KantoKraze
yes homo
it's definitely strange. feeling this way, seeing all these things, just.. being alive and loving these people around me.
band.
it's so strange, something i only thought i would join because it's a family tradition, i actually began to enjoy. last year was my first year in marching band, but i was thrown into pit because i came late.
this is truly what i consider my first year, however. my first year marching an instrument i absolutely love. it's great. such an amazing feeling being on the field and loving what i'm doing. sometimes i just smile at it, i cant help it.
but this year it wasn't all smiles and hard work..
it started back in december of 2014-- i became close friends with my section leader, Jacob. (17, 6', a senior. been in band for seven years, a strong and talented individual.) we bonded over the sound of music in jazz band, and he helped me learn how to really march. he was patient with me, which is good since i'm a slow learner. it took me a while to realize, but i fell in love with jacob. which was more confusing than it sounds, since i had been considered a lesbian for 5 years prior. i was terrified, unprepared for these damn feelings. we dated for two months after school ended, and we had fun over the summer. smoking weed, playing video games, we were young and dumb, definitely. our break up was hard and bitter, over the period of a week. even though he didn't treat me in a way i appreciated, i still respect him as a person.
[i remember a week before he asked me out i was sitting in the sax cubby, sobbing. i had missed practice the day before because my mom had me go the psychiatrist. i was scared and ****ed over. at first he passed me by, but then he came back. i knew it was him from his shoes-- when he kneeled over me and rubbed my elbow softly.
"what's wrong?"
i was reluctant at first, but he sat next to me and coaxed me into talking. i sputtered out meaningless words and nonsense to him, and somehow, he understood. he put his arm around me softly and pulled me into a hug. he smelled really nice, and i relaxed.
"keep your head above water, kid. it'll get better."]
band camp was hard. we were pushed to our limits and more. jacob was sick, constantly running off the field and throwing up, and running back to finish sets. it was awkward between us, to say the least. i took this time to get to know the others in my section.
Bellah. [16/ 5'2" / a sophomore.] she had been in band for three years, and was a good listener. we bonded over puns and paramore-- i enjoyed talking to her. she became like a mom to me, taking care of me and listening to everything i had to say. i learned to love bellah.
Hannah. [12 / 5'4" / a seventh grader.] We nicknamed her spunky because of her personality. she was very talented, but very energetic! she's hard to keep up with, is very violent, and bounces off the walls. she's sweet when you get to know her, and she's like a lil sister to me nowadays.
band camp really got to us all. it was the final day, and i awoke with a start. something had gone on the night before. everyone was on edge. i asked around, and discovered that several of our band members had been caught the night before smoking weed after curfew. that only meant one thing if our band director, mr.bateman, found out. expulsion.
i was terrified after i would out who had done it.
two flutes. one field commander. two clarinets. one saxophone.
jacob.
it rushed to our heads. all of us. i ran to bellah. we held each other close and awaited news from the parents. hayley's mom entered the room where i, bellah, and a few other band members sat, talking through the consequences.
we heard cries from the hallways as her head poked in.
"expulsion."
that's all she had to say as the blood rushed to my head-- tears streamed from my eyes and i stared at bellah with pure sadness.
"we don't have a section leader anymore."
we just cried. kept crying. the bus ride home was worse, but a little beautiful. we all held each other close, apologies, "no, you're fine"s, and songs. jacob called me up forward to sit with him as we hugged, and i felt him cry.
[keep your head above water, kid. it'll get better.]
days passed. i was worried about the state of the band. we were already a small band, we would have to get all new sets, all new everything.
i couldn't do anything.
i was powerless.
as always.
jacob texted me a few times.
"are you okay?"
"i guess. are you?"
"I'll be fine."
"i don't know what we're gonna do without you."
