The KiloPatches Advice Column and Q&A Thread!
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KiloPatches
Senior Member
I say Rosie because she looks the cutest. Might I suggest Sprinkle or Agent S? They are GREAT Peppy villagers!
- - - Post Merge - - -
Yes, and not drug-induced.
I have experienced depression with psychotic features. Its where I hear voices in my head telling me to kill myself - not like a self-inside-voice that has an internal desire to want to die, but like an actual hallucinogenic voice of someone's voice other than my own, that as some sort of authority (in my mind) coming from the walls demanding me to act. Its very haunting.
I have also experienced psychotic symptoms where I would be sitting in an empty classroom and hear knocking, as though a group of people were sitting behind me ere banging on the wooden desks with their fists. But when I turned around - there was no one there..... I have not been diagnosed with Schizophrenia. I am Bipolar. The psychosis I had was triggered my immense anxiety and depression I had studying for my Ground School exam (to become a pilot) and me beating myself up....
I haven't experienced psychotic symptoms in many years, with the exception of the one instance when I was prescribed an antidepressant and I was thrown into a manic phase that caused visual hallucinations.
lunathenia
Senior Member
First of all I just want to thank you for the honesty and level of depth when answering these types of questions. I asked for details because I also have mental issues... I think. I haven't really spoken with therapists yet because I get the feeling that all they will do is 1) drag on time for more money 2) prescribe medications from pharmaceutical companies they have affiliation with or maybe even sponsored by or w.e (as a psych student can you shed some light on this) (sort of like dentists, vets promoting certain brands of tooth brush, paste, dog food, toys, snacks). I've had a few appointments with my uni's counselors but they felt so unprofessional. I should've booked more appointments but I just felt as if they couldn't relate to me at all and wouldn't even bother trying. As if they were just faking it and forced to be there since its their job and they need income (like everyone else). Anyways this ended up being a ramble but here's my question:
Since you've been taking medication for such a long period of time, do you have any suspicion that perhaps, the medication is making your problems worse in the long run and only temporarily helping you relieve symptoms?
Also, I apologize if this is a trigger and if it is you can ignore it. The suicidal voice inside your head, did it start as your own voice and then became what it is now? I experience this almost daily but its my own voice.
KiloPatches
Senior Member
Hi there! Thanks for your question, and for opening up. This is a safe, non-judgemental place. You certainly didn't trigger me in any way. Its good to know that I am not alone in my struggle - that even GREAT people like you have similar problems (I think we have traded in the past). ^^
This is the way I have always seen it:
First and foremost, my psychiatrist is renowned as one of the best in Southern Ontario. I didn't choose her. She was the University psychiatrist for a time and thats how I met her, through Student Health Services,, but she also had a private practice, while ALSO leading the Geriatric Mental Health Unit and Mood and Anxiety Treatment Program at the hospital.... anyway.... she ended up getting a promotion at her private practice at the hospital that demanded more hours from her and she couldn't work at Student Health Services anymore. I liked the rapport I had with her. I had worked with her for YEARS. I had the option of starting from Square One and working with the replacement psychiatrist, or, take her up on her offer to follow her to her Private Practice. So that's what I did.
I am nor sure how it is in other parts of the world, but in Canada, it works like this: Psychiatrists are basically Physicians. They go through Med School. They have the ability to prescribe medication, unlike Psychologists, who only do Talk Therapy and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. In Canada we have free health care (to a point) for certain services. Seeing a Psychiatrist is covered because they are under the umbrella of "doctors" much like seeing your family doctor is free too. However seeing a Psychologist is NOT covered. Although MOST Psychologists ARE PhDs, they usually operate out of their own private sphere, they can't prescribe medication, they are not licensed medical doctors, and therefore they can charge whatever they want for treatment because their services are not covered by our "free health care" health insurance. Which is fine. Its usually in the scope of $100-$125 per hour. However, I get a Bursary each year for $2000 for that exactly purpose - seeing a psychologist. That gets me 20 sessions, with the psychologist I am seeing now. I submit the receipts, and then I can get the bursary again the next year to "prove" I am ACTUALLY using the money towards a psychologist, not anything else!
