Opinions on a spiky situation w/ my lesbian friend...?

[salem_]

Not sure this is the right place to ask, but im currently in need of some opinions right now.
Ill leave under spoiler what happened, any new point of view is appreciated

Spoiler

So recently my lesbian friend confessed and told me she is into me romantically; we managed to stay friends etc, i told her it was ok and all.
She confessed because in the latest period she was being very jelous about our common male friend (she's convinced there's something between us, but in fact there's is nothing, she even asked him, and he told her that he sees me as a sister), anyway she just couldn't handle seeing us talking, making jokes, even chatting (she started comparing our online/offline status to see if we were talking), anyway i tend to make a lot of complex about everything so i started to feel guilty if i talked too much to this friend, even if i was trying to shake off this feeling because it isnt normal.
Anyway i just tend to avoid situations in which me and this male friend "stay isolate" while she is with us, because i know it can trigger some jealousy **** (she suddenly became quite and stop talking when this happens, and i really dont stand this behaviour, especially when there's other people and they start asking questions). It's a bit heavy as situation and im starting to not tolerate her.
Tonight we all met, we arrive at our male friend's house and they suddenly start play ps4. My male friend give me a smartphone with animal crossing on it, because he knows i like it, and then proceed to play with her on the ps4. I didn't like this situation, not because jealousy or else, but because for ****s sake i can't stand the fact that she lives these situations with no thoughts at all while im here counting how many ****ing words i say to this friend because i dont wanna handle her ****ing rage jealousy. If this was a reverse scenario (me playing with him) she would go rage mode. That's the thing that really irritated me. IF I was doing that, it would be a mess. I was cold with her for the rest of the night,i think everything got exaggerated because im reaching my limit but i wanted some more opinions, what do you guys think? Am i overexaggerating? What should i do?

 

[Livia]

I’m a very jealous person, so I think I know where your friend is coming from. Have you talked to her and told her how much her jealousy is affecting you? It’s possible that she isn’t aware of how much trouble you’re now going through to “protect” her feelings. Please don’t drop her as a friend without talking to her about it first and giving her a chance to change her behavior. She probably can’t control how she feels, but maybe she can try to let you and your male friend hang out without getting upset. I mean I usually keep my feelings to myself, so I don’t know how much she is acting out when she gets jealous though. She could try to write her feelings down somewhere instead of getting angry at you and your male friend.

I don’t know how helpful this is. I hope you can find a solution!

 

[salem_]

I’m a very jealous person, so I think I know where your friend is coming from. Have you talked to her and told her how much her jealousy is affecting you? It’s possible that she isn’t aware of how much trouble you’re now going through to “protect” her feelings. Please don’t drop her as a friend without talking to her about it first and giving her a chance to change her behavior. She probably can’t control how she feels, but maybe she can try to let you and your male friend hang out without getting upset. I mean I usually keep my feelings to myself, so I don’t know how much she is acting out when she gets jealous though. She could try to write her feelings down somewhere instead of getting angry at you and your male friend.

I don’t know how helpful this is. I hope you can find a solution!

I am not the type that drop a friend out of the blue, so that's not a risk, but I also tend to put other people's feelings over mine. We talked about this and she told me that she would try to "hide" that jelousy, hoping that one day it will just fade. She also told me to don't be "limitated" with this common friend, but in the end, I overthink anyway and don't act natural with him.
I am looking for advice because I am starting grow feelings that are not in my nature: im being very angry towards her, don't want her unasked worries towards me (if i dont reply for too long, if my mood changes) and cuddles. I am feeling as I am in a relationship where I never consented.
I appreciate your time though, thank you!

 

[Belle T]

From experience, I think in this kind of situation, you need to be firm. Don't go out of your way to hurt her feelings, but absolutely do not hold back on telling her how you feel about this. I understand what it's like to be in love--and to have your sexuality repressed in such a manner--but that it is simply no excuse for vindictive, stalker-like behavior. This would be true whether she were male or female.

 

[salem_]

From experience, I think in this kind of situation, you need to be firm. Don't go out of your way to hurt her feelings, but absolutely do not hold back on telling her how you feel about this. I understand what it's like to be in love--and to have your sexuality repressed in such a manner--but that it is simply no excuse for vindictive, stalker-like behavior. This would be true whether she were male or female.

I wonder if I should confront my male friend too? She tends to always express this side with me only. For example, the online/offline status is an episode that I and only I know. I feel like I am the crazy one because he probably thinks this stuff is being "handled". (He knows she's jelous about him). Sadly, we're three close friends and I usually talk with them about problems, but idk who should i talk to when they're the problem

 

[Chris]

You shouldn't have to tiptoe around your friends.

Distance is the key to getting over someone. If your friend were the one asking this question, I'd recommend she cut contact with you until she has gotten over you and then try to resume the friendship later.

 

[salem_]

You shouldn't have to tiptoe around your friends.

Distance is the key to getting over someone. If your friend were the one asking this question, I'd recommend she cut contact with you until she has gotten over you and then try to resume the friendship later.

She doesn't want to take distance. She said that "it's better this than staying away from you" and also, that she would stay away only if I was asking for it. But I don't feel like doing something like that. We share the same group of friends, it would be a bit troublesome and I'd feel terrible to create such a crack.
Also she's currently engaged with a girl. Her GF knows she has this "crush" on me but decided to stay.

 

[nightxshift]

From what you said, I deduce that she only wants your attention. She doesn’t like you being around with that guy because she’s afraid you’ll want to replace her with him. She acts all friendly when she’s around your guy friend to piss you off. I acted somewhat like that when I had this crush on a boy, It’s embarrassing now that I look back at it

The best way would be to ignore her. And if she keeps insisting cut her off.

