The KiloPatches Advice Column and Q&A Thread!
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KiloPatches
Senior Member
Ok, I'll do one! This is a good thread, and hopefully you get something out of it too
During college, I had a summer internship at one of the largest accounting firms in the world and had a negative, draining experience which left me biased against working in the corporate sector. Still, in 2011, I completed my Bachelor's in Accounting and Information Systems and entered one of the worst job markets ever. I got a professional certification to set myself apart and began freelancing very part-time (never more than 8 hours a week), had some odd consulting jobs, etc. Eventually, I ended up working for a small tax accounting firm, preparing and filing US taxes.
It was a tedious cubicle job, and though there were some aspects I could enjoy, I found myself taking many sick and half days just to cope with my crushing hopelessness. I dreaded going to work every day, coming in before it was light, leaving after the sun had set; particularly during busy season. I never took lunch breaks because it would only mean I would have to stay at work longer. I began making spreadsheets detailing my life expenses (student loan, car, etc) to see how long before I could quit and start my own tea shop (I know nothing about entrepreneurship, or owning a cafe, so it was mostly just a dream to keep me hopeful). I started obsessing about how much time I had on the weekends, feeling like any leisurely activity would take too much time and be too great an opportunity cost against OTHER leisurely things I also wasn't doing.
I saw a doctor while on company-sponsored health plan, who insinuated I seemed to have mild to moderate symptoms of depression and anxiety but just needed to get some exercise and a hobby that wasn't video games before spending the rest of our 40-minute appointment (that I paid for) discussing the details of how my family cares for my mentally-disabled half-brother (an area in which I have no influence). She referred me to her weekly support group for whining Millennials (my pessimistic take); and I decided it wasn't worth a $10 weekly co-pay to go each month (mind you, I was saving to quit my job) I cancelled our next and any subsequent appointment.
Alas, I never got to opportunity to quit my job. As soon as the US tax season was at its close, I and one other was let go. I never got a good reason, but I suspect it was because I didn't put enough hours in during the busy season (12 hours/day + weekends is typical) I began to collect unemployment (sigh, again), and poached a client to do very part-time work (less than 2 hours a week, again), but was otherwise living very comfortably, free from a job I hated and starting Summer, my favorite part of the year.
All of that to bring me back to today: Unemployment has run out without hope of extension, and by my back of the napkin calculation, I have maybe 3 or so months of cash to live on. During my 7 months on unemployment, I've had several job interviews with various professional service firms, but I always find myself goofing around in the interviews, or hoping they'll proceed with other candidates because truthfully I'm SO SO scared of going back to work, of feeling what I felt in my other jobs, of losing 8 hours a day + commute to do something I don't care about.
I don't think I'm just lazy. I don't mind doing work and I like helping people. I really like my freelance work, although the thought of going "somewhere" to "build my client base" or whatever makes me exhausted just thinking about it. After all, some days it's exhausting enough just to pull myself into the shower and wear real clothes (Makeup? Forget about it). Some days it's hard not to get super stressed out that I'm going to have to find a job (and quickly), and I beat myself for investing more time into something like Animal Crossing than I have invested in my own future.
I am wondering if maybe it would be best to take a part-time job in a low stress environment (like a chill coffee shop; to get some experience working in a cafe, if they'll hire me) to maybe slowly get re-acclimated to working life without losing all my free time (or living in a florescent-lit cube).
I...forgot what I was asking. Well, whatever, it was probably a good exercise to list out at least one of the things that has been bothering me in written words. Thanks for reading.
OH MY GOODNESS I AM SOOOO SORRY I OVERLOOKED THIS!!!!! I will respond now:
First and foremost I want to congratulate you for being a highly dedicated and highly achieved woman. You have accomplished great things. You have worked VERY hard to get where you are now, and you should be VERY proud of that.
