Is this a guilt trip or something more?

[Keldi]

My mom and I had a conversation yesterday about how she isn't much of a help towards my anxiety and depression. To give you some insight, she mocks me(a very obnoxious voice to express what I say), tells me to cut it out when I have a meltdown, disregards how tired I actually am(says she has anxiety and depression too but is functioning well), and so on.
She tried to end the conversation by saying the following:
"I'm sorry I'm not the best mother in the world."
This felt like a normal guilt trip at first, but after I remembered a friend who was in an emotionally abusive relationship(she's out of it now- Thank God!), I'm starting to wonder if what my mom said was borderline manipulative. Please tell me I'm overthinking a basic guilt trip(it would still be a ****ed up guilt trip though)

 

[moonford]

All parents are manipulative and so are their children.

 

[SoraDeathEater]

Honestly that sounds like my mother... she’s trying to get better at “understanding” my depression and such, but she’s like an “old school” type of mom where she’s constantly telling me “back in my day we had it worse than you and you don’t see me having depression. Your grandma use to do so much worse to us. You’re lucky she isn’t like that with you and neither am I.” I’ve talked to a therapist about her words back when I was younger and they said it was emotional abuse. They’ve talked to her about it and now she does the whole crying and saying “I’m sorry I couldn’t be better for you. I’m sorry I’m a horrible mother.” So basically tries to make it seem like she’s the “victim”.. Though my mom is manipulative. She dislikes my husband because he actually understands my depression and what I feel while she just makes it “worse”. I’m currently 7 months pregnant and ugh the hormones are too much that it sometimes fuels my depression.. so when I visit my mother for a little while with my son, she would constantly tell me to “stop being lazy! You’re a mother! You’re about to have another kid and this is how you treat them?!” (Even though I just fed my son, he’s playing happily in the room with his toys and I’m just laying on the floor near him). She would constantly tell me about how my son would be better off with her and that she will make sure he’s a happy healthy little boy. Though she tends to forget that my depression is the result of her “neglect”. I say “neglect” with quotations only because it wasn’t really 100% neglect, but the fact that when I needed her most she was too busy working.. such as when I was being bullied I tried to talk to her about it but she would push me aside and tell me “stop! I’m working!” So yeah.. But I do say it could be both.. My husband doesn’t like me being alone with my mom because she’s like that. Though she has her good moments too where we can both hang out and not have any problems, that’s only when I’m not having a depressive episode or no feelings of depression. But when I do, she gets like that. Idk.. I feel like she thinks it’ll make me “better”. She keeps trying to make me “move on” from it but there is no moving on for me... I’ve had it since I was in 6th grade, that was nearly 10 years ago.. I’m 20 now (going to be 21).. she thinks that being an adult would make my depression go away.. but idk..

sorry I just ended up venting as well ;~;

 

[Anactoria]

Well, I mean not to condone emotional abuse or manipulation or anything, but I think being a parent qua parent and being an individual person at the same time is pretty hard. Some things are still not ok, of course, but some people can handle things better than others, and that includes dealing with depression. This is why therapy can be effective, because sometimes those close to you are just... too close to you, or too bogged down by their own issues, to be of much help.

Why do you suspect she was even guilt tripping you, and not being sincere?

 

[Anactoria]

dbp

 

[Mr. Cat]

All parents are manipulative and so are their children.

Yes, but by the time you're an adult you should know better when it comes to how you treat your children...

I can't tell for sure with limited information if she's trying to be abusive, but I would definitely say for sure that she definitely seems depressed and is probably unintentionally taking it out on you. Middle aged adults want us to harden up and go through life just as they did, but I wouldn't suggest this... unconditional love and self acceptance will bring happiness, not growing hard and bitter.

 

[Mr. Cat]

All parents are manipulative and so are their children.

Yes, but by the time you're an adult you should know better when it comes to how you treat your children...

I can't tell for sure with limited information if she's trying to be abusive, but I would definitely say for sure that she definitely seems depressed and is probably unintentionally taking it out on you. Middle aged adults want us to harden up and go through life just as they did, but I wouldn't suggest this... unconditional love and self acceptance will bring happiness, not growing hard, selfish, and bitter. I'm not sure why so many seem to be this way.

Also, SoraDeathEater, I totally feel you on that. My step mom and my dad are the EXACT same way when it comes to me and my child, but they are abusive and narcissistic, usually they're projecting their own insecurities and failures on you. It must be extremely hard while you're pregnant, hang in there!

 

[moonford]

Yes, but by the time you're an adult you should know better when it comes to how you treat your children...

