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What's Bothering You?

I had a BPD episode last night but it only lasted a few hours. I ended up sleeping it off. I know what triggered it, but thankfully I didn’t overreact. It was my first one in a while. It’s been a few months, at least.

I’m still proud of myself for going that long. Sort of related, but I think I feel a new favorite person coming along. However, I’m consciously aware of this. I kept going out of my way to talk to her. The good thing is that we don’t work at the same job, so it doesn’t negatively affect my work. But she goes out to eat at my work often, at least when I work, so… I’m doing my best to maintain a regular friendship with her, though. I’m just happy to have a friend outside of where I work, tbh.
 
The world is too loud.

I shut the windows and door to minimise noise, but I can still hear people.

But the problem is it's also too warm. So I can only keep them closed to a point, then I need to open them again. But when I open the window the noise increases again and the blind moves creating an incessant, irritating noise. And if I open the door to the corridor it creaks because of the breeze.

I've tried to drown it out with earphones, but music is also bothering me. I just want silence.

I've even had to turn off the aquarium pump I'm using to aerate algae cultures because the sound is grating. Most of the time I don't even notice it - it's white noise.

30 minutes until I can go home. It's dragging so slowly.

I was supposed to be going to an event at a local bar tonight but I think I'll be giving it a miss. The venue tends to get quite busy and the music is always too loud there. Quiet night at home it is.
 
There are a LOT of things fustrating me right now, but I am extremely stressed over my admin course and what the heck can I even do now.
They give me 'workbook,' which what I've been doing it putting down notes from said workbook to answer the question, yet I didn't see a doc my teacher gave me, saying dont really write or plagurise from the work book, write it in your own words.

But what really irritates me is that they want me to explain it the best I can and I write how they've explained it in the workbook???? I do not want them to just give me back the work. I have been trying to make it completely like the workbook, but I am ust SO CONFUSED

I dont even want to ask my teacher because ive already asked him someone already and I ahven't gotten a reply back about it, there's a number, but im not calling, i just can't do that

What's worse I am on Q10 and still have like 40 questions to do. I dont understand anymore. It even says to put in examples from your own but I have no experience at all!!

I might try and ask my friend who im meeting up because im so done now.
 
This is merely from my bubble of thoughts. I was recounting my experiences today after stumbling onto a reddit post.

Whenever there's a tragedy, a group of people will always crop up and try to discredit it. I'm not sure if it's a need to feel contradictory, different, a cry for attention, or purely because people desire to say cruel things and not care.

As background: A few years ago, I lived through a shooting at my high school. The ordeal spread to mainstream news and social media. I remember some of the comments being rather disgusting.

"Crisis actors" and "Another staged massacre" are what had been written. Those comments are evil. Insensitive. Harmful. Frustrating.

Because the reality is that these comments are not promoting a point. They are mocking the children who don't return home. Including my own peers who had been wounded or killed. Who I have stood over at the grave. Reality is not always a conspiracy fantasy.

I'm glad these types are usually banished from having a platform.
 
I finally told my ex (my friend?) how I feel and how he’s hurt me. I needed to, because I can’t feel like this anymore. I deserve to be heard. I don’t want to carry this hurt with me just to make myself convenient or easy to love. I don’t want to be easy to love if it means I let the people who are supposed to love me hurt me.

I’m so scared of how he’ll respond. I’m not even sure how I want him to respond. I don’t want an apology, because what will that do? Everything’s already happened. He can’t take any of it back. I just need things to change. I just need him to know that he’s hurt me. I want him to care that he’s hurt me.
 
I’m frustrated with my inability to read the mood, my struggle with humor and understanding it. I feel kinda lonely and still hurting about a few things (in addition to my best friend never being here anymore). Anxiety sucks. 😔

Edit: I’m feeling better, though I still am a bit worried about my humor.

Earlier I had a big scare.
Jewels got her head stuck between the handles of a bag that my mom or nieces left lying on the floor. Good thing I was there otherwise she could’ve died. I have told my mom before about the handles on bags like this needing to be cut too 😔.
 
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Croconaw said:
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I appreciate the response, but me telling him that he’s hurt me is me letting it go. It’s me standing up for myself, which I’ve failed to do with every person in my life for a long time. I’ve been carrying this hurt with me without saying anything for over a year now, and it’s gotten to the point where it’s making me physically sick.

