going away for college vs staying near home

[biibii]

Hello everyone!
I am currently facing quite the difficult situation. I am nearing the end of my first year, which I chose to do at home, and at the beginning of my second year I am supposed to transfer to the University of Texas. This is around 12 hours from home, so it is a big move. Of course, a lot of people for my high school went there and the school itself is awesome! But for now, I am feeling unsure.
For the cons:
To begin, my student debt. My debt over there as opposed to home would be about 2x as much, maybe 3. I am majoring in foreign affairs and global relations, with a double major in asian cultures and languages, so the thought of debt is really worrying to me. I would also need to pay thousands in rent a year (on campus is more expensive) and would need to do so by working pretty much full time as well as taking 12 credit hours of classes. Another topic that is causing me distress is my boyfriend of three years, I feel unsure of leaving him behind at home and it is tearing me up. There is no way he can come with me and recently the thought of me leaving puts a damper on all our days.
I am also scared of moving and being lonely. I have a hard time socializing and making friends irl as I believe I may be ND (currently in the process of seeking a diagnosis) and I have been this way since I was a child. I am afraid I will become one of those stories of people moving to college, making no friends, struggling and hating it, and having to move back home with massive debt behind them.
My anxiety is making me worry about ridiculous things. For example: What if my grandparents get sick and pass away while I am away? What happens if I get an anxiety attack or get extremely sick away from home? Will I be able to inject myself with my medicine without my mom?

As for the pros of moving:
I would be far away from my family, specifically my parents and younger sibling which I definitely do not have the most positive relationship with.
They have the major and program I want at the University of Texas.
Its a new opportunity with new people and places!

For now, I feel the cons are outweighing the pros. What is your perspective on my dilemma and what was your experience with college?

 

[Midoriya]

I voted “yes and I loved it,” but my situation is a peculiar one. I went away to a university that was only 30 minutes to an hour away from where I lived growing up, and so I wasn’t ever that far from home. I think there’s more cons than pros for you based on number, but the pros for you are really, really good so I’d definitely suggest moving there to get the full experience. Of course, the decision is ultimately up to you. I wish you the best with whatever you decide.

 

[tiffanistarr]

Let me tell you something, your worries and concerns for debt are completely valid and understandable. However, I didn’t go to art school in Chicago because my mom was sick and I regretted it for a long time. And you also probably don’t want to hear this but just my opinion, i don’t think it’s wise to base OR partly base such a huge decision on a relationship. I don’t know your relationship, but i do know that strong relationships are built up by letting the other person do what they need to do for them. Sometimes you get one chance and it’s worth taking pretty much every time. I’m not saying break up because i’ve seen a lot of long distance relationships work, but do not turn something away because of it.

Also, is there a reason the boyfriend hasn’t considered moving?

The only real major con that i see is the financial burden housing would place on you. Going to school and work full time is very hard and you will get burned out very fast.

Have you thought about going somewhere that will still get you out of your household but just not as expensive?

 

[Cadbberry]

Hi Biibii!

I know that the cons may seem to outway the pros right now, take it from someone who did the same thing to avoid the cons. I didn't want to leave behind my boyfriend of 1 year at the time, I didn't want to have the debt from going someplace bigger. I was scared of going somewhere and being alone. What if my grandparents get sick and pass away and no one can get me home? What happens if I get REALLY sick away from home?

My biggest regret of college, as a senior graduating this year, was not venturing and spreading my wings a little. I picked a local school, an hour's drive away. I got 2 years in the dorms, the best years getting to be away from my family just a little, but I was close enough to see them if I needed, and 2 years at home with my parents. I went through a lot of disasters that may make my college experience different- famous California wildfires to be exact- but I made that mistake. I looked for schools with small class sizes and I got into some pretty great schools. Sac State, Humbolt, and my regrettable application... Bakersfield. I let my fears control me and I turned down all of them for a local college. Instead of growing, I fell deeper into myself, my high school friends all moved away and I am the last one here. Everything tethering me to the school I picked slipped away and I realized I should have taken my shot and gone somewhere bigger and with stronger programs that I wanted, not what I was told was good enough for me.

There are so many scholarships out there, apply for everything you can, debt is scary. I wish there was an easier way to soothe that nerve, but if you can take on the debt and get the education you want, that can be worth it. I was very lucky that my tuition and classes were paid for by the VA since my Dad is an injured Vet. There are programs out there that can help!

