Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

[forestyne]

I recently wrote this description regarding my issues when it comes to relationships. And someone pm'd me saying they had BPD and could relate heavily to what I wrote. I decided to read up on BPD a bit more and I noticed I related a lot to some of the symptoms/descriptions. I struggle with overwhelming emotions, extreme anger, I have been physically violent in past relationships. I have threatened suicide/self-harm. I have fears of abandonment. I struggle with my identity of self. And I both over value my partner/de-value them. Sometimes I feel like I legitimately hate them at times. Does this sound like I might have bpd? I know this isn't an official diagnosis or anything. But I'm curious if any of you who are diagnosed with BPD relate to my description at all. Btw, I don't get like this with friends/family. But then again, I am not that close with my friends/family. So that could be the reason why.
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(Some background information on my mental health. I suffered from anorexia when I was 13-14 but have long since recovered.)
I have noticed a pattern with myself when it comes to romantic relationships. I am extremely sensitive to how my partner perceives me. I am really clingy when it comes to my partners. And when my clinginess goes unreciprocated I start feeling extremely rejected by my partner. I start to feel unloved, and unwanted. And when I feel that my partner doesn't love me, I start feeling an overwhelming sense of worthlessness which effects my perception on every other aspect of my life.

At this point, anything can happen with me. I can start being extremely toxic to my partner. I also sometimes push them away, threaten breaking up, and overall just reject them before they can reject me. Sometimes I will self harm. Sometimes I will stop eating. Sometimes I will contemplate suicide. All of this is because I feel unwanted and unloved and rejected by my partner.
I'm not sure why I am like this... I want to love and be loved more then anything else in the world. I value my partner more then anything. So when I feel rejected by them... It's like everything just snaps. I literally become delusional, you can't rationalize with me. And sometimes I lose my grip with reality. I am not like this in any other aspect in my life. It is only towards a romantic relationship. I believe it's due to the fact I value my partner more then all else. Because of how much I value them, their actions have a significant impact on my mental state of mind.

I'm not sure what I should do. I'm currently in a wonderful relationship, and I've felt loved this entire time up until very recently. He's been busy gaming constantly the past month, and the amount of time and effort he dedicates towards me has been significantly dwindling. I had 2 episodes with him the past week, and now I'm scared this cycle is just going to continue again. After my 2 episodes, I finally started to think more rationally. And I let him know how much of an impact his actions have towards my mental state. He agreed that he has been very spotty with me lately, and said he will try to make some time for me each day.

As long as he follows through with this, I know I'll be happy and fine again. But... The fact I even get this way with a romantic partner in the first place is extremely concerning... I don't want to be like this with him, or anyone else for that matter... But I'm not sure what I can do to prevent how I feel. No matter how I try rationalizing this, when I get in that state... I lose sight of all else.

As for self esteem mine used to be extremely low, but I have been working on it. For the most part I value myself, I am happy with who I am as a person. And I value my life. But that is only when I'm in a normal state of mind. When I start feeling rejected/unloved all the progress I have made towards myself gets completely surmounted. I go from wanting to live, wanting to be happy, and wanting to have a good life and future, to suicidal and hopeless in an instant. That's how much of an effect they end up having on me...

I can strongly relate to this.

I used to do this, but rather with my friends than partners. If I felt like my friend (who I felt was my best friend in the whole wide world, but had friends who were better than me) was pulling away from me, not wanting to be friends with me anymore or seeing other friends more than he sees me, I would get extremely possessive. I always thought he was plotting behind my back. I would lash out at him, threaten him, tell him to kill himself, tell him that I was going to kill myself because I felt like I just wasn't good enough. I would self mutilate, attempt suicide, drink alcohol and do drugs (i nearly typed "drink drugs and do alcohol" lmao) and even stop eating if I felt regected. Sometimes I would be triggered into this behavior if he didn't reply to my texts. Eventually I screwed it all up with him and everyone in my grade hated me because they spread rumours about me.

As someone with BPD, I feel like you may have BPD as well.

 

[Alienfish]

Not me, but had a "friend" from high school who had that and she was extremely manipulative on like everyone in my class/grade. Stalked people in school, made huge weird scenes, threatened to call the cops on the most minor things, failed to understand things at all and basically stalked this guy on the commuter train all the way to his home station and.. yeah whatnot.

Also tried to be "friends" with everyone and she stalked me like everywhere too for a while, had to tell her really sharp to not do it, and well once in a blue moon she calls or texts me but I pretty much ignore it since you can't talk to her much anyways.

