a racist thing or just shaming the idea of living with your parents as racist. (which obviously you shouldn't shame people, but I thought it was an interesting note that certain cultures even when in the USA are pro family living together). I want to personally note, that I remember alot of older sitcoms having negativity thrown at the idea of being an adult and living with parents or being socially undesirable.

There are many reasons as to why someone maybe living with parents. Finding a trustworthy roommate can be tough, disability, parental/grandparental care, loneliness, financial logic, cultural expectation, and sometimes it may just be by choice because they get along and are happy and there isn't anything wrong with that. In fact I often hear of stories around the holidays or winter time in general about elderly being all alone or losing whatever while still having kids alive and them regretting pushing their kids away from them. Or people in nursing homes being lonely. And I can't help but think well, maybe this age and living situation shaming thing started the path to where they find themselves now.

At one point a really long time ago, it was the norm to have more than one generation under one roof in USA but I am not sure why that changed.

Either way the thread went positively and encouraged people who found their selves being judged.

I am curious how many people have family that would have been fine with you staying with them. Because honestly there isn't too many people I know and some are super super strict about it. And I would like to hear your thoughts and perspectives on this topic in general.

 

[Midoriya]

I still live with my family at 24 and I don’t really care to be honest, nor do I have any other choice right now. I’ve always had a close bond with both my mom and dad, however, so they don’t mind. I’ve graduated from college already, and I do plan on moving out within the next couple years. The main obstacle right now is income, but that won’t be a problem in several years. Right now I’m just trying to find a career job, but it’s difficult when every company rejects you based on your disability (Aspergers/autism), even though that should, by law, be illegal. They do it anyway.

 

[Violet Witch]

I’m 34 and I still live at home with my mum and I know a number of people older than me who still lives with a parent too. I never judge those who are in the same living situation as me because everyone’s reasons are different. Some still think it’s normal (older generations especially) to be out the door and off to Uni or working full time once you reach the age of eighteen.

Yet as we know the cost of living is so expensive today, especially during the pandemic that has disrupted everyone’s lives in some form. Also times have changed and we shouldn’t be pressurising the next generation to a standard of living that isn’t always and easily achievable like it was years ago.

 

[daringred_]

i'm 22, still live with my parents and suspect i will for years to come even if we don't get along amazingly. for me, it's due to a combination of things -- my mental illness, my relationship and finances. i've never worked a day in my life due to my severe depression, and i couldn't financially support myself if i lived alone. my girlfriend and i are in a long distance relationship, so if we moved in together, it would have to be incredibly well coordinated, and we'd have to settle on where it would even be. the first time (and only) time i stayed with her when she was at university, i was so anxious and homesick that i had to leave a day early and was incredibly physically ill the entire trip back. (i almost threw up in a train station bathroom lol.) that means moving super far away probably wouldn't work well for me, regardless of my tense relationship with my family -- i'd want to be in an area i'm familiar with for comfort and security, but i wouldn't want to make my girlfriend move obscenely far away from her family so. it's tricky, but also not feasible at the moment anyway. then there's the big thing: being able to buy your own house in this economy is a nightmare. at best, we'd end up with an apartment, and i'm pretty sure even those are pricey. not to mention the ongoing pandemic and slight economic crisis as a result make it worse.

i don't judge anyone who lives with their parents, regardless of age, and i think it's stupid to do so. it's convenient, cheaper for everyone involved, less lonely and can be a great comfort for some people who either love their family or just get homesick easily etc. i'm always a bit ??? about parents who push their children to move out once they're "too old". not only are things vastly different since they were that age, especially in terms of cost and wages, but... do you not like them or something? (in terms of, y'know, children who aren't abusive, serious criminals or take advantage.) i get that they might want more privacy, but. children are a lifelong commitment, and everyone should seriously consider that before ever having any. as long as they're paying their way and doing their part, what harm does it do besides none? if anything, that eases the burden of rent or housekeeping off of them somewhat, which would be especially beneficial as they get older.

 

[Holla]

I still lived with my parents up until recently and I'm 25.