I can't tell for sure with limited information if she's trying to be abusive, but I would definitely say for sure that she definitely seems depressed and is probably unintentionally taking it out on you. Middle aged adults want us to harden up and go through life just as they did, but I wouldn't suggest this... unconditional love and self acceptance will bring happiness, not growing hard, selfish, and bitter. I'm not sure why so many seem to be this way.

Also, SoraDeathEater, I totally feel you on that. My step mom and my dad are the EXACT same way when it comes to me and my child, but they are abusive and narcissistic, usually they're projecting their own insecurities and failures on you. It must be extremely hard while you're pregnant, hang in there!

Where did I imply otherwise?

I'm saying that "I'm sorry I'm a terrible Mother" is a common phrase by Mothers who are trying to emotionally manipulate their children. I dont think that she should end her argument/plea just because her Mother is "upset" because that is what the Mother wants and ignoring your daughters issues as well as your own isn't a good thing (obviously). The OP's Mother has her own issues and it seems to me that she is struggling, and she is unable to help her own child because of that. She may be denying it/degrading the OP's mental health because she doesn't want to believe that her issues are similar to the OP's. It isn't healthy and both of them need help, and that help is likely not going to come from each other; so an outlet of support is needed somewhere for both of them.

That's my take on this issue, I probably didnt explain that well and it may or may not be wrong.

 

[moonford]

Yes, but by the time you're an adult you should know better when it comes to how you treat your children...

I can't tell for sure with limited information if she's trying to be abusive, but I would definitely say for sure that she definitely seems depressed and is probably unintentionally taking it out on you. Middle aged adults want us to harden up and go through life just as they did, but I wouldn't suggest this... unconditional love and self acceptance will bring happiness, not growing hard, selfish, and bitter. I'm not sure why so many seem to be this way.

Also, SoraDeathEater, I totally feel you on that. My step mom and my dad are the EXACT same way when it comes to me and my child, but they are abusive and narcissistic, usually they're projecting their own insecurities and failures on you. It must be extremely hard while you're pregnant, hang in there!

Where did I imply otherwise?

I'm saying that "I'm sorry I'm a terrible Mother" is a common phrase by Mothers who are trying to emotionally manipulate their children. I dont think that she should end her argument/plea just because her Mother is "upset" because that is what the Mother wants and ignoring your daughters issues as well as your own isn't a good thing (obviously). The OP's Mother has her own issues and it seems to me that she is struggling, and she is unable to help her own child because of that. She may be denying it/degrading the OP's mental health because she doesn't want to believe that her issues are similar to the OP's. It isn't healthy and both of them need help, and that help is likely not going to come from each other; so an outlet of support is needed somewhere for both of them.

That's my take on this issue, I probably didnt explain that well and it may or may not be wrong.

 

[Bowie]

I will never understand why people like that choose to become parents in the first place.

 

[Keldi]

Why do you suspect she was even guilt tripping you, and not being sincere?

I wish I knew. The statement itself is obviously a guilt trip, she makes it out like I just pointed out every flaw she has. All I want to know is why she has such a harsh approach to my issues.

- - - Post Merge - - -

My reply isn't showing up...Lemme just do one of these quick replies...

 

[John Wick]

She is probably trying to break you out of your anxiety, because she doesn't want you to go through what she has.

I have chronic anxiety, so I understand both sides.

I will never understand why people like that choose to become parents in the first place.

She didn't choose to have anxiety.
Nobody does. :-/

 

[moonford]

Are all the threads broke?

 

[KaydeeKrunk]

My mom has always been the same way, growing up I would say things like I was sad or anxious yadda yadda and she wouldn't believe me, make it about her, saying she had stress out the wazoo and that my problems weren't real. She still does this. She doesn't "believe" I have anxiety and depression, if I ever bring it up she dismisses it and calls it something else and changes everything to be about her instead. It really sucks, and with my mom it's definitely manipulation. She turns literally anything into a fight and has us trapped so it's just really toxic and awful since we can't leave, but at the same time she threatens us almost daily to kick us out. So you know, 10/10 parenting.

 

[Keldi]

Okay, I can't see any replies past @Bowie, so let me try posting and see if that work

 

[Antonio]

Parents aren't the best at understanding teenagers and teenagers aren't the best at understanding parents. I would have to agree with Zendel on this situation. The phrase is commonly used among adults to guilt trip their children to feel sorry similar to how teenagers say things like "You are the worst parent in the world" or "I wished I was dead" to guilt trip their parents to feel sorry. Since your mother doesn't really worry about these types of problems then find someone who will. Possibly a friend or counselor. If that doesn't help then try to get your mom aware of the problem. Once parents are aware that it's a problem, they'll try to do something about it. At least, this is from my experience alone.

 

[KaydeeKrunk]

She didn't choose to have anxiety.
Nobody does. :-/

I believe Bowie was talking about the mom in this situation.