Stupid Question... how do I make friends...?

[RedRum2514]

Ok, so first off I'm not just talking online tbt friends, im talking irl friends... and please if your going to read this don't insult me or mock me, this is personal so be respectable about it! so a little background first,

Spoiler: Bunch of stuff you probably don't need to know

growing up I was always an introvert, the first day of school I was hella popular because I was the new kid, two girls in particular fought with each other to be my friend, and I wanted to be both there friends but they told me to choose one, torn between decisions of course I didn't give it much thought and eventually I chose the wrong person and she ended up being a bad influence and a bad friend.

because of this I don't know how to treat friends and when I had "friends" thinking about it now I may have been a little controlling and intimidating to them, truth be told I was just looking out for them and trying not to let them fall into a bad crowd... I guess they thought I was a terrible friend and they lied to me and started avoiding me, and eventually told me to fk off... and I mean I can't tell if I was being a good friend or not because I was treated like crap and as a result probably treat people like crap.

on the internet I've found I'm nice person and completely different, but irl I have severe anxiety around people and I'm really mean and hateful to them as a defence and it totally works. everyone feared me and didn't even stare at me because I scared them.. I often found myself wondering "why doesn't anyone just try to take a chance and teach me how to be a good friend?" in total, I was seen as a terrible person who hated everybody, but all I really needed was a good friend and a hug....

I almost had that, but the one person who wanted to be a real friend had to move shortly after, she started off as an enemy because she was in the crowd of the bad people, y'know, the popular snotty kids who think there better than everyone else. she came out and said she hated what they did and wanted to be my friend, my current "friend" at the time, the same one who told me to fk off, said I should give her a chance, we bonded quickly but my other "friend" not so, they just never clicked.

so thats when it all went down and my fake friend as I call them, went off with the bad crown and was abused by them but somehow saw it as friendship and better than me. and my other friend she didn't have much a say in it, we remained friends until she moved schools, and believe it or not I moved schools so we wouldn't have to stop being friends, but then she had to move and there was nothing I could do about that...

shortly after we were told we had to move due to our house being sold, and mum thought it was a good idea to move back down to were she was born, and I thought so too because it could be a fresh start. however when we moved I was home schooled at the time and making friends was extremely hard, I thought everyone in small country towns would be nice and civilized, boy was I wrong... our neighbors had 16 grand kids and they were completely opposite. I wont go into details about that though. since I don't go to school or get out and play like other kids (long story there) I have no idea how I'm supposed to go about getting friends out here, I just spend everyday cooped up inside on the internet and no-one knows I exist...

tldr; I'm extremely lonely and need a friend, even if that friend is a bad friend... just anyone... so anyways, someone please give me tips on how to get friends in a small country town, and being home schooled? I'm an awkward depressed 14yr old, I'm not pretty or fit so no girl wants to be friends with me because I'm 'ugly', and I'm fairly certain if I get a pretty friend i'll just be there to make them look better at comparison. so please help me out, how the heck do I get a friend or even go about it? this is probably a stupid question and no-one will be able to help me, but who cares right? this is the internet and no one cares about lonely little ol' me!

p.s you probably didn't read that giant story, but you probably should as it would make it easier to give me advice...

 

[Haskell]

Say hi. Be nice. Get their number. Chat. Hang out.

Like yourself. Be yourself. How can anyone like you if you don't like yourself?

 

[piichinu]

hmmm sounds like u need 2 gain some confidence...
1. if ur not making friends it isn't bc ur not pretty or unfit and if it is those types of people aren't good to be around
2. if you're still homeschooled now i dunno what to tell you
i think if you gain self-esteem and break out of your shell in a couple years and really try to have conversations you'll be fine
part of your anxiety is because you are afraid you aren't as good as other people which isn't true so you need to get rid of that

- - - Post Merge - - -

since it feels like you don't think you have problems with your personality and it's just your appearance, try fixing that
become fit, wear makeup, become more stylish. watch videos or something. i think that might help you a little

- - - Post Merge - - -

also I see u called urself awkward tbh (sorry I missed that) ur 14 u will grow imo

 

[Haskell]

Or... just rdc what people think. That'll get your further in life than being beautiful.

 

[Corrie]

As cliche as it is, you dont need to be popular, have the coolest clothes, etc to make friends. Trust me when I say that you do not want those type of people around. They bring nothing but misery and they dont actually like you as a person.