Housing is basically not affordable where I live with only one income so moving out on my own was a pipe dream. I didn't have any friends to split an apartment with either and that's not always the best idea to begin with.

My parents wanted me to move out but also weren't about to kick me out either as they knew I wasn't in a position to make a go of it on my own. Even with my bit above minimum wage job it would have been hard to just cover the basic expenses.

A year ago I met my S/O and everything has changed since then. Without him I would 100% still be at my parents today. I also appreciated that he didn't shame me when I was still living with them. He understood that It's a common problem and not really my own fault. I moved in with my S/O just before June last year.

 

[ams]

I lived with my dad until I was 28, which is when I graduated from med school. Even living at home I built up an unbelievable amount of debt, so I can’t imagine what that number would have been if I had also been paying rent. Most of my friends also lived at home during med school.

In my family/culture it’s typical to have your parents move in with you when they are older and need more help. My grandma lived with us growing up. I’m expecting that one day my dad will live with me and he’ll be more than welcome.

 

[Autumn247]

I lived with my mom until she passed away, when I was 21 years old. Then I ended up living on my own. I’m 27 now, I have schizoaffective disorder bipolar type (combo of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder basically) so it’s hard for me to work. I live in supportive housing because of my mental illness. So I have my own apartment but the rent is only 1/3rd of my income and I have a case manager and whatnot for support. I’m just getting ready to get into a vocational rehabilitation program hopefully to start working part-time soon (I’m on disability currently).

 

[slzzpz]

I'm 35 and live with my dad. We were estranged before moving in so it was a little bit odd to begin with. I could of lived on my own but he really needed the help.

I live in the USA but in my family (might be a culture thing) there was no pressure to move out as soon as you turned 18. No matter what, if you're not ready or you need help, family will be there.

 

[moo_nieu]

i moved out as soon as i could after high school due to my family not being a great environment for my mental health, but i had to move back after (surprise, surprise) starting college with poor mental health didnt work out. i worked full time until i could pay for my next school semester, and moved out as soon as i could (after about two years). i moved in with one of my best friends after we started dating in a house owned by his mom (and a couple roommates that were leasing). i was really fortunate with being able to move out so soon because without the extraordinary circumstances, i wouldnt have been able to afford it. i might be able to afford the apartment i live in now on my own since im moving to full-time soon, but i definitely would not have been able to afford the move from florida all the way to colorado (let alone drive the giant u-haul the whole way) without his help.

my parents definitely instilled the idea that kids should leave the nest as soon as possible after turning 18 into my brother and me since thats what they did at that age. my dad often made jokes about kicking us out the second we turned 18. pretty dark joke considering there are families who do that, but he wasnt serious. although he would never allow my brother or me to just live at home rent-free without doing anything to work towards a better future. my little brother (well i guess he will be turning 22 soon so not so little) still lives with my parents and only lived away from home his freshman year of college in the dorms. he thought it wasnt a good environment for him while still in school since there was a lot of pressure by his golf team buddies to party as much as possible and not care about school besides making high enough grades to keep playing, so my parents were very accepting and proud of him for making the choice to move back home. i think hes approaching his last year now (idk because hes taking a lot of extra credits to prolong his time in college to continue playing golf) and hes still living at home having a good time with friends and practice, working, and taking classes. if it werent for living at home i think he probably would have dropped out of school or been kicked out for lack of effort. he never liked school or saw much value in it since hes really into his sport and wants to make that his career.

so yeah, my family was one that heavily preferred kids moving out and becoming independent as soon as possible, but thats not the right move for everyone and they were understanding of it. i remember jokes or rude comments being made about people who still lived with their parents into their 30's and my parents insisting they would never allow that in their house, but i wonder how they feel about it now. especially when it comes to disabilities or financial hardship and with the world in the state it is at the moment due to covid, i would hope they have a more understanding perspective now.

i think its good to strive to be independent, but i do think the pressure to do so is too great for a lot of people. theres nothing wrong with taking a different life path or choosing to save early (which is probably the best choice to be honest) or being at home because job/school/whatever isnt lining up the way you need it to in order to move out. even with covid and the housing market being atrocious it seems like people can internalize that and feel guilty about not being at the point or place they expect/want to be. if youre reading this and living at home and feeling bad about it, i hope you can take a bit of this and cut yourself some slack because life is really hard and sometimes living at home is the best and smartest option to set yourself up for future success.