I understand your feelings, trust me. My illness (Bipolar Disorder) flares up in November and March - go figure, Midterm Season! Sometimes I wonder if I can cope with university life at all. But my education matters too much for me to just give up and quit, so I press on, I make arrangements with my profs, I inform them ahead of time about what my illness might bring so we can plan ahead of time, etc... And they find me to be very dedicated and admire me for it, despite how disabling my illness is at times, such as the anxiety and depression that comes in November and March of each year. I am medicated, yes, and I am working hard with my psychiatrist to work out the kinks in my "cocktail" so to speak to get the right doses with minimal side effects. My Dream is to get my Masters & PhD and become a professor. I KNOW I am capable of that.... but sometimes I have doubts. Like getting accepted into Grad School. So many people get rejected.... I could be one of them! I would feel so WORTHLESS! My Self-Worth is attached to me getting into Grad School! And that isn't good, nor is it healthy. Its the same with you. "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself" said FDR, and its true. It will only provoke anxiety and "what ifs" and "shoulds" and "I can'ts" etc.... when really we need to promote positive affirmations in our lives. What are your gifts? Talents? Skills? Passions? Learn about yourself. Embrace YOU. Utilize those things to drive your career goals. The last thing you want is to wind up doing something you hate for work - you will wind up miserable, and start the cycle of depression again. It is a HARD job market out there. REALLY hard. In Canada too. I live in a city with the highest unemployment rate in the country I believe. You are literally SOL here. I am fortunate to be in the university community, so I can get TAships and Research Assistantships, etc... so.... I don't have to find a "real job". I have never had a "real job". I have tried. Had MANY interviews. Felt I nailed every single one. Devastated by every failed attempt. Its AWFUL here. At least housing costs are low. But good luck finding a job! I feel your pain. But you have an arsenal of skills with you. You CAN open your own business if you like.... you just need a little assistance. Perhaps a loan, perhaps a few partners or investors, someone who has skills to bring to the table that you can't offer necessarily.... Perhaps do some research on self-employment and starting a small business. Talk to your bank. Talk to family members - make networking connections, spread the word as much as you can.
I don't feel avoiding a working environment is what's right for you, in my opinion. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe right now what you need for the time being is a low key, low stress environment working in a quiet coffee shop. No big deal. So long as its temporary. But you can achieve SO MUCH GREATER than that. I KNOW YOU CAN! I believe, personally, that right now the best thing for you to handle your anxiety and depression is to regain control over your life. Get back in the driver's seat. Take a healthy risk, go on an adventure of personal growth and self-awareness, and take the plunge and follow your dreams, with the right guidance. You just need to start somewhere. And you can start today. Don't wait till tomorrow. Make a commitment to change your life and better yourself and empower yourself for once and get out there and SHINE!
Why are these pictures making me laugh? xD
KiloPatches
Senior Member
What you need to realize is what is the source of the bully's actions and thoughts. There IS a source. They may be popular, yes, because people are drawn to them, either because they are feared, or people seek approval from them, they may have other attractive qualities that people like..... but most bullies hate themselves, or hate the future or hate the world. They are pessimists, and they take their rage and anger out on targets who they feel are weaker because they once were targeted themselves in some way and made to feel weak.
I can speak on behalf of both perspectives. As a bully, and as someone who HAS ben bullied.
My mother sexually abused me from the age of 3 to about the age of 11 repeatedly and often as sort of a power trip. She would use the assaults as threats, punishments, and manipulate me with them in all sorts of horrible corrupt ways, till I was a pre-teen and strong enough to fight back and stand up for myself. My mother was raped by her father. She got pleasure out of putting me, her daughter, in a victimizing position because she was once the victim and now she was in a position of power. She became the bully. She became VERY ill when I was 8 years old and was in a coma and in the ICU for 4 months. I suffered from PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) after that because I witnessed her die and be revived with the "cart" (you know the thing they use to electrocute you and say, "Clear!") and so every time I saw and ambulance drive by with sirens I would have a flash back to that moment and get very aggressive. Once in grade 4 there was this girl, Kelly, who was a grade below me in my split class, and I had an episode and she made fun of me when I cried when the ambulance drove by the school. Her and I have a hobby in common - collecting chap sticks of different flavours. There were these special edition birthstone ones. "Peach Peridot" was one of them. It said it right on the label. Peridot being a birthstone (for I believe June or July). Kelly INSISTED it read "Peach Plumdrop" I GOT SO MAD. "CAN'T YOU READ?!?!" I screamed at her. "Yeah," she said, "it says Peach Plumdrop" pointing to the label. I reached for a wooden ruled and smacked her knuckles with it repeatedly. She cried, I was sent to the Principal's Office, my mother was called and my mother defended me and said I did the right thing. (Typical of her - she would have done the same to me if I mispronounced something, beat me with something). Its all about conditioning. Learning. Anyway. In that instance, I was the bully.
