It has come to my attention that Cabin 4's victory may be no mere feat of skill. In fact, from what I hear, this Cabin is full of no-good, dirty-rotten, CHEATERS. Who CHEAT. Which is NOT NICE.
I once knew a guy who cheated at Uno. Nobody liked him after that. A couple of my friends and myself were just hanging out. Ya know, having a good time. Some would have even said they were having a grand old time. There was Strawberry Ice Cream and Root Beer. Such things always make for a Grand Time. The only way we could think to make the party more fun was to play one of our favourite games: UNO! So we busted out the deck and threw our money in the middle (everyone knows gambling makes anything better. I once gambled with an Asian man in Connecticut. We played for 17 hours before he passed out. I think he was dead) as we got ready for an intense game. We were playing big money (the pot was nearly $1.73), but I was confident in my abilities as a professional Uno player. The others at the table were skilled, but I knew no one could match my World Class abilities. Zack Parker was there, and I was sure that he had placed 2nd in last year's Grand World Universe Super Spectacular American Championship Uno Competition Extravaganza. Ryan Fernandez was a Money Match champion from way back in the day, an OG as many in the Competitive Uno Scene will tell you. I also recognized Daniel Douthwright, a newcomer who had made a name for himself in this new-fangled "Internet" scene. There was one other guy at the table. His name was just "Syarith". He sucked. Everyone knew he sucked. He had a tendency to try and play low-tier colours. This just doesn't work. His Red could never match up with the likes of Zack and his World-Class Yellow. But the thing is, Syartih got a lot of Random 4s that day. TOO MANY Random 4s, to be exact. Eventually, we had lost about a combined $3.92 (basically our entire weekly allowance!), Zack got up and punched Syarith straight in the face. We all felt bad for a second, until we saw a pile of Random 4s fall out of his pocket! Then none of us felt bad anymore. Ryan raped him while Zack recorded it, and then Daniel keyed his car. Do you know why? Because he was a *censored.3.0*ING CHEATER. And nobody likes *censored.3.0*ING CHEATERS. When Syarith's whore mother called the cops, they came to investigate. Ryan quickly admitted to the rape, and Daniel even showed off the key he used to destroy the car. When the police asked why we did this, we explained that he was a *censored.3.0*ING CHEATER. They were outraged. They quickly placed Syarith under arrest. He was executed 2 days later. Nobody likes a *censored.3.0*ING CHEATER.
Anyways, like I was saying, I heard you guys were cheating. Here I was, proud of my bestestest friends, ready to break out the Strawberry Ice Cream and get wild. When I heard this news, I was absolutely crushed. I was so angry that I threw the Ice Cream away. And Straweberry is my favourite flavour. I can't believe your guys would do this to me.
When I first heard it, from some Canadian *censored.7.4* that no one cares about, I was in denial. I was thinking "No, my best buddies from FuD Forums would never do such a thing like cheating! They organize fun events! They create super-badass flash games that everyone in the world should try! They have the FuD Fiesta, which is on July 24th, tomorrow, that everyone should go to the forums for! They have Bun Buns and amazing coats! They would never do such a thing! Not those great people from that great Fud Forums that everyone should check out!"
But, I could not deny it for very long. Because the claim was validated by a much more reliable source. It was now Olivia with the claims of cheating, and she was from THE BELL TREE. Everyone knows the people from THE BELL TREE could never lie or be wrong about anything! They like to play Animal Crossing and house more furries per square inch than any other Invision Nintendo Board out there! Surely these fine folks could never make such a claim without absolute proof! So I knew it must be true: the constant *censored.4.1* and complaints were totally justified. There would be no more denying it. Cabin 4 cheated, and Zack and I helped them do it.
Surely, I never recall such an event, but no I know in my heart of hearts I must have done it. I am ashamed of the great injustices I have caused to Cabin 3, who are undoubtedly only in last place because I have friends in Cabin 4. While I may not remember exactly what it was I did to sabotage them, it must have been bad. There was one time I was playing Hide and Seek Tag with a few of my friends. I had a fantastic hiding spot and I was there undiscovered for upwards of 30 minutes. Eventually, though, Zack Parker was able to use the super-sensitive sense of smell that all gay men are given at birth (or possibly Bed, Bath, & Beyond. It was one of those two, I can't quite remember which one) in order to track me down. Even though I was spotted, I knew I still had a chance. I ran, and ran, and ran, and Zack is kinda fat so I was able to make some space. After I felt comfortable I turned around to see if I could spot chubby eating my dust, but just then I ran face first into a metal pole. I don't really remember much else from this point. This is clear 100% proof that I helped Cabin 4 cheat and merely cannot remember doing it.
I would ask this shamed Cabin to surrender the Title. To Step down, and allow another group of no-life losers with way too much time on their hands to claim ultimate bragging rights. Smash Camp Winning Cabin is something that must be trained for. I know Bacon Boy spent all of June in his basement making sure he was ripe and pale to compete in this serious online test of endurance. Such dedication, however, was reduced to nothing by this dastardly band of cheaters. You did not make the sacrifices he made; cancelling all his plans to get those Dungeons and Dragons cram sessions in, the $5 monthly charge for Runescape, and the hours and hours of masturbating to extreme fetish porn. And yet you've robbed him of the prizes that Smash Camp offers but ultimately never delivers. This was what he lived for. And you ******** ruined it all.
In other news, today is now officially Zack Parker's Birthday on the East Coast! Zack is one of my greatest internet friends of all times. I love him in the kinda gay kinda not way that you can only experience with a huge *censored.7.4* that lives in some grimy southern state. I first met Zack in 2006. We were both wee lads with huge penises regardless of our lack of descended testicles. There, myself and another inbred hick from some grimy southern state orally berated Zack until he left the forum like a crying little *censored.4.0*. But he really had absolutely no life so he came back sooner or later anyways. At first we didn't really talk, because Zack was E-Dating some guy who now dates a chick that's face is basically a ballsack. However, as time past and we both grew to be older and bigger *censored.1.2* trolls, we became friends. Then we started talking on a more regular basis, I cried to him about my bull*censored.2.0* ******ry and e-dating drama, and he always listened with the compassion of a true friend. I don't know what I would have done without his homosexual come-ons during my times of crisis. He never let me down and supported me whenever I asked, even if it meant staying up till 3 AM. I love Zack Parker, and I want to wish him a happy birthday, on this July 24th, 2010. Happy 19th, brother.
Back to the main point of this topic, Cabin 4 are all cheaters. Eat a bag of dicks and die. Cabin 3 deserved this win. I will do everything in my extremely limited powers to make sure they get what they deserve.
LOVE ALWAYS AND FOREVER, MIKE <3333333333
