Hello, Noir! Welcome! Thank you for stopping by!
I am studying to ultimately, obtain my Masters in Psychology in the stream of Applied Social (which is more Research-based, than Clinical-based) and pursue my Doctorate (PhD in Psychology) to become a professor and teach at a university. However, I also want to obtain my license to have a clinical practice, which is why in the Doctoral program I will need a Practicum and experience in the field. I currently work in a Peer Support Centre that has given me some training in counselling, and I have also been trained in the Clinical stream of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) - If you'll notice, in many of my posts, I use the CBT model when giving advice to people, because that's the approach I am trained in, and according to most practitioners, agreeably it is the most effective across the board with most clients, however there are other approaches to therapy as well. CBT is my preferred approach because based on my own personal struggles with mental illness, I have found that you can't "switch off" your emotions. But there IS a link between your THOUGHTS and how you FEEL. Usually your Thoughts are Automatic. They are channelled through "Core Beliefs". Sometimes "Core Beliefs" can be very negative, and be distorted, and we become very defensive and protective of them and have difficulty challenging them for the same reason you don't bring up Religion and Politics and dinner parties - they are sensitive subjects that people have strong opinions about: Core Beliefs, that they will strongly defend. But what if your Core Belief was "I am a loser" or "I'm worthless" as strongly as it was "I believe in God" or "The Sky is Blue" or "2+2=4"? So if you can't change how you feel, isn't it liberating to know its within your grasp to change how you think? Its within YOUR power to challenge your Core Beliefs that feed your negative thought patterns that run trough your mind like a broken record! You can replace those thoughts with different ones, affirmations, and teach yourself to alter the way you think, which will alter the way you feel. And when you have REALLY reached rock bottom and changing the way you THINK is too difficult, the CBT model doesn't give up on you yet! You can change your BEHAVIOUR and force yourself to do the activities you used to enjoy doing to get back into a routine. Those sorts of things life your mood and allow you to think clearer that you can really sit down and become self-aware of your thought patterns and challenge them as they appear. Negative thought patterns, by the way are also known as "Cognitive Distortions". HOW do you challenge them, you ask? THAT's where I, or a therapist comes in. I have the tools to help you at my disposal. So THAT is why I like this model. Change your Behaviour - Change Your Thoughts - Which in turn, Changes how you Feel - and the cycle continues, you behaviour patterns change: you isolate less and socialize more, you smoke/drink less, you eat healthier, you exercise more, you are more motivated and productive, etc.... That's how the model works. So that is (in quite a lengthy description) what I am studying for - Clinical Practice in CBT, as well as a professorship.
I want to share with you something: Its called a Personal Bill of Rights from The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. This is an adaptation, done by Mary-Ellen Copeland, the author of the Wellness Recovery Action Plan:
https://www.wcupa.edu/_services/stu.lgb/Documents/PersonalBillofRights_000.doc
Take a look at the items on that list. REALLY take them in.
"Is it healthy to be bitter..."
Now if you are asking a sort of "Forgive and Forget" type of scenario, I am not for that type of thinking. CBT is NOT about "The Power of Positive Thinking". Or Denial. Or "NEVER HAVING A NEGATIVE EMOTION EVER!". NO.
Stress. Anger. Anxiety. These are all HEALTHY, human and NECESSARY emotions for SURVIVAL. Its WHY WE HAVE THEM.
First and foremost, 1. You have the RIGHT to feel bitter towards them. They were abusive towards you. You were hurt, and you have the right to feel hurt. Its what you DO with that hurt that is within YOUR control. How will you cope? It has NOTHING to do with THEM. Will you drink? Will you smoke? Will you withdrawal? Will you self-harm? Will you act out aggressively? THOSE ARE CHOICES. Choices you MUST take accountability for.
What are the Anger Rules?
1. Don't Hurt Others
2. Don't Damage Property
3. Don't Hurt Yourself.
Yes, you can feel bitter, but its what you DO with that bitterness that matters. EXTERNAL of them. FOCUS ON YOU.
As for the loss of your cousin, I truly sympathize and I offer my deepest condolences. My mother died July 6th 2010, so that anniversary is coming up. I watched her bleed to death. My father is my only other living relative, and he is an abusive alcoholic, 5 hours away that doesn't even know my age, never mind my major at university.
I will say this: what is beneath the surface may not be what's shown. Your sisters MAY STILL be grieving, they may just not be showing it. Alternatively, I often get the question (and you may too), "Were you close?". AS IF THAT SHOULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE - SHE WAS MY ****ING MOTHER!!!! (But yes, we were VERY close). I guess it DOES matter.... perhaps if you're not close with someone it makes it easier to grieve? If your sisters weren't close to your cousin, then they didn't have the special relationship you had, so naturally you would have a harder time. Why should that bother you? THEY CAN GO **** THEMSELVES. Have some respect. If family means anything to them (in my family it doesn't, but in SOME family it does) they should have the decency to give you your space to grieve in your own time. Remember the Bill of Right? "I have the Right to Ask for What I Want"? There. Spell it out to them. Be Assertive. Don't take **** from them. It took me YEARS to stand up to my Dad. But there is a difference between Assertive Communication and Aggressive Communication. As well as Passive and Passive-Aggressive Communication. (I don't know what your style is). But its important to practice assertiveness. Write down EXACTLY what you want on a piece of paper. Rehearse it. Calmly. Confront them. Calmly. Spell it out. Clearly, effectively. If they give you back talk, use the broken record method - just repeat yourself. "I understand that, but [INSERT REQUEST HERE]" ***BLAH BLAH BLAH YAK YAK YAK SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM*** "Uh huh.... [INSERT REQUEST HERE]".... repeat. Works every time with annoying people like that.
Hope that helps a bit! Let me know if I can assist with ANYTHING else, you are ALWAYS welcome here and my inbox is always open ^^