My sister is in grade 11 and got caught up in the popularity thing. She is literally friends with the *****iest girls who picked on her for having an iphone 4 while they all had the iphone 5S. In my opinion, it is better to have no friends than horrible ones. Seriously, please dont make friends with mean people. It does nothing for youe confidence and does nothing but hurt and stress you out further. You're better than that.

 

[RedRum2514]

hmmm sounds like u need 2 gain some confidence...
1. if ur not making friends it isn't bc ur not pretty or unfit and if it is those types of people aren't good to be around
2. if you're still homeschooled now i dunno what to tell you
i think if you gain self-esteem and break out of your shell in a couple years and really try to have conversations you'll be fine
part of your anxiety is because you are afraid you aren't as good as other people which isn't true so you need to get rid of that

- - - Post Merge - - -

since it feels like you don't think you have problems with your personality and it's just your appearance, try fixing that
become fit, wear makeup, become more stylish. watch videos or something. i think that might help you a little

- - - Post Merge - - -

also I see u called urself awkward tbh (sorry I missed that) ur 14 u will grow imo

I want to break out of my shell and be social, but at the same time that terrifies me and when I think positive a huge voice just comes out of no where and tells me I'm horrible and not worth it... but I cant bring my self to do something about it, I lack the motivation and I don't know where to find it, I thought if I get fit I might start feeling better about my self, dress better and have the confidence to get friends. problem is I expect all of this to just happen with time, but It doesn't work that way and I'm completely lost and don't know were to start..

 

[Soraru]

the one thing you wanna have is standards. standards is good quality friends. one way to have more confidence and care in yourself, your gonna need to have standards. if your a good person with integrity, morality and decent values, then you should have good friends and i don't see any reason for you or anyone to try and settle for less than that.

people in general will usually respect you based on how much you respect yourself. sometimes there are people who disrespect for their own reasons but it dosen't always mean its because of you it typically happens in first impressions. if you don't respect yourself, chances are people wont either. good quality friends will respect you if you have a quality that they admire. everyone can have some good qualities in them. although there are people out there who have a lot more bad qualities that vastly outnumber the good.

anyways, its not healthy to want a friend so badly that you would settle for someone that isn't good for you. you don't want to put yourself down to people into being your friend out of pity. toxic friends can get you into a lot of unwanted trouble, problems,and stress that you didn't ask for. and its not worth their "friendship" or whatever little they can offer that is good and positive.

although you gotta take in mind the kind of maturity people have in your age group. there are kids who wont befriend people for really dumb reasons. if its true that no girl wants to be friends with you because " I'm not pretty or fit" which i don't usually believe in. i really think in most cases, it isn't always about that. unless they say that to you to your face. then that's how you know, that you don't need to deal with those girls since their values are very shallow and immaturebut from your story, i don't think that's mainly the case. I think the case is, your anxious and even a little scared to try to make friends so you make up scenarios and "what ifs" or "they wont like me" but the thing is, you never know until you try. and its totally understandable. i was always like that too.but even if you do get new friends and a good one, it wont do any good if you value them and then the question pops up. "What is someone like them doing with someone like me?"

the real important thing is to gain some self confidence. with one thing comes another. if you were in an environment where your surrounded by kids. (like in school or something) then it would be a little easier. but since your home-schooled your going to have to put in effort to go out and make friends, if you want to. and that does require a little bit of confidence.

try going to a local park or library. any place where its possible to strike up conversation, and have an activity for you both to do together. thats how friends are made. and try not to focus so much about what could go wrong. but think more about wanting to talk to your friend. if theyre playing a game, ask if you can join and teach you how to play. ir theyre reading a comic book, ask them what it is theyre reading. and if they ask or if its related to the topic, tell them what you books you like to read or games you play. i think they will care more about what you do rather than what you look like or what you wear.

you can also ask your parent(s) to let you join some sort of activity or club with people around your age.

just do your best to not think to negatively on things that aren't even certain to happen. think positive.

 

[RedRum2514]

As cliche as it is, you dont need to be popular, have the coolest clothes, etc to make friends. Trust me when I say that you do not want those type of people around. They bring nothing but misery and they dont actually like you as a person.

My sister is in grade 11 and got caught up in the popularity thing. She is literally friends with the *****iest girls who picked on her for having an iphone 4 while they all had the iphone 5S. In my opinion, it is better to have no friends than horrible ones. Seriously, please dont make friends with mean people. It does nothing for youe confidence and does nothing but hurt and stress you out further. You're better than that.

Yeah, I suppose your right. but having no friends for so many years just makes you desperate for anything I really want a friend I can trust thats more like me, buts its a rare thing to find these days...

 

[Haskell]

Listen to music for a motivation. Music is god.

