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The out of context quotes thread

“We know that they are lying.
They know that they are lying.
They even know that we know they are lying.
We also know that they know we know they are lying too.
They of course know that we certainly know they know we know they are lying too as well, but they are still lying.
In our country, the lie has become not just moral category, but the pillar industry of this country."
 
“You’re pathetic and lonely and can’t afford high definition television
Because your job doesn’t pay enough….”
 
“If you like Chicken of the Sea brand tuna, then you’ll love new Tuna of the Dirt brand chicken!”
“Tuna of the.. Dirt..?”
“Yep! Tuna of the Dirt is 100% top-grade tuna-free canned chicken!”
“Hmm.. so, wait.. is it tuna or not?”
“Oh, it’s tuna alright – Tuna of the Dirt brand chicken! So, when you’re sure you don’t want fish, grab the only chicken good enough to be called tuna – Tuna of the Dirt brand chicken. Look for the chicken with the cowboy on the label!”
“Wait! I’m confused! Why is a.. a cowboy on this chicken can holding a fish pole?”
“Well, because he’s fishing around for quality chicken! Tuna of the Dirt – the chicken with the fishing cowboy on the label. In the tuna section of your supermarket!”
 
“Mr Pig, I think we should get a….”
*Door bell rings and Tree Trunks and Mr Pig finds a baby Sweet Pea on the doorstep*
“A baby! Well this changes everything!”
 
“You’re lighting your finger on fire!”
“What?! *Puts out fire* Awww man. That was a perfectly good finger!”
 
“These eggs are cage free, right?”
“I don’t keep my chickens in cages. I think that they let in too much sunlight. That’s why I keep them in small metal boxes in the darkness of my basement so that I don’t have to look at their gross faces.”
“What?! You’re joking, right?!”
“No. I’m dead serious. Sometimes the chickens suffocate inside the boxes and save me the trouble of bludgeoning them to death for dinner. Talk about killing two birds with one stone!”
“Oh god! I think I’m gonna be sick!”
*Stacie starts crying*
“Oh don’t tell me you’re allergic to something too….”
 
Last edited:
“You wait right here while I put on this bikini swimsuit I’ve been hearing about.”
*Granny giggles and changes*
“Here I come!”
*Granny exits changing booth in a turn of the century one piece bathing suit*
 
“'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!”
 
“Coconuts have water in them!”

“They’re harmless, they have very tiny brains”

“*Sniffs* You don’t smell.”
“Thanks-Wait what?”
 
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