Problems with Parents?

[justina]

Hi everyone! I hope this thread is appropriate to post. Lately I have been having a lot of issues with my parents not accepting my lifestyle or my opinions on certain things and wanted to know if anyone else here had similar problems? Did you limit contact with your parents?

I feel that I am being forced to choose between their acceptance and love and the life I want and I just don’t know how to handle it.

 

[Croconaw]

I cut off several family members for not accepting my lifestyle. In my opinion, it’s okay to cut off people even if they are related to you. My uncle always used to threaten me if I ever moved away from Pittsburgh, and I cut him off immediately. I’m not going to stay in a place where I’m not happy. I haven’t spoken to him for years.

 

[-Raven-]

I always have yo. Just judge on a case-by-case basis what they’re saying about you or trying to keep from you. Be confident in your own viewpoints.

The way I view it, I don’t want to live with my parents forever, so I put myself first. Simple as that. If you want to move out eventually, you can live how you want then. They shouldn’t dictate your lifestyle, just step in if you’re genuinely doing something harmful.
It’s easy for me to say though, because my parents never truly accepted me. I don’t listen to them about lifestyle, dreams, etc. They moreso expect me to love them just because they’re my parents, even though they only give me negative reinforcement with things I care about and leave their problems on me. i.e., they never say I have a good idea or treat me well when I’m responsible, they just tell me not to do stupid things (which is absolutely everything, apparently) and only focus on my problems. And they didn’t help me find work or get back to school, I even pushed for them, but they let me down on those needs. They are awful role models. Learned to make my own judgements instead. I’m bi when as far as I can tell my own dad is homophobic and c’mon that’s just wrong of him. I’m bigender and my friends can’t understand, let alone my parents, given my specific relationship with them I think saying it to them is more effort than it’s worth.

So not trying to cause some existential dread, but if my parents really hated me for what I want in life- nothing criminal, malicious, etc- do they really love me, or do they just love having a daughter? My sister is a lot more “normal” and cares about family values, and they certainly give her more love. /:

If it isn’t too much to ask I’m curious what exactly you want in your lifestyle that they disapprove of? If it’s just something like a fashion statement, I think you shouldn’t listen to them. Also, if you’re still in your teens, it’s honestly a great time to do “stupid things” you can bounce back from sooner and grow from. There’s so much I wish I could have done when I was young but was outright stopped from doing, and now have too much responsibility for me to enjoy it, or just don’t see those things the same way, etc. You’re living in the present. Enjoy it. Now if you’re under your parents’ roof then yes maybe there are things they don’t want in their home that should be respected, but it depends what it is and don’t take nonsense about getting to do things “one day” or “eventually” if they use it as an excuse for everything. Good luck.

 

[justina]

I always have yo. Just judge on a case-by-case basis what they’re saying about you or trying to keep from you. Be confident in your own viewpoints.

The way I view it, I don’t want to live with my parents forever, so I put myself first. Simple as that. If you want to move out eventually, you can live how you want then. They shouldn’t dictate your lifestyle, just step in if you’re genuinely doing something harmful.
It’s easy for me to say though, because my parents never truly accepted me. I don’t listen to them about lifestyle, dreams, etc. They moreso expect me to love them just because they’re my parents, even though they only give me negative reinforcement with things I care about and leave their problems on me. i.e., they never say I have a good idea or treat me well when I’m responsible, they just tell me not to do stupid things (which is absolutely everything, apparently) and only focus on my problems. And they didn’t help me find work or get back to school, I even pushed for them, but they let me down on those needs. They are awful role models. Learned to make my own judgements instead. I’m bi when as far as I can tell my own dad is homophobic and c’mon that’s just wrong of him. I’m bigender and my friends can’t understand, let alone my parents, given my specific relationship with them I think saying it to them is more effort than it’s worth.