I didn't really make friends, my roommates for the 2 years I was permitted to live on campus by my parents were not great. We were all opposites and no one really wanted me around. I tried to join clubs and I didn't fit in there either, I kept trying to make myself work. And I found out, I actually really didn't mind not having a lot of friends at school. But then something amazing happened, I joined a class for GE credit and managed to make a friend. We were not able to hang out much, but meeting up before class for a few hours and just chatting and laughing. I didn't try, I didn't even want it to happen but it did. It took me 3 years to get a friend who enjoyed my company and I didn't have to be someone else. That isn't to say I didn't meet great people along the way, but my message here is... be you and when it happens, when friends happen, you will smile and know it's okay.

Relationships come and they go, if you two are strong, a little distance won't be easy, but you can make it work. My partner of almost 3 years and I find a way to talk almost every night. Set that schedule into place. Discord calls, chatting, don't be afraid to find ways to make it work, because that's all a part of love, working together and finding a path forward.

If something happens like an emergency, you will be alerted. I stayed close to home, I was evacuated twice due to fires and my dog ended up passing away. And when I needed my parents through all of it, they were there, while I was living on campus or living at home. You may be hours away from home, but you are still Biibii. You are still just as important to your family and if something happens, I am sure your family will get you home.

Don't let your fear dictate where you go. If this is your gold opportunity take it. I regret not taking mine to go somewhere further, to find out more about myself instead of being forced to live back at home for 2 years. While it saves money, you lose out on an opportunity to grow and experience the education you truly wanted, so I say take your shot. Go to the University of Texas if they have your future there, that's what is going to make you happiest I think.

 

[Flyffel]

I voted "yes and I loved it" but I was in a completely different situation than you:
* I wanted to leave the country (Finland) anyway because of the weather and because it was boring to me, I moved back to Austria where I was born. (I moved back alone.)
* I didn't have to take any debt for it because university in Austria is completely free and I'd get a stipend for studying from Finland anyway which roughly covers the costs of a "poor student life".
* Getting into university in Austria is literally just you telling them "hey I'm gonna come, thanks". In Finland you have to apply and pass an entrance exam. So it was easier in Austria anyway.
* I love my family but I didn't feel any anxiety leaving. Before leaving I also lived a year in a different city in Finland (in Helsinki) away from my parents and then I lived a year back with my parents while absolving alternative military service (aka cleaning in a kindergarten...). Probably it helps that both my parents lived most of their life in different countries than their own parents so it felt very natural to move far away from my parents to me.
* I was single!!!

So yeah I had easy mode... Honestly in your situation I would not move, it sounds terrible to double or triple your debt, for what? To mess up your relationship (assuming you're happy in it), become anxious, etc. The way you described it it doesn't sound like a good idea to me! But don't take my word for it, just use it as something to think about! Also the concern of not making friends, I feel you, I made lots of friends in Austria but none in university and all outside of it... Which probably led me to not making friends in university because I didn't need it. But I regret that now.

But, I'm sorry, I didn't really understand the alternative? Because it's not possible to drive 12 hours there every day obviously.

 

[biibii]

Also, is there a reason the boyfriend hasn’t considered moving?

yess there is his parents are older, and his mother has CML (a type of cancer) and has been really sick these past few years. I completely understand his situation and how he can't move, but honestly as stupid as it may sound, I can't see myself without him. sometimes the only reason I can get up in the morning is because of him, so thinking about leaving him makes me feel a bit sick.

 

[a potato]

I commuted to a school, and I enjoyed it as a money-saving option. I saved tens of thousands by staying at home and only needing to buy gas and a parking pass. I think it was the right choice for me, but I do wish I would have been more involved on campus--I missed out on many opportunities.
I can definitely understand and relate to your concerns about moving so far away, though. It's perfectly natural--and expected--to be nervous at this stage. In fact, if someone wasn't nervous, I'd be concerned. My biggest piece of advice is don't undersell yourself. If you think this is the school for you, do it. Don't settle for something that won't give you the best outcome. I'm assuming you're in undergrad, and based on the information, it seems like you've already completed a year of school. Three years isn't all that much in the grand scheme of things. I recommend you try it. At the worst, you'll learn what you don't want.
Maybe something you could do is ask to shadow a student at the school and see how you like it. If it's too far, maybe it isn't the best choice.
I would also recommend trying to look closer to home, though. Just poke around on Google or something and see what catches your eye.

 

[biibii]

But, I'm sorry, I didn't really understand the alternative? Because it's not possible to drive 12 hours there every day obviously.

nooo don't worry flyff, the alternative would be stay home and go to a low-ranked university and not pursue the degree that I want, and just settle for political science and eventually law school.

 

[KrazyKarp]

Some things to consider (in my opinion):

1. Socializing is definitely a reasonable worry... for a certain period of time. Some people take a while to really fit in somewhere, but most people find their place. Speaking from experience, you'd need to lift out of your comfort zone sometimes, but it's worth it! It'll honestly help you become more social; I can't guarantee you'll become a major social butterfly, but the social aspect would improve.