I’m not asking anything of him, and I told him that. I’m not over here begging him to change or treat me right. I told him that he hurt me, because before tonight, I never have. Ever. I’m having a conversation that I honestly should’ve had over a year ago tonight, because I let things slide then and I stayed quiet. And maybe you’re right that he should’ve realized that he hurt me on his own, or just not done/said the things that hurt me in the first place. I don’t believe things are always that simple, though. We are an entirely online, long distance relationship. The only cues he has from me are the ones that I tell him, and before tonight, those cues were that I was not hurt and everything was fine. Relationships like this take a lot of work and open, honest communication, and we’ve both sucked. He’s not entirely bad, and I’m not entirely innocent. We both played a part in us getting here.

I’m not willing to flush almost 7 years of friendship down the drain without a conversation, and this is me starting that conversation. I’m willing to try and work through this if he is, but in order for that to happen, everything needs to be on the table. And that included me telling him that he hurt me for the first time. I didn’t tell him he hurt me because I’m trying to change him. I told him for me, because I’m trying to change me. It’s been instilled in me that every time something hurts me, it’s because I’m over dramatic and over sensitive and I’m always “making something out of nothing”, so I stopped trying to tell people how I feel and started bottling things up. That’s not how I want to live. I told him he hurt me for me. If we can work through this, great. If not, I finally said what I needed to say and I stood up for myself and my peace. I’ve realized that I can do that and I deserve to do that, no matter who it’s with or what the situation is. It’s not about changing people, it’s about my own peace.
 
I have quite the vent, I've talked about this before on other forums so I'll keep it short.

Right now, I am dealing with the possibility of being kicked out in 6 months. And I'm disabled, so I'm unable to work unless it's an online job of some sort. Which I'm currently having no luck with, no matter how much I apply to anything. I have tried getting on disability before (tried since I was 16 in fact), but I've been denied because I am (1) considered 'too young' to be this disabled or (2) my brother makes 'too much' from his work for me to qualify for anything. And it sucks, because my state is supposed to be one of the 'easier' ones to get disability in and I live in a dead-end town (90% heavy lifting, customer service, and requiring a car). So I'm stuck trying to find a job that I can do even with my disabilities, all the while I'm scared I'll be homeless by autumn.

I'm just so scared, with the state of how things are now I fear I may not make it on my own. I still live with my brother (he has a job), but he is so stressed out that he feels I am 'manipulating' him into 'living it easy' rather than 'being an adult' and getting myself a job. Even his work buddies said I should only be given three months to find something, but he wanted to give me some space to process everything and he knows 3 months means nothing when you are job searching so I get a whole six months instead. But it isn't helping my anxiety at all, I've been crying every single day as I've tried to avoid scams and just reach out to try and find some kind of job I can hopefully get before the deadline.

In case anyone is wondering, I have quite a few mental disabilities and a chronic heart condition. And trust me, I've tried re-applying for disability at least once ever 2-3 years now and even trying to find resources that may help get my foot in the door to get at least a small amount of the accommodations I need. But I haven't been lucky at all, and I'm all on my own to figure this out. I'm not that smart, I am a bit slow and don't understand some things unless I get a full in-depth explanation. Plus, I know they factor in my age and biological gender (afab) which I have heard is very common for those who are trying to apply. And I don't wanna have to wait 6-12 months to see if I'll be denied or not, I do not have the time for that anymore.
 
VampireSenpaii said:
I have quite the vent, I've talked about this before on other forums so I'll keep it short.

Right now, I am dealing with the possibility of being kicked out in 6 months. And I'm disabled, so I'm unable to work unless it's an online job of some sort. Which I'm currently having no luck with, no matter how much I apply to anything. I have tried getting on disability before (tried since I was 16 in fact), but I've been denied because I am (1) considered 'too young' to be this disabled or (2) my brother makes 'too much' from his work for me to qualify for anything. And it sucks, because my state is supposed to be one of the 'easier' ones to get disability in and I live in a dead-end town (90% heavy lifting, customer service, and requiring a car). So I'm stuck trying to find a job that I can do even with my disabilities, all the while I'm scared I'll be homeless by autumn.

I'm just so scared, with the state of how things are now I fear I may not make it on my own. I still live with my brother (he has a job), but he is so stressed out that he feels I am 'manipulating' him into 'living it easy' rather than 'being an adult' and getting myself a job. Even his work buddies said I should only be given three months to find something, but he wanted to give me some space to process everything and he knows 3 months means nothing when you are job searching so I get a whole six months instead. But it isn't helping my anxiety at all, I've been crying every single day as I've tried to avoid scams and just reach out to try and find some kind of job I can hopefully get before the deadline.