So not trying to cause some existential dread, but if my parents really hated me for what I want in life- nothing criminal, malicious, etc- do they really love me, or do they just love having a daughter? My sister is a lot more “normal” and cares about family values, and they certainly give her more love. /:

If it isn’t too much to ask I’m curious what exactly you want in your lifestyle that they disapprove of? If it’s just something like a fashion statement, I think you shouldn’t listen to them. Also, if you’re still in your teens, it’s honestly a great time to do “stupid things” you can bounce back from sooner and grow from. There’s so much I wish I could have done when I was young but was outright stopped from doing, and now have too much responsibility for me to enjoy it, or just don’t see those things the same way, etc. You’re living in the present. Enjoy it. Now if you’re under your parents’ roof then yes maybe there are things they don’t want in their home that should be respected, but it depends what it is and don’t take nonsense about getting to do things “one day” or “eventually” if they use it as an excuse for everything. Good luck.

I hope this is not against any rules but my parents are very religious and also controlling. I am not even allowed to leave the house without telling them where I’m going who will be there etc. i am also tracked with a location tracker. They want me to only date other people in the religion etc. I am also not a teen and am well over 21!

 

[Kitsuragi]

i'd say to prioritize yourself and your feelings. having parents are great but you do not owe them anything. you are responsible for your own happiness and if that means cutting your parents out, then you should do what's best for you. some people do low contact with their parents instead of completely cut off and that works for them.

Spoiler: rant

i don't see anything wrong with cutting out parents or any family if they affect your quality of life and mental health. i encourage people to evaluate their standings with their family. my mom is awful and i wish she was not related to me in any way. my boyfriend's father is an even worse human being and we're currently going through the healing process of him accepting his turmoil with his father. awful parents can scar you for life.
if you feel like your mental health would be better with a lower/non contact relationship with your parents, it's nothing you should be ashamed of or feel guilty of. i feel much better not having my mom around. she was jealous, greedy, manipulative and narcissistic. i don't miss her.

Post automatically merged: Sep 7, 2022

I hope this is not against any rules but my parents are very religious and also controlling. I am not even allowed to leave the house without telling them where I’m going who will be there etc. i am also tracked with a location tracker. They want me to only date other people in the religion etc. I am also not a teen and am well over 21!

i don't want to armchair therapist but this is not healthy behavior and abnormally extreme. there's no reason you should be tracked by anybody over the age of 21. over the age of 18, even. sharing religion with your family can be great if they all find comfort in spirituality but it sounds like you're being forced to adhere to their religious principals. that's not healthy behavior.

i may be getting cynical about this and i hope im not being too harsh on an animal crossing forum im passionate about this topic though

 

[-Raven-]

Oh yeah, hopefully this isn’t crossing a line talking about this here, but that isn’t normal and seems pretty unhealthy.

Franny is right 100%. I also keep my sister away from me because she basically doesn’t believe my PTSD or allergy are real and she says I NEED medicine and she’s condescending and always tells me to screw myself. I think although we’re strangers on the internet my writing here should be enough to show I’m not quite that far gone. I’m not mistaken about my allergy or something lol.

I don’t think asking where you’re going is abnormal and maybe not even who you’d be with- maybe at that age it is, but I don’t think it would really feel controlling just for them to ask- but combined with everything else that sounds very wrong. Unfortunately, I don’t know how to get out of my own parents’ house, I minimise my interaction with them anyway- they’re nothing like yours and I myself am stuck, I wish I had some help for both of us. I think by now you should have known it’s not normal of them, so sorry if it seems condescending saying all this but if you didn’t realise, don’t feel guilty.

 

[amemome]

Wowie, your situation sounds really similar to mine! I also have religious, stubborn, and controlling/anxious parents who love to breathe down my neck like dinosaurs. And I'm a grown adult too, almost out of my 20s now.

Let me know if you find out what to do I've struggled a lot with trying to be in control over my life and my privacy while still having my parents in my life (which... I think is the hardest part! I love them and want them in my life but they need to back off and treat me like an adult).

I'm planning on minimizing contact with them once I get a stable job and can afford to move out. I think once I have complete financial independence and some distance, it will be harder for them to trample over my boundaries. I think showing will be better than telling in my situation, and don't feel absolutely sure that I need to go no contact yet.

Hope your situation improves! Best of luck.

 

[tiffanistarr]

I can’t express how important it is for your mental health to go no contact with people like that, even if they are your parents. What they are doing is abusive and not okay at all. You are a grown person who does not need to be watched all the time. Nobody should and the longer you expose yourself to that kind of emotional damage and trauma the longer it will take to heal from it.