I live by this philosophy: You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink, so to speak. My Psychologist and Psychiatrist can try to do all sorts of things, but if I AM NOT AN ACTIVE PARTICIPANT IN MY TREATMENT, NOTHING WILL GET DONE, and I WILL NOT GET BETTER. So I do my homework. I track my symptoms. I track my mood. I present my psychiatrist with data she can understand (like I have this app on my phone that graphs how much sleep I have had, I took my meds, if I was on my period, if I was anxious, irritable, manic, depressed, (mild, moderate, severe), etc.... and I present her with this graph when I see her so she can see the changes that have occurred since the last medication adjustment (or whatever)). I realized long ago that I have to be an active participant in my recovery for me to get the help I need. I NEED to listen to my doctor. I NEED to take my meds as directed. I NEED to use CBT techniques outside of therapy sessions.
There was an instance once were I was prescribed an antipsychotic over the summer that caused rapid weight gain. It was a possible side effect, but we needed to get me out of a manic episode FAST or else I would crash into depression and not be able to function at school for the upcoming term. Sure enough, I gained a TON of weight, and that is a BIG No-No for me with meds. I refuse to take meds that cause weight gain. I was pleased with how effective this medication was otherwise - I was sleeping better, I had better concentration, I felt happier, my mood was stable..... BUT I WAS FAT! At the very least, I was uncomfortable with the weight I was at, "fat" or not. For whatever reason, she was booked up for like 6 weeks and I couldn't see her for an AWFUL long time to complain about this side effect. But I TRUSTED her. My psychiatrist went through med school. Time and time again, she has demonstrated being well-rehearsed in every drug in the book, both old and new. She wouldn't steer me down the wrong path. So I continued to take it. When I saw her next, I told her exactly that, and she was completely flattered. "Most people would have stopped taking the medication if they were in your position!". But that would be non-compliance. 1) Stopping a drug cold turkey after taking it for some time can be dangerous, 2) I needed to stop that manic episode and worry about the weight later, 3) I am of the belief that her instructions are by NO MEANS "experimental". There IS some, in fact A LOT of thought put into it. She must balance what she knows about my OTHER medications in conjunction with the new med, how it will interact based on what she has seen in other clients and in studies she has researched..... Its not all "Guess Work" being a psychiatrist. I DON'T feel like a guinea pig by ANY means. Its a LOT of work, she put YEARS of study a time and dedication into her practice to get where she is today and I admire that. She gave me a medication to counteract the weight gain and I have been losing weight ever since, while still getting the benefits of the antipsychotic. Its all about communication.
Another thing..... because I am a psychology student, I have a unique relationship with my psychiatrist. "I know too much" so-to-speak. I have read it all, studied it all..... I know more about my condition than the average client she sees. I also speak her language. I can identify my symptoms accurately using proper psychological terms rather than giving vague descriptions, and pin point exactly how I am feeling so she understands. We are on a level playing field. I feel like an equal. I feel valued. She would never do anything to cause me harm. She wouldn't prescribe me something she didn't know much about as an "experiment" just to "see what would happen". And for the record, she doesn't profit from feeding me so-and-so meds. In fact, for some of my more expensive meds she ALWAYS gives me free samples.... like BOXES of them to last me till me next appointment so I NEVER have to pay for them. Some of my meds aren't available in sample form, but they are cheap and I don't mind paying because I am on the University Drug Plan.
I know A LOT of people feel like you do and feel like guinea pigs and feel controlled by the system but..... how does that attitude help anyone? Its NOT going to get you ANYWHERE in your recovery if you don't listen to your doctor because I am sorry, you DON'T know better than they do. Feel free to object and voice your opinion. I don't like meds tat make me drowsy and cause weight gain. I tell her that, she avoids putting me on meds that cause that, or if its an emergency situation where she needs to, she will put me on a med to counteract those side effects.
I hope you will take what I said to heart....
As for the voice in my head, it never started as my "own voice" so-to-speak.
I mean.... I would have the urge to kill myself before the voice, yes. And have thoughts of suicidal ideation, yes. But my cognitive processes don't work in terms of auditory expression. In other words, I don't "speak" silently in my own head when I think to myself. When I think.... its just thoughts.... I don't "hear my own voice" saying the thoughts, like "I wonder what to have for dinner....." (I know some people do that). I don't do that. I just acknowledge that I am hungry and seek food. I have "negative self-talk" like "you're worthless, you're a failure" but its "YOU" not "I". I guess thats how the voices evolved.....
KiloPatches
Senior Member
My mother died when I was 19. I watched her bleed to death right before my eyes.
But yes, we were very close before she died. I told her everything. I never kept anything from her. And I sought her approval more than anything in the world.