 

[lostineverfreeforest]

i dont have bpd but i had a close friend w it (we arent friends anymore, she's not dead lmao)
she was Really not great w a lot of things. she would do a lot of mean things and then make everything about her and how she felt. (like, she'd make someone sad and then when they tried to talk about it sje would b like "))): all my friends are leavibg me !!! why do u hate me im so sad everyone should feel sorry for me ):" in a very manipulative and Bad way)
no matter what the situation was like she was always the victim.

the reason why im bringing it up is bc she would constantly bring up her bpd and use it as a defense ("u called me toxic and mean but i have bpd so youre a terrible person for saying that" instead of .. like... applogizing.. ) and she would also be condenscending and tell people that her problems were much worse than other ppl's problems. djdjskfkghl all of that made me really dislike her so i stopped being friends w her lol.

i know many other people w bpd (tho i havent been as close to them as the 1st friend) and none of them fit the "bad, manipulative, evil borderline" stereotypes. i think it is great that ppl are being positive and telling people that having bpd doesnt automatically make u an abuser, but when people take it as a way to defend their bad behaviour i Die.

People who use their mental illness as a shield to be a terrible person are just that, terrible people. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. :-/ It really grinds my gears when people treat others like the scum of the earth and when you call them out on their abuse (say, by posting a comic that highlights it) they go and play the victim in some sad attempt to divert attention away from the abuse by claiming it's justified. Like by some immature stupidity such as "I got mad, therefore I'm right!" Very similar to how a small child thinks. Anyway, I digress.

One of my best friends suffers from many, many afflictions and BPD is one of them. It's exhausting having to deal with her issues from time to time but she needs the support and nobody should have to battle it on their own. I'm just glad she's always there for me when I'm down myself. Seeing what it does to her, mental illness isn't a hell I'd want to wish on even my worst enemy. Like being a prisoner of your own mind.

 

[tifachu]

i was never diagnosed with bpd but im pretty sure i have it, i have a long time friend with bpd and we are alike in so many ways (color our hair, easily excitable, act impulsively, sexually promiscuous (i have desires to be but my bf prefers exclusivity over openness so he only lets me do some cam work, but my friend is more open irl and her bf is fine w this)) though i do have those 'scary' symptoms as well, i would always feel too embarrassed/ ashamed to even speak about my symptoms and the problems its caused me to any therapists when i would see them, just because of how stigmatized it is and i was scared my therapist would think its 'extreme' or turn me into a bad person especially since i would moreso just talk about my depression, social anxiety & agoraphobia. i felt almost fake, i feel like i really played the part of an innocent victim of depression & social anxiety & a crybaby lamb when i also secretly i felt like i was actually an awful person because of what bpd symptoms have made me feel about my loved ones & act out against them, i wouldnt even be able to talk about it with a therapist if i could just because of how bad i feel about it.

i dont think i really act out against my friends, though there was one time in middle school where i got so jealous of my best friend after she got a boyfriend, i felt like i hated her bc i was so jealous, not jealous of her for having a boyfriend but jealous of her boyfriend for getting to be with her. i havent had a huge fight with a friend again like this, though i am a bit jealous of all my friends for having been able to make so much new friends in college when i barely have made any. when it comes to partners i get more extreme :/
i just get so paranoid & delusional, i would accuse my partner of lying, have dreams where they're terrible people & ignoring me or leaving me, even though i KNOW logically he is a good person, a few times already i've almost persuaded my bf it wold be best to leave me and weve only been together 1 year which is the longest relationship ive had so far and i'm 19.
the couple times when he would finally actually agree with me to leave, i'd really lash out, even when he would say repeatedly beforehand he doesnt want to, like i know its not his fault when i was the one saying he should the whole time but i cant help getting so emotional and angry and become mean to him. i feel like i am emotionally abusive because of this, though i have never hit my partner or my pet and i dont think i even could, i've had dreams where id get angry at an animal and start getting violent and i always wake up scared but i have hit and screamed at my 13 year old brother before very recently actually in a outburst of anger, just because he took out my ds charger to charge his phone, i feel bad because i feel like i should be able to handle things like an adult but i really dont know if i can.

i guess the way i cope is just through creating space for myself instead of being clingy or allowing others to be clingy towards me, which is a bit hard to do bc i love attention and its easy for me to get attached to people/for them to imprint on me. im getting better at not being upset if my bf doesnt give me too much attention, since i know this is the longest relationship ive been in now and i have some gifts to help me remember how much we mean to each other . i 'distract' or busy myself with games like animal crossing, neopets, or draw, or watch something, theres just so much things to do and read and watch so just do all those things you enjoy. it helps me remember that other people arent responsible for my emotions/happiness and i CAN and have to take care of those things myself

 

[littletwinclouds]

the one thing i will say (and i really hope i don't come across mean or anything) is that it's really important to get an official diagnosis of BPD, rather than try and self-diagnose. i'm totally fine with self-diagnosis for other things like depression, but BPD shares a lot of symptoms with other disorders (particularly bipolar), so you're doing yourself a disservice by potentially misdiagnosing yourself.

the symptoms of BPD are such that pretty much everyone can identify with some (if not all) of them, but it doesn't necessarily mean you have it. what differentiates BPD is the intensity and frequency of the symptoms, and the impact they have on your ability to function day-to-day.