EDIT (ref to your latest post): I know it’s hard but this situation unhealthy. Give each other some time to think, and let her know that you can still be friends (if you wanted to). Remember that you aren’t the one who is causing trouble. You’ll do what you need to do.

 

[Belle T]

I wonder if I should confront my male friend too? She tends to always express this side with me only. For example, the online/offline status is an episode that I and only I know. I feel like I am the crazy one because he probably thinks this stuff is being "handled". (He knows she's jelous about him). Sadly, we're three close friends and I usually talk with them about problems, but idk who should i talk to when they're the problem

I don't think it could hurt to have a mature conversation with him about it. If he understands the fullness of the situation, then at the very leat, he can back you up. In any case, there's nothing in this situation where him not knowing it wouldn't be beneficial.

You shouldn't have to tiptoe around your friends.

What I wouldn't give to have learned this years ago.

 

[Chris]

She doesn't want to take distance. She said that "it's better this than staying away from you" and also, that she would stay away only if I was asking for it. But I don't feel like doing something like that. We share the same group of friends, it would be a bit troublesome and I'd feel terrible to create such a crack.
Also she's currently engaged with a girl. Her GF knows she has this "crush" on me but decided to stay.

Then she is choosing to get hurt and feel these negative emotions. That is not your fault. If you want to do what is best for her, then I'd suggest you do ask her to stay away. She won't be able to get over you if she is around you so often - and that's not in her best interests in the long-term.

It sounds like your friend has issues she needs to work through herself. Especially if she is this distracted when involved with someone else. When I fancied someone other than my partner last year I not only told them but actively made a point of staying away from her unless I had to be near her. I didn't hang out with her (although we had to spend time together, as we worked in the same laboratory). I cared too much about my relationship to let a crush on someone else get in the way.

 

[Uffe]

It's unrequited love if you don't feel the same way about her. You shouldn't feel guilty, since you haven't done anything wrong. Her trying to push your guy friend out of the way isn't going to make you reconsider falling for her. She needs to understand that her attempts at this isn't going to make you want to be with her. Or it might be, I don't know where you stand on sexual orientation. Either way, she sounds obsessive, especially when you mentioned her comparing online and offline statues. Jealousy is ugly, and she's not your parents, so she doesn't have a say in who you should and shouldn't speak to or spend time with.

 

[Xara]

Also she's currently engaged with a girl. Her GF knows she has this "crush" on me but decided to stay.

she’s what now?? i was about to say that i sort of understand where she’s coming from but this changes everything. she’s in a relationship with someone else and is engaged but she has a crush on you and is immensely jealous of the platonic relationship you have with your guy friend? this isn’t appropriate at all nor is it fair to you, your friend or her fiancée.

i’m sorry you have to deal with this; i can only imagine just how frustrating this is for you. like others have suggested, i would definitely consider having a talk with her and if necessary, put some distance between the two of you. it’ll be awkward, especially since you’re in the same friend group but like @Vrisnem said, you shouldn’t have to tiptoe around your friends. the double standard isn’t fair to you at all and you should be able to interact with your own friends without it being an issue.

i definitely know just how hurtful unrequited feelings can be + the jealousy that they can cause but since she’s literally engaged to someone else, for everyone’s sake, the sooner this situation is dealt with, the better ;u;

 

[acnh.eclipse]

This sound toxic, you've let her know that your not interested in begging a romantic relationship with her and that should be it. I'm happy that just because she liked you, you didn't cut her off. But her being protective over you is wrong in my opinion, this closes other relationships options for you if. This male friend sound verry close to you and your female friend sounds like she trying to destroy your relationship and maybe isolate you! I wouldn't cut her off give her a stern and sharp warning tell her that her jealousy is affecting you and that she can stop and get over it, or just be cut off. That may seem mean but it's better to cut her off instead of being annoyed with her all the time. This is just MY advise and other people may view this situation differently, so you do what you think is best for you ♡♡♡

 

[meo]

I think you have to accept that unfortunately you can’t avoid your friend having to be distant for awhile with the situation. It would be best for her to take some time separate until she can separate her emotions.
You should be honest in how this makes you feel and put boundaries up for what unhealthy behavior you won’t accept. The whole situation is extremely unhealthy. But I would also let her know she is a valued friend and you hope that can resume once she’s able to process and move on.

 

[Romaki]

Her relationship is her problem. If she wants to play PS4 with him, what's the deal? It's not like she hated him, he's her friend too.

Set your boundaries. If she ignores them, ignore her. She's young, those first love feelings won't be forever. Just worry about yourself.

 

[litilravnur]

It's a tough situation... but the first and most important thing is that you're not responsible for other's feelings and you don't have to hold back just because she's jealous. Making tantrums and getting mad at you because you talk to others it's a big red light aside from the fact that she's engaged...

Think the best would be to keep your distance and maybe in the future, if she really moves on, you can resume your friendship. If not, define boundaries with her and stay firm because I'm pretty sure that she'll continue doing this kind of stuff or worse if you let her.

 

[Mairen]

I agree that she's the one who's wrong in this situation. She's forcing you to be cautious regarding how you are around your friend, causing all kinds of stress and that's just controlling and toxic. You should be able to talk to who you want to, and hang out with who you want to. If you have to be so careful around your "friend" just so you dont anger her, then she's not a friend. If this is how she is when you are hanging out with a guy who's your friend, how will she be in the future when you find someone you want to start dating? The situation could become dangerous very quickly. I'd really reccomend you put some distance between you and her until she decides to calm down and start treating you like a friend, and not acting like your prison warden. Be safe!