There are so many things that end up really imprinting on your life without knowing they did. It’s unhealthy because subconsciously it’s all you know, so some toxic traits get passed down because of these lack of boundaries and respect.

As far as the religion goes, it’s extremely harmful for them to continue to push these beliefs and rules on you. I’m glad you’re able to see that. At the end of the day all you have in this life is YOU. Yes, we have people we love and trust and dedicate time to, but you have to put yourself and your own happiness at a high level of importance.

Depending on where you live, there may be support groups for people in the same or a similar situation. There might be resources to help you get into a position where you can move out and start putting yourself first.

Please please reach out to me if you need help or if you need help finding resources. Once again, get into the habit of putting yourself first. Stand your ground and stay dedicated to your beliefs and lifestyle. Don’t let them take you away from you. They are teaching what I am sure they were taught. It’s emotionally and mentally damaging though. You don’t have to continue on their cycle.

Stay strong!

 

[tumut]

The answer is simple: If they don't love you for who you are, then they don't really love you. They love their vision and idea of you, who they want you to be. They have to respect you, and if they don't then they have no reason to demand your respect. Your happiness and well being is important after all.


I recommend becoming independent as soon as is feasible and setting boundaries, while trying to focus on positives in the relationship you have with them if possible. It's no easy task.

Good luck.

 

[Neb]

I have a mostly stable relationship with my moms. They’ve both acted poorly in the past, but I still respect them and think they’re good people. My non-blood related mom and I get along great. We have similar personalities and we can talk about nearly anything. Coming out to her for both my gender and sexuality were very easy. She’s also very understanding about my long term goals.

My relationship with my birth mom is a little harder. Much like her dad, she is heavily opinionated. She is rarely open to alternative ideas. Most of her beliefs are good thankfully, but she’s a bit behind on current views on gender and sexuality. Despite being a lesbian she doesn’t believe in anything other than straight, gay, lesbian, bisexuality, or pansexuality. Likewise, she still believes in the gender binary. While I had no issue coming out as pansexual I will never tell her I’m genderfluid. She wouldn’t disown me or anything, but it would be met with an insensitive comment. I also find how she won’t let me develop my independence frustrating. Every time I brought up wanting to move to another state or country she talked about how sad it would make her. It took her years to accept my major too. When she found out that I was moving to another city in my state she immediately made plans to find an apartment in that area. She said her reason why she won’t let me be independent is that “you have autism and can’t take care of yourself yet.” I understand she doesn’t want me to leave her behind, but treating me like I’m still 12 is aggravating.

Ultimately I decided to just not bring up those subjects with her. When she does bring them up, which isn’t rare, I just follow along with her suggestions. If they’re reasonable then I consider them. There are times her advice was useful, so I’m not against listening. It’s not ideal, but it’s kept our relationship stable.

If what your parents are doing is bothering you to the point where you can’t take it anymore I would suggest cutting ties for at least a while. If things don’t become better then keep your distance.

 

[Croconaw]

I can’t express how important it is for your mental health to go no contact with people like that, even if they are your parents. What they are doing is abusive and not okay at all. You are a grown person who does not need to be watched all the time. Nobody should and the longer you expose yourself to that kind of emotional damage and trauma the longer it will take to heal from it.

I love this paragraph right here. I cut off a particular family member, but the problem is that my grandmother keeps relaying messages from that person to me. I don’t want there to be a middleman. I cut them off for a reason and hearing what he said from my grandmother really defeats the purpose. I wish it was more normalized to cut off contact with family members.

 

[LuchaSloth]

I've never had any issues with my parents being supportive of any of my choices in life. But...both of my parents frustrate me on a regular basis. It's kinda like they both got stuck at a certain point and never progressed any further from a psychological perspective. Both are very stuck in their ways and just doing things in kind of ridiculous ways. My mom means well, but can be overbearing/clingy in her approach. I know she just gets bored and wants people to spend time with her...but it comes off as way too needy, which makes it hard. And my dad just became a huge conspiracy theorist and is basically as far from "grounded" as possible. I don't even speak with him anymore. I don't have any animosity towards him. I actually feel bad that he has allowed so much noise into his head...but there is no common ground that we can connect on at this point.