 

[Livia]

I'm in the US, 27, and still live with my parents. I probably always will live with them because I can't work or drive due to my various problems. I briefly lived in an apartment (that my parents were paying for) on my own while I went to university, but I still needed someone to take me shopping for groceries and other stuff. Then I dropped out of university because it was too stressful and had to come back home. I really liked living on my own, but it's never going to happen again.

 

[Croconaw]

I’m almost 24 years old and I still live with my dad. I don’t really care for the stigma. I’ve been trying to leave. It’s a bit more difficult for me because I want to move out of state rather than just finding an apartment here. I really do not like my birth state. I’m going to do things this year to try and make this leave possible.

I don’t think it’s fair to judge these people. You don’t know their living situations. They might be trying to leave. They might be unhappy. You don’t know their circumstances. I know you’re not judging — I’m referring to the Twitter post your referencing.

 

[easpa]

22 and living with my parents still. Had lived away from home for a couple years while i was in college, but the transition to remote learning with COVID kinda defeated the purpose of paying rent for a room in a city I had no need to be in :x Just finished my Masters this year and got a job in November but that's only a short-term contract, so I'm not really in any hurry to start renting again until I have money coming in on a permanent basis.

Really though, there isn't much of a stigma related to living in the family home as an adult in Ireland as the housing market is in shambles and rent is more expensive than it's ever been.

 

[Princess Mipha]

I know that my father wouldn't mind if I stayed a lot longer with him. My brother stayed as long as he pleased aswell. I however moved out the first day after my 18th birthday. I don't understand parents that are strict about that or get their pride hurt, because their kid is still living with them until a specific age. If my daugther needs a home until she's 30yo or whatever, she's more than welcome. All I want for her is to know that she is always welcome and safe with her parents. I could never kick her out just because she's 18+ (well, long time until then, but I already know I will never change my mind about that)

 

[LadyDestani]

I moved out as quickly as I could after high school because I was desperate to get away from my dysfunctional home life, but I don't judge others who still live with their parents. Every person and every situation is different and the world and economy are very different today from how they were when I moved out.

My brother lived with my parents until my dad forced him out at about 30. He didn't do it out of meanness or spite, but because he was trying to help him. My brother has a lot of severe mental illnesses and he was hoping to get him set up with a support network and help him gain independence before he and my mom passed away. Unfortunately, my dad passed away early last year and my brother has squandered almost every opportunity that my dad put in place for him. If he keeps on this path, he'll likely have to be hospitalized.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I think a parent's goal should be to help their children become independent, functioning adults to the best of their abilities. But there are times when that doesn't happen or times when it can't happen and then I think parents should support their children as best they can. I've just seen first hand what can happen when a parent dies and the child isn't prepared and it isn't pretty.

At one point a really long time ago, it was the norm to have more than one generation under one roof in USA but I am not sure why that changed.

I can speak about this specifically. I work in Long Term Care insurance and took a certification course that explained the shift in people taking in and caring for their elderly parents in the US versus the current need for Long Term Care. There were multiple reasons for the change and it started mostly around the 70's and early 80's.

1. People are living longer. Things were different back when people retired at 50 and lived to 65-70. They were largely able to care for themselves until closer to the end. With life spans now averaging closer to 80 and some people living well into their 90's, they are more likely to develop ailments and illnesses that make it much more difficult to care for them as they get older and they could live in that condition for a decade or more.

2. More people working outside the home. It used to be the norm for just the husband to work outside the home, but with the modern culture and economy most families will have both adults working and earning income now. That leaves no one at home during the day to care for an elderly parent and people are too exhausted when they get home.

3. Smaller families. Having 3, 4, 5 children or more was more common 50 years ago. Now, the trend is towards having 1 or 2 children or none. With more children, the burden (for lack of a better word) of caring for elderly parents could be split among more people, making it much more manageable.

