Am I a selfish jerk?

[UglyMonsterFace]

So there's this guy at work that I used to like (not like that, just as a person in general). One day, when I was still pretty new at my job, he used Snapchat to text me saying he needed to talk to me in private. I was worried cuz it seemed like something bad happened. I went down to the kitchen to ask what was wrong. He just said, "Oh nothing, I just wanted to borrow 10 dollars. I'll pay you back tomorrow." Now I felt very uncomfortable lending people money but I said yes anyway cuz I felt I couldn't say no without sounding selfish. He did pay me back so that was good. Then the next week, he took me aside again and borrowed 20 dollars. It was obviously becoming a habit and I felt very uncomfortable but I couldn't say no again. The next time he asked, it was over Snapchat on my day off. He wanted 60 dollars... I said no (it was easier through text) since I was broke (not true but I figured it's easier to say that than no I don't want to). He said ok. Then the next time he was asking for 65 dollars. I said no.. I don't have enough hours at work (3 to 4 hour shifts) to afford that.. I thought he would get the hint. And he didn't ask for a while. Then 2 weeks ago he asked at work for 20 dollars. I told him I don't bring cash to work anymore ever since someone took over 100 dollars from my bag, and I won't have cash until after my shift (he was done work and I wasn't). So he wanted to know how much longer I'd be. I said most likely over an hour or two. He then asked me to do an e-transfer, which I thought was pretty desperate. I told him I don't know how to do e-transfer. So he finally dropped it, although probably cuz I just walked away. Then on Monday he texted me again asking for 20 dollars. I said no, I have bills to pay and I have things I need to spend on. So he said ok, but at work he was moping about and telling me how he has so much debt and stuff, which felt awkward for me since it felt like he was trying to make me feel guilty or pressure me to give him money..

So my question is, am I a selfish jerk? I do definitely have the money, but I don't like lending my hard earned money to people. He has always paid me back promptly the 2 times I lent him some, but I don't like feeling like his bank or that I'm somehow responsible for his finances.. especially when he told me one time that's he's broke cuz he spends his money on things like games and party drugs even when he has no money.

I don't want to be mean since he's a chef and can make my life hell (I'm a server) and I'm just timid af..

 

[Imbri]

No, I don't think you are either selfish or a jerk. You helped him out several times, which was kind and generous. It sounds, to me, that he now thinks you are an easy touch, so he will continue to push for loans unless you put your foot down. The fact that he kept upping the amount he requested would be a red flag for me. People run short, and we all get in that position where you ask to borrow a few bucks here and there, but this is a bit excessive.

I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't try this with other new people, just to see who will say yes and who won't. If he continues to press you, you should speak to the manager or other boss. If you can save the texts, that will help show that it is a habitual thing.

 

[namiieco]

no, not at all!
you shouldn't give money to anyone if you don't feel comfortable, let alone 100 dollars

 

[idiotdoomspiral]

not at all, dont let anyone convince you otherwise because youre not

 

[Katelyn]

No, definitely not! You have every right to say no to someone for asking for something that's yours. They didn't earn it, you did. And if they think you're selfish for not letting them borrow money, then they're the a**hole for thinking they're entitled to someone else's money.

 

[Anactoria]

What, no, not at all, you're not being selfish! I've never encountered anyone like that, and frankly I'm a little bit in disbelief? I've heard stories about that kind of thing happening between friends or family, where it can get tricky because friendships/drawing the border kind of thing, but since you only seem to be acquaintances with this guy (or are you friends? but either way really), that's just crossing the line. I feel like you've already rejected his requests several times, so if he's not getting the hint, it's really bordering on harassment, especially if you feel afraid that he's going to pull rank on you. Helping someone out a couple of times is definitely enough, and it's not worth anyone's mental health to worry about unpaid debts/more trouble down the line. Just keep saying that you're strapped for cash too! (Haha might be bad advice, but I hate confrontations)

 

[mogyay]

no part of you was selfish and he put you in such an awkward position, i'd tell a manager tbh, **** him. also idk what you do at work but if he's a chef he's probably on salary and makes more than you so he's even more of an *******. if he's having genuine problems then that's a shame but asking someone who you barely know for money is not how he should go about solving it, also if he's talking about taking drugs then that's probably where it's going, cutting off his drug habit is probably a good thing so you're being selfless not selfish.

 

[EpicGamer12]

You have to report this to a manager. It's serious misconduct, especially if it is making you feel uncomfortable. Good luck!