2. I understand worrying about huge changes happening at home while you're away, like grandparents passing away. I had (and I'm sure still will when I go back to campus) worries about my grandmother passing away, as well as two of my dogs who are incredibly important to me and are older now. The biggest thing is staying in contact. If you move away, talk with your grandparents over the phone regularly or something. Of course, I can't do that with my dogs, but I ask my family about updates and photos on them frequently. Communication really helps.

3. There's different things you can try to decrease debt, such as seeking out and applying for scholarships. Having a job, as you mentioned, also helps, though the worry of it interfering with your studies is reasonable. 12 credits isn't too bad though, I think it'd be pretty manageable with a job. Eventually you'll probably come across an opportunity to get payed to do research in your major too, which is what I'm doing.

Alternatively, are there options that are close enough to home (like, 2-3 hours drive at most or something) so you and your boyfriend can still see each other, and possible cheaper college options too, and also so that you're out of the house? If none have your majors you want, you can look into a "design your own major" thing, which I know many colleges have. You may be able to get help from faculty to put together your majors you want.

 

[Flyffel]

nooo don't worry flyff, the alternative would be stay home and go to a low-ranked university and not pursue the degree that I want, and just settle for political science and eventually law school.

Okay, I don't know how American university "ranks" affect how much money you make afterwards or how much you want a job in either field. You are investing lots of money in college so you should pick something that you are actually going to want to use later, right?

Try writing down the absolute worst case scenario for both choices, and a semi-realistic good-case scenario for both choices. Maybe it helps!

 

[Dwayne Johnson]

finances and grades prevented me from going to any real "good" university and i wouldn't be cut out for the workload (uni isn't worth the money imo anyways) but if i could've relocated for community college i would've, just wasn't able to with a whole pandemic going on. i have a hard time making friends irl too but to me the chance to be somewhere other than where i've spent 20 years of my life would be more than worth it, i dont really have any connections to my home at all anyways

 

[Corrie]

I stayed at home and loved it. It saved me a lot of money and I loved being with my family for longer.

 

[duckykate]

Honestly, as a fellow awkward introverted person who made the mistake of going out of state because I liked a program they had, I think you should stay home. It's super lonely moving to a new place all alone and on top of that I have hella student loans to pay. I wish I had just picked a local place to go to and stay with my friends. I feel like you'll be much happier at home with your BF and friends, and will save so much money.

 

[Jacob]

It's important to know that you're going to be okay no matter what you end up doing. Getting a degree is a great start. Take a look into online or world campus classes for the college to see if getting those specific programs at that school is a possibility from hoe.

As for my personal opinion, I believe moving away from home for college might be a great learning experience for you. I'm a very anxious person and I found that being on my own at college (made all new friends) has helped me form a professional mindset. 3 years in, I feel nearly ready to get a real job and begin life as an independent. I can't say if I would feel comfortable with that + networking if I had stayed home.

Things like boyfriends not wanting to move and family deaths are unavoidable in life, you have to live your own life to the fullest first. You always have the option to fly home, call in, etc., if you feel it's important enough. If you know this college will get you closer to where you want to be in life, I think it's worth heading on out. Now, everyone's financial situation is unique, so I can't speak to that. Having a job (or two) with 12 hours of classes is very possible but could of course burn you own. You know your own limits! If you don't know your limits, maybe this will also be a great learning opportunity for you.

Remember you can always get your foundations at a college near home then move out to finish them up or for grad school as well! Maybe you can take a year off school to work, earn some money, volunteer in your industry just to get a head start. Good luck with everything!

 

[Lavamaize]

I would say move to the university you want to go to. You shouldn’t sacrifice the career you want (which you will most likely have the rest of your life) for one that you doesn’t appeal to you as much. In addition, I personally believe that the connections and friendships you will make in college will be extremely beneficial and rewarding. It will also most likely be easier to get letters of recommendation (assuming you are a good student and are in person for classes ) if you actually attend the in person classes at the university you want to opposed to staying online from your home. These letters and connections can be very important in securing a job someday. Lastly, regarding your worry about moving away from loved ones and home, like other have said, that is a natural part of life, and delaying it now will just be pushing the inevitable to the future.

 

[Dunquixote]

I did both. I regret going to the dorms since i could get nothing done and missed home. Also did not get along with my last roommate. The noise was just too much for me. i could hear everything and it drove me insane. At one point i was considering going out of state but am so glad I didn’t. staying at the dorms has really messed up my anxiety for many years and other issues.