I was bullied in Grade 7 & 8. I liked this popular guy, Anthony, from like Grade 5 to Grade 8 and never said a word, but I knew he liked me too. In Grade 7 I became OBSESSED with the military. Anything Army-related. I dressed in combats, I wore fishnets, camouflage, anything army green, you name it, my whole wardrobe changed. In Grade 8 I joined Air Cadets and joined the Drill Team and would practice my Drill routine on the pavement of the basketball courts (Anthony played basketball) because it made a good "bang" sound when I marched on it with my drill boots. I was teased and called "Army Girl". Some guys found it secretly hot. But I was VERY unpopular. EVERYONE hated me. Because I was against the norm. I was original. And I didn't give a **** what anyone thought of me or how I dressed or that I dyed the tips of my long blonde hair black. Grade 8 Graduation came and I was REALLY hoping to go with Anthony. So I asked him because I was upfront and fearless like that. And I was embarrassed and teased in front of this HUGE group of girls, one of them being Anthony's date. He seemed ashamed, but at the same time he didn't want to risk his popularity status by going out with ME.
If you learn anything from this, know that bullying always has a source. Bullies have a weakness of their own. A dark side that eats away at them. Its not fair that they take it out on you, like my mother took it out on me, or like how I took it out on Kelly, but its a coping strategy to deal with the pain.
If you come to terms with that, perhaps you can take the bully's actions less seriously, especially if they are verbal. Physical violence should not be tolerated and should be reported to a teacher. Anything that makes you particularly uncomfortable and hurt should be discussed with a guidance counsellor. Just because these bullies are weak themselves, doesn't excuse them for their actions for hurting you.
- - - Post Merge - - -
Because they're.... FAAAAAAABULOUUUUUUUUSSSSS!!!!!!!!!! XD
You kinda answered my questions but I think you were confused?
Veterinarians actually rarely handle the animals in a normal clinic. It's mostly the technicians or assistants. The vets usually perform surgery or talk to clients. The clinic I work in...I hate it. I hate it to bits. To become a vet doesn't just mean studying hard, it means passion. Passion which I lack...I love animals but not people. I don't mean that in a harsh way like "ALL MEN ARE EVIL, HUMANS ARE DEATH". I just mean I understand animals better than I understand people and I admit I have somewhat of an inability to communicate how many people expect me to communicate (It might just be because I live in the USA where everyone is touchy-feely?)... I thought about becoming a Dog Trainer and getting something in Animal Behavior but being a Dog Trainer is hit and miss... Plus, I kinda just went "*SNAPS* I'll be a dog trainer!*...
But onto the important things I guess:
How do I tell my disapproving mother that I'm not going to become this "rich and famous" veterinarian? She seems hell bent on success for me, I know. It's a parent thing...But my mother just constantly tries to push and push and I'm fed up with it. I honestly have a terrible relationship with my parents. My mother was abusive and my dad and I don't have a real connection.
Sorry if I'm asking too much I know you're busy with your DA contest and IRL stuff.
But onto the important things I guess:
How do I tell my disapproving mother that I'm not going to become this "rich and famous" veterinarian? She seems hell bent on success for me, I know. It's a parent thing...But my mother just constantly tries to push and push and I'm fed up with it. I honestly have a terrible relationship with my parents. My mother was abusive and my dad and I don't have a real connection.
Sorry if I'm asking too much
I know you're busy with your DA contest and IRL stuff.KiloPatches
Senior Member
You kinda answered my questions but I think you were confused?