 

[xSuperMario64x]

lmao yall don't wanna hear abt my parents

 

[pottercrossing]

@xSuperMario64x i think the eyes explain enough

 

[xSuperMario64x]

@xSuperMario64x i think the eyes explain enough

it's certainly some spicy tea.

 

[Mr_Keroppi]

im so glad im much happier now! this thread is coming back and i was kinda a flop

 

[Shawna]

I hope what I am about to talk about falls under the general topic. This doesn't just pertain to my parents but my paternal grandma and my brother too.

(I live with my dad and my brother. And my paternal grandma/my dad's mom only lives a few minutes from us. I also lived with my mom as well from 1998, my birth year, to 2019, which , my parents where married from 1996 to 2019, then they had my brother at year 2000)

I love my family, but I feel like they can be ignorant what it comes to being on the autism spectrum. They can even be insensitive at times (ignorance can lead to worse things like insensitivity). I am not officially diagnosed with it, but I also struggle with a lot of ADHD symptoms.

They expect me to just "overcome", "get over", "snap out of it", etc. when it comes to my symptoms, when it just isn't like that. This is one of the reasons why I am looking forward to getting my own place in the future. I will not have to deal with this anymore, and I can just get together with my family on a reasonable basis for lunch or something. Despite being younger, my brother will probably get his own place first (if he even does). Deep down, I am looking forward to it. He can be a cool and nice dude, but I will not have to deal with ignorance and insensitive from him as often.

And it is not just my family, no. I am not saying that they are the only ones at fault. I have also dealt with teachers (when I was in school) like this and even random people online.

ASD and ADHD are still very overlooked and underestimated. And the thing is, they vary greatly from person to person (especially the former), so it is misunderstood even by people who themselves have it. I want to do everything in my power to make it so we are most understood and validated. It would not be a cure-all solution, but it would make a world of difference.

 

[Romaki]

My parents really don't accept negative emotions and I'm a very sensitive person. My sister is also like them, but funnily enough they fight more often than I get yelled at. I just wish my family would go to therapy, it's all just deep-rooted unhappiness and childhood trauma. I'm so glad my niece grew up with me as well, she at least grew up into a very kind and loving preteen with a hard shell. She'll be fine.

My parents are mostly fine and I love them, but they are the kind of people I avoid. Catty and aggressive. They also have a lot of good sides, but I feel like they haven't left high school in their minds. They are pretty good parents though apart from their inability to handle their and other people's emotions.

 

[nightglow]

I thought for a few months on what to say and the best way for me to healthily participate in this convo.

When living with parents in an unhealthy relationship, the best thoughts I can give are:

> limit interaction when possible if positive interaction isn't common.
>Become independent as soon as you can. Consider outside help to get there if needed. >Take each day at a time.. or even a half day at a time.
>Though it may be hard to set boundaries when living with them, make sturdy lines when you do eventually move out.
>You are not obligated to keep connections with them if things are/continue to be horribly toxic. Mental/physical health first.
>If possible, and when ready, visit a therapist. They will be able to help you more than anyone online could and help you stay grounded in reality.
>When you are independent and are trying to still have a positive connection with them still, don't allow them to control you through your cell phone. Dont allow them changing tactics via the phone throw you off either.
>Many times they were treated poorly too. Though it isn't an excuse, it can help keep humanity of a person in mind.
>If you were put into isolation, try working on socialization when you can. Being able to socialize is very important in adult life and part of surviving honestly. Just do your best.

Unhealthy living environments can vary greatly and have great challenges, even if you have a personality that does help you in harsh living conditions. The effects are long lasting and you may realize things later that you may have to work out, to adjust to/that explains things, to help yourself live better. Not sure how else to word that last part.
I wish the best for you, reader(s).

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

I have some issues with my dad but I’ve come to terms that there are things about me that he’ll never understand and that it’s his problem, not mine. I mostly stay around the area because he needs help running his business and also partly due to my Asian heritage and cultural beliefs which he values a lot. He does give some space so it isn’t all bad.