Internet Friends

[Sheando]

The conversation around online friendships is really fascinating to me, because I see such a common theme of people (especially people who are marginalized in some way) feeling like it's easier to make/maintain online friendships than ones in "real-world" spaces. I've always had a hard time making friends, as an autistic woman with unusual interests and presentation, but I've almost never been able to do it online.

At work, for example, I have established reasons to interact with someone. I have to train a new coworker, or ask someone about a customer interaction, or check in about an upcoming program, or pass on a building update for the day. And other people regularly initiate small talk, which gives me a sense of what topics are considered "normal" for the environment so I can attempt to recycle them later. Online, reaching out to someone feels so totally unprompted. In real life it comes off as strange to NEVER say good morning or how was your trip or whatever, but online I could go 10 years on this very forum without sending unsolicited private messages and nobody would notice or care, since "lurking" is a completely normal and acceptable behavior in this context. I am forever intrigued by the ability of other internet users to just . . . start talking to online strangers.

 

[Suguri]

I'm autistic (like above poster) except I stink at IRL friendships (tried maintaining one a few years ago to no available) so my social life is 100% online. I want to have an IRL friendship with someone though, but I feel like it'll only work for me if I meet the person through some website.

With online friendships I don't have to worry about understanding facial expressions or hidden cues or all that complex stuff. What you see is what you get. And I can just talk to someone straightaway about whatever they're interested in, since it's out there for all to see, instead of initiating a conversation without knowing anything about them and feeling awkward about it.

My parents would rather have me meet up with someone in my class than someone from the internet. There's always the chance of coming across a predator (like in the news), but it hasn't ever happened to me thankfully. I still won't tell them about my online life anyway, or they'll flip.

With that said, I'm trying to appreciate my online friendships as much as I would with real-life friendships. I think having a partner whom I met here is helping with that massively. And I also try to not care too much about befriending people in my school as that would get me stressed out.

 

[Crash]

i've definitely had similar worries, but i think online friendships are just as legitimate as irl ones. just because you're not interacting face to face with someone doesn't mean they aren't real, so why can't the friendship be real? i've struggled with social interaction for my entire life, but i can say for sure that i feel slightly less out of place online than i do in real life, which usually means i'm more likely to connect with people in specific spaces like this one. i think it really comes down to the fact that when you join an online community centered around a hobby, much like here on TBT, you have a shared interest with everyone right off the bat. in real life, that's almost never the case unless you can find one of those groups (like sports/church/whatever) and vibe with the people there.

i also think a lot of real life friendships often end up being built around convenience instead of a real connection. obviously that's not to say they all are, there's plenty of people who are lucky enough to find their best friends randomly irl and i envy them, but i don't know that it's incredibly common. i've been friends with lots of my coworkers over the years, but those people only befriended me because i was their only option, and then they bailed when they found someone better. but my online friends, on the other hand, befriended me because they wanted to be friends with me specifically. it's still not easy for me to make friends online either, i'm cripplingly shy and socially inept (thank u autism that's so helpful) but my dearest online friends have actively sought me out and loved me for who i actually am and that's exactly why i treasure them.

 

[Snowesque]

As a person who had an online friendship turn into physical engagement, just do what works for you and makes you happy. There's people I've known for almost 10 years through online stuff that I still talk to. If anything I prefer online friendships.

 

[michealsmells]

I honest to God am not actively friends with anyone irl. There are a few people I have the ability to be in touch with, but the energy that goes into crafting a new irl relationship or reviving one's from middle school is something that I do not have. I don't have friends irl, and I interact with no one besides my immediate family. I also got pulled out of public school in middle school so I've had about 8 years or so to basically relearn social interaction through the internet (for better and for worse)

I love my online friends. We've had ups and downs in our relationships, I've had friendship breakups, all of that, but it all felt real and genuine. The good, the bad- all of it real. I'd love to meet all my friends IRL. I've met a few, but we all live so far away it's not really feasible to do without a ton of planning.

My online relationships are real relationships. The emotions i feel from them are no less real than knowing others irl. On rare occasion it can be lonely or a bit upsetting to not be physically with them, but, we have ways of mending that, like hanging out in VR. None of it is less valid it's just a different form of communication. It feels as genuine as the effort and feelings that you put into it, yknow? That's at least my two cents.

 

[-Raven-]

Boys and girlies and theys and others. If I had the time I would go smooching every post here because you guys know what’s up. There really is something to be said for what might get us interested in going on an “archaic” forum instead of / as well as Discord groups. I knew being here was the right decision.

I’m open to irl friendships, but honestly even online friendships take a lot of energy from me sometimes because of how much I wish I could give or tried to give at points. Trying to make irl friends exhausting, hobby groups have done nothing, too much political talk in place of icebreaker/culture to talk about. Fitness, art, book reading aren’t really social hobbies irl. And a lot of nerd groups have sexism and my transmasc booty doesn’t want to be there.