"be strong for me."
bellah relapsed.
my eating disorder worsened. i didn't eat for nine days. it was ****ing me over.
everything was.
i just wanted everything to stop.
no. i just wanted everything to reset.
tbc
band.
it's so strange, something i only thought i would join because it's a family tradition, i actually began to enjoy. last year was my first year in marching band, but i was thrown into pit because i came late.
this is truly what i consider my first year, however. my first year marching an instrument i absolutely love. it's great. such an amazing feeling being on the field and loving what i'm doing. sometimes i just smile at it, i cant help it.
but this year it wasn't all smiles and hard work..
it started back in december of 2014-- i became close friends with my section leader, Jacob. (17, 6', a senior. been in band for seven years, a strong and talented individual.) we bonded over the sound of music in jazz band, and he helped me learn how to really march. he was patient with me, which is good since i'm a slow learner. it took me a while to realize, but i fell in love with jacob. which was more confusing than it sounds, since i had been considered a lesbian for 5 years prior. i was terrified, unprepared for these damn feelings. we dated for two months after school ended, and we had fun over the summer. smoking weed, playing video games, we were young and dumb, definitely. our break up was hard and bitter, over the period of a week. even though he didn't treat me in a way i appreciated, i still respect him as a person.
[i remember a week before he asked me out i was sitting in the sax cubby, sobbing. i had missed practice the day before because my mom had me go the psychiatrist. i was scared and ****ed over. at first he passed me by, but then he came back. i knew it was him from his shoes-- when he kneeled over me and rubbed my elbow softly.
"what's wrong?"
i was reluctant at first, but he sat next to me and coaxed me into talking. i sputtered out meaningless words and nonsense to him, and somehow, he understood. he put his arm around me softly and pulled me into a hug. he smelled really nice, and i relaxed.
"keep your head above water, kid. it'll get better."]
band camp was hard. we were pushed to our limits and more. jacob was sick, constantly running off the field and throwing up, and running back to finish sets. it was awkward between us, to say the least. i took this time to get to know the others in my section.
Bellah. [16/ 5'2" / a sophomore.] she had been in band for three years, and was a good listener. we bonded over puns and paramore-- i enjoyed talking to her. she became like a mom to me, taking care of me and listening to everything i had to say. i learned to love bellah.
Hannah. [12 / 5'4" / a seventh grader.] We nicknamed her spunky because of her personality. she was very talented, but very energetic! she's hard to keep up with, is very violent, and bounces off the walls. she's sweet when you get to know her, and she's like a lil sister to me nowadays.
band camp really got to us all. it was the final day, and i awoke with a start. something had gone on the night before. everyone was on edge. i asked around, and discovered that several of our band members had been caught the night before smoking weed after curfew. that only meant one thing if our band director, mr.bateman, found out. expulsion.
i was terrified after i would out who had done it.
two flutes. one field commander. two clarinets. one saxophone.
jacob.
it rushed to our heads. all of us. i ran to bellah. we held each other close and awaited news from the parents. hayley's mom entered the room where i, bellah, and a few other band members sat, talking through the consequences.
we heard cries from the hallways as her head poked in.
"expulsion."
that's all she had to say as the blood rushed to my head-- tears streamed from my eyes and i stared at bellah with pure sadness.
"we don't have a section leader anymore."
we just cried. kept crying. the bus ride home was worse, but a little beautiful. we all held each other close, apologies, "no, you're fine"s, and songs. jacob called me up forward to sit with him as we hugged, and i felt him cry.
[keep your head above water, kid. it'll get better.]
days passed. i was worried about the state of the band. we were already a small band, we would have to get all new sets, all new everything.
i couldn't do anything.
i was powerless.
as always.
jacob texted me a few times.
"are you okay?"
"i guess. are you?"
"I'll be fine."
"i don't know what we're gonna do without you."
"be strong for me."
bellah relapsed.
my eating disorder worsened. i didn't eat for nine days. it was ****ing me over.
everything was.
i just wanted everything to stop.
no. i just wanted everything to reset.
tbc
