[Entry #03] Deep Reflection: Traumatic Gaming Experience

[Ryumia]

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I haven't wrote a blog in quite a while. Wanted to make some blog posts; however, I had lack the time and energy to do so. Though I think it is better to post a blog when you want to post one instead of forcing yourself to do that. That is why I am currently posting this blog. 'Cause I wanted to make one.

Topic for this blog is about my traumatic gaming experience when it came to TBT mafia. I'm not putting this up to hurt anyone in any shape or form. So... I don't want others to make an assumption to something that they do not know. Just wanted to do this to share what I went through when I was playing a TBT Mafia game. Sometimes I think it's better to be open with how you feel instead of bottling up inside. It's one way to move forward from what I went through. Don't want keep feeling this way forever.

To let you all know... The team I was playing for was for Town before I start the topic here.

During the start of the game that I played... I felt really awkward since I wasn't sure how to handle playing at the very start and I only knew what it was like to replace someone in a game. So... It was a different vibe for me. I decided to think of methods that I think I could use effectively to help the team that I was on during that time. I found an interesting method called townhunting. It is a method where one tries to identify enough townies in order to find the mafia team. I thought this method would help me assist the town since scumhunting doesn't seem like it would work for me anyways. Finding an alternative method was what I needed to play the game. Plus... Scumhunting isn't even a mandatory tactic to use when playing mafia. I knew this fact even before playing my first TBT mafia game. Pretty neat, huh?

Over the course of the game... I felt the unneeded pressure to use a "status quo method" to play a game. It made me feel like I had to be an "artificial intelligence" to actual play. Having to feel and do things so robotically. Like using game mechanics that I didn't even want to use at all. It just felt like sacrificing what one wants to do in order to make other people happy. Sometimes I had wondered during the game if it was wrong to be a little selfish when I spoke up about wanting to play my way. 'Cause I don't have an answer towards that. All I really wanted to do while playing the game was to feel like I was actually playing the game. It felt abnormal to me that I "have" to do certain things when it really wasn't mandatory.

To me... One of my greatest strengths in mafia is to use the rules against any opponent that dares to come at me. I realized from my first TBT Mafia game that the rules is a powerful weapon to use against someone. Trust me it is. Another one of mine is that I seem to do well in the defensive position instead of the offensive position. One other thing is that I also look at things in a philosophical way. Lastly, I work best hidden in the shadows instead of being in the limelight because I am well-aware that I am better off that way. I know myself better than any other person. Knowing my strengths and weaknesses towards the game.

The longer that I was in the game the more dreaded it felt for me. Feeling so numb and lifeless. I did what I had to do to try to keep going in game. Ended up pushing my physical health to the limit to still be there despite thinking that it would be better to just get out of it for my health. I didn't want to leave the game because I thought if I left then I would let my team down. I always felt so guilty whenever I didn't comply to something, so I just gave in and complied when asked. Only did so to not be a problematic variable in the game. Even then... I felt like no matter what I did it was only going to cause a problem whether I helped out or just stayed silent. It was a very troubling situation that I was in.

There was a question that popped up in my head when I was playing the game. The question was: "Well, are you interested in Mafia anymore?". That question was an obstacle that was in the way that prevented me from moving in the game and therefore I thought the best thing to do was to overcome it by answering it. When I originally answered it I said that I was; however, after everything that I went through alone in that game my answer had changed. When I put my truest feelings on the line I was worried that people would step all over it. If I were to have died at least I made sure to be honest with how I felt before my time would be up in the game. I was listening to this one song that felt comforting to me.

Down below is the song that I am referring to. I'm glad that I found it out of the blue.

[video=youtube;b0T6N6sevm4]https://youtu.be/b0T6N6sevm4[/video]​

Reason why it felt so comforting to me was because this song displayed how I felt during my darkest moments in the game. It felt really relatable that I couldn't help listening to it over and over again.

The deaths of my teammates that occurred in the game made me feel like it was actually my fault. Making me feel like I was a "monster" that hurts my team when I never meant to hurt them. It was a really heavy burdened on me. To deal with this dilemma on my own. The game made me feel so alone to the point I stop having faith in myself. It developed to a point where I was afraid that I'll hurt whoever was on my team if I had tried to assist in finding mafia. So... The best option for me at that point was to do nothing. I didn't have much of an option at that point. So... That's just what I did towards the end of the game. Basically... Nothing. Though my team ended up winning in the end, so I guess that's a bit of a plus.

To be honest... I felt like I could of played better if I wasn't guilt tripped in the game. I was messing up due to the added pressure that wasn't going to help me think faster. At least... I was able to guess the alignment of some people. That's something to feel proud of. Oh... Well. It is what it is.

This TBT Mafia game that I played showed me that I was quite incompatible with it. My point of view of the game just seems so different from others. But... I don't regret joining it because it taught me a valuable lesson in the process. My journey of TBT Mafia is over and I am really glad that it is.

Thanks for reading this if you did. It is something that I very much appreciate.

 

[Ghostkid]

you were doing fine in the game i hope u feel better soon

 

[Ryumia]

you were doing fine in the game i hope u feel better soon

Thanks, Ghostkid. That's what some had already said to me back on discord. I really appreciate it. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that.

 

[Ghostkid]

Its true tho you were doing fine