Wish I could just listen to someone be enthusiastic and ramble about something they love. I feel so lonely, and acquaintances said thereās not much to say really. Do people not want others to listen to them and just to share their love for things they care about, with people theyāre friends with? This acquaintance said theyād rather go somewhere else to talk about a specific subject, and it sinks in this is why I never really fit in. I prefer sharing things regardless of what they are with the people I like, because I thought they were my friends and Iād think close friends would simply be happy seeing what their friends like, but itās apparent now that none of them feel as intensely about it. I used to feel that way. So, I suppose I am just left with acquaintances. This kind of friendship feels more like that, aquaintanceship, than having friends.
What am I supposed to say when Iāve really tried putting myself out there before and tried introducing people to new things and tried asking questions and I just never feel connected to people and I feel so bored. I donāt know what to do anymore. Iāve tried changing myself so many times, but Iām never happy. Over the years Iāve fallen more to this, given up more and I even have a couple of dead conversations which Iām aware are my own fault rn. When I think of picking them up or being enthused again I just remember how all of this has gone on. āNever give upā can pull you out of things sometimes if you take it at face value but on the other hand TRYING takes energy I donāt want to be throwing into a void or at people who donāt care that much, so I guess Iām doomed to feel lonely if when I try people donāt notice, and when I give up it wonāt change this.
I feel like Iām just not supposed to exist because at every single turn Iām met with dissatisfaction and disappointment. And it seems like Iām always wrong, I would be open to change, but EVEN AFTER I change and after Iāve tried changing so many times itās never been enough. THAT makes me hate myself. Maybe I donāt even hate myself. In concept. I think Iām a decent person, I know I try, and I do my best to enjoy things and do things I love. But, I hate that I have to be me and see life with this lens, so lonely. Some people who came to knew me said they admired me or that I had beautoful ideas about life. The problem is nobody really embraces them, so it feels like pity. I feel like Iād be better alone than with people who make me feel lonely and this sucks. But. Itās also sad to enjoy my own company so much more and not feel connected to anyone. Is it morally wrong? No. But it sucks going through it.
Or conversely, if I'm being reasonable lol.
