[Rovert]
I knew I should've stayed home today. I don't know if it was nerves or food poisoning, but from the moment I woke up I didn't feel well. I couldn't miss the first day of high school, though! I decided I'd have to eat something to calm my aching stomache.
I went to the refrigerator and pulled out a half gallon of milk. I twisted off the cap and put it up to my lips. "H-h-here goes nothing," I thought. I did it. I drank the entire carton. As I slammed it down on the counter, I suppressed a few worrying gags.
Proud of my achievement, I started casting around the kitchen for more gastrointestinal padding, I spotted a tin of steel-cut oatmeal. I grabbed a bowl and a measuring cup, and then measured out one whole cup of the delicious oats. I couldn't remember which direction the 2-to-1 ratio went. Was it two parts oats to one part water? That sounded right. I measured out a half cup of water and poured it over the oats. I tossed the bowl in the microwave and hit the "2" button. It lit up and began humming immediately. Our microwave has convenient presets, you see.
While the oats were cooking, I looked around for more food. There was a tantalizing can of corn on the counter, and I lunged for it like a leopard lunging at the muscular flank of a gazelle. That is what is called a simile. I learned that last year in eighth grade English. Their nickname for me in that class was "Rachel". I still don't know why. As my tingling hands closed around the can, flashes of eighth grade flew through my mind. That time I lost all of my incisors in a tetherball accident. That time I accidentally fondled my best friend Chris during a game of basketball. That time I incorrectly pronounced the capital of Scotland ("ee-den-berg.") That time I got a boner while doing the rope climb and was suspended for a week.
I'll show them.
I'll show all of them.
I grinned widely I sunk my teeth into the top of the can. My lack of incisors makes my mouth a perfect can opener. I gnawed steadily around the edges, circling the rim of the can. After a satisfying "tink', The can's lid was now completely separated from the rest of the can and it lay quietly on top of the lukewarm corn. I could see tiny bits of the golden deliciousness peeking up at me from the mangled edges of the lid. "Now is the time," I thought. I ate it. All of it. Can, lid, corn, Clostridium botulinum colony. Everything. I grunted loudly and stood there in a euphoria as I meditated on the morning's events so far.
DING!
I immediately dropped into a defensive stance I learned at karate. (I'm a fourth degree black belt.) I glanced wildly around the room, searching for the source of the menacing ding. I exhaled a wet sigh of relief when I realized it was just the microwave. Ha ha ha. I strode confidently over to it and karate kicked it open. I nearly screamed. Inside was my bowl, and inside my bowl was the driest, least delicious-looking oatmeal I had ever encountered in my long life of fourteen years. My eyes glowed red with anger. I gritted my teeth as the flashbacks returned. I went cross-eyed. There were two bowls of dry oatmeal in front of me, taunting me. "Ra-achel, Ra-achel!" they chanted. I could feel it coming again.
My heart skipped a beat. Then another. I blacked out.
I woke up what seemed like weeks later in the hallway in front of my locker. I glanced at the clock... oh no! I'm going to be late for first period! I grabbed my bookbag and started to dash down the hall. To my horror, I came to the sudden realization that I didn't know where my first class was! I saw an adult and dashed up to her. "Idunnowheretogohelpmewhatsmyfirstclass," I bellowed at her. She ignored me. I started pulling at her sweater, pleading with her to tell me where to go. She wouldn't even look at me. Tears welled up in my eyes. Why wouldn't she talk to me? I'm just a poor freshman on his first day in high school, won't someone give me a break? I started to cry. That's when I started to feel it. Before I could blink, I began heaving. Oh boy, here it comes. The woman finally turned to look at me. She started to say, "What did you say?" but she was cut off as I began projectile vomiting all over her sweater and face. I tried to clasp my hand over my mouth, but it was like trying to stop a firehose. Small streams of vomit burst from the spaces between my fingers. I couldn't keep it in. I let go, and like a hose that's been kinked I resumed vomiting with even greater force. The woman was knocked off her feet and I was sent flying backwards, landing on my back. I lay there in tears as I continued vomiting upwards, like a milky, corn-studded oatmeal Old Faithful. Every square inch of the ceiling and walls was covered in my spew. I tried to stand up, but slipped. I began sliding down the hall, propelled like a puck on an air hockey table, however I was sliding on a pocket of my own vomit. How embarrassing! I couldn't do anything. Slowly, after about four minutes of this insanity, my geyser petered out. I stood up.
Then I remembered. Ah yes, history with Ms. Paulson! Duh! I skipped off to class, glancing back at the mess I had made. "Hah, glad I'm not the ****ing janitor," I thought.