 

[piichinu]

dont give him drug money

 

[50m4ra]

No, the thing is that "ok did something nice! Then got paid back." But then "ok, did it again.. I still got paid back..." But after that he's just trying to exploit your relationship with him...

 

[tumut]

Sounds unhealthy, if I were you I would stalk him and find out wtf he doing

 

[nintendofan85]

Not at all! Trustworthiness can be hard to determine.

 

[moonford]

Of course you aren't.

The person who is the subject of this conversation is the selfish jerk. Repeatedly asking you for money even after you have declined several times shows that he hasn't considered the situation he is putting you in and that in it's self is both selfish and rude. I get that people are desperate but they should sort themselves out instead of asking for money because it damages their reputation and they WILL always be asking, especially when they have addictions like this guy.

You shouldn't have gave him any money in the first place if you don't feel comfortable with lending it, because he could get the wrong impression (that you like "helping" people in that way, in this case you aren't helping him or yourself) which he clearly has and I think he could be taking advantage of that but I doubt you have the wrong sense of judgement here. So he may just be desperate, help him out socially and emotionally if you think he is nice guy and needs help; money is definitely not the solution here.

 

[UglyMonsterFace]

I didn't really want to give him money the first two times, but he kind of had me cornered and I was taken by surprise. I've never even had close friends asking for money so I had no idea what to do. I was the new kid on the block, and these were people I wanted to be friends with eventually. I didn't want to make people not like me. Also, he had SEEN that I had cash in my wallet. So I couldn't just say I didn't have the money. After those first two times though, I've been saying no, and he still hasn't stopped I do regret giving in the first two times, but I didn't know another way to get out of the situation, at least without saying I just didn't want to. But I thought he'd take the hint and stop asking, especially since I've been emphasising that I am not in the best financial situation, on top of only having 3 to 4 hours shifts. I thought it would be obvious.

I once thought he was genuinely nice, but I now have this feeling that every time he's nice, it's just him trying to make me feel bad for not helping him, and it feels dirty.

- - - Post Merge - - -

No, I don't think you are either selfish or a jerk. You helped him out several times, which was kind and generous. It sounds, to me, that he now thinks you are an easy touch, so he will continue to push for loans unless you put your foot down. The fact that he kept upping the amount he requested would be a red flag for me. People run short, and we all get in that position where you ask to borrow a few bucks here and there, but this is a bit excessive.

I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't try this with other new people, just to see who will say yes and who won't. If he continues to press you, you should speak to the manager or other boss. If you can save the texts, that will help show that it is a habitual thing.

He actually only borrows money from me.. He treats me very differently from others and it creeps me out... And I'm a timid person who hates confrontation, so I always just grin and bear it.. I know he's definitely exploiting this, and pretending to be a "nice guy."

Spoiler: (Not relevant)

He also comes up behind me and hugs me. The kind of hug that seems a bit sexualised/romantic, and lasts very long. And he keeps saying things that make it seem like he's trying to paint a bad picture of my bf. Now people might say, "just say no." But I've been sexually attacked and hurt before in worse ways than verbal words and a hug, and no one defended me when I tried to stand up for myself. I got blamed for it and it changed my life for the worst for a long time, so I refuse to bring it up or even appear afraid of this. So that is not the point.. I'm just trying to say that there are other factors as to why I'm incredibly uncomfortable and timid to speak and just say no.

Also, I can't save the texts because he sends them through Snapchat. Once I read them, they disappear.. And if I screen shot it, he is notified. I just want to stop feeling so guilty for not helping him. I know I have a right to say no.. But I've been conditioned to always assume that I'm at fault, and there's something wrong with me. So it really helps that other people at least believe that I'm not a jerk, even if I can't convince myself. It's also hard because I have cash at the end of my shift, and he knows and is sometimes around when I get my tips.. Then I feel like I have no excuse to say no.

- - - Post Merge - - -

Btw, thanks everyone. This issue has been driving me nuts with both guilt and annoyance and feeling like the worst person in the world. But this forum has been so wonderful to me. My brain doesn't think "normally" so I usually need to get other people's opinions to gauge how I'm really supposed to feel. So thank you, thank you really. Your replies truly help me out.

