What's Bothering You?

My SO what’s to to an amusement park for their birthday tomorrow and I really just don’t want to go for many reasons.
 
i havent really done anything useful with my life this quarantine just kinda been chillin

i'm a second year uni student so it's just hitting me that this will probably be my last big break in life ever unless it derails awfully or i become filthy rich. next summer i'll need to have an internship or do research, and each consecutive summer i'll probably be doing some type of work to slap onto my resume. then i'll go to grad school and then work a full time 9-5 for the rest of my life until i retire and by that time the fruits and beauty of youth have escaped me as i piss myself in my rocking chair with my dentures falling out every 2 minutes
 
I won’t try to go too much in detail, but it’s been bothering me for a couple of months. I was in a toxic relationship for a year and a half where I was lied to, manipulated, and fetishized for my exotic appearance by an ex. I was also taken advantage of a couple of times and had enough, so I broke it off. I didn‘t feel too bad, but it’s one of those things where you feel fine at first, but as more time goes on, it just gets worse. I don’t have it bad like most people, nothing bad was really done to me compared to others so I kind of just brush it off. I don’t usually remember my dreams, but when I do, it’s mostly me being pulled down, chased, or even hurt by my ex and even when people are watching me they don’t help. I think it’s all in my head and I’m over complicating things, but I haven’t gone back to school for a while so I don’t know how that will play out once I’m with people again.

My ex’s 2 friends (one close and one best friend) have also tried going after me at different times (even one of them already going after me when I was still in the relationship and continuing again once they found out I was single), messaging me explicit things within minutes and all that. I don’t go to an amazing school, in fact, it’s kind of average. I try my best do have good grades and I’m fairly good at that so I can go to college and pursue my degree. Why I bring this up you might ask? Well, I met someone at a place where we do the same extracurricular activities, and we happen to go to different school. They seemed sweet & nice, honest, and who aren’t like the three I mentioned above. They didn’t reciprocate back, but I can understand that and we’re still friends. I’m starting to think that the grass is greener on the other side because lately I’ve been treated poorly by the others from the same school and it’s affecting my self esteem. I started to think that I deserved to be treated in that way because of they way I let people do whatever they wanted with me and the other person who doesn’t go to my school seems to be a far reach. What if no one approaches me?

Anyway, my mom has been helping me a lot with all these things and I am just waiting for a better time. I met someone who treated me like a person and not an anime body pillow and hopefully I will meet better people. I will be taking college classes this year and hoped to be in a college campus with different kinds of people, but with covid happening, that‘s not happening for a while.

The whole reason why I even bothered posting here because I was just talking to my dad about random things and the conversation gets philosophical about how I need to critically think more and me building my low self esteem. I only told my mom, sister, and best friend about what happened with those 3 people, so my dad doesn’t even know. It’s hard to be told that “I’ll be approached” and “I’m pretty” when all I’ve got were lustful people and rejected by one good person. It makes me think that it’s tied with the way I look and that it isn’t good enough for someone great. I am not ready for another relationship while I focus on school and my self esteem. After all, can’t love someone else when you don’t love yourself right?
 
I tried to break a banana off the stem and every other banana but the banana I was trying to eat fell off the stem.
 
so an hour or so ago my neighbor had some friends over w their dog and their dog was [retracted] her dog and when they got stuck together my neighbors dog (the female) was struggling really bad and they were just laughing. I got really worried cause I'm pretty sure that's not how you're supposed to do that (also why tf did they let them do that anyways jesus christ). but then when I had to tell my mom about it I started hyperventilating really bad and I basically had a panic-attack and I had to sit on my floor and put my arms around my dog and pet him a bunch until it stopped. idk if it was just because I was worried or the fact that s** is an extremely taboo topic for me (I'm ace) and having to talk about it was just extremely discomforting.

anyways now I'm angry at my neighbor for that, so stupid. also if I had any doubts in my mind that I was ace they're gone now.
 
My leg keeps bleeding at random because of dry skin, and I keep putting lotion on but it won't work.
 
A friend of mine is quarantined for two weeks because a girl she knows asked for the two of them to hang out before getting her covid testing back after her Alaska trip. Also I twisted an ankle a few days ago and every so often get a shoot of pain up my leg.
 
xSuperMario64x said:
so an hour or so ago my neighbor had some friends over w their dog and their dog was [retracted] her dog and when they got stuck together my neighbors dog (the female) was struggling really bad and they were just laughing. I got really worried cause I'm pretty sure that's not how you're supposed to do that (also why tf did they let them do that anyways jesus christ). but then when I had to tell my mom about it I started hyperventilating really bad and I basically had a panic-attack and I had to sit on my floor and put my arms around my dog and pet him a bunch until it stopped. idk if it was just because I was worried or the fact that s** is an extremely taboo topic for me (I'm ace) and having to talk about it was just extremely discomforting.

anyways now I'm angry at my neighbor for that, so stupid. also if I had any doubts in my mind that I was ace they're gone now.
Click to expand...
The poor thing will probably be on someone's leg in a minute.
 
why do I feel like **** all the time .-.

it sucks so much when you're trying so hard to do things right and better your self, but it doesn't make you feel any better. I'm trying to create peace in the household when it comes to meals, eat healthier, exercise more, take charge and help out more at work and jobhunting....but nothing is making me feel good. What am I doing wrong?
 
Finished the wakfu movie, brother told me a technical spoiler that's kind of ruined my entire experience

And it'll be years until season 4
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ughhhhhhhhhh I'm just so madddd
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it's gonna be so depressing
 
Last edited:
Saltyy said:
Finished the wakfu movie, brother told me a technical spoiler that's kind of ruined my entire experience

And it'll be years until season 4
Post automatically merged:

ughhhhhhhhhh I'm just so madddd
Post automatically merged:

it's gonna be so depressing
Click to expand...
There's a movie?
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Good taste.
 
Dang, I’m actually trying to go to sleep earlier than usual and my mind won’t shut off so I can fall asleep. Must have been that chocolate cake I had earlier.
 
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