BPD symptoms are honestly very similar to what lots of kids go through during adolescence, which is why you see so many 13/14/15 year olds on tumblr that have "self-diagnosed BPD". that's not to downplay how awful adolescence can be, but the whole thing with BPD is that your brain hasn't moved on from that adolescent stage - you haven't developed an adult emotional intelligence, which is why people with BPD have the emotional outbursts that would be common for a child going through adolescence. it's embarrassing to admit, but at the end of the day i am essentially a 23 year old woman with the emotional intelligence of a 14 year old, which makes it very difficult to function when you have to deal with adult responsibilities (for instance, i can't hold down a job because i am so volatile and unstable).

so if you suspect you have BPD, it's really important to try and get a professional opinion if you can. i know that it's not possible for everyone, which really sucks. unfortunately the brain is really malleable - it's possible to think yourself into having a mental illness. so by self-diagnosing with BPD, focussing on those symptoms and how much you identify with them etc etc, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy (especially if you're still a teenager). you act that way because that's how BPD is, and so that's how your brain adapts to responding to situations, and it carries that into adulthood. so at the end of the day, you end up giving yourself BPD when you might not even have had it to start with.

i really hope this does not come across as mean, or trying to downplay what people experience. i guess if you think you do have BPD, try and focus on changing those behaviours before it's too late. look at DBT resources, find self-soothing strategies, find someone who can support you and understands your symptoms and your reactions to things. and that goes for adults who can't get a diagnosis too. unfortunately BPD doesn't really have a cure, but if you're part of the lucky 50% it's possible to manage your symptoms to the point that you're able to function on a day-to-day basis. if you teach yourself DBT strategies you've got as good a chance as someone getting professional help to manage your emotions!

(eeep tried to end that on a high note, i feel like this has been a really negative post, sorry!)

 

[flusteredflower]

I just wanted to say that I've been questioning if I have bpd for a while now (and trying to seek help currently), and whether I have it for sure or not, this thread made me really happy to stumble upon. I love seeing the kindness and support and understanding here. This illness is a terrible one but everyone will make it out <3

 

[ams]

I had a close friend a few years ago who had BPD and bulimia. To be honest I just couldn't put up with her behaviour anymore and I'm no longer in contact with her. Although I'm not in contact with her I've heard from friends that she's currently back in school and doing pretty well which is awesome.

I wish you the best and hope you're seeing a great mental health professional for your disorder! I know with my friend it took her a few years to get her life back but it really is possible with hard work and good help!

 

[ams]

Double post

 

[Hulaette]

I've been struggling with MPD (DID) and I took a long hiatus from this forum because I was falling apart.
I had just got out of an abusive family situation about a month ago (heavy emotional abuse & physical abuse) That made things way worse for me.
I started "switching" again because of the stress I was put through. Those last few incidents in my life caused me to fall backwords with the progress I've made. Now I'm back to the drawing board. I am now trying to regain control of my own mind and I'm in therapy to help me relearn a few basic things you do in everyday life.

 

[Bowie]

I wouldn't feel very comfortable speaking for other people, but my partner has bipolar disorder. He has his ups and downs. I love him very much, though, and I'd like to think I can make him feel at least a little bit happier!

As for myself, I have some severe anxiety issues and compulsions. I simply don't let it define me, though.

 

[Weiland]

I've been struggling with MPD (DID) and I took a long hiatus from this forum because I was falling apart.
I had just got out of an abusive family situation about a month ago (heavy emotional abuse & physical abuse) That made things way worse for me.
I started "switching" again because of the stress I was put through. Those last few incidents in my life caused me to fall backwords with the progress I've made. Now I'm back to the drawing board. I am now trying to regain control of my own mind and I'm in therapy to help me relearn a few basic things you do in everyday life.

I don't want to pry, but I'm so interested in that disorder. What is your alter like?

 

[Hulaette]

I don't want to pry, but I'm so interested in that disorder. What is your alter like?

I have brought myself to be aware of an alter who is a 7 year old. She's fun loving and can be hyperactive at times.