Felt kinda...sad today (I know huge shock I was sad). I'm just sittin' in Broadcasting class, and this one girl is like the absolute leader of the pack. She organizes everything, talks with everyone, goes to various places for stories and B-roll, and she just clicks with everyone. I look at her talking with the 'sub-leaders' of our group, and I think...how come she can just connect with anyone so easily without even trying? Nothing against her at all, I think she's great, but...I just gotta' know...how does she do it? Even more so, how do a LOT of people do it? She can literally just rest her head on this guy's shoulder and hug him and give him a back massage, and he likes it. Can get any girl whatsoever to talk about her feelings and bring people out of their shell and all she has to do...is pretty much say 'Hi'.
Again, I try so hard to do the same thing, to be a great and open person like her and many others I know...but it just never works. No one wants to stick around or even get close to me. I can't just rest my head on someone's shoulders and have it be ok. By then our whole relationship would collapse and that person would forever avoid me.
I know a lot of people say that it's just who i am and i can't change it. That if people feel this way about me, there's nothing i can do about it. Stop crying over spilled milk, as they say. Well, isn't anything possible? Can't i somehow change this? I just want to know how a person sees me. I want to know exactly why I'm such an eyesore to them and why i'm just not that person they're into. For years, i've been the lonely girl who watches all the fake fantasy romances that have both parties swooning over each other. Swearing their lives to each other forever and only thinking of them. I've heard that same old love song over and over again while looking up at the stars, watching for a shooting star to fly over me so i could wish my heart out for someone to hear. I've seen all of those cool movies where friends always stick together and look out for each other. I've seen all of those commercials and TV ads that have this happy couple smiling on it. All of my romances are in my head; just a dream, just a fantasy, just a wish. No one wonders why i was pretty much the only one who didn't go to homecoming.
It's been a lifelong dream of mine for someone to love me like in the movies. You know, getting nervous around me, wanting to write a letter, trying to get close and wants to know everything about me, just like how i've felt before. I've always wanted a guy to ask me out to homecoming or prom in a special way. Doesn't have to be fancy like limos or anything...just a simple poster, love letter, balloons, ANYTHING. Well...I've waited for years and years and when i finally hit that point in my life...my dream never came true. No matter how much wishing or trying i did...no one saw me in the light i had always wished them to see. I even asked some of them, 'what would you think of me as a girlfriend' or something along those lines (when i was friends with them of course). And they pretty much all said the same thing...'I just don't see you in that way. You are a good friend, though.'
I never understood that. To them, almost anyone was a possible candidate but me. ANY of their friends could almost easily be their girlfriend, except me. I was never really anyones type. But even besides that, I can't really seem to even click with anyone very well, like that girl i mentioned. I've got a close friend who's like a sister to me, but even with that, there are still gaps in our relationship that just cannot be filled. She could never fully understand how i feel about things, just like everyone else. There are a lot of things between us that are different.
I know...all my blogs are pretty depressing, and probably a bit whiny and super negative. Thing is, when i feel sad like this, it kinda helps to type it out and hopefully find someone who will read it and at least TRY to understand how i feel. To maybe reach out to those who might possibly feel the same way that i do, even though i kind of doubt it. It's better to try than to just let my feelings stay trapped in me and let it eat away at my soul. These are my true and deep feelings that i type on my blogs, every word of it. These are really the words that few people have bothered to hear in my life, or even cared to (i mean people in real life). Always so busy with something else that time cannot be wasted on me. I've nearly cried while typing this a few times because...these are my real feelings, and even though i've typed it out for everyone to see, it might still fall on deaf ears. Even so...it's better to try. I feel some sense of 'making my mark on the world' by typing out these blogs and letting people read them, no matter how depressing or dumb the words might be.
If you have read this all the way through, thank you very much for taking the time to listen to what i have to say. There are plenty of people out there who don't care at all about what i'm feeling or think that i'm just being too negative or whatever, and you reading this proves that my words were somewhat worthy of being read. Seeing the 20 views...then 30 views...then even the 90 views on my other blog makes me happy that people wanted to take a deeper look into my life a little bit. Even if it was by mistake somehow, it still feels great. So thanks. ^^ ~Lujei
Again, I try so hard to do the same thing, to be a great and open person like her and many others I know...but it just never works. No one wants to stick around or even get close to me. I can't just rest my head on someone's shoulders and have it be ok. By then our whole relationship would collapse and that person would forever avoid me.
I know a lot of people say that it's just who i am and i can't change it. That if people feel this way about me, there's nothing i can do about it. Stop crying over spilled milk, as they say. Well, isn't anything possible? Can't i somehow change this? I just want to know how a person sees me. I want to know exactly why I'm such an eyesore to them and why i'm just not that person they're into. For years, i've been the lonely girl who watches all the fake fantasy romances that have both parties swooning over each other. Swearing their lives to each other forever and only thinking of them. I've heard that same old love song over and over again while looking up at the stars, watching for a shooting star to fly over me so i could wish my heart out for someone to hear. I've seen all of those cool movies where friends always stick together and look out for each other. I've seen all of those commercials and TV ads that have this happy couple smiling on it. All of my romances are in my head; just a dream, just a fantasy, just a wish. No one wonders why i was pretty much the only one who didn't go to homecoming.
It's been a lifelong dream of mine for someone to love me like in the movies. You know, getting nervous around me, wanting to write a letter, trying to get close and wants to know everything about me, just like how i've felt before. I've always wanted a guy to ask me out to homecoming or prom in a special way. Doesn't have to be fancy like limos or anything...just a simple poster, love letter, balloons, ANYTHING. Well...I've waited for years and years and when i finally hit that point in my life...my dream never came true. No matter how much wishing or trying i did...no one saw me in the light i had always wished them to see. I even asked some of them, 'what would you think of me as a girlfriend' or something along those lines (when i was friends with them of course). And they pretty much all said the same thing...'I just don't see you in that way. You are a good friend, though.'
I never understood that. To them, almost anyone was a possible candidate but me. ANY of their friends could almost easily be their girlfriend, except me. I was never really anyones type. But even besides that, I can't really seem to even click with anyone very well, like that girl i mentioned. I've got a close friend who's like a sister to me, but even with that, there are still gaps in our relationship that just cannot be filled. She could never fully understand how i feel about things, just like everyone else. There are a lot of things between us that are different.
I know...all my blogs are pretty depressing, and probably a bit whiny and super negative. Thing is, when i feel sad like this, it kinda helps to type it out and hopefully find someone who will read it and at least TRY to understand how i feel. To maybe reach out to those who might possibly feel the same way that i do, even though i kind of doubt it. It's better to try than to just let my feelings stay trapped in me and let it eat away at my soul. These are my true and deep feelings that i type on my blogs, every word of it. These are really the words that few people have bothered to hear in my life, or even cared to (i mean people in real life). Always so busy with something else that time cannot be wasted on me. I've nearly cried while typing this a few times because...these are my real feelings, and even though i've typed it out for everyone to see, it might still fall on deaf ears. Even so...it's better to try. I feel some sense of 'making my mark on the world' by typing out these blogs and letting people read them, no matter how depressing or dumb the words might be.
If you have read this all the way through, thank you very much for taking the time to listen to what i have to say. There are plenty of people out there who don't care at all about what i'm feeling or think that i'm just being too negative or whatever, and you reading this proves that my words were somewhat worthy of being read. Seeing the 20 views...then 30 views...then even the 90 views on my other blog makes me happy that people wanted to take a deeper look into my life a little bit. Even if it was by mistake somehow, it still feels great. So thanks. ^^ ~Lujei