Add to all of this how hectic life has become, an overall decline in mental health, and taking in even just one aging parent can be completely overwhelming for a couple depending on the circumstances.

 

[Megaroni]

Yeah this is so interesting to me. It's kind of bizarre seeing parents begging their children to move out at 18 while my family loves having me around so often. I had to move out of my parents house and one of their first responses was "I could never do that at your age." I think it's a little cruel to expect your kids to move out super young, unless it's cause of uncontrollable circumstances like money or time. If you're gonna have kids you need to accept the lifelong responsibility. If I had the option I would definitely live with my parents all through college, that would've been the best case scenario

 

[SinnerTheCat]

I had to move away from my family home because of university, but I plan on returning after I graduate since we have a pretty big house and I want to have contact with my parents as long as possible. I don't really see it as bad or weird since I'm just thinking realistically about my situation and how hard it is to find a good place to stay nowadays.
It's really all about your life situation I think!

 

[Millysaurusrexjr]

I'm 28, married, we are living with my MIL. It sucks but it is what it is. I really wish there wasn't a stigma, it makes no sense really.. We all help eachother out. We help pay the rent and bills. We help keep the place clean. And yet I have to feel ashamed and depressed and like a failure. I dream every day of when we finally get our own place, and can finally get a cat or two (current place does not allow them). And to just.. have my own space. But it's not gonna happen for a long time, probably.

 

[Shawna]

I am 23, my brother is 21 and we both still live with our dad. Even though I am a couple years older than my brother, my brother will probably move out before I do, because I have learning disabilities and special needs.

 

[amemome]

I'm in my late 20s and still living with my parents. It's culturally acceptible in my parents' culture -- expected until marriage or until a job takes you elsewhere in the world, but we're in the US where people are expected to be independent at 18. It's frustrating because I want to be independent but my parents seem to want us (the kids) to stay around. Not even necessarily for us to be starting out with savings and stuff but more to police what we do and who we hang out with, even though all of us are over 20. I like being at home because I can save money and get fed and housed for free, but also it's realy stifling and I feel like I'm years behind my friends when it comes to maturity and responsibility.

 

[Tao]

The UK is pretty similar in that the older you are, the more unacceptable it is to live with parents.

I lived with my mum until I was 27. Basically, I just couldn't afford not to, or at least my quality of living would be far worse to where there's really no incentive to move out. High rents, high and constantly raising living costs alongside a low and stagnating minimum wage means it was a choice between living hand to mouth wondering whether I can afford to pay the rent or living with my mum and at least being able to afford a preowned game occasionally.

The thing that changed? I got lucky and fell into a job that pays well. I live with my partner but I also earn enough to live comfortably on my own if I had to. That said, if I lost this job tomorrow I have no idea how I would pay the bills on minimum wage, let alone do much more than purely survive.


As far as I can tell , it's just not feasible for a lot of people to move out on their own and do more than just survive each month if they aren't earning significantly above the minimum wage. Any friends I have who have moved out are either living with other friends/partner and struggling or living entirely on their own and REALLY struggling.

It's not hard to see why we're expected to move out at 18 by our elders either. It's not that long ago you could afford a mortgage, car and yearly holidays on a single wage. Older generations don't get that the world doesn't work like that any more and to a certain degree, it's their fault by climbing the ladder and pulling it up with them. An aging population is obviously another factor, especially for house prices where the older generation are sitting on multiple £500,000 properties they bought for £2,000 50 years ago. They earned like £100 a week so obviously, here in 2022, we're privileged to be earning that in a day or two...Don't talk about inflation, they don't want to hear about that. Overpopulation doesn't help either. Sure, back then you could walk out of a job and have another the same day. Doesn't really work like that now where a job nobody wants has 100 applicants fighting for it.

And when I say older generations, I mostly mean people my mums age, late 40's and early 60's. My grandparents and others their age had many stories of living with large families, sharing basic things we take for granted such as the whole family sharing the same tin bath each night, saving up to go on a local holiday, renting a TV because it was too expensive to buy one. Meanwhile it's the people in my mums age group who got handed the world on a silver platter and refuse to believe they might have just been dealt a good hand who think everybody younger than them is just lazy and entitled.