Veterinarians actually rarely handle the animals in a normal clinic. It's mostly the technicians or assistants. The vets usually perform surgery or talk to clients. The clinic I work in...I hate it. I hate it to bits. To become a vet doesn't just mean studying hard, it means passion. Passion which I lack...I love animals but not people. I don't mean that in a harsh way like "ALL MEN ARE EVIL, HUMANS ARE DEATH". I just mean I understand animals better than I understand people and I admit I have somewhat of an inability to communicate how many people expect me to communicate (It might just be because I live in the USA where everyone is touchy-feely?)... I thought about becoming a Dog Trainer and getting something in Animal Behavior but being a Dog Trainer is hit and miss... Plus, I kinda just went "*SNAPS* I'll be a dog trainer!*...
But onto the important things I guess:
How do I tell my disapproving mother that I'm not going to become this "rich and famous" veterinarian? She seems hell bent on success for me, I know. It's a parent thing...But my mother just constantly tries to push and push and I'm fed up with it. I honestly have a terrible relationship with my parents. My mother was abusive and my dad and I don't have a real connection.
Sorry if I'm asking too much
Sorry for misunderstanding you.
Let me try again......If being a vet isn't your thing, what DO your parents expect of you? I know you don't have best relationship with them - I am not on good terms with my father either, and was not on the best terms with my mother when she died - but I can credit them in saying I don't regret any decision I have ever made. Because I feared what they would think of me. It set me straight. I sought their approval - my mother's obsessively so that when she died I didn't know what to do with myself but seek approval from every other authority figure in my ultimate universal sphere. I know this sounds CRAZY, but look to them for guidance. Adult to adult. Not parent to child. If they start manipulating you or harassing you or abusing you make them aware of it calmly, bring it to their attention, tell them its counter-productive for the purposes of the conversation, and move on, and if they continue? Call it quits. Clearly they don't wish to cooperate. And you can't force them to. But it doesn't hurt to try. Parents have wisdom that we take for granted a lot of the time. There is a REASON for the disapproval. There is FEAR. There is CONCERN. There is LOVE. Its just not being expressed properly. Remember that. My parents were the same, I know, and it is VERY difficult when you are in that position to see past that when you are taking all that abuse. But try to listen what they have to say. Maybe they have some words of wisdom, or knowledge, or clarifications of expectations of you and why. And maybe it will smooth things over a bit.
Okay so I've never done this before, but I don't have anyone else to turn to to talk about this.
I used to cut myself every day. I would do between 50 to 100 cuts in the same area (upper thigh, parents busted me doing it on my wrists) and I've got scars there that have faded somewhat but are still visible.
I haven't cut myself intentionally for about 5 or 6 months now. The other day I found my old razor and it was still in great condition and sharp and hadn't rusted or anything.
I was extremely tempted to cut, but I just wrapped it up and put it away again.
Sometimes I like to get my knife out and rest it on my thigh, just imagining what it would be like to cut again, amid darker thoughts. I'm clinically depressed and have major suicidal thoughts. I haven't seen a counselor in 4 years. I was on anti depressants but they stopped working.
I haven't been tempted to cut in so long, but finding my razor brought all the memories rushing back. I also just got told that my best friend who is closer to me than any family member has leukemia and the doctors don't know if they can save her.
I was just wondering if you'd be able to help me. I'm scared because I don't know if I have the willpower to keep from cutting again and I know if I lose her, I won't be able to stop myself until it's too late.
Please PM with your answer as well as replying here if possible.
Thank you.
I used to cut myself every day. I would do between 50 to 100 cuts in the same area (upper thigh, parents busted me doing it on my wrists) and I've got scars there that have faded somewhat but are still visible.
I haven't cut myself intentionally for about 5 or 6 months now. The other day I found my old razor and it was still in great condition and sharp and hadn't rusted or anything.
I was extremely tempted to cut, but I just wrapped it up and put it away again.
Sometimes I like to get my knife out and rest it on my thigh, just imagining what it would be like to cut again, amid darker thoughts. I'm clinically depressed and have major suicidal thoughts. I haven't seen a counselor in 4 years. I was on anti depressants but they stopped working.
