I don't like myself anymore.

[xSuperMario64x]

You may want to skip past this, it's just a rly long journal i made ranting about my irrational feelings...

Spoiler: my current thoughts

I'm having a hard time explaining myself to even myself but I'll try. This might be a side-effect of me battling severe depression and not getting the proper care or mentorship.

So I feel like I'm not who I should be. At one point I would've associated myself with hippies to some extent. I loved nature, peace signs, and tie-dye. But lately I feel disconnected. I feel like I should have some close friends who share the same ideals that I do. I feel like I should go outside and embrace the beauty and wonder of nature. I feel like I should dress the way I want to (but I can't cause I'm poor af and live with what I have), and I should travel and meet interesting people and idk just live life? But lately I feel like I'm not even myself, like I'm disconnected from who I really am.

There was a point in time when I felt like I'd truly discovered myself, I dressed how I wanted and I didn't care if people thought I was like high or something. I had pursued inner peace and actually found it. I preached peace and the idea of coexistence. But about 2 years ago, my stress became worse and worse, and by the end of the first quarter of my Senior year of HS, I was so out of my mind that I eventually just gave up on living by my own standards and began to conform to the ideals of my school and home. I was basically a slave to high school.

Ever since, I cut my hair short (which I donated hut somehow regret) and never let it down out of a ponytail, I don't wear my round pink-tinted sunglasses or my rainbow buckethat in public, I don't wear loose-fitting or even slightly-revealing clothes, I don't preach peace, I don't meditate, I don't burn incense, and I barely even associate myself with who I once was. It's partly because I was judged so much for who I was. I was told by my mom that it was okay if I acted this way, because it was who I was and she accepted that. But my dad and my grandma did not accept it. As a matter of fact, in my Senior photo sent along with my graduation invites, I was wearing a rainbow heart tie-dye shirt and my buckethat. I was taking a selfie with some purple flowers. But my grandma said I shouldn't have put it in with the invitation because it looked like I was on drugs or something. I'm not one to get offended easily, but when someone discriminates me for who I am then it really sets me off. So I look like and act like a hippie, who cares? Is it a bad thing? Does that automatically make me a druggie?

Idk I'm so upset with who I've become. Im not who I should be. I'm constantly stressed out and have no time to relieve that stress, I want to wear my peace sign bandana but I'm afraid my dad will make me take it off anywhere I go because "it makes [me] look dirty." I'm just not happy with who I am at all. I've actually gotten to the point where when I see people who I think I should be like (like people who associate themselves with hippies) I actually get jealous. I've never been jealous of someone cause I thought they were better than I am! Why would I be jealous?

Now I'm all caught up in college schoolwork and studying. I still don't have my textbooks! Why would I ever allow that? Why have I become so forgetful and apathetic? Why am I so stupid? Why do I never have any creativity at all? Why do I have no self-confidence or self-esteem anymore? Have I let myself go for so long that I'm basically a soulless slave to the systems of school and society?

Today was my first day of college classes and I was so stressed I actually cried. I don't like me anymore. I want my old self back...

I'm so sorry you had to read all of this...