KiloPatches
Senior Member
I didn't sleep at ALL last night. Pretty much just spent the night playing Animal Crossing. Ferelden is a Perfect Town now. Feel free to dream if you like! I did some major beautification.
I bought some bush starts today from the TBT marketplace.....
I did a bit too much Time Travelling and Molly the Peppy Cat moved in to my 10th Slot that was reserved for Kody my last Dreamie! So now I dunno WHAT I am gonna do! I thought about losing Broffina..... but I am too attached.... Ankha is also a cat and worth a LOT to sell.... but No.... I can't lose her.... That leaves Diva. Which is sad, because I worked hard to get her! And it was kind of the person to get her for me! But I NEED Kody! I kinda like Molly..... I ended up hitting her with my net a bunch of times AND THEN FEELING LIKE A TOTAL A**HOLE AFTERWARDS LIKE OMG...... Now I want to be BFFs...... I FELT AWFUL!
Then I showered and slept..... I slept ALL DAY..... I just crashed and burned..... wich means I will probably be up all night again tonight....
I didn't sleep at ALL last night. Pretty much just spent the night playing Animal Crossing. Ferelden is a Perfect Town now. Feel free to dream if you like! I did some major beautification.
I bought some bush starts today from the TBT marketplace.....
I did a bit too much Time Travelling and Molly the Peppy Cat moved in to my 10th Slot that was reserved for Kody my last Dreamie! So now I dunno WHAT I am gonna do! I thought about losing Broffina..... but I am too attached.... Ankha is also a cat and worth a LOT to sell.... but No.... I can't lose her.... That leaves Diva. Which is sad, because I worked hard to get her! And it was kind of the person to get her for me! But I NEED Kody! I kinda like Molly..... I ended up hitting her with my net a bunch of times AND THEN FEELING LIKE A TOTAL A**HOLE AFTERWARDS LIKE OMG...... Now I want to be BFFs...... I FELT AWFUL!
Then I showered and slept..... I slept ALL DAY..... I just crashed and burned..... wich means I will probably be up all night again tonight....
That sucks that you didn't sleep much but at least you got a lot down in Animal Crossing!
Aww... good luck tonight. I hope you get everything you need to done. You deserve a good night's rest.
KiloPatches
Senior Member
What is your go to breakfast?
My boyfriend makes AWESOME pancakes!
Its a real treat. But I generally skip breakfast and.... meals in general.... KiloPatches
Senior Member
IMPORTANT UPDATE/ANNOUNCEMENT!
Born2BWild
Senior Member
Do tell!
KiloPatches
Senior Member
Hi! Thanks for posting!
Social Anxiety is a common problem for a LOT of people - know you are NOT alone in this!
Anxiety Disorders (of which there are many) take many forms: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Phobias, and Social Anxiety to name a few. But ALL of these disorders have something in common: The THOUGHTS that are behind the BEHAVIOUR that prevents you from living your life to the fullest. The good news is, there is a model, called the Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy Model, that states that YOU have the power to regain control over your life by changing your thoughts to change how you feel, thus taking charge of your life again.
Negative Thinking Patterns are called "Cognitive Distortions". But we have the power to challenge those ways of thinking and contradict "Negative Self Talk" - that broken record that is in our mind when we are in social situations that gives us anxiety - with enough effort and eventually overcome the anxiety on our own.
Take a look at this list of cognitive distortions: Do any of them apply to you? http://www.apsu.edu/sites/apsu.edu/files/counseling/COGNITIVE_0.pdf
My guess is, thoughts that might run in your mind while you are in or are going into social situations are:
"Everyone (or someone specific) will laugh at me/judge me"
"I'm going to do something stupid and make a fool of myself"
"I'm not worthwhile. No one likes me. I'm unloveable. I have no friends."
Those are just my guesses, based on others I have known with Social Anxiety. Pay attention to your negative self talk. Keep a notebook if you like. Write your thoughts down. Cross-reference them with the Cognitive Distortions list. For Example,
"Everyone will laugh at me/judge me"
"Overgeneralization, All or Nothing thinking, and fortune telling"
The guide I linked you to shows you how you can challenge each of these distortions, but in brief, examine the evidence:
"Everyone. ABSOLUTELY everyone? And.... how do you KNOW for sure?" Etc...
"I am going to do something stupid and make a fool of myself"
"Fortune telling, Overgeneralization"
"This may have happened once before, but that doesn't mean it will happen again or EVERY time I go out."