 

[Kamzitty]

This guy needs to leave you alone, omg. I really suggest telling someone, because I'm pretty sure he knows EXACTLY what he's doing. There's no way he hasn't picked up on your hints that you don't want to let him borrow any money, unless he's a complete idiot. He's purposely trying to make you feel uncomfortable so that you'll give in.
I've never, ever had a coworker ask to borrow money, especially one that I recently came to know. This situation isn't normal at all, and you have no reason to feel guilty! I personally wouldn't want to give my money to a coworker, even if they were trustworthy.
My suggestion is to talk to somebody about it,like a manager. If you don't feel comfortable doing that though, just continue denying him. If he knows you have cash at the end of your shift, tell him you need it for gas, or that you were going to buy dinner on your way home. He should give up eventually :/ But I do urge you to tell him off, he's being so ridiculous.

 

[Loubelle]

I didn't really want to give him money the first two times, but he kind of had me cornered and I was taken by surprise. I've never even had close friends asking for money so I had no idea what to do. I was the new kid on the block, and these were people I wanted to be friends with eventually. I didn't want to make people not like me. Also, he had SEEN that I had cash in my wallet. So I couldn't just say I didn't have the money. After those first two times though, I've been saying no, and he still hasn't stopped I do regret giving in the first two times, but I didn't know another way to get out of the situation, at least without saying I just didn't want to. But I thought he'd take the hint and stop asking, especially since I've been emphasising that I am not in the best financial situation, on top of only having 3 to 4 hours shifts. I thought it would be obvious.

I once thought he was genuinely nice, but I now have this feeling that every time he's nice, it's just him trying to make me feel bad for not helping him, and it feels dirty.

- - - Post Merge - - -



He actually only borrows money from me.. He treats me very differently from others and it creeps me out... And I'm a timid person who hates confrontation, so I always just grin and bear it.. I know he's definitely exploiting this, and pretending to be a "nice guy."

Spoiler: (Not relevant)

He also comes up behind me and hugs me. The kind of hug that seems a bit sexualised/romantic, and lasts very long. And he keeps saying things that make it seem like he's trying to paint a bad picture of my bf. Now people might say, "just say no." But I've been sexually attacked and hurt before in worse ways than verbal words and a hug, and no one defended me when I tried to stand up for myself. I got blamed for it and it changed my life for the worst for a long time, so I refuse to bring it up or even appear afraid of this. So that is not the point.. I'm just trying to say that there are other factors as to why I'm incredibly uncomfortable and timid to speak and just say no.

Also, I can't save the texts because he sends them through Snapchat. Once I read them, they disappear.. And if I screen shot it, he is notified. I just want to stop feeling so guilty for not helping him. I know I have a right to say no.. But I've been conditioned to always assume that I'm at fault, and there's something wrong with me. So it really helps that other people at least believe that I'm not a jerk, even if I can't convince myself. It's also hard because I have cash at the end of my shift, and he knows and is sometimes around when I get my tips.. Then I feel like I have no excuse to say no.

- - - Post Merge - - -

Btw, thanks everyone. This issue has been driving me nuts with both guilt and annoyance and feeling like the worst person in the world. But this forum has been so wonderful to me. My brain doesn't think "normally" so I usually need to get other people's opinions to gauge how I'm really supposed to feel. So thank you, thank you really. Your replies truly help me out.

If you want to get pictures of the texts. if you have another device (like an iPad or something) you could take a picture of the screen on your phone and then, either send it to yourself, or just take a picture of that picture with your phone/ Hopefully that made sense XD Anyway, you could also have a friend take a picture and send it to you if you guys are together

 

[Weiland]

Absolutely not. As you said, you lent him money in the past, but, like you also stated, you were uncomfortable. You shouldn't do something you don't want to do if you feel uncomfortable -- especially when it comes to money. He was probably using you to pay his finances and wanted nothing else to do with you; he wanted to discard you once you gave him the money he wanted. Being someone that hates lending money, I can safely say that it isn't bad. You have your own finances. If he can't handle his own, maybe he should get a better job.

 

[-Apples-]

I don't think so. There are some rude people out there, and not wanting to support them doesn't make you selfish. If you're refusing it to everybody, then that might be questionable. But to just one person, then no.

 

[Stalfos]

Guy is giving me the willies. I'd stay away of him.

 

[Minto]

You're definitely not being selfish. One or two time on occasion is fine, but it's obvious this guy has some kind of addict whether it be drugs or whatever. I have family members like this and they'll try to guilt trip you by saying things like "But I said I'll pay you back, come on." I'd write down times whenever he's asked or get pictures of the chat. Either way you should talk to your boss no matter what since this is becoming a real issue.