 

[deana]

I moved away for school and I don't regret doing it. School was my way to get out of a town that I hated and that's something I really wanted at the time. I didn't make a ton of friends but I met a few good people.

I think the life experience of moving away and being on your own is valuable but of course you could always do that later down the road. So in my opinion the main considerations are costs and the degree you want to take. If you think the degree is worth the additional costs then the other details will sort themselves out, not saying those other things won't be stressful but they can be managed.

Also just a note over the boyfriend issue lol I was in a similar situation and decided to move anyway 6 hours away from him and things still worked out in the end. So don't automatically assume it will be bad for your relationship I guess, it's just different and you'll need to put in different kinds of effort to stay connected but it doesn't mean it's not possible.

 

[Oldcatlady]

I stayed with my family in a local university and while there were times I regretted it, I also think it was for the best, so I’m not sure lol. I think overall I preferred staying home but I feel like I missed an opportunity to experience the uni life meeting tons of people in a new exciting setting haha. Our situation is quite different though, because I get along well with my parents, didn’t have a bf at that time, and the program I wanted was available in my city.

pros:
-The school I went to has a great program that I wanted from what I heard from everyone.
-my family couldn’t afford me going to another city without going in debt/student loans/compromising on standards of living, so I financially helped my family a lot by not going
-I got very sick the first year of school (and I still kinda am, it never completely went away...) and living with my family helped a lot because I had all the support needed. I can’t imagine how scary it would have been taking care of myself while sick in another city
-I get to keep in touch more with my friends from high school who stayed in this city

cons:
-I’ve always wanted to try out the res life, going to a new city and meeting new people. I had friends/acquaintances whom I could have connected with if I did move to the other city, so I think I would have had a good time being more independent
-expensive...


I think no matter what you decide, you can get through it it’s also ok to take risks and even if it doesn’t work out like how you thought it would, you can find solutions as you go so do what you think would make you happiest.

 

[TheSillyPuppy]

I picked a school that was in-province, about 1.5 hours away from my home. It was the school and program that I wanted to attend--my first choice.

I learned a lot about myself in university, such as how I am a bit socially anxious. For much of elementary school and all of high school, my friends were pretty much from the same groups of people.

I lived on-campus in the dormitory in first-year, then found leases or sublets for the remaining four years of study. It costs more, but I found it helped me to form relationships with peers, especially those outside of my program, which got progressively more difficult as the years went by due to everyone gaining further specialization in their respective programs. It also helped me make use of first-year tutoring services and get more exposure to extracurriulars and other activities beyond the classroom.

Like @\Cadbberry suggested, apply to as many scholarships as you can. I wish higher education wasn't so heavily commoditized as it is, but it is what it is. There was one semester where I worked part-time at a company I had interned at. I only worked for a maximum of 15 hours per week, on top of around 40 hours of classes and 40-50 hours of schoolwork. Needless to say, I did not attempt that again.

I made many acquaintances and only a handful of very good/best friends, but to me, friendships are quality over quantity! One of my best friends was a guy who sat right next to me in the first row (yeah, I was that type of student, lol). I struggled a lot with the material in my first semester, and he always knew how to explain complex concepts to me in a way that I could absorb the material. Later on, the two of us found three other folks in our program that we jived with and we basically became this conglomerate of five students who were almost always joined at the hip. You never know what can come out of talking with a random person!

University is also where I learned adulting skills, like going grocery shopping, doing laundry, and cooking for myself.

I met my S/O (my first boyfriend) in first-year and we have been together ever since (almost six years now). For most of undergrad, we haven't been in school in the same semesters, but we made it work! As long as both of you are willing to put in the time and effort to make your relationship work, --no matter the distance--you will find a way!

Your parents will find a way to get you home if an emergency happens. My parents helped me pack up all my belongings and move out of my rental in mid-February 2020, since they followed the news in Asia where there were already reports of COVID.

Going to university out of town also gets you exposed to folks from all sorts of backgrounds. I grew up in a city largely populated by other Chinese folks, and it was in university where I got to meet so many more people with diverse backgrounds. It really gives you more perspective about the world.

Do what will help you the most with achieving whatever end goal you have. It's hard to place a monetary value on many experiences. I wish you success with making your decision and with whichever school + program you decide to pursue!

 

[Livia]

I voted for yes and I regretted it. I went to a university in another state, and I ended up dropping out and moving back home after 2 years because of loneliness, anxiety, and stress. I even started having hallucinations from how stressed I was. I lived in an apartment by myself so I didnt have any roommate issues, but I was completely alone which isn’t good either. I’ve never been good at making friends and I felt very lost and it was just not a good time for me. I think if I had stayed home, then I could’ve graduated and I would have some kind of degree by now. this probably isn’t helpful at all, sorry.