I have met a few cool people in the last few months but, sometimes there’s just red tape so we can’t really stay friends and most of the time even if I’m trying to be forward we don’t keep anything consistent. I guess I can say some of the same for online friendships and time zones SUCK and so does the distance from my friends… but yall and my other circle are real friends. I’m in cross country LDR, I hate some of the challenges that come with that but of course I get it.

Frankly I think friendships with a lot of people I left behind always meant more to me than them and the way people irl have not kept things up is kinda an extension of that. I’m very picky about who I call a friend in the first place but it feels like most people just call anyone they had an amicable time with their friend. If the difference was that meaningful and these people really cared about me more you’d figure they would try to keep up with me sometimes. It happens both irl and online. It’s really silly to me that people will say online friendships are less valid when the exact same thing can happen either way.

Friends are friends. The emotions are real. Acting like it’s invalid is regressive

Also if I had money and time I would be very happy to meet online friends some day. But I accept that as being unlikely, I’ll pursue with some people I trust if there’s mutual interest.

Lastly: I wonder how much of feeling like online stuff is easier is from having more “defined” rules like mod teams around spaces (and just being more practiced in online ettiquite).

 

[Devicho]

I hope this isn't too much of a necropost; thread was a few pages back but the most recent post was this month, so I figure I'd chime in.

I'm just old enough that my being an obvious nerd meant that I was heavily ostracized at school. Games―outside of a handful of the most "cool", socially-acceptable ones like Grand Theft Auto, mainstream sports games, and perhaps Guitar Hero―were things that only losers cared about, and I made the mistake of not hiding that I still liked Nintendo. Worse, I also liked anime, and that was just as maligned as liking "kiddy" games unless you maybe stuck to Dragon Ball Z and were otherwise charismatic. On top of this, I tended to get a lot of flack for being a generally unfashionable, unfeminine girl, and didn't have a very good home life, so for a long time I really could only make friends via the internet.

It actually worked out for a while and not only did the internet help keep me sane, since I could actually find groups of people who both liked that same things I did and were welcoming to me, but of all things, it's joining a random forum for a niche Japanese game series that would ultimately lead to my life and mental health turning around, as I'm currently living with a friend that I met via that very forum. Unfortunately (for me anyway) the internet has changed a lot since then as people have largely moved to social media, which is not only a bit of a free-for-all, but also tends to put me into the path of the same general types of people that used to give me grief in real life―the sorts of people who generally look down on those who go against the grain, except now "nerd stuff" is popular enough that they've become active in nerd spaces and sometimes are rather hostile to the nerds who were there first.

Sadly, due to the way the internet has changed, it's kind of become hard for me to find friends once again, because I don't really want to put myself out there just to get hurt again, but I treasure the friends I did have in the past as well as the ones that have stuck around (like the roommate mentioned above). It's also still not very easy for me to find too many nerd hangouts in real life, so the internet is still my best option for scratching that itch. At the very least, the internet also has made it possible for me to form some level of friendship with people overseas, which is pretty cool and wouldn't have happened without the internet.

 

[TN4U]

I want to have IRL friends again. I really do. However, nothing I have read or been told via therapy has helped or motivated me to go out and do something about it, and with each passing day it simply sucks more positive emotion out of me. That’s partially my fault for not taking small steps (also taking into account my social anxiety and the unrelated factors that seem to create mental roadblocks), but at the same time, I’ve pretty much learned that no one thinks about me when I’m not around. Why did I slowly quit social media after high school? Well, it became blatantly obvious that my class as a whole was ready to move on with their lives. Twitter (which I put an “X” on, good pun lol) is a cancer in general; the Snapchats I sent were being left on read; I refused to join Facebook and TikTok (though may give in to the former just for marketplace); and my Instagram got to the point where the only followers that liked my posts were ones who like pretty much everything that shows up on their feed. Once I saw that my friend group broke up for good in 2023 without any input from me, it was basically the last straw. I’ve never recovered since.

As for trying to gain internet friends, it’s better than nothing. I’d much prefer to hang out with people IRL (and not feel like a loner/creep in social scenes), but at least I can find people here who share my interests. I just wish there was more activity at times, but that may have to wait until the next game comes out. For now, I’ll just keep doing a few TBT friendlies and online game meetups.

 

[ShawnFuzz]

First of all, I didn't read any of the responses to your message because I want to answer without muddled thoughts. (I will go back and read what you all have to say... I am sure it's better than my thoughts!)

I will say that I have four true friends in my life, and they are all wonderful people I met online. I met two while playing the original Overwatch, in the early days before it became competitive. Another, I met in a Facebook pet rat group. She is my most dedicated friend of all!

I have only met one of them in person and that's because him and his wife were traveling the world and I was their guide around San Francisco. I met him on another forum based around the mafia genre of entertainment.

I was lucky to meet him in person, and I will probably never see him again since they are from India! The others are from other parts of the US and one lives in Germany!

However, I consider them all real friends because they don't give up on me when I go silent. They are so wonderful that they check up on me from time to time! I don't have any real life friends who do that!

I wouldn't worry about what other people think. If you make a true friend, no matter how or where they live, hold on to that friend!