blackroserandom
Manderville Gentlewoman
My mind is working against me. My mother is coming back in less then a week and I cannot get a grip on my own mind. It sucks, some days it's so hard to get out of bed...my fiance has to drag me out of it. My diet has gone straight to the trash. I'm tired of lying in bed and I'm tired of getting out of it. I don't know how I'm gonna manage mom coming back. I mean I love her but peace is hard to come by when she's around. Judging my food intake, judging the volume at night, the place I park, what I'm doing, why don't I have a job. And the future scares me, my dad's gone and when mom is gone, where will I go? What will I do with myself? Would I even survive? I have a degree but I don't want anything to do with the field anymore.
And literally everything makes me overthink and worry so much, I can't not just sit here. Driving somewhere new, things, life, reality. I just can't. I spent all my life making my parents happy and now that I have mostly just me, me to worry about, me to fix, I don't know what to do with me. I don't like me, I don't like any of this. I hate seeing the empty chair where Dad used to sit, my mother's bedroom without the double bed for them to sleep on. The cheeky laugh and I know Dad would help me through anything. And he's been gone for almost 2 years now and it still hurts, I still think about it daily. He doesn't speak in my dreams and I fear the day I forget his voice. Everything just sucks even though it doesn't and I can't make any sense of it. The therapists I've been to, they tried to get me thinking that depression didn't really exist. I'm just at a constant loss of what to do, why to keep going but for some reason I keep going. But it's more like a flop around than a sturdy walk. Like a silly ball in a bouncy castle, just at the complete mercy of where I land and bounce to next. I'm just constantly tired. It's as my father said: "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired."
And saving grace, I honestly don't know where I'd be without my fiance dragging me from my personal hell time and time again. I know he's exhausted, I know he hurts but I just can't sometimes and that sucks.
And literally everything makes me overthink and worry so much, I can't not just sit here. Driving somewhere new, things, life, reality. I just can't. I spent all my life making my parents happy and now that I have mostly just me, me to worry about, me to fix, I don't know what to do with me. I don't like me, I don't like any of this. I hate seeing the empty chair where Dad used to sit, my mother's bedroom without the double bed for them to sleep on. The cheeky laugh and I know Dad would help me through anything. And he's been gone for almost 2 years now and it still hurts, I still think about it daily. He doesn't speak in my dreams and I fear the day I forget his voice. Everything just sucks even though it doesn't and I can't make any sense of it. The therapists I've been to, they tried to get me thinking that depression didn't really exist. I'm just at a constant loss of what to do, why to keep going but for some reason I keep going. But it's more like a flop around than a sturdy walk. Like a silly ball in a bouncy castle, just at the complete mercy of where I land and bounce to next. I'm just constantly tired. It's as my father said: "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired."
And saving grace, I honestly don't know where I'd be without my fiance dragging me from my personal hell time and time again. I know he's exhausted, I know he hurts but I just can't sometimes and that sucks.
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