 

[RedRum2514]

the one thing you wanna have is standards. standards is good quality friends. one way to have more confidence and care in yourself, your gonna need to have standards. if your a good person with integrity, morality and decent values, then you should have good friends and i don't see any reason for you or anyone to try and settle for less than that.

people in general will usually respect you based on how much you respect yourself. sometimes there are people who disrespect for their own reasons but it dosen't always mean its because of you it typically happens in first impressions. if you don't respect yourself, chances are people wont either. good quality friends will respect you if you have a quality that they admire. everyone can have some good qualities in them. although there are people out there who have a lot more bad qualities that vastly outnumber the good.

anyways, its not healthy to want a friend so badly that you would settle for someone that isn't good for you. you don't want to put yourself down to people into being your friend out of pity. toxic friends can get you into a lot of unwanted trouble, problems,and stress that you didn't ask for. and its not worth their "friendship" or whatever little they can offer that is good and positive.

although you gotta take in mind the kind of maturity people have in your age group. there are kids who wont befriend people for really dumb reasons. if its true that no girl wants to be friends with you because " I'm not pretty or fit" which i don't usually believe in. i really think in most cases, it isn't always about that. unless they say that to you to your face. then that's how you know, that you don't need to deal with those girls since their values are very shallow and immaturebut from your story, i don't think that's mainly the case. I think the case is, your anxious and even a little scared to try to make friends so you make up scenarios and "what ifs" or "they wont like me" but the thing is, you never know until you try. and its totally understandable. i was always like that too.but even if you do get new friends and a good one, it wont do any good if you value them and then the question pops up. "What is someone like them doing with someone like me?"

the real important thing is to gain some self confidence. with one thing comes another. if you were in an environment where your surrounded by kids. (like in school or something) then it would be a little easier. but since your home-schooled your going to have to put in effort to go out and make friends, if you want to. and that does require a little bit of confidence.

try going to a local park or library. any place where its possible to strike up conversation, and have an activity for you both to do together. thats how friends are made. and try not to focus so much about what could go wrong. but think more about wanting to talk to your friend. if theyre playing a game, ask if you can join and teach you how to play. ir theyre reading a comic book, ask them what it is theyre reading. and if they ask or if its related to the topic, tell them what you books you like to read or games you play. i think they will care more about what you do rather than what you look like or what you wear.

you can also ask your parent(s) to let you join some sort of activity or club with people around your age.

just do your best to not think to negatively on things that aren't even certain to happen. think positive.

Thats some darn good advice. I guess the only thing I can do is try and gain some confidence, I know myself that I have a lot of morals and self respect, I don't steal or break things and I don't break the law. I know that some people around my age go to the library and tennis courts, maybe I could try making some friend there? I should look in to some clubs and stuff like that too, I honestly never thought about that! I however have a habit or going through the possible out come of situations and usually acted upon the most likely which could be a problem...

- - - Post Merge - - -

Listen to music for a motivation. Music is god.

Lol, I agree with that, I need some new songs tho, I've been listening to the same music for ages now...

 

[FleuraBelle]

Wow that's unfortunate! I guess I'm not the best person to talk since I never had any friendships ended to that extremity but I think what you need most is to learn to love and respect yourself firstoff. True friends are the ones who don't care what you look like and your past. They care about you, the real you. They will accept you for who you are and who you want to be and would use their best efforts to help you achieve your dreams alongside happiness.
You can't really force friends imo because I think that would be rushing and make you both feel obligated to entertain each other, and that's hella awkward. I'd suggest allowing yourself to stay open to new kinds of people and learn how to understand those people and if you do that, friendships will occur naturally.
Like you, I was ALWAYS the introvert (whether i thought so or not). I was never the kid to approach new people, my current friends were the ones who approached me back in the day. I let it happen naturally and things either escalated or descended from there on.
Most of all to make friends, BE YOURSELF. <-- NUMBER ONE SUPER DUPER RULE!
There are so many varieties of people on Earth but nobody is the same person. Take this chance to express yourself in your own way! It's okay to take inspiration from others but you do you. Not everyone is going to want to be your friend though, be aware of that. But there are definitely people out there who I'm sure would love to be your buddy. i'd like to think those people would be the understanding kind, ones who can communicate with you and help break you out of your shell.
Another way to be more social is to start facing some fears. Go outside and do something. it can be anything, like painting, playing an instrument, singing, dancing, scavenging around the environment, examining plants, you name it just let yourself have fun. Maybe someone with a similar interest will walk by and want to join you. You never know.

sorry for my blob of text lol
hope i could help even a teensy bit <3

 

[A spooky ghost!]