In case anyone is wondering, I have quite a few mental disabilities and a chronic heart condition. And trust me, I've tried re-applying for disability at least once ever 2-3 years now and even trying to find resources that may help get my foot in the door to get at least a small amount of the accommodations I need. But I haven't been lucky at all, and I'm all on my own to figure this out. I'm not that smart, I am a bit slow and don't understand some things unless I get a full in-depth explanation. Plus, I know they factor in my age and biological gender (afab) which I have heard is very common for those who are trying to apply. And I don't wanna have to wait 6-12 months to see if I'll be denied or not, I do not have the time for that anymore.
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Is there any sort of citizens advice bureau you could contact to figure things out, or that you can show doucment proof so they don't think you're just trying to get on disability because of 'laziness'
Is there a way to talk to a GP/doctors and get it in writing what things you have to avoid. Job wise, manual labour etc
If you have any proof, an email for example, of the jobs you've been trying to apply for, that at least shows you're trying. I dunno if this is of any help, but I've helped people in the past with their CV or writing cover letters, or anything like that, so if there's any help in that situation, let me know and I'll see if I can help.

I don't get why people take in advance that a family member makes this much, so there's no reason to help. That makes no sense to me.

Sorry if any of this isn't of any help. It just fustrates me when there are things that could help people with disability, yet they make it so hard for people to access it.
I wish you all the luck, just keep trying. Emailing, sending letters, phone calls, don't make them forget about you.
 
Giddy said:
Is there any sort of citizens advice bureau you could contact to figure things out, or that you can show doucment proof so they don't think you're just trying to get on disability because of 'laziness'
Is there a way to talk to a GP/doctors and get it in writing what things you have to avoid. Job wise, manual labour etc
If you have any proof, an email for example, of the jobs you've been trying to apply for, that at least shows you're trying. I dunno if this is of any help, but I've helped people in the past with their CV or writing cover letters, or anything like that, so if there's any help in that situation, let me know and I'll see if I can help.

I don't get why people take in advance that a family member makes this much, so there's no reason to help. That makes no sense to me.

Sorry if any of this isn't of any help. It just fustrates me when there are things that could help people with disability, yet they make it so hard for people to access it.
I wish you all the luck, just keep trying. Emailing, sending letters, phone calls, don't make them forget about you.
Click to expand...

I do have my documents, been saving them as best I can since the last time I saw my therapist. But I've shown everyone numerous times, even gave them photo copies several times over, and it still hasn't helped at all (I actually lost my documents last year because the folder got soaked and my brother threw them all out by 'accident - i.e. without my permission or informing me until I asked where they were). The closest I got was with my last doctor, they got my application seen in a month rather than six and it still got denied outright. I still fully believe I'm denied because I'm under 30, I am afab, and I have no work experience or highschool degree. My mom had the exact same issues I do right now health-wise, and they never believed her - she was 45 when she passed, and they could 'never figure out' why she was so sick or how she exactly died despite having the documents showing her health was hanging on by a threat.

They already have that down in my records, even said that I most likely (like 90% sure) that I need a caretaker to help me with just my mental disabilities alone. And I was so close to getting one...until I was denied disability, and it was too long since I last talked to my caseworker at the time so that was taken away from me too. So my doctor knows full well that I am not mentally stable enough to care for myself, but their word/guidance wasn't enough to push me through. After that, I just gave up. That time was the closest I ever got to getting my goal, and it crushed me so badly I 100% believe it made my mental health even worse than before.

I use OneTab on my laptop to keep track of all those jobs specifically (mostly so I don't forget but also to show proof), at the moment I only have two because the rest were either scams or the sites they led me to were so confusing I just gave up trying applying to that job. Currently, I've applied to two AI writing jobs - one is for subtitle writing, and the other is algorithm learning. The latter was a reference that a kind soul on TikTok gave me, but for both they have a very low acceptance rate and I have to wait for an email from either to see if I was accepted or not (they don't send an email if I was denied). These are the kinds of jobs I can realistically do, and it's still so hard and I'm scared that I will never get accepted for these kinds of jobs at all.

Are you asking why my brother isn't 'helping' me? Because if you are, I can explain his reasoning for it - he just doesn't want to waste more energy on me. Not only is he autistic, but he has his night job at the factory and his partner only comes on the weekends. And I will admit, I am not the easiest to be around...my issues really get in the way of everything, I have a hard time keeping up chores and I always complain or say something depressing/morbid. Plus, I believe I am some form of hypochondriac (I get so easily paranoid and have a 'fear of failure' type phobia that is so ingrained into me from my past trauma that it's how I deal with stress). I do understand he is helping me so much already (he pays for my food and keeps me living where I do now at least for the next six months), but now everyone is making me feel like I'm some narcissist who is 'using' my brother to get what I want. And it hurts, to hear everyone say I am being 'manipulative' when in reality they know I am mentally/physically disabled and need help.

