Complex in-laws relationship

[Boccages]

In-laws. Relationship. This can be tricky, right?

I come from a family that's quite expressive, easy-going and blunt speaking. My boyfriend's relationship with my parents goes swimmingly, and both my parents treat him in a very amicable way, even telling me I should follow his advice, that he is right about certain stuff. Anyhow. It's not a difficult relationship. I don't think my boyfriends has ever had any doubt that my parents or siblings like him. We've been together now for 4 years and counting.

On the other hand, my relationship with his parents is a bit trickier and I often find myself feeling a bit bummed out about it.

My relationship with my boyfriend's siblings, especially his sisters, goes on very well. They are both quite interested in starting a conversation.

On the other hand, his parents is a bit of mixed bag. I remember the third time I met his parents, we were invited at his parents' house and at one time I started talking about the fact we had started skiing and how it would make me melancholic about my youth because I used to ski at that same place 20-25 years ago. My boyfriend was pretty put off by that remark saying somewhat angrily or nervously : "what was that about"? His father stepped in, breaking the silence, saying I was talking about "my feelings" and brushed it off. I kind of felt I had stepped out of line. And this has followed me ever since, I'd say.

I sometimes feel like I say things that make them feel a bit awkward. I remember, more recently, telling my in-laws that I was "really happy to see them" when I was taking off my winter coat. And that phrase kind of froze my mother-in-law for a second and she kind of was surprised by that. So I got that sometimes they did not know how to act around me.

But, as the years went on, I noticed that maybe the fact that I have a master's degree in social science or that I had (if I compare myself to them) a broader general culture than my boyfriend's family was inhibiting my in-laws. I'm not better. I really don't think I am. I just studied for longer. I started to think that maybe they are as concerned as me as how they look to me as I'm concerned at what they think about me. I remember during maybe the first year, sometimes my father-in-law would just say things that were incorrect. I would sometimes try to correct what he said in diplomatic fashion (well at least, that's what I think I was trying to do). I wouldn't do that today because I don't want him to feel bad about it and I certainly don't want to come across as a "know-it-all" jerk.

In the end, it may be that I'm thinking too much about it. Sometimes I would tell my boyfriend : oh I hope I wasn't out of line by saying this to your mom, or I hope your father didn't think I was ridiculous when we talked about this. And my boyfriend would always tell me : don't worry. At other times, my boyfriend just triggers these fears by telling me : oh don't talk about that event (that happened between him and his parents years ago) or else you'll just make them feel uncomfortable...

So I also observed how they act with their other daughters or sons in law to see if it's just unique to my relationship with them. I would say that it's pretty unique to me but not as in they target me. But their relationship with their other daughters/sons in law are pretty much aloof as it is with me. They just have small talk, but there is no akwardness. Ever.

Am I the only one that has problems adjusting to his in-laws ? Maybe, I'm expecting to much out of a relationship that's not meant to be more than an aloof one? But, 4 years in I can't help feeling like I'm not up to par on some level. I'm not asking to call them ''Dad and Mom'' but I would feel better if it was as easy to talk to them as it is easy to talk to my boyfriend's siblings.

I also realize that when we visit his in-laws, it's more of a visit so that his parents can see their son and less about us (as a couple) visiting them (so it's not about me).

Maybe I'm overthinking this. I'm probably overthinking this. But anyhow.

 

[Snowesque]

Hey there, I know how this feels.

I'd first like to just say constantly doubting yourself is not an ideal way to live. I get you're taking your partner's advice and trying to keep things cool, but you really seem to be stressing yourself out over just not speaking your mind.

I'm kinda in your situation but flipped, as in them being outspoken (when they want to be) and me being aloof. Within a day one of meeting my partner's parents, I could just feel the distance. Some people are just too different and they don't get along, which is fine. You can try to make it work, but don't be hurt if you never end up making the kind of relationship you're looking for.

 

[Boccages]

Thanks for the advice

Hey there, I know how this feels.

I'd first like to just say constantly doubting yourself is not an ideal way to live. I get you're taking your partner's advice and trying to keep things cool, but you really seem to be stressing yourself out over just not speaking your mind.

I'm kinda in your situation but flipped, as in them being outspoken (when they want to be) and me being aloof. Within day one of meeting my partner's parents, I could just feel the distance. Some people are just too different and they don't get along, which is fine. You can try to make it work, but don't be hurt if you never end up making the kind of relationship you're looking for.

 

[Stella-Io]

I can't say from experience, as the closet I've ever come to meeting in laws was meeting my (now) ex boyfriends' parents on the first date (eesh) but, your in-laws seem to the the weird ones, not you.

The fact that they cant even be like 'nice to meet you to' when you said it, like it's really not out of the norm for someone to say that. You're trying to be a friendly pleasent person and these in-laws seem so stone faced and withdrawn sounding. They seem like they haven't even heard of social norms. When someone says How are you or somethin along the lines of that, you know small talk/conversation starters, you don't act fridgid and freeze, you go along with it and say we'll how are you. It's small talk, it's the build up to the talk, don't just shut someone down who's tryin to be nice.

I don't think you're over thinking this. Maybe they just aren't a people person.

 

[kayleee]

I don’t really have a solution for you but just know that you’re not alone. In-law relationships are some of the most difficult relationships to have, and SO MANY people struggle with them (myself included). Honestly, just be yourself. Be kind and friendly (as you seem to be doing) and don’t let their actions make you second guess yourself. They sound like the ones with the problem tbh, so I really think you need to not be so hard on yourself. Some people just don’t vibe, and that’s okay. Just do your best to remain civil.