Throughout the day, I kept on repeating to myself, "She's the one who's broken. Not you."
Earlier today, as my mother drove me to school, she was talking about how she needs to go to work earlier. She quickly turned that against me, saying that no one is going to take care of her when she gets older, since I want to move out when I turn 18. So, she has to save up money to fend for herself.
When in the past, she has said that I was a burden on the family, on her, and that she couldn't wait to kick me out when I turn 18. Just so she could 'have her life back'. "I need to start caring more for myself," she would say.
She's hurt me in many ways. She doesn't realize how deeply troubled I am with her words and her actions. However, at least I can admit that I need help. She's the one who wants to throw a pity party, and blame everyone else around her for how terrible her life is. She's the one who puts everyone else down in order to feel better about herself. She is the one who is truly broken... not me.
I've been trying to be more positive about myself. I've been trying to get myself to work harder for my future self. Obviously, she's oblivious to that. I can't keep wanting for her to change, because I can't control the way she is. What I can do, and what I'm currently striving towards, is making a change in myself. I don't want to be like her. I don't want to be like the rest of my family. I want to be more open-minded and aware about mental illness. I want to be more compassionate. It's for these reasons, and many others, that I want to live independently. I don't want to end up thinking like them, and I don't want my mental health to plummet even further. If my mother wants to keep on pitying herself and not want help from anyone else... then so be it. I'm tired of walking on eggshells around her. I don't want to feel anxious of what she's going to do or say anymore. I'll try and focus on improving and worrying about me. I'm not trying to be selfish. It's just that if she doesn't want help, then I shouldn't be wasting my energy feeling bad. I shouldn't be seeking any sort of attention or praise from her either, because I know I won't get it. I can always look elsewhere to receive love and compassion. I'll be trying to stay positive, and look forward to becoming an adult.