I know, it really sucks. And the thing is, it really started with my ****ty landlord. The old ******* wanted me to 'get a job', so they didn't send in their part of the paperwork and that caused us (at the time it was just my mom and I) to have no money for almost 3-4 years. It was hell, and to this day that old idiot still wants me to 'get a job' - but they get paid by my brother, so they don't say **** to me or him anymore.

I really wish I just had someone here to help physically guide me, I have tried saying for years that I need that kind of help but no one understands or even cares enough to give me that. Yeah, I'm an adult. But I'm still mentally disabled, and I wish people didn't just outright think I'm lying 'for attention' or just laugh at me and say I am 'definitely not disabled' simply because I'm still walking and breathing/talking. And now I'm just gonna cry the rest of the night, this all brought up a lot of bad memories for me.
 
VampireSenpaii said:
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How much research have you done into employment programmes (particularly those aimed at disabled people) in your local area? A lot of people are unaware that there are programmes that exist to help get people into suitable work but they are out there.

I actually had to get help to find any myself because just the process of researching was overwhelming and made me feel a bit defective. 😅


A child is pretending to be a train outside my window. He is so high pitched. The hooting has been ongoing for 10+ minutes. I might actually need to request ear defenders from my employer at this point because drowning them out with music doesn't solve the problem / isn't always enough to block out the sound of screaming children. 🥲
 
Croconaw said:
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I just wanted to say that giving unsolicited advice kiiiiiinda isn't good, especially if you don't fully understand the situation. only Xara knows what is best for her, and I know as her friends it's in our nature to want to help her. but she can get through this, she's a strong and independent person, and unless she asks for advice then she probably understands that this is something she needs to figure out on her own. for now just leave her be. I know, having been in situations before where I felt like I needed to figure out stuff on my own, that having that indirect emotional support and validation from dear friends is more than enough. 💗

I realize that this in itself is kinda giving unsolicited advice, but sometimes giving advice without prior approval can be pretty damaging. and I don't want to come across as rude at all, please don't think that 🙂 I just want to say that it's best to ask if someone wants the advice of others before you say something of the sort.
 
boring said:
a friend of several years was antisemitic to me with the use of a certain symbol. i'm jewish. they knew.
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some ppl i know are defending that persons actions. lol. judaism isn't a joke, it is my culture and my identity, its who i am. how could you disrespect it like that?
 
my sleep schedule is very messed up because my stress is causing me to be tired and wide awake at inappropriate times. finally got out of bed yesterday at 11am and spent the entire day yawning and feeling tired, then suddenly bedtime comes and I lie awake in my bed tossing and turning for over two hours. 🥲

I just... don't want to be here right now. I really shouldn't go back to sleep but I definitely wish I could.
 
Stuff in the "news".
And,.. there is ALOT there. Nuclear nonsense, biowarfare creations, economic junk, new taxes on the tiniest of things, chip wars, oil wars, will families be have to have a place to live, food, or stay warm this winter, concerns about riots this summer. Yeah I could turn everything off and ignore it, but that doesn't stop it from happening or coming later this year and effecting all of us. I just want people to be able to live their lives but no, too much to ask. Everything has to be a demented circus anymore instead. I feel the worst for the youngest of people, not the older.
When was the best years anyway? It is sad to hear people point to a time period prior and say, hey that was the peak in usa.... but like, the peak for who? The peak about what? I mean, if we wrote everything down on paper, would x time period really would have been better than now? What if it is about the same, it is just that the problems looked a little different? Maybe the problems didn't effect you as an individual? Does things look better when we know how it ends? How much do we forget through time? Isn't it easier to forget things that we don't like vs what we like? Do we only look at what effects us as an individual only? And even if x time period really was a peak in usa... what about another country? What if it was their low and we caused that? Is there no concern or remorse for that? Is it just survival of the fittest or is it just the governments of the world's fault for competing rather than working together to have a little bit less of a living standard but less severe suffering? Is it the common man's fault for not force them to work together? Are people really categorized by an invisible price tag of their past present and future worth? Is there no recognition of a human life having any worth or value outside of a dollar sign? Is the majority of people really just seen as fart factories and purpose-less food consumers?
These kinds of things just seem louder in the media today to me than 10 years ago. Or even just 5 years ago really.
 
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