Ok, so first off I'm not just talking online tbt friends, im talking irl friends... and please if your going to read this don't insult me or mock me, this is personal so be respectable about it! so a little background first,

Spoiler: Bunch of stuff you probably don't need to know

growing up I was always an introvert, the first day of school I was hella popular because I was the new kid, two girls in particular fought with each other to be my friend, and I wanted to be both there friends but they told me to choose one, torn between decisions of course I didn't give it much thought and eventually I chose the wrong person and she ended up being a bad influence and a bad friend.

because of this I don't know how to treat friends and when I had "friends" thinking about it now I may have been a little controlling and intimidating to them, truth be told I was just looking out for them and trying not to let them fall into a bad crowd... I guess they thought I was a terrible friend and they lied to me and started avoiding me, and eventually told me to fk off... and I mean I can't tell if I was being a good friend or not because I was treated like crap and as a result probably treat people like crap.

on the internet I've found I'm nice person and completely different, but irl I have severe anxiety around people and I'm really mean and hateful to them as a defence and it totally works. everyone feared me and didn't even stare at me because I scared them.. I often found myself wondering "why doesn't anyone just try to take a chance and teach me how to be a good friend?" in total, I was seen as a terrible person who hated everybody, but all I really needed was a good friend and a hug....

I almost had that, but the one person who wanted to be a real friend had to move shortly after, she started off as an enemy because she was in the crowd of the bad people, y'know, the popular snotty kids who think there better than everyone else. she came out and said she hated what they did and wanted to be my friend, my current "friend" at the time, the same one who told me to fk off, said I should give her a chance, we bonded quickly but my other "friend" not so, they just never clicked.

so thats when it all went down and my fake friend as I call them, went off with the bad crown and was abused by them but somehow saw it as friendship and better than me. and my other friend she didn't have much a say in it, we remained friends until she moved schools, and believe it or not I moved schools so we wouldn't have to stop being friends, but then she had to move and there was nothing I could do about that...

shortly after we were told we had to move due to our house being sold, and mum thought it was a good idea to move back down to were she was born, and I thought so too because it could be a fresh start. however when we moved I was home schooled at the time and making friends was extremely hard, I thought everyone in small country towns would be nice and civilized, boy was I wrong... our neighbors had 16 grand kids and they were completely opposite. I wont go into details about that though. since I don't go to school or get out and play like other kids (long story there) I have no idea how I'm supposed to go about getting friends out here, I just spend everyday cooped up inside on the internet and no-one knows I exist...

tldr; I'm extremely lonely and need a friend, even if that friend is a bad friend... just anyone... so anyways, someone please give me tips on how to get friends in a small country town, and being home schooled? I'm an awkward depressed 14yr old, I'm not pretty or fit so no girl wants to be friends with me because I'm 'ugly', and I'm fairly certain if I get a pretty friend i'll just be there to make them look better at comparison. so please help me out, how the heck do I get a friend or even go about it? this is probably a stupid question and no-one will be able to help me, but who cares right? this is the internet and no one cares about lonely little ol' me!

p.s you probably didn't read that giant story, but you probably should as it would make it easier to give me advice...

The first thing before you even try to make friends is stop being so hard on yourself.Be your own friend first ,do things that make you happy and you might find other people that like things you like. I'm 30 now and honestly I only have one real friend but it's quality not quantity,and looking back on my school years now I actually miss them.Hope you feel better soon ☺

 

[Ghost Soda]

-snip-

going off of everything you posted here, let me give you some advice:

1. don't expect other people to always be the ones to initiate contact, (i'm not saying it never happens, but it's best not to rely on it.) don't be afraid to put yourself out there. start out with a greeting, maybe bring up some things you're interested in. it's always easier to make friends when you have the same interests.

2. don't treat people like trash for no reason. nobody owes you friendship, if you want people to want to be friends with you, give them a reason to be. being "mean and hateful" only gives them a reason to avoid you.

since it feels like you don't think you have problems with your personality and it's just your appearance, try fixing that
become fit, wear makeup, become more stylish. watch videos or something. i think that might help you a little

this is terrible, terrible advice. it's one thing to change your appearance for yourself, but don't do it just because you think that makeup and fancy clothes is the only way to get friends.

 

[ams]

Just be friendly and nice to everyone you meet. Anxiety sucks, but it's no excuse to disrespect people. At school I always smile and say good morning to classmates that I pass in the hallway. I also generally choose to sit at tables with people - just ask if you can join them. Then I smile and chat to see if we click.

