Colour Bandit
Senior Member
Okay, I want you guys to tell me whether my OC is too much of a Mary-Sue. To do this I'm going to give you a preview of the Prologue and Chapter 1 (Chapter 1 will be shortened due to word limit).
(Complete version will be avaliable at a later date.)
Into the night.
Part of my Akatsuki series
Author’s Note:
In this story there will be some OCs (Well a few, but only one who stays throughout the story), sorry for a bit off OOC but Deidara is around six in this chapter so obviously there’ll be OOC and I put this down as a romance, but seriously that is for really late chapters and it’s not ‘We’ve only just met but we’re in love!!!’ type romance, it’s kind of like ‘your best friend is of the opposite gender and you’ve been together for a long time yet you just think of each other as brother/sister but you both need each other’ if you catch my drift…ah it seems your asleep…oh well, on with the story!!
Prologue.
Okay, I don’t really know how to do this, Leader-sama said that finding the source of my pain will more than likely soothe it. Well, pain is what you’re meant to feel when your first friend dies right in front of you, so I’ve decided to write this all down, maybe in a hundred years someone will find this and learn of my pain. Anyway, to get back on track, I suppose this really started on that night, before my family was killed, by me.
In the week before that I had met a man, who went by the name of ‘Madara’, he had told about my family’s Kekkei Genkai, the Endogan *(A/N: Endoresu (Shortened to Endo): Endless (At least according to Google translate)* and how to activate it. At that point I was only five years old and I was one of the most naïve people to have ever existed, so I went along with his plan.
By the end of the week the plan was set, I waited at home until my parents and brother arrived back, my parents were tired after a mission and my brother had returned from a day of training with his new genin team. I killed them all and with blood staining my hands other ninja-who had heard the fight, my mother had been screaming-began to fill the place, they all believed that I was innocent, after all I was only five, that I had hidden from the killer then discovered the bodies.
The only person who knew that I had committed the crime was my future sensei, the third Tsuchikage. I told him of how I was led into the plan by Madara; I was lucky that my punishment wasn’t death, it was exile, and well I say exile but the Kage had decided that with me being so young that my exile was to occur after my fifteenth birthday.
___________________________________________________________________________
Even though the Kage had kept my murderous side a secret other people shunned me, like I was a Jinchūriki, mainly because-as Madara had predicted-my Endogan had activated. At that point I did not know how to deactivate the Endogan, which was extremely dangerous. The Endogans purpose is to: 1) Analyse any living or inanimate object which possess any level of chakra,
2) Increase the speed of the user, mentally and physically, 3) When used it memorises ninjutsu and genjutsu which can then be used only when the Endogan is in use, 4) The user heals faster than normal, a sign of the faster healing is tears forming, the Endogan can also heal the user from blindness.
Well, let’s just say those uses have a major cost, when in use the Endogan produces chakra, which cannot be used for any kind of jutsu, the chakra tears at your organs ripping them to shreds, but luckily that takes a reasonable amount of time, in its early form it would take over a year of daily use with no breaks but in its final form it takes only a week.
The only way to avoid it is to dispel the chakra in one large burst. At that point I didn’t know how to shut it off so the chakra was building up and I didn’t even notice it.
Ah, looking back on this I’m starting to feel like I’m writing an analysis of my Kekkei Genkai, oops. So I guess I should get back on track.
___________________________________________________________________________
At the academy I had no friends, well before the murder I had no friends anyway, considering my parents weren’t even from Iwagakure, but that’s a story for later. So, I had no friends, but since the day I had entered the academy there had been one person who had…caught my attention, that person would eventually be my future partner in the Akatsuki-along with the Puppet Master, Sasori- and that person was Deidara.
The day that we returned back to the academy from our somewhat short summer break, was dull, no one approached me that day and everyone kept giving me a cautious glance, like they thought I was going to explode right in front of them. At lunch I leaned against the schools boundary wall, expecting no one to approach me, but then a small clay spider fell to ground next to my feet.
I picked it up, it was similar to the spiders which my family were famous signing a summoning contract with. I glanced up and saw Deidara sitting up on the wall while holding a ball of clay.
“You need a friend, un.” Deidara smiled down from his perch, I frowned. “I mean, you take being cool the wrong way.” I raised an eyebrow.
“And how does not talking to anyone mean that I’m not cool? Plus, how did you make the spider?”
Deidara smiled, “It’s simple really, to be cool you have to talk less, basically being cool is an art.” He jumped down from the wall, “And if you want to learn how to be cool, just stick with me, un!”
Deidara stated to walk away, I trotted after him obediently. “What’s your name anyway, un?” I sweat dropped.
“We’ve been in the same class for a year and you don’t bother to remember my name?!”
“I didn’t think I need to remember it.”
“Emi Sasaki, please remember it.” I grumbled.
I glanced down at the clay spider, which I was still holding and smiled, today I had taken the first step of rebuilding my life.