I'm not worthwhile. No one likes me. I'm unloveable. I have no friends."
"Discounting the positives, Emotional Reasoning, Labelling, Magnification, Mental Filter"
"Everyone is worthwhile, including me, because everyone has something good to offer the world. NO ONE likes me? Not ONE person? Not even my pet? EVERYONE deserves love and is loveable, even me. I have NO friends WHATSOEVER? Not even so-and-so? Can I work on slowly making new friends?"
Does that make sense?
Another thing is perhaps to consider boosting your confidence. Always be proud of who you are. Never try to change who you are for someone else. Are you happy with your appearance as you are? Would you like a fresh look? Sometimes pampering yourself to a fresh look can really make you feel good - not for anyone else, but for yourself. DON'T DO IT IF YOU ARE LOOKING TO IMPRESS OTHERS. DO IT FOR YOU. Get a haircut, or change your hair colour, get highlights, get a new outfit to wear - TREAT YOURSELF to a fresh look. Feel confident. Then go out into a social situation, school, work, and perhaps you'll get a few compliments! But remember - you did it for YOU. And remember to accept the compliments too - don't think people are "just saying that" (believe me, as someone with low self-esteem, I have issues accepting compliments too). A simple "thank you" will do just fine. If no one notices, or says anything, don't worry about it - you didn't do it for THEM, you did it for YOU. Be happy just with that.
I hope that helps!
Let me know how it goes
KiloPatches
Senior Member
KiloPatches
Senior Member
bump!
What are you studying for? I forgot when I was reading your extra long post in another thread. But, I was wondering your opinion on this. Is it healthy to be bitter to an extent of the jealousy of yourself laid out by your sisters? Due to also not just that, but mentally abusing you, putting you down, cutting you short?
I also lost my cousin, who was the only bloodline relative that I felt connected to as siblings. My parents are second, and such. I just don't know how to cope with this. Or begin coping, actually, with the loss of my cousin in December, that just passed, and realization/epiphany of my sisters, one in particular, relishing in my sorrow while they feel better.
Or that is what it seems. What should I do?
Or how can I constructively get rid of this anger and resentment I have upon them? Plus, there's a long story to go along with it. Ugh. That's for another day. My sisters are both the black sheep basically, and I'm pale as a ghost, waiting to be smothered by their oils.
I also lost my cousin, who was the only bloodline relative that I felt connected to as siblings. My parents are second, and such. I just don't know how to cope with this. Or begin coping, actually, with the loss of my cousin in December, that just passed, and realization/epiphany of my sisters, one in particular, relishing in my sorrow while they feel better.
Or that is what it seems. What should I do?
Or how can I constructively get rid of this anger and resentment I have upon them? Plus, there's a long story to go along with it. Ugh. That's for another day. My sisters are both the black sheep basically, and I'm pale as a ghost, waiting to be smothered by their oils.
KiloPatches
Senior Member
Hello, Noir! Welcome! Thank you for stopping by!
I am studying to ultimately, obtain my Masters in Psychology in the stream of Applied Social (which is more Research-based, than Clinical-based) and pursue my Doctorate (PhD in Psychology) to become a professor and teach at a university. However, I also want to obtain my license to have a clinical practice, which is why in the Doctoral program I will need a Practicum and experience in the field. I currently work in a Peer Support Centre that has given me some training in counselling, and I have also been trained in the Clinical stream of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) - If you'll notice, in many of my posts, I use the CBT model when giving advice to people, because that's the approach I am trained in, and according to most practitioners, agreeably it is the most effective across the board with most clients, however there are other approaches to therapy as well. CBT is my preferred approach because based on my own personal struggles with mental illness, I have found that you can't "switch off" your emotions. But there IS a link between your THOUGHTS and how you FEEL. Usually your Thoughts are Automatic. They are channelled through "Core Beliefs". Sometimes "Core Beliefs" can be very negative, and be distorted, and we become very defensive and protective of them and have difficulty challenging them for the same reason you don't bring up Religion and Politics and dinner parties - they are sensitive subjects that people have strong opinions about: Core Beliefs, that they will strongly defend. But what if your Core Belief was "I am a loser" or "I'm worthless" as strongly as it was "I believe in God" or "The Sky is Blue" or "2+2=4"? So if you can't change how you feel, isn't it liberating to know its within your grasp to change how you think? Its within YOUR power to challenge your Core Beliefs that feed your negative thought patterns that run trough your mind like a broken record! You can replace those thoughts with different ones, affirmations, and teach yourself to alter the way you think, which will alter the way you feel. And when you have REALLY reached rock bottom and changing the way you THINK is too difficult, the CBT model doesn't give up on you yet! You can change your BEHAVIOUR and force yourself to do the activities you used to enjoy doing to get back into a routine. Those sorts of things life your mood and allow you to think clearer that you can really sit down and become self-aware of your thought patterns and challenge them as they appear. Negative thought patterns, by the way are also known as "Cognitive Distortions". HOW do you challenge them, you ask? THAT's where I, or a therapist comes in. I have the tools to help you at my disposal. So THAT is why I like this model. Change your Behaviour - Change Your Thoughts - Which in turn, Changes how you Feel - and the cycle continues, you behaviour patterns change: you isolate less and socialize more, you smoke/drink less, you eat healthier, you exercise more, you are more motivated and productive, etc.... That's how the model works. So that is (in quite a lengthy description) what I am studying for - Clinical Practice in CBT, as well as a professorship.