I haven't been tempted to cut in so long, but finding my razor brought all the memories rushing back. I also just got told that my best friend who is closer to me than any family member has leukemia and the doctors don't know if they can save her.
I was just wondering if you'd be able to help me. I'm scared because I don't know if I have the willpower to keep from cutting again and I know if I lose her, I won't be able to stop myself until it's too late.
Please PM with your answer as well as replying here if possible.
Thank you.
KiloPatches
Senior Member
This is very tragic. *hugs* I feel for you, I really do.
I have never been a cutter. I have tried to cut, but its never really been my thing. I more so turn to overdosing. I know that when I get depressed, I start counting pills and milligrams and what a lethal dose wold be, etc.... things are serious. (Not that I am giving you advice on how to kill yourself! No! Please don't do that!) I am on so many prescription medications it would be easy to overdose and kill myself. I see a psychologist as well as I psychiatrist. In Canada Psychiatrists are covered under free health care, but Psychologists are not. My university gave me a $2000 bursary to see a Psychologist for $100/session. I am not sure where you live or what your situation is, but I would highly advice you seek out medical attention for your depression. As a Psychology student I know there are a broad range of antidepressants. The most common ones are called SSRIs. Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors. I can explain how they work if you like but not every SSRI is the same. There are also SNRIs for the neurotransmitter Norepinephrine rather than Serotonin. There are a variety of options. Its about finding which antidepressant works for you. Believe me, I have Bipolar Disorder and I undergo medication changes all the time, either my body adapts, or an environment event happens which spins my mood out of control that I require intervention, such as my mother's death in 2010. Which brings me to my next point about your friend. What would suicide solve? There are many types of suicide, one relating to death of a loved one so that you can join them in "heaven" so to speak (which is the cause of many child suicides and cult suicides). Suicide should never be a coping mechanism - and I should take my own advice here, I know. I am the type that seeks out suicide and wishes sincerely to die at the time of death, but if I survive (which so far every time I have) I feel better days or weeks later. Thing of a time you cut yourself. How long after was it that you experienced a joyful time? Went and saw a movie? Hung out with friends? Did something fun? Suicide in many cases are fleeting feelings.
What I would advise is that you make a WRAP - a Wellness Recovery Action Plan.
STEP 1: Make a Daily Maintenance List: like showering, brushing your teeth, etc....
This is good if you feel depressed because you tend to forget to do these things.
STEP 2: Make a Wellness Toolbox of things you enjoy
It can be a list of things you enjoy doing when you feel fine. Watching a favourite movie, playing ACNL, favourite hobbies, excersize, whatever you like doing when you are well, add it to the list. You can even get creative and make a deck of cards. Go on Google Images and search for each item on your list like "Yoga" or "21 Jump Street" or "Sewing" or "Starbucks" and print out, in colour, the images you picked and glue them or tape them to index cards. You can even print out a picture of a "toolbox" for each card and put it on the other side. Shuffle the deck, and whenever you feel like cutting, shuffle the deck and pick a card and do that activity instead. Do it again.
STEP 3: Make Your WRAP:
a) Start with identifying your Triggers - make a list
b) Make a Triggers Action Plan - what will you do when you are Triggered to cope in a healthy way?
c) Early Warning Signs - identify them and make a list
d) Early Warning Signs Action Plan - what will you do if you start seeing yourself getting depressed?
e) Feeling Much Worse - what does this look like for you? Identify the symptoms
f) Feeling Much Worse Action Plan - what should you do then?
g) "I need Immediate Help If...." list - this is where lethal cutting and suicide comes in
h) Action Plan: Make a list of Crisis Centre numbers, calling 911 is the best option, your psychiatrist's number if you have one to book an earlier appointment, and be sure to list friend's names and contact info too who can be supportive.
Type this WRAP up and keep it in a bound duotang somewhere you can always see it and access it. Refer to it as often as you can to see where you are at and take action. Hopefully that will prevent crisis should your friend's condition get worse...
I ope that helps! Let me know if there is anything else I can do. *hugs*
Eldin
hmm
Interesting! Yes, in some ways I am glad that I waited because I have worked since graduation, so I have a decent savings that will hopefully go towards college/university in the future. I have travelled a bit as well so I am grateful for that experience.