Part of my Akatsuki series
Author’s Note:
In this story there will be some OCs (Well a few, but only one who stays throughout the story), sorry for a bit off OOC but Deidara is around six in this chapter so obviously there’ll be OOC and I put this down as a romance, but seriously that is for really late chapters and it’s not ‘We’ve only just met but we’re in love!!!’ type romance, it’s kind of like ‘your best friend is of the opposite gender and you’ve been together for a long time yet you just think of each other as brother/sister but you both need each other’ if you catch my drift…ah it seems your asleep…oh well, on with the story!!
Prologue.
Okay, I don’t really know how to do this, Leader-sama said that finding the source of my pain will more than likely soothe it. Well, pain is what you’re meant to feel when your first friend dies right in front of you, so I’ve decided to write this all down, maybe in a hundred years someone will find this and learn of my pain. Anyway, to get back on track, I suppose this really started on that night, before my family was killed, by me.
In the week before that I had met a man, who went by the name of ‘Madara’, he had told about my family’s Kekkei Genkai, the Endogan *(A/N: Endoresu (Shortened to Endo): Endless (At least according to Google translate)* and how to activate it. At that point I was only five years old and I was one of the most naïve people to have ever existed, so I went along with his plan.
By the end of the week the plan was set, I waited at home until my parents and brother arrived back, my parents were tired after a mission and my brother had returned from a day of training with his new genin team. I killed them all and with blood staining my hands other ninja-who had heard the fight, my mother had been screaming-began to fill the place, they all believed that I was innocent, after all I was only five, that I had hidden from the killer then discovered the bodies.
The only person who knew that I had committed the crime was my future sensei, the third Tsuchikage. I told him of how I was led into the plan by Madara; I was lucky that my punishment wasn’t death, it was exile, and well I say exile but the Kage had decided that with me being so young that my exile was to occur after my fifteenth birthday.
___________________________________________________________________________
Even though the Kage had kept my murderous side a secret other people shunned me, like I was a Jinchūriki, mainly because-as Madara had predicted-my Endogan had activated. At that point I did not know how to deactivate the Endogan, which was extremely dangerous. The Endogans purpose is to: 1) Analyse any living or inanimate object which possess any level of chakra,
2) Increase the speed of the user, mentally and physically, 3) When used it memorises ninjutsu and genjutsu which can then be used only when the Endogan is in use, 4) The user heals faster than normal, a sign of the faster healing is tears forming, the Endogan can also heal the user from blindness.
Well, let’s just say those uses have a major cost, when in use the Endogan produces chakra, which cannot be used for any kind of jutsu, the chakra tears at your organs ripping them to shreds, but luckily that takes a reasonable amount of time, in its early form it would take over a year of daily use with no breaks but in its final form it takes only a week.
The only way to avoid it is to dispel the chakra in one large burst. At that point I didn’t know how to shut it off so the chakra was building up and I didn’t even notice it.
Ah, looking back on this I’m starting to feel like I’m writing an analysis of my Kekkei Genkai, oops. So I guess I should get back on track.
___________________________________________________________________________
At the academy I had no friends, well before the murder I had no friends anyway, considering my parents weren’t even from Iwagakure, but that’s a story for later. So, I had no friends, but since the day I had entered the academy there had been one person who had…caught my attention, that person would eventually be my future partner in the Akatsuki-along with the Puppet Master, Sasori- and that person was Deidara.
The day that we returned back to the academy from our somewhat short summer break, was dull, no one approached me that day and everyone kept giving me a cautious glance, like they thought I was going to explode right in front of them. At lunch I leaned against the schools boundary wall, expecting no one to approach me, but then a small clay spider fell to ground next to my feet.
I picked it up, it was similar to the spiders which my family were famous signing a summoning contract with. I glanced up and saw Deidara sitting up on the wall while holding a ball of clay.
“You need a friend, un.” Deidara smiled down from his perch, I frowned. “I mean, you take being cool the wrong way.” I raised an eyebrow.
“And how does not talking to anyone mean that I’m not cool? Plus, how did you make the spider?”
Deidara smiled, “It’s simple really, to be cool you have to talk less, basically being cool is an art.” He jumped down from the wall, “And if you want to learn how to be cool, just stick with me, un!”
Deidara stated to walk away, I trotted after him obediently. “What’s your name anyway, un?” I sweat dropped.
“We’ve been in the same class for a year and you don’t bother to remember my name?!”
“I didn’t think I need to remember it.”
“Emi Sasaki, please remember it.” I grumbled.
I glanced down at the clay spider, which I was still holding and smiled, today I had taken the first step of rebuilding my life.
(Complete version will be avaliable at a later date.)
Author’s Note:
So, yeah I've included a small character description in this chapter mainly because WE HAVE A TIME SKIP (Of a few months)!!!! Now before you come at me with pitchforks and burning torches, parts of Deidara and Emi’s childhood will be explained at the beginning of this chapter and in one of my amazing filler chapters!! AKA an Interlude. Plus other OCs are introduced in this chapter…even though it’s unlikely they’ll make a comeback in any other chapters.
ENJOY!!!!