I want to share with you something: Its called a Personal Bill of Rights from The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. This is an adaptation, done by Mary-Ellen Copeland, the author of the Wellness Recovery Action Plan:
https://www.wcupa.edu/_services/stu.lgb/Documents/PersonalBillofRights_000.doc
Take a look at the items on that list. REALLY take them in.
"Is it healthy to be bitter..."
Now if you are asking a sort of "Forgive and Forget" type of scenario, I am not for that type of thinking. CBT is NOT about "The Power of Positive Thinking". Or Denial. Or "NEVER HAVING A NEGATIVE EMOTION EVER!". NO.
Stress. Anger. Anxiety. These are all HEALTHY, human and NECESSARY emotions for SURVIVAL. Its WHY WE HAVE THEM.
First and foremost, 1. You have the RIGHT to feel bitter towards them. They were abusive towards you. You were hurt, and you have the right to feel hurt. Its what you DO with that hurt that is within YOUR control. How will you cope? It has NOTHING to do with THEM. Will you drink? Will you smoke? Will you withdrawal? Will you self-harm? Will you act out aggressively? THOSE ARE CHOICES. Choices you MUST take accountability for.
What are the Anger Rules?
1. Don't Hurt Others
2. Don't Damage Property
3. Don't Hurt Yourself.
Yes, you can feel bitter, but its what you DO with that bitterness that matters. EXTERNAL of them. FOCUS ON YOU.
As for the loss of your cousin, I truly sympathize and I offer my deepest condolences. My mother died July 6th 2010, so that anniversary is coming up. I watched her bleed to death. My father is my only other living relative, and he is an abusive alcoholic, 5 hours away that doesn't even know my age, never mind my major at university.
I will say this: what is beneath the surface may not be what's shown. Your sisters MAY STILL be grieving, they may just not be showing it. Alternatively, I often get the question (and you may too), "Were you close?". AS IF THAT SHOULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE - SHE WAS MY ****ING MOTHER!!!! (But yes, we were VERY close). I guess it DOES matter.... perhaps if you're not close with someone it makes it easier to grieve? If your sisters weren't close to your cousin, then they didn't have the special relationship you had, so naturally you would have a harder time. Why should that bother you? THEY CAN GO **** THEMSELVES. Have some respect. If family means anything to them (in my family it doesn't, but in SOME family it does) they should have the decency to give you your space to grieve in your own time. Remember the Bill of Right? "I have the Right to Ask for What I Want"? There. Spell it out to them. Be Assertive. Don't take **** from them. It took me YEARS to stand up to my Dad. But there is a difference between Assertive Communication and Aggressive Communication. As well as Passive and Passive-Aggressive Communication. (I don't know what your style is). But its important to practice assertiveness. Write down EXACTLY what you want on a piece of paper. Rehearse it. Calmly. Confront them. Calmly. Spell it out. Clearly, effectively. If they give you back talk, use the broken record method - just repeat yourself. "I understand that, but [INSERT REQUEST HERE]" ***BLAH BLAH BLAH YAK YAK YAK SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM*** "Uh huh.... [INSERT REQUEST HERE]".... repeat. Works every time with annoying people like that.
Hope that helps a bit! Let me know if I can assist with ANYTHING else, you are ALWAYS welcome here and my inbox is always open ^^
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