I'm a HUGE introvert too but if you just treat others the way you'd like your future friends to treat you then you'll find it's pretty easy to make friends.

 

[RedRum2514]

I will try to be a little more confident and outgoing, but its the rejection that scares me, I'm really sensitive and I fear that if some one rejects to be my friend then I will hide away and never come out again... and in the past when I treat people with respect and kindness they brush me off and are really rude... I guess when it all comes down to it I'm just scared....

 

[Cazqui]

OP if you read this I just wanna say,I understand where you're coming from. I was just like you when I was your age. It may not have been the exact situation but I was very lonely. I struggled with anxiety and in turn made me struggle with everyone around me to an extent. Just give it time. Try going to a club afterschool about something that interests you and work from there . You'll eventually find friends naturally instead of having to force yourself. You'll find friends sometimes in ways you didn't even think of before.

 

[Blueskyy]

Laugh at stupid jokes. Smile while ditzy girls gossip to you. Skimp up your wardrobe to see who notices.
Look for the people who despise you for being fake to be popular, and befriend them.

 

[RedRum2514]

OP if you read this I just wanna say,I understand where you're coming from. I was just like you when I was your age. It may not have been the exact situation but I was very lonely. I struggled with anxiety and in turn made me struggle with everyone around me to an extent. Just give it time. Try going to a club afterschool about something that interests you and work from there . You'll eventually find friends naturally instead of having to force yourself. You'll find friends sometimes in ways you didn't even think of before.

I searched for clubs but there a like none in this tiny town, at least none advertised >_< this monday I might go to the library and see if I can strike up a conversation with someone... just get out more and stuff.

 

[jill24]

Okay honestly the people saying to love yourself and be happy with yourself first is only half true, in my experience anyways. The way my irl friend groups have come together is because we all mutually hate ourselves! Hahah, that's only half true too.

But really, the reason they're half true is because when you want to try and commit to a friendship (or any relationship), you have to have some self respect. Because everyone in the world knows other people can take advantage of you and manipulate or make fun of you, even if they're your friends. You have to know when to put your foot down when someone is treating you wrong, and if that person isn't just there to treat you badly/isn't a bad person in general, they'll respect you for that. It will help your friendship, and it might even communicate to them that if you can stick up for yourself, then you're a reliable friend to have.

Also, I know it doesn't come easy to a lot of people, and even me sometimes, but making jokes is always the BEST way to go. My whole life I've always had at least one friend/acquaintance in whatever I'm involved in (I'm not trying to toot my own horn I'm just giving some backstory for the info!) and that's because I can make them laugh. At first really, I don't talk to ANYONE. I hate talking to strangers with a passion! Gives me so much anxiety. BUT, that's half because of anxiety and half because I'm watching them. I know it sounds freaky, but I'm actually just watching and trying to figure out who they are and what kind of humor they have. With any normal person, it's easiest just to say some relatable things. But I warn you, DO NOT repeat things you've seen off of other social media sites. It's just kind of cringey and they've been seen and said so many times you might come across as unoriginal. But if you can make some communication, that kind of helps too. Like in classes, just talk about that subject, and then branch off from there. Sprinkle some humor along in there, and I think you might make a few friend.

Lastly, I know how it feels to not have friends. I didn't have a solid group of friends until my freshman year of high school, and it was very tough. I always wanted to be apart of groups, and coming from a small school, everyone was in cliques right out of kindergarten almost. It made me a very depressed person and I struggle with a lot of jealousy issues stemming from friends getting bored of me and dropping our friendships, and I'm still working on how to overcome that. It's important to know that if it doesn't happen for awhile, then don't dwell on it much, because there is someone(s) out there for you. There ARE people who are going to vibe with you and get you on every level. I promise. You got this! Just be funny and super nice. Best of luck, girlie.

 

[LinkToTheWorld]

I had a pretty difficult childhood, meaning that I missed quite a bit of time out of high school. I lost touch with friends and I did end up quite isolated for a while. Confidence does come with age a lot of the time. It doesn't mean you still don't have anxiety or you're full of yourself, but it means you're a bit better equipped to get along with people.
It was a short term thing for me. Once you've finished your education you will meet people who in college or work who will behave very differently to the kids you've had experience with up until now. You will also be better at how to set standards for who you want in your life.
Really the only advice anybody can give you is to bear with it, fill your time with whatever hobbies or interests you have. Try and enjoy being yourself first before you try and make friends who may or may not be good influences.
Only you can grow in confidence in yourself