It's just hard worrying that I will never decide, haha. But it's good to hear that older students are common!
Also it's kind of funny, if I had gone to university right out of high school I would've been 17 as well, my birthday is on September 20th, haha.
Thanks!
KiloPatches
Senior Member
KiloPatches
Senior Member
Any Advice needed today?
KiloPatches
Senior Member
How was your day?
Well, its only 3:23pm right now, so its hard to say just yet. I woke up in a lot of pain because of the kidney stones. I felt nauseous. Had dry mouth. Totally unpleasant...... Ugh..... AND it makes me drowsy so I sleep a LOT. And eat very little.
My dad basically called me fat over the phone yesterday and hurt my feelings. He asked me how much I weight, and I told him. "That's too much" he said. "You know that's too much right? You need to lose weight".
Ugh.... body image issues..... if only I looked the way I did in 2006 when I was 16..... or when I was blonde..... ANYTHING but now.
And its not my fault..... its these medication changes.....
I talk a bit about it here: http://www.belltreeforums.com/showt...othering-you&p=4396316&viewfull=1#post4396316
Its like he can't love a "fat" daughter (meanwhile I am not all that fat.... he doesn't even know what I look like, he is 5 hours away and just dwells on a number.....)
Still, it hurt my feelings...... :'(
Born2BWild
Senior Member
Hope no one minds if I bump this with a question:
If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
EDIT: And don't listen to your dad. You are beautiful.
If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
EDIT: And don't listen to your dad. You are beautiful.
Last edited:
KiloPatches
Senior Member
Hope no one minds if I bump this with a question:
If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
EDIT: And don't listen to your dad. You are beautiful.
I don't mind at all!
The power of persuasion. Think about it. XD
And..... thanks, Steven.
KiloPatches
Senior Member
I had no idea about this so I ad to look it up.
This is my source: http://www.cbsnews.com/news/charlie-hebdo-cover-is-an-act-of-war/
For my own personal reasons, I say it is an act of War because according to Sharia Muslims depictions of Muhummad (PBUH) are blasphemous. Cartoon depictions like this are absolutely insulting to the culture of Islam.
I am not one to believe Muslims are Terrorists. I am a Catholic. But I would stand up for the rights of Islam a fiercely as I would stand up for the rights of my own religion. I try very hard to fight again Islamophobia.
The reason being is that Islam stands upon 5 Pillars. One of them is Charity. In highschool I had a Muslim friend whose father was my boxing coach (he was the National Champion in India). When my mother went in for heart surgery and my father couldn't take care of me, my friend's family took me into their home and I spent 4 months there. I learned the true side of Islam. I learned the culture and practices and in no way did they try to convert me or anything. I wanted to stay - I didn't want to go back to my abusive parents. I picked up a bit of Arabic, and now I can greet any Muslim I meet respectfully. I feel indebted to them. The History books teach us we learned a lot from the Muslims that we often don't give credit for..... like the sextant that got Christopher Columbus across the ocean. Like the Architecture that inspired the buildings in Spain from the Moors. Like Medicine and Science and Astronomy. The Arabs invented the concept of Zero - the Europeans didn't know how to calculate imaginary numbers until the Arabs came along and taught them. We owe the Arabs a great debt. They don't deserve prejudice. YES I KNOW SOME MUSLIMS ARE TERRORISTS. BUT! Racial profiling also shows that so are some caucasians, hispanics, and other races. NOT JUST ARABS.
*pants heavily* Have I said enough?
KiloPatches
Senior Member
College is not for everyone. Some belong in the trades, others in university, others in entry-level jobs. Whatever your skills set is, and whatever you are passionate about.
Knock Knock Joke...... hmmm.....
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
Favourite Commercial hands down, by far...... and if you're not Canadian or speak remedial French you probably won't get the jokes, but its SOOOOO FUNNY!
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uJk7pWeDHcM
Born2BWild
Senior Member
2 questions from me today:
Do you believe in life on other planets?
Have you ever broken a bone?
Do you believe in life on other planets?
Have you ever broken a bone?
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