Mafia Pavor Nocturnus
- Thread starter Chris
- Start date
The earliest, October 7
I like to call it ignoring my cell biology homework.
That and it seemed like common OP framework seemed too bloated with excess information most people never really read/skipped. Thought some trimming and re-formatting might call attention to the important things more easily.
Arstotzkan
A scum mom
#beatupthenoob
amanda1983
Senior Member
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Arstotzkan
A scum mom
Its an exception because Abe's a noob. He can't defend himselfHow does this square up with the zero tolerance policy? Just wondering
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CinnamonBuunn
thats not my ravioli!
The game hasn't even started but the tag war has
Abe stood alone in the desolate back ally, his worn out overcoat only being disturbed by the occasional lonely breeze whistling past. If you didn't know better, you could have easily mistaken him for a statue - the only thing that deterred this line of thought was his eyelids closing and opening intermittently. Even his eyes were set, unmoving, down the dark ally in front of him.Its an exception because Abe's a noob. He can't defend himself
She was coming.
Slowly, a silhouette came into view. Through the smog in the back ally, the only thing really visible was the glow of the ungodly red eyes that the figure possessed. A drop of perspiration slowly rolled down Abe's arm, but he maintained his gaze levelly onward. As the figure got closer, a faint, somehow warped laugh became audible.
Don't run. You can't run.
Unconsciously, Abe's right leg shifted back slightly, and his right hand balled into a fist. He was shaking - almost imperceptibly, but he was shaking. The figure came into better view. She wielded a sickeningly large scythe like it was as light as a feather, and her face was twisted into a wicked grin. The laughter was more audible now - it was loud, and sounded like it came from a nightmare. Her irises were bright, crimson red, and her sclerae were tainted as black as a moonless night.
Run. Abe, run. Run now. You can't face that thing.
Abe's legs were locked in place. He was like a rabbit that had been caught in front of headlights. Finally, panic driving him forward, he charged at the monster in front of him. He struck out with his fist, and it made contact with her face. Abe smiled, a disbelieving, panicked smile - but it only lasted a split second. The scythe whipped around and Abe's hand was sliced clean off. The young man's scream echoed through the forbidding ally way.
GET OUT. FIND SOME WAY TO ESCAPE.
Turning around, Abe tried to run, to get away. The pole of the scythe slammed into the centre of his back. Now on the ground, he crawled, clawing at the ground with his remaining hand, and trying to drag himself with the severed limb. "do you know why this happened Abe?", the twisted, inhuman voice crooned, "it's because you're a noob. You can't defend yourself"
Is this how it ends?
The laughter grew louder before slowly fading away, leaving Abe humiliated and bloody on the floor of the ally way.
P.S. Kat (Arstotzkan) is evil, pls lynch d1
amanda1983
Senior Member
Oh my gosh that is *awesome* Endless!!!
(Just a couple of tiny things that jumped out at me - you should put "alley" instead of "ally" every time it's used, and "ground" instead of "floor" in the final sentence ; otherwise this is perfect!)
(Just a couple of tiny things that jumped out at me - you should put "alley" instead of "ally" every time it's used, and "ground" instead of "floor" in the final sentence ; otherwise this is perfect!)
Whoops, what an egregious typo. I couldn't remember how to spell it and relied on my spell checker.
Of course it gave me ally instead of alley.
Originally I had "dusty ground" instead of floor there, but I figured floor left more to the imagination and I was fine with that, since the less I define of that the more the reader can set the mood themselves.
- - - Post Merge - - -
There's also a word at the beginning of a sentence that I forgot to capatalise the first letter of, most likely because it was speech.
Arstotzkan
A scum mom
BRB DYING
IC ANT
I PHYSICALLY CAN NOT
IC ANT
I PHYSICALLY CAN NOT
amanda1983
Senior Member
S'okay, you're new, these things happen (your sig doesn't specify what you're new *to* so I guess it can apply to anything haha)
The use of "floor" pulled me right out of the narrative since alleys = outside and floor = inside. The only overlap I'm aware of is the kind of alley built on a stage for filming and that didn't seem to fit the story. It's not a big deal, of course, just that I'm very aware of things like this as I work with young children and the floor vs ground type of thing comes up a lot.
(Also, it's "capitalise" instead of "capatalise" and I'm going to try not to notice any more spelling/grammar stuff now I swear!)
Don't listen to Abe's silver tongued lies! Kat is an innocent soul who can do no wrong!
Arstotzkan
A scum mom