Chapter 1
Well, I suppose there’s not much left to say about my childhood, except I haven’t really explained about how I’m still here…considering that I just wrote and I quote “At that point I did not know how to deactivate the Endogan, which was extremely dangerous… At that point I didn’t know how to shut it off so the chakra was building up and I didn’t even notice it.” I did say ‘At that point’ a lot. Anyway, I’m still alive around fourteen years later, give or take, but I was lucky.
A few months after becoming friends with Deidara my health started to degenerate, I still owe the Medical-nin for spotting the cause of my illness. My Endogan had been on constantly for three months, again give or take, so the chakra produced was starting to bite into my organs.
The aforementioned Medical-nin had taken it upon himself to report this ‘illness’ to the Tsuchikage, who had sent a message to the village of Tanigakure, located in the Land of Rivers, where my Clan resided (Which my mother ran away from and subsequently met my father, but, as I’ve said before, that’s a story for another time.).
They responded quickly, sending their reply on a spider’s back, or so I was told. They sent one of their best healers, my cousin, Yuuka. She arrived a day after the reply and was quick to find me in the depths of the Hospital. Naturally I was unconscious at the time, but Yuuka told me that over the time it took to heal me Deidara had come to visit me every day after school, with bundles of notes and homework for me.
___________________________________________________________________________
Yuuka’s POV.
“We have just received word of Emi’s status. She is currently suffering from a chakra overload in the hospital located in Iwagakure.” My grandfather, Itsuki, sniffed throwing me a thin scroll, “The Tsuchikage has requested that we send a medical-nin immediately, as he believes that Emi will not last much longer than a week-”
“A week?! She is only on level one, isn’t she? How old is she? You’re skipping any vital information!” I responded glaring down at the scroll, “Plus I only just got back from a mission, why not send Michi?!” Itsuki sighed in exasperation.
“He is also out on a mission and I’ve already sent our response. We do not want to lose her, Yuuka, as much as I hated her father there is a chance that her blood holds his gene which we need. Now please go.”
I nodded in defeat and turned to leave.
“There is one more thing you must know.”
“What? I’m kind of leaving now, Ojī-san!” I snapped; there is one thing that I strongly dislike, when people tell you to do something but then hold you up by starting up another conversation with you.
“Emi is a killer. She is the one who killed your aunt, but don’t judge her. If we show that we care for her she may return to us.” My jaw dropped, but I carried on walking, tightening my forehead protector as I went.
So, yeah I've included a small character description in this chapter mainly because WE HAVE A TIME SKIP (Of a few months)!!!! Now before you come at me with pitchforks and burning torches, parts of Deidara and Emi’s childhood will be explained at the beginning of this chapter and in one of my amazing filler chapters!! AKA an Interlude. Plus other OCs are introduced in this chapter…even though it’s unlikely they’ll make a comeback in any other chapters.
ENJOY!!!!
Chapter 1
Well, I suppose there’s not much left to say about my childhood, except I haven’t really explained about how I’m still here…considering that I just wrote and I quote “At that point I did not know how to deactivate the Endogan, which was extremely dangerous… At that point I didn’t know how to shut it off so the chakra was building up and I didn’t even notice it.” I did say ‘At that point’ a lot. Anyway, I’m still alive around fourteen years later, give or take, but I was lucky.
A few months after becoming friends with Deidara my health started to degenerate, I still owe the Medical-nin for spotting the cause of my illness. My Endogan had been on constantly for three months, again give or take, so the chakra produced was starting to bite into my organs.
The aforementioned Medical-nin had taken it upon himself to report this ‘illness’ to the Tsuchikage, who had sent a message to the village of Tanigakure, located in the Land of Rivers, where my Clan resided (Which my mother ran away from and subsequently met my father, but, as I’ve said before, that’s a story for another time.).
They responded quickly, sending their reply on a spider’s back, or so I was told. They sent one of their best healers, my cousin, Yuuka. She arrived a day after the reply and was quick to find me in the depths of the Hospital. Naturally I was unconscious at the time, but Yuuka told me that over the time it took to heal me Deidara had come to visit me every day after school, with bundles of notes and homework for me.
___________________________________________________________________________
Yuuka’s POV.
“We have just received word of Emi’s status. She is currently suffering from a chakra overload in the hospital located in Iwagakure.” My grandfather, Itsuki, sniffed throwing me a thin scroll, “The Tsuchikage has requested that we send a medical-nin immediately, as he believes that Emi will not last much longer than a week-”
“A week?! She is only on level one, isn’t she? How old is she? You’re skipping any vital information!” I responded glaring down at the scroll, “Plus I only just got back from a mission, why not send Michi?!” Itsuki sighed in exasperation.
“He is also out on a mission and I’ve already sent our response. We do not want to lose her, Yuuka, as much as I hated her father there is a chance that her blood holds his gene which we need. Now please go.”
I nodded in defeat and turned to leave.
“There is one more thing you must know.”
“What? I’m kind of leaving now, Ojī-san!” I snapped; there is one thing that I strongly dislike, when people tell you to do something but then hold you up by starting up another conversation with you.
“Emi is a killer. She is the one who killed your aunt, but don’t judge her. If we show that we care for her she may return to us.” My jaw dropped, but I carried on walking, tightening my forehead protector as I went.
