The out of context quotes thread

[Captain Jigglypuff]

*Bob dressed as a stewardess is pushing a cart down the plane’s aisle and he stops at one row*
“Peanut?”
“Oh yes please.”
*Man reaches out to take the peanut packet only for Bob to pull it away from him*
“Ahhh! Tsk tsk.”
*Bob opens the bag and hands the man a single peanut*
“Peanut! Peanut!”
*Bob continues to give passengers a single peanut*

 

[Yoshi155]

Oh, no, no, no.

What, dude?

So now that I have a hit TV show, you guys care about dolphins and whales?

We always have.

Yeah, totally.

I asked you guys to help me, and you said no!

That’s not what we said.

You said “Stan, me and Kenny don’t give two ****s about stupid-ass whales.”

We were talking about Wales, the country.

Look, if you admit that you’re only doing this because you want to be on TV, then I’ll consider it. Admit you just want to be on TV.

…I just want to be on TV.

Kenny! I deserve to be on TV.

 

[Yoshi155]

Dude, you know what? Japanese people really do not like whales.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

“We now return to our presentation of Free Willy: The Director’s Cut.”
“Jump Willy! Jump!”
*Willy is jumping over Jesse and casting a shadow over him when the shadow suddenly starts to get larger and Jesse becomes terrified. Cut to Homer watching the movie and a splat is heard. Homer is sad*
“Oh….”
“Oh no! Willy didn’t make it and he killed our boy!”
“What a mess.”
“I don’t like this director’s cut….”

 

[Yoshi155]

“Okay” is not answering the question. You can’t avoid life like that.

 

[QueenCobra]

"Na-ni Shimasho-ka?"

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

“Hasa Deega Ebowi!”
“You shouldn’t say that!”
“Why not?”
“Because it means F you Heavenly Father!”
“WHAT?! I SAID IT LIKE 13 TIMES!!!!!!!”

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

“I’ve got a gun out there in my purse and up to now I’ve been forgiving and forgetting because of the way I was brought up. But I’ll tell you one thing, if you say another thing about me or make another indecent proposal, I’m gonna get that gun of mine and I’m gonna change you from a rooster to a hen with one shot! Don’t think I can’t do it!”

 

[Yoshi155]

90% of these Green Stars are just out in the open and super easy to get, but this one pisses me off. You have to be stupidly accurate. And this one is literally just Crash Bandicoot having a bad day. And this one throws depth perception out the window, so good luck. And this one can just go… go screw itself. And THIS one makes me want to jump into a super volcano while holding super TNT so I can super die.

 

[Yoshi155]

No cheap crack houses for me no more!

*goes to a crack mansion instead*

 

[QueenCobra]

“I think I would know Nora’s fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women. It is a rather girlish noise, not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have. It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night.”

(I know these are supposed to be out of context, but this is from one of James Joyce’s love letters to his wife Nora. Yes, really.)

 

[VernalLapin]

“Nice pep talk. Thanks for underestimating me. You know, If you were Orville Redenbacher’s dad, we wouldn’t have airplanes.”

 

[Yoshi155]

I’ll give you 300 bucks for it.

No can do.

Oh, all right. I’ll just take these $300 burglar’s tools then.

Very good, sir. *opens cash register*

So, what time you close tonight?

 

[Yoshi155]

Futurama, noun: I don’t know, you just watched it, dummy. What are you asking me for? Hey, here’s a fun definition. Idiot, noun: you! *laughs*

 

[VernalLapin]

“Oh my gosh, there are over a thousand Hamilton parodies and more than half of them are college applications!”

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

“How do you get your hair so stiff and black?”
“It’s a wig.”
“It looks so real.”

 

[Yoshi155]

Hey, I heard you like bad boys.

Yeah. Why?

Not to brag, but I’m literally bad at everything.

Meets me at 8.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

*Cornfed and Duckman are staring at a bird*
“Look at that titmouse!”
“I’ve never seen such a huge titmouse before.”
“Who knew that a titmouse could be so large?”
“It certainly is a large titmouse.”
“A beautiful bird the titmouse is.”
“The titmouse is certainly a wonderful bird.”
“Ah I love the titmouse. We can still say titmouse, right?”
“Yep.”
“When does the V chip come out?”
“Not until November.”
*Duckman and Cornfed celebrate the fact that their conversation can’t be censored and they high five each other*

 

[Yoshi155]

Isn’t this fun?

No! I wish I had two mommies!

 

[QueenCobra]

“I don’t like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here, here everything is soft, and smooth.”