so i'm depressed (clinically before y'all start freaking out about ~self diagnosis~ which isnt that bad) diagnosed with episodic depression, severe social anxiety and generalised anxiety. I've been this way for probably 4 years, and it just keeps getting worse. i finally plucked up the courage to get help in may 2013, and it was useless for me (don't let me discourage you from getting help) one psychologist was just rude and useless, the other was okay but just tried the same thing over and over and it didnt work, even when i told him it didnt work. i finally got meds, and it made me worse, so i changed tablets, it worked for a few months, and now its stopped working and i'll have to change again, which is a pain as the side effects suck for the first few weeks
i got sick in the second half of 2013, doctors didnt know what was wrong, it as just painful with no sign of what was wrong with me, i was prescribe tablets that took the pain away but not i can't stand up without feeling dizzy and my vision blurring, so i can't operate heavy machinery (same with my anti depressants) or do anything too strenous. my mystery illness also made it so i couldnt leave the house, walk more than a few minutes or be in any other position than lying down. i hated university so i dropped out a week into 2014, planning to change my course and begin mid year. i got better, the pain went, and i was fine. i had a job over the summer which was fun, but my manager only gave me like 3 hours a week... oh well.
then in may, my dad got a job and we had to move states. my boyfriend lives in the state we were moving too, so i was excited. in my illness, i lost pretty much all contact with my friends as i couldn't do much, so i wasnt leaving much behind other than my sister who was staying in our home state. and so i moved, i planned to be a new person, then i got sick again. it came back with a vengeance. i couldnt start uni as it was too late, i couldnt get a job because i was too sick, i had no friends except my bf who works two jobs and does full time university. and its been months... and i'm better now but the depression is so much worse, i feel like its getting worse and worse with every day. all i do is sit at home and i can't get a job for the summer and i feel like its too late, everyone has their summer casuals so its too late for me. I got a job interview with a huge fancy company, but i couldn't go because my anxiety was overwhelming (ive only worked for smaller homely companies and not commission based work). i actually cried in the middle of a shopping centre but i wasn't even embarrassed, i just felt guilty that i couldn't do it. I've called helo lines and crisis chat lines when it gets bad (apparently you're supposed to call them every time you're depressed?? which is all the time so yeah) and they are useless, waiting 50 minutes to talk to someone who just tells you to go out and do something when i had clearly said that i can't.
i'm just scared that it going to be the same for the next few months until i go to university, if i get into university. and if i dont get in, then what? i'm getting worse, and i'm going to change my meds but i'm scared...
I just don't want to be sad any more, just like a lot of you guys on here
Bell tree has helped so much though, getting me back into drawing, the sense of community, all that.
anyway sorry for being depressing and thanks for reading if you did