What's Bothering You?

I haven't been feeling well mentally since January and it's only getting worse and worse and worse.
First I got sick again, then I found out I'm not graduating this year and won't be able to for two more years (if I pass all my classes) and was only able to take 2 of my program's classes this semester.
Then I got super antisocial toward everyone I love and I don't know why and haven't fully recovered from that. I just suddenly hated all of my friends and nothing gave me a reason why.
I'm not taking care of myself, I'm barely eating or taking my meds, I'm not keeping my room clean. I can barely even hold attention on games and stuff that I like, and if I do I'm so far gone its all I can think about to an unhealthy degree. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears constantly and I don't know why. I want to do art and yet perfectionism and RSD makes me so adverse to doing it that I just don't.
And yeah, the world sucks. Everything sucks. Things are strained with certain friends and with certain family and even in school there are issues. But the thing is that you'd think that'd be what's causing me to be upset and none of that is? Or maybe it is?? I've developed an apathy response to anything I deem too stressful and I don't think it's not that I'm not feeling anything its just all the feelings are in there and stay in there and are so heavily masked that I don't even know what's causing them.

Cause I don't know what's causing them, I really don't. There are reasons for me to be upset yet I don't feel upset about those things, unless my theory holds true. Instead I'm just dysphoric mentally and I just don't really see any point. And I'd do things to help myself if I had the energy to even get out of bed. Usually I wait for my bad moods to subside but this is been since January at least, and I can feel it getting worse, and I dunno what to do except keep barely existing because I have to, and that's not a pleasant way to live nor giving me much hope or helping my mood lmao.

It'd help if I had anyone to talk to especially abt my interests but I'm not friends with anyone who likes the same stuff as me anymore especially to the degree i like it so idfk I guess I will sit here in silence and just be because thats all I can do. And no amount of people telling me that's enough is gonna convince me that it is lmao

and yes I'm going to therapy
 
trying to build a following while sites demand you already have ~10k followers or whatever before they stop treating you like a spambot/actually show your content to people just feels like the internet equivalent of "be 18 with 18 years of job experience"

edit: just to clarify, this is in regards to "having a following is kinda vital for an online art career"
 
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My cat Misty has to stay overnight at a pet hospital bc she was extremely lethargic and possibly had a stroke. 😢
Misty update: She is likely coming home tonight or tomorrow. The tech called and said Misty’s been eating, walking, responding to chin-scratches, etc. Her blood pressure was a bit high, too, so she’s taking meds for that in addition to her usual thyroid pills.
This was a relief to hear! Finn will also be happy to see his sister.
 
I feel almost offended when I'm told to be normal, but at the same time I also feel bad for acting differently compared to everyone else.

It makes me wonder how my online friends and/or my partner will perceive me if we ran into each other in person. I'd feel bad if they just don't like me anymore, because they would expect me to be a certain way. I just want to be accepted as a person, not rejected like some monster. It doesn't feel right for me to change for others, but what if it's the only way...?
 
This gressingham duck leg in orange and port sauce doesn't taste of orange nor duck, more of an artificial taste, it's quite concerning as they used to be nice. Another reason to use a Chinese takeaway
 
the impractical jokers situation.

i’m pretty young, and i have been watching impractical jokers for as long as i can remember. my parents used to turn it on all the time. they even went to one of their live shows.

my family knew that something was wrong years ago when episodes of the show with joe acting inappropriate were taken off of streaming services.

it’s just weird thinking that two of the men that i grew up watching on tv are actually disgusting people. murr and joe were never my favorites, so i’m not as sad as i would be if i found out sal did something like this.

the allegations aside, the show has only gone downhill since joe left a few years ago. they changed their intro to something that looks like a 2010s youtube channel into (if that makes sense) and the jokes just haven’t been as funny.
 
Edit: I was doing okay, drained. Now I’m still okay, but kinda also not feeling good. I think part might be because I spent too much time yesterday drawing since I feel like my head kinda feels funny (not a head ache) and my energy level feels like i got no sleep even though I did. I kinda feel a little overwhelmed, strained too, not sure why though. I might take a short nap; I probably shouldn’t draw anything today. I’m still having some difficulty coping with and my feelings about some stuff.

Having really bad anxiety about something I thought and said today.
 
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My dad said that the Switch 2 Pre-orders being delayed has nothing to do either with Trump. I should’ve had it pre-ordered today, but I couldn’t.
 
I hurt someone I care about (months ago), but they’re still the same sweet person they were before everything went down, and they still care enough about me to wait with my friend while she was looking for me. God, I don’t deserve them
 
Misty update: She is likely coming home tonight or tomorrow. The tech called and said Misty’s been eating, walking, responding to chin-scratches, etc. Her blood pressure was a bit high, too, so she’s taking meds for that in addition to her usual thyroid pills.
This was a relief to hear! Finn will also be happy to see his sister.
Misty is BACK! 😻 She doesn’t like the IV bandage, or not being able to go in the basement, but otherwise she seems like herself.
 
Thankfully it doesn't seem like anything serious, and she's generally acting like herself as usual, but I think my cat is having some stomach issues. At the very least, she might be a bit constipated. I picked up a little pureed pumpkin for her that hopefully helps move things along, since we've given it to her before and she likes it.
 
Misty update: She is likely coming home tonight or tomorrow. The tech called and said Misty’s been eating, walking, responding to chin-scratches, etc. Her blood pressure was a bit high, too, so she’s taking meds for that in addition to her usual thyroid pills.
This was a relief to hear! Finn will also be happy to see his sister.
glad to hear your kitty is doing well 🥺. my pup, also a girl, who also has a brother, was in the pet hospital as well last week.
 
no matter what happens, i love you Blitz.
i will always love you.

<3
His heart stopped beating today.

It was a difficult decision but it was all for the better. He body has finally caught up to his age and we couldn't handle seeing him in any more pain. I don't want to detail it anymore because it's excruciating and not really something I'd like to remember him by.

He went peacefully at the vet. I gave him lots of forehead kisses to bring with him on the way to heaven. I was gently rubbing his head and holding his hands as he finally went. I said I'd be strong but the tears just kept coming.

Thank you Blitz for the 14 years. You've seen me graduate not once, not twice, but four times. Four! And you had just enough strength to wait for me to finish my boards exam and come home to you. Even until your last moments you were looking out for me.

My boyfriend gave me a bouquet of flowers right after my boards exam. I placed the same bouquet on his death bed today as a thank you for all the years he's been with me.

Good night, Blitz. Rest well and eat lots of merienda when you're up there. I'll see you again my sweetest baby boy. 🐶💕✨

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I hate when I bleed from dry skin, then it becomes a pain to clean up. This time it was my heel, and I didn't notice until I got blood all over my bedding and kitchen flooring. Spent a good hour cleaning it up, now I can't get back to sleep.
 
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